5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need to “Sign Off”

5-common-no-contact-mistakes-5

The most common conclusion to the romantic entanglement with our kind is for you to be discarded. Certainly this is what happens the first time around for most people. Later on, the likelihood of it ending because you escape increases as a consequence of either increased knowledge or awareness and/or being unwilling or unable to endure the consequences of your treatment for any longer.

Where you have been discarded, it is understandably common for victims to do a number of things, which includes :-

  1. Trying to resurrect the Formal Relationship with us;
  2. Wanting answers as to why you were discarded;
  3. Wanting answers to understand how you have been treated;
  4. Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues;
  5. Wanting us to understand how much you love us/you are hurt/you are angry etc

Whilst you may want to tear a strip off us and give us a piece of your mind it is usually the case when you have been discarded that your response is not so much an aggressive one, but more one of bewilderment, pleading, trying to get together again and sort matters out, or eventual resignation and hurt with a recognition of the need to tie up those loose ends such as money owed, the return of possessions and so forth. The general stance by those discarded is not usually aggressive in nature.

When you have been discarded from being our Intimate Partner Primary Source this has happened most of the time because you have been replaced by somebody else. We have somebody new, exciting and with that wonderful positive fuel which we want to last forever. This means that you will be effectively deleted from our minds. This is the ideal opportunity for you to establish your no contact. We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity. This is because they cannot make sense of what has happened to them, nor what they need to do. They remain in the emotional sea and unable to make any progress.

The desire to sign off and gain some kind of closure by engaging in items 1-5 above (and more besides) means that you try to contact us, whether it is in person, by letter, telephone call or electronic message. At best you will be politely rebuffed and if you accept that rejection and stay out of our way, you are highly unlikely to hear anything more from us until the new primary source is devalued and we come after you by virtue of the hoover. However, if you continue to want to achieve the “sign off” by engaging in sustained contact you will receive malign hoovers to drive you away. You will be smeared even further and you will be triangulated with the new primary source.

However it will not end there.

If you eventually stay away and look at implementing no contact, your post discard behaviour has generated a significant risk to maintaining that no contact. You have already been painted black by virtue of being a treacherous and failed appliance. Your failure to accept you have been discarded (because you keep contacting us) not only infuriates us because we see it as our right to engage in the golden period with the new primary source free from interference from you, but you are failing to do what we want. Yes, we will issue malign hoovers for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you when there is engagement. Your insolent behaviour for not  staying out of our way means that when Follow-Up Hoovers occur at a later stage (subject as ever to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria) is likely to result in a malice obsession trigger so that there are repeated Hoover Triggers and that we will embark on a malign campaign against you.

Thus, when your replacement is being devalued, we will be seeking a replacement and one of two things will happen. We will either devalue the existing primary source, seduce a fresh prospective primary source AND malign hoover you by way of punishment or we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source and then we will torment you. You will be placed on the shelf for long periods by way of punishment. You will be subjected to devaluing behaviour, this being one of the exceptions to when IPSSs usually enjoy elongated golden periods.

It tends to be the case that the Lesser and Lower Mid Rangers will adopt for the malign hoover campaign only. The Upper Mid Ranger and Greaters will adopt one or the other given their greater degree of sophistication and calculation.

Thus the desire to seek some kind of sign off with us when we discard you has numerous effects but so far as no contact is concerned you have created the risk that we will come after you with a vengeance either in a malign fashion or to torment you further by bringing you back under our wing in a supposedly benign fashion.

Your repeated failure to do what we wanted post discard means you run the risk of creating a malice obsession with us and thus this will cause repeated Hoover Triggers so that in ordinary circumstances you may well have reduced the Hoover Triggers to a very low level, but now, you are causing them frequently with the consequences that follow as we keep hoovering looking to disrupt your attempt at no contact.

Thus, that is the risk where you have been discarded. What of when you have escaped?

