57 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 181”

  1. Even one Valentine’s balloon would be grounds for dumping. Or at least a relationship review.

    Seriously, HG, do your women really like this saccharine manufactured stuff?

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    1. I am far more sophisticated in the way I approach it. The meme is representative of the way today is used by ALL our kind to either overload the victim during the seduction or dash expectation during devaluation. This meme encompasses it in a visual manner. If I created a meme in the way I personally did it I suspect I would have been met with “HG I don’t get it.”

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      1. Really my narc never did anything for me on vday bday or any other day I not sure if he ever did in the beginning maybe but I know he would to someone new he will probably be going to strip club tonight or rewarding himself with a hooker!

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      2. My former narc asked me to get together last year for Valentine’s Day. The first thing he says when he shows up at my place: I didn’t intend to ask you out for Valentine’s Day. What do you want to do? Do you want to go out? I said sure at which point he replies, no, I don’t want to go out. The restaurants will be too crowded with couples.

        I finally started to ignore his texts consistently. Several months later I got a text from a strange # and made the mistake of responding. It was him. He said I had to text you from a different # since you’d blocked me. I said i didn’t block you (guess he couldn’t imagine that I simply didn’t respond to his texts). He then immediately sent a text from his normal # and I responded, proving he hadn’t been blocked. Then told me that his therapist (I doubt he has one) told him that we’re perfect for each other. I told him that he didn’t give a hoot about me, he tried to argue the point and then said he was exhausted. We made plans to get together a few nights later, god knows why, perhaps boredom. That night he texts to say that he wasn’t cancelling but needed to change the time to 10 pm or we could do another night, my choice. I said let’s do another night. That subsequent night he cancels, saying his has to get up early to go sea kayaking the next day, texting me a photo of the kayak. I replied: You exhaust me. He said promise you won’t block me? And I replied that the exchange had been very helpful because it showed me exactly how much he cared and told him that I had just blocked both of his #s, which I did. It’s possible to put them behind you or, if not, just view them as entertainment.

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  2. Valentine
    by Carol Ann Duffy

    Not a red rose or a satin heart.

    I give you an onion.

    It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
    It promises light
    like the careful undressing of love.

    Here.

    It will blind you with tears
    like a lover.
    It will make your reflection
    a wobbling photo of grief.
    I am trying to be truthful.

    Not a cute card or a kissogram.

    I give you an onion.

    Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
    possessive and faithful
    as we are,
    for as long as we are.

    Take it.

    Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
    if you like.

    Lethal.

    Its scent will cling to your fingers,
    cling to your knife.

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    1. Oh, come on, Clarece, a few nutters shall not spoil such a lovely day for good! We need to treat ourselves to roses and lots of chocolate hearts! Because we are worth it! 😀

      I’m very much looking forward to spending the evening in the company of Captain Frederick Wentworth. Watch it before bedtime, and you will fall asleep a happy woman! 🙂

      [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcg_LZlx0PA&w=560&h=315%5D

      😊 😊 😊

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      1. Happy V-Day Matilda! My day actually started out very sweet. Since my daughter has been 4 (she’s 11 now), I always get 3-5 cards and a little present and make a scavenger hunt for her around the house to find them all. In each card I write something very unique about her little personality or what she does that I love. So she told me on the way to school that she loves how I take a small holiday and make it huge for her and it means so much to her. That’s worth its weight in gold. I just hope I can do a scavenger hunt for someone significant again in the “grown up” kind of way. lol

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      2. Flickatina,

        Yes, Rupert’s portrayal of Wentworth is outstanding, I like the subtlety in his performance.

        Have seen that version of Emma, the chemistry between the two is very nice… but Emma, the character – oh my gosh, I want to smack her several times throughout the novel! 😉

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      3. Clarece,

        Oh, a scavenger hunt, that’s such a wonderful way of creating happy memories!! 😀 … amusing to think what the version for grown-ups would be like, probably including geographical coordinates, riddles, and secret notes 🙂

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      4. Haha yes Matilda the grown up version can have all that, and mine ends with their present being some new sexy lingerie because, well, they love to be visually gifted upon.

