Utter Disgust

utter-disgust

You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did not I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

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25 thoughts on “Utter Disgust”

  1. It is interesting. Disgust and bitterness seem to also be frequent emotions of your kind. It is not something I experience much and I was blown away with the amount my ex experienced. I wonder, HG, have you explored your experience of disgust in therapy with the good doctors? It is an emotion that fascinates me (intellectually and with curiosity). At first blush, I would hypothesize you heard this word a lot as a kid from MatriNarc and perhaps seen it directed at others and possibly yourself? Where do you think it comes from for you(in general)?

    Thanks,
    Indy

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    1. Yes it has been discussed (see what I did there?). I saw disgust more from MatriNarc (often towards my father and other people who did not do as she wished or failed to come up to her standards etc) in the way she looked at people rather than what she said.

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      1. Ha ha (thank you for the chuckle)

        I wonder why I do not relate to this emotion as much. I guess I experience it more and more now with all the American politics/drama now but in general not so much.

        What about “bitter”?

        My ex would often label bitterness as an emotion he felt frequently as well. Again, I think I am fascinated by the amount or lack of it that I feel in general. I get pissed, furious, annoyed, jealous, envious though bitter isn’t in there often. Disgust rarely as well. I feel sadness and its variations. Fear and its variations. Hmmmm…I also wonder if it is a label difference for similar feelings.

        Thoughts?

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      2. god. the looks. Utter disdain? Pure superior hostility. Belittling. She even used to sniff in strange ways and cock her head back. And she knew of ‘ her look’. Her withering look intended to demean and squash you like a bug. And yes, bitter. Contempt. Zero ability to hear herself and her arrogance

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  2. I percieve this piece as projection, as that is exactly how i think towards him… am i correct in this? i do admire your ability to write so descriptively!

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      1. No. You said the purpose of your articles are “Knowing the Narcissist”; the narcisst prespective, and I’m holding you accountable of that. You can’t get all ‘grey area’ now..

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    1. Its a projection of how he feels about himself. Tbere is a psychoanalytical word for this dynamic which escapes me now.

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  3. Another wonderful pièce HG. I can imagine words coming from either victim or predator.

    I do wonder. Fuel from your victims is no more then that, fuel. But when you read the comments here and are confronted with the damage your kind does with their victims. Are our comments just more fuel, more insight on how to perfect your skills or do they ever hit home with you?

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  4. Interesting how all but the punishment part is completely how we feel towards narcissist when we are discarded. Projection seems obvious but interesting it’s also each side’s perspective. Or simply narcissist reacting to our new image of who they really are. Like in the beginning we see them as great/wonderful & they reflect that, but now it’s ugly/horrible & they reflect that. Regardless it’s sad that the hate they spew at us is as real to them as our hurt of what they did to us.

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  5. Through your eyes from your distorted perspective. I don’t see it as projecting, i view this as their perspective/ expectations which we could never achieve. It’s like chasing waterfalls.

    “I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.”

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  6. HG, you think, that we think…..I agree to Entertainment`s opinion. In my special case I really feel at the moment, what you described.I have a narcissistic trait, so there is a lot of hate and disgust towards your kind. And no mercy towards you. Or perhaps it is only the reaction of an average, normal person? I don`t know at this moment. I did not expect that my personal devil would be the white knight, I only wanted a normal man who is responsible and reliable. Someone who gives me the freedom I need, someone who likes to be with me, Someone who gives and takes and where I can give and take. In the golden period he told me every day, how beautiful I am and how many good character traits I have. It was much too much. I knew that I never would fulfill this illusion of him. Later when he devalued me I tried to tell him what I liked at him, when I met him. He did not want to hear it. I asked him why he did not want to hear it. No answer. I asserted myself and told him, what it was. It was his smile, it was the way he treated things,… Every thing was only a small thing, but that was it what I liked in the past. There was no white knight needed, no deed of a hero needed, no exaggeration needed, no expensive gifts, nothing of all that….He was surprised and for the first time in our relationship he was silent. (You know, that you hold a lot of monologue) . There was no pressure to be a “wonder” man.
    I did not want him to make my life easier or to be the solution to my own problems. But I wanted a man who is able to solve his own problems. And that he could not. I do not want to be a mother of a big child. I wanted a man.

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    1. Some people on here are really wonderful.
      Its all so bloody unfair all this…no one said life was fair I know, but still!

      Its so fucked up that such decent, kind, thoughtful, caring, loving, strong, capable (and so much more,) fun, salts of the earth people are literally tortured nearly half to death.

      I am so proud of the resolve of some people in this world and their enduring spirit. Against so many odds who push through.
      Very beautiful and kind people who deserve so much more than a pile of neverending bullshit, cruelty and pain.
      I’m so sick of the injustice at the very least.

      Find lasting freedom and peace.. keep on keeping on.
      Keep a good heart and never give up. Try with all your might not to let a narc taint your perspectives ‘forever’.
      There is an abundance of real love out there still…not every smile or kindness slides to hell.. if today you feel alone…hold on.
      Your days will come. Days of sheer normality no less are ahead of you.. oh the sheer bliss of our own normalities whatever they may be!
      Where your smile isn’t forced as it covers your inner screams and your chest doesn’t ache..
      Where your tummy doesnt churn nor your hands tremble…or any other diabolical effect wrought upon us against our wills.

      No. You will see good things still ahead in life…. and experience them. You will be happy again.. please keep believing! xx

      You will make it and you will be ok. Onwards.

      Peace ⚘⚘⚘

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    2. Mona

      I love your comment.
      And what was so wrong to simply want a man. Im so with you ..ditto.. the way you describe all this.. I wish you peace. ⚘

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  7. It was not my fault, that I felt in love with him. There were so many similarities of him to my mother. It was so familiar. At that time I was not aware that my mother is a victim narcissist. Now I know. I took the same kind of lover like my mother is. The elder my mother gets the more my mother is manipulative. It is so disappointing. Because of her age she cannot hide it like she did in the past. She is not that intelligent any more and I am aware of what she really is. Now I hate both. I really need other people around me. That is not the way I want to live. No, I need strong people with self-confidence and self-respect. People like me and not like you and your kind. I need people with empathy, strength,prudence.and rationality. No moon walkers or fading stars. People like me with acceptable weaknesses. And I do not addict on love anymore. I love myself.

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    1. Good for you Mona. Love yourself, and invest your time in healthy loving relationships with people of like minds. My mother is the same way, as she aged she’s more overt. I will talk on phone with her occasionally but do not want to visit with her. It’s been two years she’s about a hour and a half away. I know it sounds sad but I can’t. Not now anyway. My codependent sister tries to make me feel bad and says that life is too short. Not for all.

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