Time and the Narcissist – Part One

time-and-the-narcs

I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.

The Victim Cadre

All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.

The Lesser Victim

Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.

He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.

The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.

He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.

The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.

He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.

A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.

The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.

The Mid-Range Victim

The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.

The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him

The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.

As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.

‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’

‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’

‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’

The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.

The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.

The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.

The Greater Victim

This combination of cadre and school does not exist.

Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.

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27 thoughts on “Time and the Narcissist – Part One”

  1. Wow.
    So I think I met a midrange victim, and escaped a him as a greater cerebral 5 years later…

    Is that even possible, HG? He always played the victim card but all of a sudden his symptoms tapered off… He was a Greater Cerebral within a year I’d say…

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    1. No it is not. He may well have been a cerebral with some victim traits and most likely remained a Mid-Range throughout. There would not be a movement between schools.

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  2. Well you have be a special kind of stupid to sign on for looking after the sagging nut sac of a Lesser as he ages. Cant stop laughing at helping the MR apply lotions. Yup.
    IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!!!!! I’ll bark while towering over him lying there. (Crop in hand). So camp.

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    1. I think the circumstances are all different ? Some people have been in relationships for years and if you like learnt to block out the negative side that the relationship brings , they may moan and groan about the person but I know many couples that are not narcs that do likewise.

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  3. Thankyou HG 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 I know this very well, the older they get the more they expect to be cared for and get really agitated why you are not available to clean for them , wash them and also they have many rules especially on how they like things done, always rude and demeaning …… HG Thankyou again. Truly God sent……

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  4. Yall describe my ex victim lesser narcissist perfectly. He’ll be dead by the time he’s 60 at the way he’s going drinking vodka daily. He ruined his life. Thanks for the valuable insight hg.

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  5. Interesting write-up HG perhaps time does take care of everything in the end. Nothing like seeing cranky older men with their younger trophy though of a completely different culture eating cheap fried rice from the mall -cheap Tuesdays. They don’t live too far into the future I have found, leaving behind younger widows, perhaps Wifey no. 4. Strange coincidence but happens often. Don’t really see that among elderly ladies. They are usually with an elderly gentleman, family or friends. Maybe the widows have a secret up their sleeve, many I have known have heart attacks, if you know what I mean!

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  6. HG perfect and valuable post , spot on with your comments. I have just started seeing my ex who is 68 now but from a distance as a friend whether he will seek more in time is to be seen but I think he seeks the carer relationship for the future , aches and pains oh yes and as I am a nurse I respond . I am always watching and prepared for the games I have no expectations or think I or he will change but have said I accept the nice parts of him but will stay away from the other side to him . I am encouraging him to write as he is brilliant at it his body can’t keep going with the the changing projects he needs to seek the fuel and buzz we both know they are temporary. May I say knowledge is a wonderful tool to have and having a understanding of the disorder and the person can only bring more acceptance and less personal hurt and confusion. Knowing I am not to blame or I contributed to the failure of my relationship was the best feeling ever . We all experienced different degrees of the devalue and discarding but what you and others feel regards hurt and pain is I am sure on another level .

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  7. Great article as always HG. They’re all just so good I probably don’t compliment you as much as I should.

    Bit of a side issue HG, well actually it’s completely irrelevsnt but I’ll ask it anyway.

    I watched a documentary about Ns the other day. A very small section looked at causes of Ns / Ps. It suggested based on research that highly intelligent people are significantly more likely to develop NPD. This was because trauma suffered by any child up to the age of 20 can have a negative effect but the brains of highly intelligent people actually develop at a much slower rate than the average person which makes them internalise trauma more deeply.

    I’d be very interested in your thoughts

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    1. Thank you Alexis. You are right, you should compliment me more often.

      I can see the force in what you suggest. Of course this then leads to a further question. To what extent are those who are highly intelligent going to be exposed to a traumatic environment compared to those of lesser intelligence. Is it more likely, is it less likely? Is it about the same?

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      1. The impact of abuse is supposed to me more severe with slower developing brains ;), but it does not follow that one develops NPD.