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      5. Flickatina,

        My favourite female Austen characters are Elizabeth, followed by Anne Elliot. Emma sees the error of her ways, and that’s why I cannot hold a grudge against her in the end! 😀

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      6. “I take the Bronte sisters over Austen.”

        Why, HG?

        I do, too.

        The Brontes let their passions guide them in their writings – Charlotte with her deeply wounded heart (unrequited love), Emily with her dark desires for revenge (of unknown origin), and Anne with her sharp eye for human wretchedness and focus on morals (governess life, witnessing her brother’s demise). You can see their personalities shining through, their writing is beautifully raw.

        Charlotte was disappointed with ‘Pride and Prejudice’, saying she only saw a “cultivated garden, with neat borders and delicate flowers; but no glance of a bright, vivid physiognomy, no open country, no fresh air”. Austen’s style is not better or worse, just different. She approaches conflict with sarcasm, social slights, and parodies.

        What makes both Austen’s and Brontes’ works gripping and timeless is one theme that runs through most of their works: redemption. In ‘Wuthering Heights’, for example, you’d have to look hard for it, but it can be found in the love between Catherine (Cathy’s daughter) and Hareton (Hindley’s son). The idea of being redeemed by love is very powerful, indeed, and my stubborn heart just does not want to give up on it! Or, maybe, I have read *too many* novels! 🙂

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      7. Eloquently put Matilda, thank you.

        I will be succinct as Madame Time is seeking to out stride me :-

        There is a raw power in the work of the Brontes that appeals.
        Austen’s work is stiff, one dimensional and bores me rigid.

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      8. You’re welcome, HG.

        Well, Austen’s work is original, world class chick lit… and I loove it. But I can understand why it might not appeal. Thank you for sharing your views on this subject 🙂

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      1. Bloody, I could never pass on that offer!! That special place in your heart, I shall fill with warm and fuzzies tenfold! Happy V-day!

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      2. B.E
        In all seriousness, when you say that to Clarece is it strictly playfulness and because its safe on here? How long do you think the “friendship” could actually last in the flesh before the devaluation would begin? Understand that I am not casting judgement on Clareces suitability to be a good and interesting friend (to the contrary for a “normal”), but your ability as a Narc to withstand her personal opinions, assertions, and expectations which are inevitable in a friendship (especially in the female dynamic which always seems complex). I dont see her as sitting about fawning over you constantly, and given that HG has pointed out several times that a criticism can be perceived where there is none, and you have said previously that women end up competing with you ( which again would be your perception) how likely would that be? Do you have many female friends of any duration? Women are notorious for competing and becoming petty over little things so I would not be surprised if the numbers were few, but even more so with a female Narc I would have thought, due to the superiority aspect. There is no malice or slight intended in this question and could be anyone other than Clarece. It just has come up on several occasions, and as you yourself have stated to people on here, things would be very different if they met HG in person. I just wondered if you see that differently with regard to both your personal feeling and in a female to female relationship as opposed to the romantic overtures HG experiences on here.

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      3. Only one way to find out…B.E. and I will have to meet!
        I definitely see where your train of thought is on this NA. It is something I find myself questioning all the time now that if I know someone is narcissistic and unable to feel certain emotions such as joy, compassion, etc., from the onset, can that change how the relationship can play out without an impending demise? Can a mutual, respectful understanding be met?
        A long time ago, I made the comment to HG that he knows more about me through what I’ve written here (on a personal level) than people I actually interact with daily in my personal life. For instance, the parents I see every day picking up my daughter at her school. None of those people know I considered myself on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse and what a wreck I was for a year 1/2. I’m just bubbly MLA, always smiling. They don’t have a clue. Yet these are people I interact with in “real life”. Here on this blog is definitely a much more intimate snapshot.
        So in a strange way, depending how long someone has been on this blog and if interested in my story that I’ve shared here, upon meeting there would already be boundaries down because they are already going to know certain traits I possess, what upsets me, what brings me happiness, etc.
        The question for BE almost needs to be answered two-fold – one answer for befriending a new, generic female friend and what transpires. One answer if it really was me.

