No! You Are the Narcissist – Part One

 

no-you-are-the-narcissistpart-one

 

The issue about the state of awareness of our kind is a central piece of the puzzle. Victims struggle with the proposition that someone behaves in such a way as we do yet does not see what they are doing. How can he not realise what he is doing? How can he not see that he is wrong? How can he not accept that I am right, I have the evidence in my hands? How can he not grasp that it is him and not me that is causing the problems? How can he not recognise that he is being selfish, hurtful or abusive? How can someone not know that they are behaving in this manner? I daresay you have said one or more of those questions at some point. Our awareness of what we are also dovetails with your awareness of what we are. As I have pointed out previously, next to nobody spots our kind when we first entangle with you. Even if you have been ensnared by one of our kind already, you stand a good chance of being ensnared a second time. Often the realisation as to what has happened to you may not take place for many years after the event or once the discard has taken place. You may realise that you have been entangled by a narcissist during the devaluation or more likely when we return looking to effect a post-discard/escape hoover. Almost without exception, once you have realised who you have become entangled with you have the overwhelming desire to tell us that you know what we are. It is a moment of triumph surely? You have been advised by an outside influence and/or you have read extensively and so many of our behaviours match with that of the narcissist. You have had your “aha” moment and whilst your head may still be swimming from the experience, your heart pulled all over the place and so many questions remained unanswered, you now know what we are. You have the knowledge and you are going to unmask us by telling us straight that you know and you are going to tell us direct what we are. It is time for you to strike a long overdue blow back at us. Thus, armed with this knowledge, what can you expect to happen? As you would expect, the response of the narcissist depends on which type you have become involved with. Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist.

The Lesser does not know what he is. He acts through instinct, reaction and knee-jerk responses. If you tell a Lesser that he is a narcissist, chances are he may not even understand what you mean. If you have expressed this knowledge in a fuel free fashion, if he does not understand what one is you would most likely be met with the ignition of his fury and comments such as

“Why are using fancy words all of a sudden?”

“What are you using dictionary words for? Are you trying to make out that you are better than me?”

His inability to understand what you mean will be perceived by him as a criticism of him. He will feel wounded and thus his fury will be ignited. Lacking much in the way of control he will lash out at you as he instinctively seeks fuel for the purpose of healing his wound. He does not know that this is what is happening, nor does he understand his reaction, but this is what will happen. If you happen to have gained your awareness from a book and you use that to justify the label expect that book to be torn in half or thrown on a fire as knee-jerk response.

If the Lesser has some understanding of what a narcissist is, he will again only see it as criticism. Like many he will consider the label to only mean that he loves himself. You can expect responses such as: –

“Are you saying I love myself? Huh, guess I have to because you don’t anymore do you?”

“I love myself. You have some cheek. Have you seen the way you go on, preening yourself and swanning around?”

The Lesser will immediately deflect this perceived criticism by turning the position around and engaging in blame-shifting against you. He will seize on any evidence to hand which shows that you are the self-love and not him. If you have recently bought some new clothing, you can expect that to be brought up and you challenged for your spending habits. Said clothing is likely to be ripped or thrown away. If you have a range of potions and lotions which you use as part of your beauty regime, they will be seized on as evidence that you love yourself. They will be thrown around the room as the fury ignites, poured down the sink or smashed up.

The Lesser will not and cannot accept that he is a narcissist. He does not know what he is and therefore has no awareness. If you attempt to “educate him” by explaining the various traits and behaviours of narcissism and link it to the way he behaves, if you do this in a neutral fashion you will be heaping more criticism on him. Every point you made will be met with deflection and denial.

If you say,

“Look, I am just trying to get you to see that when you go out and disappear drinking before coming home and demanding sex, you are not showing any thought for me and ignoring my boundaries, that is the behaviour of a narcissist.”

You will be met with,

“Oh so now I am not allowed to go out drinking am I?”

“I don’t demand sex, you never give me any as it is and anyway you should, what’s got into you these days? Getting it somewhere else are we?”

“Boundaries? Narcissist? Who has been filling you head with this shit? I bet it was Lucy wasn’t it, she has never liked me.”

As the ignited fury erupts you will witness the paranoia, blame-shifting, denial, projection and deflection as the Lesser avoids discussing the issue. It does not register with him at all. No matter how obvious it may seem to you, he cannot grasp that he can be at any fault. It may be plain as day to you, the narcissistic behaviour matches exactly with what he does, but for all your explaining he will not accept it. Firstly, he will not do so because he does not know what he is, therefore he lacks the capacity to accept it. Secondly, even if he could he will not because of the defence mechanism that we have, namely that we are not accountable.

The denial and deflection will continue until you show signs of exasperation, upset or anger. When this fuel appears, this will assist the Lesser in healing the wounds he has and therefore he will, instinctively, be looking to push you to providing him with fuel through his responses. If your questioning persists and is done in a neutral manner, he will be forced to lash out (of course you will be blamed for his) which will result in verbal violence, destruction of property and physical violence as well. The Lesser’s paranoia will convince him that you are trying to catch him out in a way which he does not understand (nor can he) and all he knows is that he feels a sense of considerable discomfort. He does not know that this is caused by the failure to provide fuel and the wounding caused by your repeated criticisms. He will instinctively need to protect himself and this means getting fuel. He needs to head off your “oh so clever” comments – hence the denial and deflection, but he cannot control the ignited fury which ignites in order to seek the necessary fuel.