In this situation you are far more likely to have resolve, worked things out, planned and perhaps you even know what we are. Combine this with how you have been treated by us means that the desire to “sign off”with us in some way is huge. In the case of your escape, this manifests usually in the following ways:-

  1. Seeking to expose us to third parties;
  2. Telling us how terrible we are;
  3. Looking to hurt us in some way;
  4. Unleashing your anger on us;
  5. Telling us we need to change and seek help.

In essence your sign off is not so much about seeking answers and/or sorting things out as it might be when you have been discarded but it is about getting one over on us.

You will undoubtedly feel better for telling us what  obnoxious, unfaithful, hurtful bastards we are. You will feel a sense of relief at telling us how you hate us or how you pity us. You will feel a sense of accomplishment by telling us what we are. However with all of that comes a considerable risk to the no contact you will want to put in place once you have escaped.

First of all, the usual “sign off” is done in a fuel filled manner. If you confront us you will be utterly unable to deliver your tirade or announcement without giving us fuel. Even if by telephone or in a letter it will be fuel filled. I have seen it often. This means that your last act as you escape is to remind us of what an excellent fuel provider you are. The consequence of this means that the Initial Grand Hoover which follows as we seek to bring you back under our control will be fiercer. If the IGH does not work and we are forced to find a new primary source, when there is a Hoover Trigger for a Follow-Up Hoover further in time, you will automatically lower  the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria because you have given us an excellent fuel imprint at “sign off”. Thus you increase the risk of successful hoovers.

If you have wounded us through this sign off (which usually happens with exposure attempts rather than your final message to us) then this  creates a risk to your intended no contact. The IGH becomes furious as we are driven to assert control, gain fuel and heal the wound. You will also have created the risk of causing a malice obsession so that if the IGH fails, you have increased the risk of Hoover Triggers when we devalue your replacement. Thus when you are trying to maintain no contact we will keep hoovering you with intensity. Either from a frenzied IGH or later through repeatedly triggered Follow-Up Hoovers which will be malign in nature.

Accordingly, whilst the desire to “sign off” with us in some way will be either inevitable (post discard since you do not know what you are dealing with) or difficult to resist (post escape because you want your final say to us) the fact of signing off will increase the risk that your no contact implementation will fail.

Resist the temptation to sign off and thus maximise your chances of a successful no contact implementation.

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21 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need to “Sign Off””

  1. so how does one go about dealing with #4 “Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues” when it is all I have left on your “lists”? It is NEEDED in order to complete my escape. My resources were targeted (by lesser) and entertwined as his own… all my attorneys have “quit”, and i can no longer fund them to “get it done”…. Also, off the record, has any research been done as to how many of “your kind” end up murdered by “our kind” in order to escape? That just crossed my mind… Thank you in advance, HG for any insight you can provide

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    1. The occasional victim may murder their abuser, it happens. I daresay there are statistics available but I anticipate the number is low.

      Engage the assistance of a friend or family member on your behalf or take the view that writing it off (subject to amount etc) may be a price worth paying to escape and preserve no contact.

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  2. HG, this just creates greater confusion for me. I “escaped” because I starting figuring out who he really was and he did not discard me. I was granted a restraining order which he violated with the Initial Grand Hoover, and consequently spent 4 nights in the clink. The State’s Attorney asked me to provide an impact statement for the court date this week for the violation. This statement is supposed to be contain why I’m in fear and what he’s done to me, what it was like being with him, etc. so this will impact if the judge gives him a slap on the wrist or gives him any jail time (doubt it). So if the imapact statement says how scared I am and how he was controlling, obnoxious, abusive, etc., wouldn’t that be adding to the negative fuel he wants? So how do approach this? I’m afraid if I don’t provide detail and keep it matter-of-factly they won’t take me seriously, but if I say I’m afraid and that he’s dangerous and he has stalked me, he will get the fuel that he wants. Please help. Court is this week!
    P.S. I cringe every time you refer to us as “appliances”. Makes me feel like my importance to him was equivalent to the Mr. Coffee pot (which it probably was), but it gives me the strength to maintain NC.