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      4. Hi CLARECE
        I’m glad you took no offence to the question (as none was intended), and could see where I was headed. I witness friendly banter amongst many people here and of course it is mainly empath to empath or empath to HG. There were a few between you and B.E, and as time went on I started to wonder if it really could be successful off blog. As with a number of people here I imagine, I have started to see relationships in my life in a different light. You will see in my post to B.E that I do not keep people close save for one. As you point out-most people largely have no idea of the lives of those around them. I have discarded the idea of getting closer to most people around me as I have only ever experienced boredom setting in quickly in having to conform to “normal” standards and then energy levels dropping trying to maintain the relationship until I ultimately drop it. I didnt put either of you in the boring category lol but you both appear very different and it caused me to wonder about the viability of such a relationship, especially in the context of two females as opposed to the usual female vs the very male HG Tudor. Perhaps had caused me to re-evaluate letting someone get closer. Perhaps. Haha lets not get crazy. Thanks for entertaining the question with me-see you around the blog.
        NA

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      5. Hello NA!

        I highly doubt if you, BE, and I were put in the same room, nobody would find any of us boring!
        Yes, I see about every person I come in contact with through completely different filters. I also attribute that to me recalibrating my own internal warning system and gut instinct about people and things.
        Enjoy your weekend!

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      6. Hello NarcAngel,

        I do not have NPD. I am somewhere else on the “Scale of Disorder” so I do not operate as a “narc.” I am obviously narcissistic as that is a defining trait of my so-called diagnosis, but it is only one of many and does not equal the sum total of who/what I am and how/why I operate. There is a lot more to me than my narcissism.

        I think it is fair to say that in most situations in life, real life would always be different and that is no exception here.

        I am well liked and respected in real life by both men and women and, as I have mentioned before, I enjoy seducing both sexes because I engage in sexual relationships with both sexes. This makes triangulation especially exciting and satisfying on many levels.

        I have a crowd that I run with and it is made up of men and women. It is fair to say I do not have any “friends” – male or female – in the sense that you would define a friend. My crowd is a mix of normal, disordered and those that are like me, some of whom are aware of what they are and some of whom are not.

        When it comes to females, if a female dislikes me, I chalk it up to pettiness and jealousy. It is because she does not like the way the men at the office all stare when I walk by. It is because she is jealous that our big boss is always so complimentary of every little thing I do. It is because she does not think I deserve the promotion I just got and thinks she would have been the better woman for the job. It is because I can afford Louboutin’s and she cannot.

        If a woman behaves this way toward me, socially or at work, I make it my mission to cut her down to size and eviscerate what little (if any) self-esteem she had left with pointed, clinical put downs designed to show her (and everyone else) that I am better than her in every way.

        It is the same if a male criticizes or wounds me, only the tactics I use against him are different.

        If a person criticizes me or wounds me in the real world, all bets are off and things escalate to malice and viciousness quickly. There is no reward to going all out here on the blog because we are not face to face and, to be honest, Keyboard Warriors armed with CAPS LOCK do little to excite or ignite me.

        I have stated before that Clarece and I did not get along at first. We were never particularly nasty with one another, but barbs were traded and yet somehow we both developed a mutual respect and affinity for one another. I could have a “friendship” with her in a real life, as I do with many and varied people.

        I enjoy Clarece and she enjoys me. She seems to accept me as I am, on here at least, and I am accepting of her.

        If a group of you got together for drinks, I am quite certain that if you were to invite me along (there would be hell to pay if you did not!), you would enjoy my company. You would find me charming, witty, glamorous, adventurous and fun to be around. Some might be fascinated by me, some might be intimidated by me and some might hate me on site. It matters not to me since I use all of it to my advantage.

        I want people to adore me. I want people to fear me. I want people to hate me. It is all the same to me. All interchangeable. All delicious.

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      7. Excellent points, Clarece.

