Close To Heaven



It is testament to the intensity of our love-bombing, our seductive charade and the illusion that we create that you feel that we are heaven sent. Nobody compares to us either before after. Our love is like the sun. Vast, burning and immense, so bright and you, like most things on this planet, come to depend on it. The brilliance with which we make you ours by the carefully constructed and elegantly orchestrated ensnaring means you do not notice what is happening to you. All you know that is your dreams have come true. You are whisked off your feet, made to feel special and lifted up on high. And why not? You are indeed special to us. We chose you. From all those appliances out there, from the thousands upon thousands we targeted you, we researched you and we dedicated ourselves to capturing you. That is how special you are. You are particularly special because you are elevated to the position of being our primary source of fuel. What greater honour could my kind ever bestow on someone? You are my life blood. Without the fuel that you provide to me each and every day, succulent, potent and plentiful, I would no longer exist. No wonder I worship you when I first find you. You are the answer to my fears. The destruction of the construct is a terrifying matter to contemplate and I will do anything to ensure that this does not happen. You are instrumental in achieving this and it is through your fuel that I am not only able to exist but function, conquer and attract. You are so important to me that you provide the fuel that allows me to draw in even more fuel. You are the catalyst for all my endeavours, my machinations and my schemes. You are the driving force behind everything that I do, my successes, my ambitions and my achievements. It is because of you I am able to illuminate the world with my brilliance. Now do you understand why my seduction of you must be so absolute and intense? You are my saviour, you are everything that I need and accordingly I must capture you with all due expedience so that you are not plucked from my grasp by some other pretender. It is through you that I am able to transcend the mediocre and mundane, how those words make me shudder. My seduction is borne out of a great ravenous hunger. I need you. To acquire you I must take you closer to the heaven than you have ever been. Does it matter that I do so through the construct of an illusion so long as it serves that purpose to ensnare you? You are worshipped, adored and idealised – who would not want to be revered in such a manner and by one so talented as I? It is a match that was forged in heaven – you give me what I need and I give you what you desire. It makes perfect sense and this ideal matching of you and I must always come to pass. It is written in the stars above.

I pin all my hopes on you. I put every ounce of effort into acquiring you. I strain my sinews, polish my charm and burn brightly in the hope and expectation that you will provide me with the outstanding fuel. You do not disappoint. At least not at first. Yet, the time comes when the fuel sours and becomes stale and that is why my treatment becomes so awful and horrendous. My malice is driven by your failure. Our immortal union was in touching distance. I had you at the gates of heaven and all you needed to do was to keep supplying me with that wonderful fuel. I know you tried. Goodness knows you have told me often enough about all the things you have done and how you tried over and over again to make things work. You were not the only one you know. That sense of having been so close burns through me and the fury that is unleashed is so virulent I am unable to control it and thus it must be spewed over you, drowning you in my hatred, my bilious venom oozing across you, trickling into your open orifices as I seek to smother you in my cloying evil. You promised so much. That is why I promised so much in return. We got so near but then you faltered, you floundered and you failed and it all came crashing down. If there was a different way, if there was some alternative which meant I did not have to unleash hell against you, then perhaps that would be chosen instead but there is not. I know no other way than that which is meted out to you when it all comes crashing down. I cannot control it because you threaten my existence by your failure and I must turn to other means to secure and preserve my existence. I obtain other sources of my precious fuel to avoid my extinction from your negligence.

I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to take you to heaven and because of your failings we had never been closer to heaven and then we had never been further away. Why did you do it to me?

15 thoughts on “Close To Heaven

  1. Brilliant.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

      1. But not in a good way. 😉

  2. amsodone says:

    Nice window into narc projection… blame the victim, it is all your fault, fuel

    1. HG Tudor says:


  3. Bloody Elemental says:

    It is inevitable.

  4. Twilight/Dawn says:

    Only two things stood out
    The picture
    The last line.

  5. sea Shell says:

    I cannot believe how much I can relate to this. I so wish I had known about “greater” narcissists (or narcissists in general) way back in the golden period. Instead, I couldn’t believe my luck and totally allowed myself to be transported to what I thought was a dream come true.

  6. abrokenwing says:

    Because you scared me and because I couldn’t take any more.. but of course I’m the one to blame, I am guilty and you are the victim.

  7. bananasareberries1 says:

    I assume not all narcs are successful during love bombing, for various reasons. How does the narc feel after failing in this phase and e.g. if the woman wants to only be a friend? Is that interpreted as criticism?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We usually are but there will be occasions where a poor target might be picked. If the target is content to be a NISS then she will be placed in the fuel matrix – it is not an outright rejection and therefore her positive response in wanting to be a friend will provide fuel.
      If the target just was not interested at all, this would be a criticism and may well lead to the ignition of fury.

  8. giulia says:

    I’ve heard this story before

  9. jojometoo says:

    I did nothing but love you with every ounce of my being,because I couldn’t spend 24/7 with you ,I failed you. Even before you were lining them up so piss off !

  10. Dragonfly says:

    There you go, blaming our kind again…typical. In all seriousness, I just read Fuel and it was quite the eye opener and parts were uncomfortable, but I appreciate the rawness of the delivery. It helps me understand how you exist and your behaviors. I also felt a pinch of empathy when you spoke of the creature that frightens you. HG, do you think you will eventually come face to face with it when you die? If you would so kindly answer, HG, if one of your kind is thrown in jail, when your resources of fuel is limited, is it enough and how do you survive?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Being in prison does limit fuel opportunities Dragonfly but there are

      1. Cellmates (pretty rare to have a cell to yourself unless you are in solitary)
      2. Other prisoners
      3. Prison officers
      4. Visitors
      5. Other prison staff

      There is full to gather still.

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