No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
18 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
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My narc and I broke up about 18 months ago. I haven’t heard from him until yesterday. After our breakup he blocked me on Facebook. Well he unblocked me. Sent me a friend request and a short pm. I found out he and his gf broke up about 3 weeks ago. So I’m experiencing my first Hoover since the break up. I’ve read some of your stuff HG, but I’m still unsure how to handle it. He’s been on my mind ALOT the last 5-6 weeks or so due to his gf parking her car within eyesight of where I work. Seeing it everyday had him on my mind constantly. Prior to this I had finally stopped thinking of him when I woke up, went to sleep, drove home from work, etc. I’m thinking I can do this (actually deceiving myself) that I could do this again, and not get sucked in and totally lose myself in him. I’ve grown since we broke up, and I think I’ve become a much stronger person now, but am I strong enough. The sex was always awesome, could I just do booty calls? So many questions, and so few answers. Any helpful advice, tongue lashings, or beat some sense into me?
Hello Camille, thank you for your post, this type of situation is best suited to a private consultation to allow the most detailed and effective response to be given.
My narc and I broke up about 18 months ago. I haven’t heard from him until yesterday. After our breakup he blocked me on Facebook. Well he unblocked me. Sent me a friend request and a short pm. I found out he and his gf broke up about 3 weeks ago. So I’m experiencing my first Hoover since the break up. I’ve read some of your stuff HG, but I’m still unsure how to handle it. He’s been on my mind ALOT the last 5-6 weeks or so due to his gf parking her car within eyesight of where I work. Seeing it everyday had him on my mind constantly. Prior to this I had finally stopped thinking of him when I woke up, went to sleep, drove home from work, etc. I’m thinking I can do this (actually deceiving myself) that I could do this again, and not get sucked in and totally lose myself in him. I’ve grown since we broke up, and I think I’ve become a much stronger person now, but am I strong enough. The sex was always awesome, could I just do booty calls? So many questions, and so few answers. Any helpful advice, tongue lashings, or beat some sense into me?
The Narcissist who was in my life had a favourite quote by Shakespeare (I think?)
“If you love me, I am always in your heart.
If you hate me I am always in your mind.”
And he added… its a win/win for me..
I told his spies that I am indifferent to him and if pressed, could maybe summon a little pity…
That really annoyed him apparently!
This happened to me today, goood grief!!!!
H.G. I swear you’re a mind reader
Thanks for the tip👍
The problem with this is…I never talked kindly about him when we were together. So the groupies cannot fall back on that. So I have been speaking the truth about him forever. My words in present do not contradict the ones all along. So hmmmm…
Good posts such good information.
Can a person who I thought was a good friend become a Lieutenant? She is checking on me and saying I will be missed at an annual gathering we all went to. She misses no opportunity to be around the narcissist. I deliberately haven’t discussed him or hinted at what I suspect about him.
Absolutely.
I do not discuss about him. No one asks me about him. Good friends do not, because they do not want to remember me of him, my mother does not, because she does not care for me. Therefore, my personal devil is wiped out of memory to my environment. For me – it is better to have a reminder. I bought a bag made of linen, printed a very ugly picture of him on the front and use it for the bottles and glasses I have to bring to the glass container. So I always remember what kind of bottle he was. ( in my language a very derogatory word for someone) In the past I hated to do this duty, now I love it. Each time it is a little dirty secret pleasure for me. I always want to remember what he is. I should never forget that. I will not be surprised if this bottle tries to hoover me again. Perhaps your idea is effective for some people, for others it does not work. Talking about this traumatic relationship is necessary to get over it. The victims decides when it is enough. And it is very important to talk to the right people, people better therapists who really know narcissistic disorder. I agree, it it difficult to find such people. If we do not talk about it, we become ill like you are.
I am not ill, this is what I am.
This is why I hide when I see someone that my ex knows. I know they will report back and I DO NOT want that. I am a lot more observant than I used to be. I still look for her car and I take notice of what time I’m out. Just in case she might be in the same place.
I actually have not been talking about her as much and my brother finally asked
“Have you finally gotten over her” “I haven’t heard you talk about her”
But I’ve also gotten good at not wanting to hear complaints and comments from the peanut gallery. It is very frustrating.
My husband and daughter do not use her name at all.
My husband calls her “that woman”
And my daughter calls her the devil.
More great advice HG
Every bit you give us helps.
I only talked to a select few, Would my silence have been the reason he sent them to me?
Yes.
Thank you
HG
Noted😩
So apt for me right now.
Your insight and guidance is second to none.
Brilliant.
Thank you.
This is fantastic advice, thank you. No Contact is fully in effect but, dammit, I still talk about the hollow shell of a human being you are with my people. I can’t help it. Still shocked and utterly disgusted that a creature as pathetic as you even exists and hides among the living. And I can’t help but get my very own empathic thought fuel imagining your reaction to my NC. You thought you had me ensnared forever, huh? Not so much, Machiavelli. But in focusing on you — you’re right — I’m keeping you alive in my mind when you deserve nothing better than to be dead. You will become dead to me with time. You will.
Hi HG,
I am really digging your new material on No Contact. Again, like my comment earlier, you strike me as being a natural behaviorist.
Indeed, stop talking about this person. Every time you talk about this person, those pathways in your brain are revisited, like that old reliable path in the wood that is so well worn. It is so much easier to go down this path, over and over, as there are no obstacles. Now is the time to allow the brush to grown in. Do not keep these mental paths well worn and you will eventually stop thinking about him or her. And then, before you know it, a week has gone by without a thought of this person. A good start is to stop with using the person’s name. Then, stop all mention. Then, anytime he or she crosses your mind, shift or distract. This will help those bushes and trees take growth over the path. In DBT, it is called Opposite Action. What ever you call it, it is very effective.
Nice piece here, HG. Keep doing what you are doing! I also think you are going deeper that what you have done previously and I really appreciate it. Perhaps I am imaging things, though the compliment is real and still there. Nice.
Indy
Thanks Indy.