        There is also this to consider:

        Are you respectful and friendly toward me here because we do not know each other in real life and this is, is essence, a “safe space”?

        Would you want to be friends with me in real life knowing who and what I am and knowing that, if you were part of my crowd, you would experience (as in be privy to) the very best and the very worst of me?

        Knowing what I am, would you want to meet me in real life? Do you think you could have a lasting “friendship” with me knowing it would never fit your true definition of friendship?

        If we met randomly and you did not know it was me, you would not have any inkling at first that I am what I am.

        The only thing that would disarm you is my eyes, because they are vibrant green and intensely probing. Depending on the day, I have one eye that sometimes appears more bluish/grey than green.

        It would depend on the type of person you are – some find it difficult to look me in the eye or hold my gaze because it makes them uncomfortable. Others cannot seem to look away because they are mesmerized. That assists me greatly upon a first meeting because it gives me a glimpse at the type of person I have in front of me.

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      8. Hello Bloody!

        Let me work down through your questions as you wrote them.

        Q. “Are you respectful and friendly toward me here because we do not know each other in real life and this is, is essence, a “safe space”?”

        A. What you see here is pretty much what you would get on the outside. What felt “safe” initially was the questions I asked HG pertaining to JN and being in the thick of it with him at the time and also not getting what I was looking for from my therapist when I first started interacting here. It was comforting being in a completely anonymous setting while going through a very dark time. When I engage with the other commentators, you’re basically getting MLA-Clarece unplugged just like in real life.

        Q. “Would you want to be friends with me in real life knowing who and what I am and knowing that, if you were part of my crowd, you would experience (as in be privy to) the very best and the very worst of me?”

        A. I would welcome becoming acquainted. Seeing the best and worst of someone progresses over time and one makes the decision for themselves how close to let someone in based on their shared interests and common ground.

        Q. “Knowing what I am, would you want to meet me in real life? Do you think you could have a lasting “friendship” with me knowing it would never fit your true definition of friendship?”

        A. I’d be happy to meet you in real life. Can’t make any promises after that. You may decide you don’t like me.

        If we met randomly and you did not know it was me, you would not have any inkling at first that I am what I am.
        Likewise on my end, Bloody. lol

        BE: “The only thing that would disarm you is my eyes, because they are vibrant green and intensely probing. Depending on the day, I have one eye that sometimes appears more bluish/grey than green.”

        MLA: I have piercing, bright blue eyes frequently commented on upon anyone meeting me. I’m 100% comfortable with straight dead-on eye contact. Does not phase me in the slightest.

        There are two people from this very blog that we had found each other on social media and I am friends with them on that platform outside of here. I have not met anyone from the blog. It has been a very nice experience especially with one of the individuals to correspond and get to know each other to chat occasionally away from here. She is truly a beautiful person inside and out. It is reassuring to have someone on the “outside” who gets it if there is a bad day or a bad date or whatever. No regrets there.

        Do you have anything else for me Bloody? 🙂

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  3. I feel so shit today. The girlfriend posts pictures of overly tacky presents to social media… if she only would see what has been happening behind her back with so many women all the time. But no. She refuses to understand.

    Do you other IPSSs feel rage/hatred towards the primary because they do not get what is going on? I hate this feeling. It’s so hard to learn to let go.

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    1. They may well do if they are being triangulated. Such behaviour towards an IPSS would be more about testing them (since it is rare to devalue an IPSS) and even then, the fact they may see the IPPS posting a wonderful gift they have received from us may be more to do with the IPPS putting stuff online as opposed to us.

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  4. HG, Do you like the poem of Carol Ann Duffy?
    Is one of my favourite ones.
    I had so much fun when i had to write an analysis while studying to get my GCSE in English.
    I did get good grades for that.

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  5. For your and everyone else’s amusement I wanted to share an excerpt of an article from NPR (http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133693152/the-dark-origins-of-valentines-day)
    The Dark Origins of Valentine’s Day
    ” Though no one has pinpointed the exact origin of the holiday, one good place to start is ancient Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.