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  3. I agree with Ms Brown above that the thought of “our kind” doing away with “your kind” does tend to cross the mind often. Mostly due to frustration with the hopelessness of the situation and feelings of powerlessness when (in the case of co-parenting) there can be no true severence of ties. Things would truly be better if we could walk away from the “relationship”, heal and never look back. However, the connection of children (even almost grown children) makes this so difficult. We always have to hear about the N or what he is doing with the new fuel and how they are living their new lives and it hurts because it sounds infinitely better than our lives with them ever were. How do we deal with the infuriating discard, being ignored (i.e. unreturned calls, texts, emails about important child and financial matters) and treated as though we are non-existant even when we are the parent of their children. I understand that no contact is for the best but it seems ironic that the N has implemented no contact and does not care to be contacted or engaged regarding pressing issues. Most of the time I don’t care and just let it go and deal with things on my own but sometimes I get really angry because it seems like nothing relating to his former life with me (our children, their well being, their schooling, the bills etc) is important at all.

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  4. “doing away with” imo, is soley to end the entanglement. not based on emotions, etc., at least for myself. as a form of survival of myself

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    1. What the fuck? 22M? Who are you or was it an inheritance? That amount is worth revenge I’m sorry. I’d be bat shit crazy if I were you. What’s your story? That happened with a lesser????

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      1. Joanne…. The two are unrelated and the $22 Million is a “joke” between myself and Mr Tudor, lol… see prior posts in “Bare Necessity” for clarification….

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  5. A Facebook friend of mine contacted me about our Singer N and said she was thrown away like garbage. I don’t know how she heard about me. He didn’t actually discard me since I walked out on him while he was talking and haven’t heard from him. It has been two months. She wants very badly for me to write an email and send to his management some messages that his current fuel wrote to me before she got with him. She was very jealous of me. He saw us together a few times so he knew we were friends. The messages are very unflattering and accuse him of having all sorts of enhancements and hair plugs plus saying he probably lives on Viagra. Lots of things he wouldn’t like reading. I just happened to keep the messages with her face on them. I don’t want to write to him but my other friend won’t get off my back. I can’t imagine it would help her as far as getting him back. I have no idea how he would react or if he would be angry at me. I am the only one who believes he is a narcissist. HG, if this is not too silly, please give me your thoughts. I would rather not contact him, but I know she is hurting. I’m sure his Manager is part of his couterie — wouldn’t you think so?

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  6. I’ve recently completed the Psycho-divorce of the Century. My ex’s smear campaign has many believing I’m Bipolar – despite TWO thorough mental health assessments to the contrary. I’m in Narcissistic Abuse therapy, but my daughters think I’m making up the issue of my abuse. Cognitive dissonance runs deep when Daddy Dearest plans to take them to Berlin & pay for weddings! They’ve all 3 discarded me. This is a heinous thing for a father to perpetrate upon his – our – daughters. He even arranged for me to spend 3 days in County Jail, via Perjury, for Violating a Harassment Restraining Order. My college daughters now believe him, that I wasn’t “set up” to violate his most ludicrous HRO claim. Can you offer any suggestions concerning children who have also fallen into his abyss?
    P.S. (I’m charging him in Civil court for Abuse of Process & hopefully the County Attorney will take up the Perjury charge)

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  7. I related to so much in the post and it is a great reminder to keep NC because my soon to be ex never responds the way a normal person would when I contact him. I just make things harder on myself. I can’t wait for the divorce to be over. I honestly don’t see a follow up Hoover from him — he seems really gone to me. I hope he doesn’t, anyway. But you’ve said it’s unlikely that I’ll escape that, so I suppose I’ll be ready of it comes.

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  8. What happens if you escape, knowing what he is and doing endless research on narcissism, but you do so quietly. What should I expect when just 3 days ago I tightened any loose ends. Took care of all matters and simply no longer answered his calls or responded to his text. I didn’t give him any answers, yell hateful profanities, try to smear him. I simply just walked away. Of course the day after he showed up at my house but I new he would so I had my best friend spend the night. So he waited for me to leave. I gave him no fuel as he followed me to the store. What am I to expect from him. He has a lot of lower and mid-range tendencies. Any insight would be appreciated HG.