        Different point you made: Amongst those with NPD are more intelligent people than non-intelligent ones … maybe a matter of how to measure the degree of the disorder. Maybe (?) a non-intelligent narc is a disfunctional narc and therefore not diagnosed.

        But I don’t know. But I’ve come across that piece of information, too, and found it interesting.

        I believe though, what I read, focused more on the impact of social (or asocial, antisocial) behavior.
        And I can affirm from my own experience that this is a problem when intelligent children don’t get the space to develop social abilities in their own pace.

        I’d also be interested in research on the impact of abuse on the counterparts, highly empathic people. As “pathological” in that regard I only found “altruism” as personality disorder.
        If someone knows something about this, I’d be very much interested. Looks like psychopathic brains have been researched better.

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      2. Just with sexual abuse alone it is 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls that are exposed to a traumatic event. It seems that this is a pretty big pool with various degrees of intelligence.

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      3. I completely agree HG. To be honest I wasn’t entirely certain what my question to you was. I was interested in what was said on this documentary but it left me thinking……..and what ?

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      4. I can’t imagine why there would be a correlation between relative intelligence of the child, and the traumatic environment they would be exposed to.

        Can you explain what your thinking was there, HG please?

        (Incidentally, my autocorrect now thinks your initials should be ‘hug’. My autocorrect is a conflicted emotional mess)

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      5. In general terms, a more intelligent child has intelligent parents and a better environment. I know it is not always the case, but in general terms it is.

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      6. Hi HG. I do agree that there is a correlation between the intelligence of the parents and that of the child, but that isn’t what you were saying. You were asking about a potential correlation between the child’s intelligence and the likelihood of them being exposed to a traumatic environment. I don’t follow your thinking there. Could you possibly explain please?

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      7. Oh, pardon me. I see you supposed that more intelligent parents are more likely to provide a better home environment. So the theory would go:

        more intelligent parents = more intelligent offspring + better environment = less incidence of narcissism

        less intelligent parents = less intelligent offspring + less stable environment = more incidence of narcissism

        Is that what you meant?

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      8. Generally speaking of course. I had/have intelligent parents. I also had (externally at least) a good environment – large house, no money issues, clean, well-fed, plenty of exposure to the arts and sciences, sport and so on, but then of course something else besides.

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      9. Sounds similar to my childhood home. But I also taught myself how to read when 5 years old because I was always neglected, e. g. My parents managed to send me to school and my mother taught me to do my homework. But that’s about it in regard to “stimulation”. I was exposed “to the arts” etc. because they didn’t care and were glad when I was away on school trips.

        And I would assume that a child of celebral higher narcissists who are focused on outward achievements suffers horrible verbal/emotional abuse, no matter how “intelligent” those parents are.

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  8. Hi Sunshine! I lean a bit with your point that the intelligence factor would weigh low on whether or not more or less narcissism would develop with the children. As with any abuse (physical or emotion) or disorder, it knows no demographic. Pain is pain and hurt people will hurt people no matter what.

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    1. It’s so sad how the cycle continues down the generations. Narcissists often end up raising co-dependents or other narcissists. What can be done to break that cycle? At least co-dependants have the potential of self-awareness and a desire for personal growth. Narcs are mostly impenetrable.

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  9. Hi HG
    You mention that lesser or mid range victim narcissists may not be interested in sex
    You mention impotence or lacking in ability ?
    Would you mind explaining a bit more about this ?
    I do have your book on sex and the narcissist but I’m just trying to understand
    Which of the following is it ?
    Are they lacking the feeling of sexual attraction to their partner after the initial seduction ?
    Is it the Madonna / Whore ?
    Or is it just their own lack of confidence ability ?
    I’m a little confused ?
    Thank you

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    1. It depends on the cadre. Sex is a weapon of mass seduction – it is chiefly used by Somatics and Elites who engage in it. Cerebrals talk about it and will engage in some of it out of obligation. Victims either cannot or they are poor at it but use those deficiencies to their advantage. The factors which attract us to you depend on the traits as described in Sitting Target. Thus a Somatic wants someone physically attractive and will use sex to seduce them to gain fuel. Then when that fuel runs stales, that which was once attractive is no longer (to us) and therefore their looks will be denigrated and sex withheld.

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