If you persist with pointing out what he is and there is no fuel provision he will evade you as he goes in search of fuel from someone else and in order to get away from the source of his annoyance.

A Lesser is unlikely to accuse you of being a narcissist because he has no real understanding of what you are referring to. What he will do however is throw back at you the constituent parts which you identify as narcissistic behaviours, at you. This is to defend himself from the criticism attached with this. This is to defend himself because he cannot be accountable for any kind of failure or weakness. This is done as a reaction to try and cause you to react to these allegations so you give fuel. You end up justifying that you are not the narcissist, thus he is (through instinct rather than calculated design) able to halt the wounding attack from you and gain fuel into the bargain as you protect about how you do not love yourself, that you care about him and other people, that you recognise boundaries and so forth.

You will never ever convince a Lesser Narcissist that he is one. He just cannot comprehend it. That is why although his behaviours match those of our kind, he cannot see it. He no insight whatsoever. All you will do is cause him to defend himself, have his fury ignited and ultimately cause him to lash out at you. Do not waste your time trying to convince him. You will not. If you want to wound him, tell him, but then withdraw otherwise you will find yourself on the receiving end of some savage ignited fury.

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13 thoughts on “No! You Are the Narcissist – Part One”

  1. HG you right now are my saving grace! One day i will escape him! 7 years…7 long years of me being his primary…his wife. He wont let me go! I am working on building up the courage to go no contact! One day…one day soon..i shall escape this madness!

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    1. HeatherTX70, my heart goes out to you. I had to escape my last narc too. Waited til everyone was gone one day, packed my car, and left. Disconnected his phone, changed my number and email. Went to another state and at first stayed somewhere he would never find me. Do not give him any clues that you are planning on leaving, or he will try to get you to stay. Prepare the best you can, reach out to someone you can trust. You can do this!!! …there are also helpful resources online to help you plan your escape.

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  2. This absolutely idiocy. My wife has been diagnosed with a mental illness years ago after several violent episodes, all in front of our children. For five years she took her medication and we were able to deal with relationship issues, until two months ago. She was off her meds, unbeknownst to me, drinking for two days, when she violently cursed at me in front of the children. Shocked, I yelled at her to never do that again. My children were scared, for they had never seen me like that so they ran to me and hugged me. Once they did that, I calmed down and apologized to everyone. But my wife became enraged. Then my children and I hid from her. The next day I avoided my wife. Went to work. That evening, she was by herself, she smashed our Christmas tree and was just in a rage. Long story short, we had to involve the police as she went after our children. The police informed us she had been drinking. Once she was gone, we found alcohol hidden in the home. The next day she said she wanted a divorce, within one week she moved all her stuff out, is living with a couple (one of which is her attorney) , and she filed for divorce. She never mentioned that we had any issues. But now, she reads nonsense like this article and says I’m a narcissist. After this one I’m a little narc.

    Meanwhile, I have to care for the emotional and mental health of my children and maintain a healthy and happy home for them while she ruined their holiday. They are in counseling due to the trauma they endured, but I’m the narcissist. Stupid articles like this make it so easy for her to to label me a narcissist because since I am not, well, that’s exactly what a healthy person would say.

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    1. I very much doubt at of my kind would read this article and think, “oh I know I will use this to label my partner as a narcissist.” Why? Because the vast majority of our kind do not know what they are and would not be at this blog. The purpose of this article is to demonstrate how the narcissist reacts to being called a narcissist and how it is denied either through a lack of insight or deliberate denial. It is to explain what you can expect. You seem to have misunderstood the article.

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      1. I agree with your overall point. I did understand the article and its purpose. The issue I have with so many of the people that write about so-called narcissists is that the writing is too vague and if a so-called healthy person were put in the same position their reactions would be similar to that of a narcissist. So, my wife now thinks that she has been a victim of gaslighting because when she would get mad about a disagreement over the color of paint for our bedroom, I would say that there was something wrong with her. Well, I would say “what is wrong with you” after she would yell at me or throw something at me. And these type of blogs can be used by jilted lovers to condemn their former loves. But I mostly am writing because of the frustration that I have with my situation. I love my wife, am a devoted husband and father to two beautiful children. We should not be apart but people are assisting her while she is untreated for her mental condition and fueling her paranoia. I apologize to you for that. I have no recourse to save my family but hope she wakes up. In the meantime I work hard to keep my children healthy and I try to maintain my health as well and my resources. 13 years of my life are coming to an end over nothing, and that’s very hard when you have loved someone so much and built your life with them.

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  3. I was stuck in a relationship with one for 14 years and then I finally successfully got out and it wasn’t easy I lost everything now I am three years out and I completely rebuilt my life I proved to myself that he was wrong but I come here and I read these articles almost everyday so that I can help my children deal with him and that sucks he will never go away he’s always pushing boundaries and I’m always in a fight with him luckily now we have no contact and have had no contact for 3 years per court orders but he does things to my children just so we can continue to be in court and you are absolutely right he has no idea his effect on other people he does not care he will never care he is only concerned about his false reality I have however moved on and I am happy now not because I’m with somebody because I’m not I choose to be single but I am happy

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