This Time It Will Work

this-time-it-will-work

When you first come into my sights, when you appear between those crosshairs and I sense your empathic qualities, your adherence to the traits which make you so attractive to me, I am filled with optimism. I have spoken on many occasions about my need to extract fuel on a daily basis. This ritual necessitates the acquisition of someone who will be my primary source and then a whole host of secondary and tertiary sources who are drawn from friends, family, strangers, colleagues and so forth. It is a ceaseless task but one which I am built for, one I have been designed for and one which I will always apply myself to. I prefer to conserve my energies and that is why I live in hope that this time the person that I have targeted will be the one who will not let me down. On this occasion I have found the person who will be my primary source so that I never have to embark on the devaluation of this person because they have failed in their obligation to provide me with fuel. Many people may regard me as prejudicial person and it is true that I pre-judge people, but only ever do so on the basis of satisfactory evidence. I look for the necessary traits in how you interact with others, the things that you say and what you do. I watch carefully before I make my move. When I see the very things which I cherish and require for the purposes of gathering fuel, I experience an elation. There is excitement and anticipation. Mostly it is because of the fuel which I hope to gather from you, that delicious and golden fuel which super charges me, invigorates me and provides me with the power to sail through life charming and attracting. However, my excitement is not all based on the anticipation of tasting your fuel. No, a significant part of my anticipation is borne out of the fact that you might just be the one. You could be that person who does not let me down. You could be the one who finally provides me with such sweet fuel that I never have to go elsewhere for a primary supply. I cannot give up my supplementary sources as they are a reserve and a contingency for when I am not able to draw my main fuel from you as my primary source. This is not because I have cast you aside or because you have committed that treacherous act of escaping me and instigating no contact. Not at all. The reserve is required because owing to various factors I cannot be by your side every hour of day or in some form of contact with you to this extent. This means that much as I delight in your sweet, sweet fuel, I am forced to obtain it elsewhere and this is from those supplementary sources. It is you however that I still look to for the best fuel. You who I look to in order to provide me with the most fuel and to do so with comforting regularity. I want this fuel from just one primary source. You seem to think that I revel in the abuse that I dole out when I devalue my primary source victim, but I do not. It may look that way, a side effect of the power that courses through me as I drink deep of that negative fuel but in truth I would much rather never have to go down that route. I would prefer that you continue to pump out that positive fuel to such an extent that it always remains satisfactory for me. I want you to be the one that is always there, reliable, dependable and magnificent in the production of your fuel. You would benefit too. There would be no awful abuse as devaluation takes place. There would be no mystifying discard (mystifying to you at least – it makes perfect sense to me) and then I would not even have to go to the trouble of applying various types of hoover in order to bring you back to me. Imagine avoiding all of that and remaining in the glorious golden period of seduction the whole time? I know how much you love that. I have seen it in your eyes, I have seen you speak of it and of course I have seen how hard you have fought at times to recover it. You adore and worship the golden period and you can have that. You can have that all the time. All I ask of you is to keep providing me with that fuel at the potency and level that is appropriate and demanded. It cannot be too difficult for you can it? You once did it. You provided it brilliantly but then you let me down by not providing the quality I was used to. You diminished the frequency and became unreliable, thus hurting me and that could not be countenanced. You had to be hurt in return. There was no hope for any other way. Imagine being able to avoid bringing all that horror on yourself as you keep doing what is necessary. You keep giving me my fuel at the prescribed level and in return you get to stay in the golden period forever. This is what I hope for too and you think that I am selfish. Not at all. We both win. You have the golden period and I have the golden fuel. This is what I hope for each time a new target presents itself and I begin my work to consider moving to the seduction of this target. I am filled with hope, I am filled with optimism that this time, just for once, you will keep on doing what I need and you will not let me down. No matter how many times this has happened in the past. No matter how many times I have been betrayed and hurt by the treasonable conduct of those who said, so many times, that they loved me and they always would, I have always continued to believe in the power and capacity that the next target may just be the one. I am not a bad person for believing in that way am I? I just want to find the right one for me. Just like you do.