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    1. Good work so far Elizabeth. You will receive the Initial Grand Hoover at this juncture. I recommend you read Black Hole as this will spell it all out for you in detail.

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      1. Thank you HG, I also need to read up on keeping no contact. He’s a clever one and when nothing else works he uses our daughter. Any suggestion on books or post for that as well?

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      2. See Manipulated and Escape. Whilst they do not mention children specifically you will learn how they will be used in manipulations and how to counter them. The forthcoming work Defender incorporates co-parenting to a greater degree.

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  9. Hi HG! Congratulations on your three millions hits! The information that I have received by daily reading of your blog and books have helped me to maintain no contact for over a year now. I didn’t know the guy was a narc and I think I caused massive narcissistic injury after mass narcissistic injury because I would call him out on everything he said and did. I even laughed at him when I ended the relationship. I am paying a high price for this as he has made life very difficult. He hoovers were at first benign. They are malign now. I reported him at work last week for harassment. He is very well liked so I don’t know what impact this will have on him. I love my job and I am not quitting because of him. HG, will this ever end? Also, I hate that I still find him incredibly attractive. Help!

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  10. Hi, what are you thinking if there is no contact on our part post discard. I’m sure you’re expecting us to come crawling back. What if we painted YOU black based on discovering what you are.

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    1. Invariably when we have dis-engaged with you, we are concentrating on somebody else in that golden period so you do not matter anymore. If you come crawling back, you will be rebuffed. If you paint us black to other people, you usually fail because we will have smeared you first before we dis-engaged. If you view us as black yourselves, then that is entirely understandable and it is of no concern because

      1. At that point as mentioned you do mater; and
      2. When we decide to hoover you, if you regard us as white or black, you are still regarding us – love us or hate us it is all fuel.

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      1. Well then, if and when he decide to Hoover I will not regard him. I will remain indifferent and ignore. Thanks for your reply.

        d

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  11. I tried to explain why I don’t want this anymore. I showed him evidence of his cheating and lies. I blocked him everywhere but one window was still open and he didn’t stopped to text me. Finally after weeks I was able to block everything but I think I waited too long. He sent me flying monkeys and acts like he is the victim and I’m afraid. Maybe I waited too long with the No Contact.

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  12. Hi HG – I have another scenario. What if the N was clearly trying to set up a silent treatment through an argument (negative fuel) and I denied him of it? Example – I could tell that he was setting me up to argue and then implement the silent treatment and then later on through hoovers, he could blame my “crazy actions” for his disappearance. I was entangled with this Moron a few years ago so I knew what was coming so I kept deflecting, kept resisting the urge to argue and remained disconnected from his actions. After about two months of this behavior from him when he deemed a “perfect” time to deliver a blow that was supposed to teach me a lesson (I wasn’t jumping to his every command anymore cause I knew what he was), he arranged to meet up and then didn’t show up. Of course I knew what he was doing (thanks to YOU and your awesome website!), so instead of sending texts that I knew would be ignored, I called him. He immediately picked up (of course he did – he WANTED a knock down drag out fight) he tried to start a fight by being belligerent, I didn’t take the bait and I calmly hung up on him. I got a head start on the silent treatment (ME giving him the treatment, not the other way around) and it’s been 4 weeks since the phone call and I’ve blocked him at every angle and feel absolutely wonderful about my escape. Yes, little old me, the one he thought was the most reliable fuel source out there – I escaped HIM.

    I understand he will target me through hoovers, but since I was an IPSS, this might prove very difficult as no one in my life knew about him, we didn’t travel in the same social circles, we don’t have any common friends together – he was in effect MY “dirty little secret’. In the past he has shown up on my doorstep but with the invention of technology, I never have to open my door again.

    Did I wound him by getting a head start on the Silent Treatment? This little song and dance is over for me, now I just want to keep wounding him until he stays away – for good.

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