    Those Wild And Crazy Romans

    From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.

    The Roman romantics “were drunk. They were naked,” says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.

    The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival — or longer, if the match was right.

    The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men — both named Valentine — on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.

    Later, Pope Gelasius I muddled things in the 5th century by combining St. Valentine’s Day with Lupercalia to expel the pagan rituals. But the festival was more of a theatrical interpretation of what it had once been. Lenski adds, “It was a little more of a drunken revel, but the Christians put clothes back on it. That didn’t stop it from being a day of fertility and love.”

    Around the same time, the Normans celebrated Galatin’s Day. Galatin meant “lover of women.” That was likely confused with St. Valentine’s Day at some point, in part because they sound alike.”

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    1. Beautiful area Boulder Colorado is, yet if you look at all the hoilidays they go back to pagan rituals and some are quite disturbing yet fascinating as to how things have evolved to mean something different today.

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  6. I got told but you must believe in valentine’s day. You’ve got to. So I give in cos I think I’m being kind. Fine we’ll have valentine’s day and all its niceties if it makes you happy. I end up being the one planning it and probably the one most enraptured by it which is totally not like me. Today we are not together and it feels so so bizarre. In fact it’s actually upset me. But that’s not like me too!

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    1. I don’t imagine the peace now in my heart will be dashed. I am free of the need to make him and his personality disordered soul the center of my world.

      While I can still feel my psyche occasionally begin to seek homeostasis toward the insane drama he brought into my life, I take a deep breath and think ‘nevermore’.

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  7. I must say these posts are brilliant. As are the books. I’ve had a downer day n got out walking the dog n was thinking about this post n how valentine’s is used to hook u. I can see it with me. Shortly before valentines he said we need nick names. I was kitten he was tiger. Valentines day is gifts and a meal. One of his gifts to me was a gem stone necklace. Tigers Eye stone on it and a kitten hanging on it. Using that day for romance meant romance could be used on other occasions. Here’s a beautiful red rose for my beautiful wife. Walking the dog and going through the kissing gates and kissing me at each one. That had an effect. Once the discard happened I nearly went mad counting the kissing gates without him. 18 I counted til I got a grip. I’ve recovered now. I don’t love him. There is no kitten. There is no tiger. If anything I love me and don’t like how he’s made me feel and don’t deserve to be treated this way. I’ve figured out what I need to do and have a plan of action. I’m coming back at him and ripping his world open and seeing how he likes it! Happy valentine’s day to me n thanks hg for your insightful information x

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      1. many years, this was my devaluation day, this year, today, final and cruel discard. exactly what i was expecting, though, as he has been busy grooming and love bombing the one that was secondary for last 3 years. your words, Mr Tudor, don’t make it better, of course, but at least validates my observations of over 13 years with one of “your kind”… Thank you & iheart your information

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  8. Your welcome. I had a very nasty discard happen in August. Every step against me I’ve counteracted. I hit end November n physically n mentally crashed. I’ve recovered now though. I’ve got my fight back. Things are going to get very very interesting indeed!

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  9. OMG I just saw in a shop a (tacky) heart pillow with “I love you” written on it. My ex-narc gave such a heart to me at the beginning of our “relationship” and said that he had bought it a looong time ago, when he was sooooo wishing for a loving relationship, and now, the right woman had come into his life (me). … I stabbed the heart-pillow to death when he had stabbed my own heart. I showed it to him and he found that extremely amusing. (I know, HG …. fuuuueeeeel).
    BUT: I didn’t feel anything anymore when I remembered that today!! I’m healed!!!

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  10. Cute Narc Story. On a number (It did work more than once, ugh!) V-Days when I was young, Dad comes home from work, Giant Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates and small candy bar. 2 cards. Sets down on table, Mom smiles and opens card, I do the same. She grabs big box, Dad says, uh what are you doing? That’s for AB. Her face falls. Argument ensues, Triangulation Complete. Btw, she blamed me as I was trying to act like his wife and I am jealous of her. Huh? I’m in 3rd grade Mom. #narclife

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