You want to find the person that you will love for the rest of your life, I want to find the person whose fuel I will love for the rest of my life. Surely you can understand and appreciate that? Surely you must accept that such a notion is noble? Surely you understand why I always think that you might be the one. This time.

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64 thoughts on “This Time It Will Work”

  1. Wth?? I have been reading post after post…im obsessed! I never comment..i just read..and cry..then i get mad..then i feel sorry for him..then i feel sorry for myself…then i get mad again..so i make him pay! Bcuz he has 1 nut bcuz i cut the other one off!! Lol..jk jk..seriously..he will pay tonight for the games he likes to play

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    1. I found this blog 2 days ago. He discarded – I escaped December 21. I have not been able to stop reading. I have been in complete denial. I think I’m a magnet empath. I never knew he was so hollow until now. This blog has opened my eyes.
      My question is this. Is it possible to extract things I need from him but stay out of the whole, “you are my fuel”. Like for sex?
      I understand now that my longing for his love is never going to happen. I’m ok with that. I’m moving on. I am not divorced yet so I still am going to have that contact until we are legally divorced. This is the first time in 30 years that we will be apart. He is taking half my retirement since he has none.
      What happens when he runs out of money?
      He is not good looking at all and he is antisocial. What happens if he can’t get another primary?

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      1. He will continue to come back to you looking for you to take care of him and his needs. None of this is about what you need from him. Its all about him!!! Its horrible. He will never change even if he claims he will..you can beg and cry to him to change..he will say he will but he wont Karen. I will never fully understand any of this…i just cant wrap my mind around it. I do finally realize from my 1 on 1 consultations with HG that its NOT ME!! Bcuz of HG i know im going to be ok. Im getting there! I suggest you talk with HG 1 on 1. Book a consultation..my god it is SO WORTH IT!!

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  2. I had to read this 1 again. Im sitting at my desk at work crying bcuz i dont know who to feel sorry for..him or me? How did this happen? How did someone like him find me? Maybe he is right..maybe i am the narc and i found him and the last 7 yrs of this damn rollercoaster ride we have been on is my fault. He hurts me…i hurt him back. He cheats on me…i cheat on him. He screams at me…i give him a waterpill when he has the flu while he thinks its tylenol. Lol. Do i sound like a female narc HG?

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  3. Heather you did nothing wrong , you did what was asked of you ! Never forget it was not your fault.. don’t long for something that was never real , you have a choice knowing what you know ..I feel compassion for my ex (not sorry) as he will never find contentment or peace of mind . Learn to love yourself first and seek what you need to make you happy .

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    1. Yes…
      The puzzle is mysterious. This piece is both comforting and dispiriting.
      I too feel compassion for my narcissist. Same as with HG. The narcissist is not evil, just a broken soul seeking to heal. Of course I feel sorry for myself now that I know that I can never accomplish the healing. Not now, and never during the 31 years I have tried desperately. The active (but to my understanding: not conscious) provocations, manipulations and all the other devices from the devils toolkit brought out the worst in me. It ended me up in psychiatric ward with acute depression, chronic sleep deprivation and self mutilation wounds.
      Still no hate. Still no need to retaliate or revenge. Only a deep desire for redemption and understanding. I know with cognizance and logic that it will never happen. Emotions are not formed from knowledge and logic though.

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      1. I don’t understand why people say that narcissists are not evil. Why do we even have that word then? Who would it apply to? I get behind every adult is a child and a story. But those stories are truly gone for some people. There is no retrieving them or fixing the past. What you see right now is what you get and its not good. For someone so superior as HG, if he calls it evil, then I call it evil. I was so derailed by the New Agers I turned to who down played it with Shadows and Oneness. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I read and re-read the part about evil in People of the Lie and he talks about it well. I remember talking to my mother about the story of the parents giving the suicide weapon to their other son for a birthday present. She had no response other than to tell me that that isn’t evil. Its like she couldn’t even grasp how awful that is. So then what is evil? Why all the stories about it? Every religion is about taming and preventing evil as I see it.

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      2. There is Invented Evil and Real Evil. Invented Evil is Sauron, Voldemort, The Joker, the Bogeyman, The Slenderman, The Devil and so on. All generated to frighten for the purpose of entertainment or to convey a message about how we ought to conduct ourselves.

        Real Evil is only ever found in humans.

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      3. I think though Invented Evil came out of observing evil humans. Stories created pre official psychology. What better way to talk about evil humans than to do so through stories and mythology and parables fromnthe time of pre writing or where writing is only for the very elite so stories instead tell the tales?

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      4. “There is Invented Evil and Real Evil. Invented Evil is Sauron, (…)
        Real Evil is only ever found in humans.”

        Wow. So we are going deep today?

        It is still a decision, and talking of “only ever found in humans”: only humans possess the cognitive abilities to make conscious decisions and to become self-aware.

        I was listening to an audio book about psychopaths (my new hobby) when I remembered something:
        A linear line stretching into infinity comes around making a circle eventually.
        Empathy and Narcissism when regarded on a scale of extremes meet eventually therefore.
        That’s what ancient wisdom teaches. It is the same in various degrees. The YinYang is One, each extreme containing a bit of the other. The quality in itself is neither evil nor good.

        So yes, it’s only humans who create the concept of “evil”, and who are able to act that way, because they regard themselves as a separate individual who has to fight on his own for his survival. Because they have cut themselves off the source of light.
        The lack of compassion is the hallmark of evil, and it’s what enables you to act on evil impulses, there is no inhibition. This “evil” is not reality, it stems from imagined threats, from the delusion what the world seems to be in the mind of an “evil” person (and nobody is just “evil” I think, it’s one of various sub-programs); it’s potentially part of human nature, an attribution, illusion and fulfillment of egostic needs out of fear (perceived threats) and feelings of helplessness. Hence the control of others up to the point of prolonged torture, etc.

        See, this is what I don’t understand about you. As a master of illusion with a natural state of mind corresponding to equilibrium, you still don’t transcend it. You must know that there is more behind the illusion than evil intent.

        The devil: does not deserve to be associated with the evil species you embody, it’s an insult to him. It is only the Christian devil figure which is supposed to be “evil”, depicted as a threat. But he is actually the light bringer, the arch angel Aurial or Uriel (light of God or fire of God; the sign Spock makes is a symbol for that). Because he shows that we are in fact NOT limited by evil, darkness, appearances, materialistic things or bondage. That evil is twisted, as it’s not our natural state. When one realizes the true nature of the perceived threats or conditions leading to evil thoughts and actions, it becomes something to laugh about.

        Sauron might fit quite nicely into this concept. And sorcerers can be evil, too, when human. Even Gandalf had to pass his tests to become “white”. 😉

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      5. 🙂
        Psychopaths’ brain scans show they are already in a state of calm / non-attachment / equilibrium, other people try to attain through meditation. I wish I had that!!!!

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  4. If i was told that i would answer:
    You are contradicting yourself now.
    And it’s a good hoover try.
    And a lame excuse.
    Still trying to make me feel that i failed?
    For a fact, i know, that i didn’t .
    It was the corruption that you let yourself revel in, that warped your perception.

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  5. I’m not sure it is a hoover. I think is true. We want love the golden period he wants fuel continously his golden period. I’m certain this is how my husband felt about me until I fell ill. He’d sing the song I got you babe and that was about me. I’ve got you babe to hold my hand, I’ve got you to understand, I’ve got you to walk with me, I’ve got you to talk with me, babe I’ve got you babe, when I’m down you pick me up and when I’m down your a clown, I’ve got you to wear my ring, when I’m scared your always around. That’s not all the lines but it’s how he felt. And I did all those things too until I needed him and he couldn’t do it. Pretty sad really x

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      1. Hi,
        I’m a little confused as to wanting to stay in the golden period and preferring that fuel. The books say while positive fuel is good, the negative fuel provides better fuel. Can you clarify? Thank you!

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      2. We want to stay in the golden period because that represents the ideal in terms of finding The One. It also arises from the expenditure of lower energy levels, something that appeals to us. We start out using an illusion to draw you in, in the hope of finding that person who will not let us down (because being let down is something which has contributed to the way that we are) and therefore we want to avoid that. Thus, the golden period represents the ideal that we want. It is also untenable to draw sufficient negative fuel from the off – if we devalued an intimate partner straight away they would run a mile and we would have to find another one which expends energy and do so without sufficient fuel. Whilst negative fuel is more powerful it is not something that we can achieve (or want to achieve) at the outset of the relationship.

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      3. they want a cutout doll. it feels so, so good at first. everything is right! they feel so good! the drug for the narc is in top form. oops, whats that? She picked her ear? Huh? She snored at night? And what? she just glanced at me and didn’t pay any attention to me even though her hand are full caring for the baby? And slowly the air goes out and the disappointment creeps in as the narc’s eye glasses start to get clean to reveal that…. what?! She is a human being?!? When did that happen? Warts and all?!!! Nooooooo! and the first rock is thrown by the narc. And then another in anger that the first one had to be thrown. And then another and another…. Humans. Who needs them and their imperfections?

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      4. SB,
        My friends Narc Husband once had a fight with her because we went to the movies together and she looked at me more during the movie than him. Big Baby. Oh and we talked more during the credits. Really? Oh and he could tell I wanted him, uh NO!

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      5. Sounds about what I was trying to describe. I think that this is where some of my narc traits might lie as I had vague feelings like that as a teen. I was very threatened. But then I step back at what was going on, and my sense of threat was real and justified. My family was broken up by a man who then moved in with his own kids. It felt like I was taken over by everything and everyone, with no thought to my needs, so I was always reacting to people all the time. And then shamed for it. But it was wrong. My need for security and territory was immense. It was my narc mother who failed to provide that. My needs were not wrong.

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  6. Happy Valentine’s Day, HG! A question for you. If a narc and his primary source work in the same field, how do you think this could play out during devaluation? I imagine during the seduction, it makes things easier as this is something they have in common.

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  7. This is so funny. It’s a pleasure to read this stuff, it’s like “letters from Mars, the alien who’ll conquer the world, eventually, one woman at a time”. I don’t believe we conquer anybody though, the best we can do is conquer ourselves. For you this means to get over this nasty addiction on “fuel” you have, a very big task indeed…and for the rest of us, I think it’s about our own personal issues and goals we have in life, whether they be good for us or misplaced.
    I met only one of your kind and I think I will only remember a clear sensation that I never really knew him. This is the only tangible emotion I can say I ever had for him and will always have.
    When I read you it feels as if it was him talking to me and I am amused!
    It’s funny how could I have fallen for such big bullshits…but I didn’t really fall. I dated him to know him, not to believe him. His words and his actions were not the same but his words oh were they awesome! But you know, you connect the dots eventually and the picture shows up, so I wish you’ll find what you are looking for, inside yourself because it won’t be anywere else.

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      1. Or what I find out…ehehehe :))) ; being a narcissist doesn’t make you intelligent, actually I view narcissists as inferior, intellectually. Very few interests other than themselves or no interest at all. Very boring after a while.

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  8. It’s not our job to heal the narc. “You want to find the person that you will love for the rest of your life, I want to find the person whose fuel I will love for the rest of my life”. Notice the difference here? There are women who will sign this soul contract in exchange for security. Love and happiness aren’t part of the deal.

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      1. but the golden period never lasts. as accommodating as you may be. you will be walked all over but made to feel special in the next second, the more i lived with my ex, the more i learned and the more i could no longer stay quiet. 10 years oh trust me i tried but it was never going to be enough. who is the perfect mate for a narcissist?

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      2. Yourself in other words. And all the fuel does is keep your engine running. Since no one is of any relevance, in the end, there is just yourself.

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  9. I have gone no contact with my narc for 2 weeks now HG , but I’m not done with him ! How do I creep back in without making him believe I escaped him what excuse can I use to get that golden period back ?

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    1. Hello FP, since you escaped him you may well be able to attract his attention (subject to what type of narcissist he is) since he may well not have embedded a new primary source. Simply contact him and express remorse at what you have done and how you cannot live without him. Unless he has someone else in place, that should work although of course one has to wonder why you would want to go back having already escaped, but you must have your reasons.

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      1. Thank you for the reply ! I do believe he has a new primary source, a question I still do not have the answer to myself . Why on earth do I want him back !!!! Lots of thinking and soul searching to do I think.

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      2. If he has someone new you will need to be mindful that if he has embedded this person he will not want to know you and if you approach him he will brush you off and possibly apply malign hoovers. If not embedded yet you still have a chance.

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      3. Yeah, I did that once but not to get him back per se. I was trying to heal something in me. I really needed to tell him I needed him. I needed to connect the words and coirahe to say it to the feeling in me. He doesn’t have anyone, that I knew. But he still wanted to punish me for something I did. So he said I should have thought of that before, me needing him. Then he delivered his count to ten before you run your mouth at me again. I took the punishment. But then I could not help it. I roared at him again later on. This happened one other time when I really needed to hear his voice. I asked him to record something for me. Punishment was again delivered that I would hear it soon enough if I learned to watch my mouth and he wasn’t going to jump just cause I said so. That was never what I expected but he seemed to think whrn Insaid jump, he was supposed to say how high? I don’t know of he felt that I was doing that, or it was another guilt game. He said when you don’t get what you want, you go on a destructive mission and destroy everything.

        But of course I did. Cause once, he was happy to hear from me, excited, respectfull to hear from me. And all that I got later was his tiresome anger and irritation and later, punishments. So yes, I lashed out each time. It’s like he is MY broken appliance! Why isnt he working any more? 🙁 Maybe I am the narc?!

        I got to connect to that place in me that really longs. The voice in me that was silenced ages ago that needed to connect with people and I could not. I still feel it. But I escaped something from 3 months ago. So whats the point? All my external power is back but inside the wound for him is still there. I need to find another way to feel it to heal it. He hates me good now and my last super nova event was pretty nuclear. he will not be kind at all even though he never was to me.

        Its very risky to even try but I only did it to find the wound to heal.

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    2. FATTYPETTERS
      Im fascinated by your name. It sounds like a therapy group for those who have failed Weight Watchers. How did you come up with that?

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  10. HG you said:
    “One who provides positive fuel, character traits and residual benefits who will not let us down.”
    Thus also mean then that physical appearance and age it is secondary? Or you don’ t even look at that at all?

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    1. The items in the quote are the Prime Aims. In support of achieving these Prime Aims we look for the empathic, class and special traits and therefore physical appearance and age will be a factor in those traits.

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      1. Its a very critical moment. If you were primary, and you do this and he ‘lets you back’, but he has a new primary, you are signing up to be secondary. And that my dear is a road you can only travel if you can tolerate what it will do to you. Think hard and realize if you are not done now, what will tell you you are done in the future? Where are your limits? Do you have any? What sort of vision and quality of life do you want for yourself, long term?

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  11. @sarabella thank goodness I came to my senses, I clearly was having a low moment! What on earth was I thinking ? I haven’t contacted him and have no desire to either.. thank you for ur comments x

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  12. fattypetters use this time to discover yourself again and what you love. One day you will look back and see a strength you never knew you had all along.

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