Sounding Off


Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.

1.      Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.

2.      Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”

3.      Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.

4.      Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.

5.      To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.

6.      Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.

7.      The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of your will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.

8.      Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.

9.      Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the angry. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.

10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.

11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.

Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind. 

     But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?

1.      Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

2.      This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.

3.      If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.

4.      You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.

5.      We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.

6.      You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.

The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.

19 thoughts on “Sounding Off

  1. I do not hate you. I understand.

  2. bananasareberries1 says:

    Well, I do not agree. I told mine what I had on my mind and cut him off immediately after. Fool NC, I just disappeared. If he hoovers, who cares? He is no one to me. I am not planning to give him any more fuel or attention. He is dead to me. I do not regret confronting that little pathetic man. I did what was good to me and that felt GOOD. He has absolutely zero control over me, he never had it and that was what he hated me for, which I learned later. Thanks HG, but this recommendation may be applicable for people who have less narcissistic traits than me, but it is a good general advise. All empaths, narcs and dynamics between them is a bit diffrent. I confronted my narc on all his lies and manipulations. It was my closure and I do not give sh*t about his hoovers, same as I do not care about a fly on my window. I am highly unpredictable and can be dangerous and he knows it. He is a coward and he will not dare to appear in front of me to take any fuel. He will find an easy target, somebody with low self esteem (his preference) and torture her. He knows I can embarrass him in public without blinking… I am certainly not his appliance, oh wait – I choose to be a blender- come closer and stick your hand in it, I am such a nice shiny appliance, I am completely harmless…Switch goes on, ouch!

  3. Mona says:

    Yes, you are right. Your kind is not worth any kind of emotion. Only cold, rational behaviour to get back some money. That`s all.

  4. HG, I don’t want to tell him off because I’m sure he would get a blast out of it and/or laugh to himself. However, I am exhausted with the conversations I’m having in my mind of what I’d say if I did confront him. I want that to stop so I can sleep! I just read your book Treasured and Tortured (hope that’s right title). I write about two men. There is one I’m divorced from for years who is just pathetic and living off a woman. At least with me he worked …. and another man I fell for that I’m staying away from because of lies and triangulations. My mind conversations are with him. I keep trying to pound into my brain that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of how I was treated. It’s only because of your information that I can move away at all from the second one. Thank you.

  5. Christina says:

    He has told me recently that he is involved with someone else. He supposedly is everything to her that he wasn’t with me. She is 13 years younger.

    I have tried to grasp how he can be everything to her that he wasn’t with me. He has wanted to remain in contact with me, yet, he still describes the things he did without much remorse. He still has chosen to deny and defend certain things all along telling me he is sorry, but that I have to take stock in myself for what I did…..even though after about three months of being with me he treated me like crap.

    I have tried to understand how he could treat me the way he did and not take responsibility or be humble.

    So I take it that you are also not humble? That you would never just let down your guard and admit what you had done to someone? Is it that you think you are above everything? Or is it because you make up your own story as to justify the way you treated those you were involved with?

    He has told me on certain occasions that I am an amazing woman, yet in that same breath he has not taken responsibility for what he did….not truly. He’s apologized, yet later changes the story and blames me for hurting him even though all I ever did was love him from the beginning. Ugh….I give up. I am done because I am ready to move on. I can’t stand the fact that his defenses have changed like the wind.

    I am curious…..why? What is this game that you feel is necessary to keep going? Why? Do you ever want to be close to anyone? Or is it more important for you to be right and win at all cost?

  6. abrokenwing says:

    I wish I knew that two months ago..

  7. Sunshine says:

    Good morning. I imagine that it is quite common for those your kind has discarded (particularly in the case of long-term relationships and marriage), for the empath to reach out to the parents-in-law. Be it to express their anger/frustration/sadness, or to ‘out’ you to them and / or out you in the hope they will give you a stern talking to and you will behave (either in the continuation of a relationship, or during a divorce / split).

    This isn’t a simple question as such, more a polite request for your insight, your thoughts, and most importantly, any advice you can gather.

    Perhaps there will be different outcomes depending on whether the parents-in-law are narcs themselves too?

    I do expect some smearing will have already taken place… But what if the empath repeatedly tries to tackle that head-on and ask what has been said and request openness and honesty?

    1. Sunshine says:

      (When I say ‘out’, I mean actions and behaviours the narc has undertaken, and not the armchair diagnosis of ‘narcissist’, which could so easily be dismissed, unless the empath is a psychiatrist or psychologist).

    2. HG Tudor says:

      The victim will often reach out to the parents of the narcissist. The problem arises because the parents will usually be part of the Coterie (see article of same name for likely reactions) and/or the victim will have been smeared (see the book Smeared) for the likelihood of it happening, when and the outcome.

      1. Broken says:

        So true! The MatriNarc herself! And then one year later try to nestle herself back in by a “miss you” email. On his behalf? Not sure yet but it might have been a Hoover by proxy or whatever it’s called! Can’t wait to talk! Almost finished with my studies here and have all my thoughts ready! Truly a lifesaver this place is! Sorry for some angry stupid posts .. I hope you simply erase some of them. Feel ashamed but so easy to rant when able to be behind a screen name. Need to make sure I’m not exposed so will ask to delete some .. if I only can find them! Cheers

  8. Ollie says:

    I broke 4 months of no contact on purpose to have the last say … and to ask for my money back…. lol…. either way, it was done without emotion and did indeed cause a thunder of hoovers in return, so I let him have the last word and after I barricaded myself on social media to start no contact again. I do feel better now though, because things are not left hanging, they are clear, he knows now i’m not wondering or waiting, it just gives me peace of mind… as much peace of mind as you can have when dealing with a N that is…

  9. U people are maddening

  10. Watermelon says:

    You explained it so well, that is exactly what I am finally starting to see.

    It’s all done for attention. The more emotion, begging, pleading, screaming, crying etc., we display, the greater the fuel. I can make her scream at me like that, I must be great/mean that much to her.

    I have sent those emails so many times, begging, pleading, yelling (as much as you can via email) and trying to reason. All it showed him was I was still emotionally attached, and it gave him the chance to abuse me further by responding and demeaning me.

    I feel so pathetic. I no longer do that, I don’t have the energy or the inclination to stroke that man’s ego.

    Then of course I get the drive by today, that man is psychic I swear.

  11. Star says:

    Hello HG. Wonderful article as usual.Was wondering if you had any tips for any of us ladies for spotting a potential N on online dating sites, or if one of your books cover that topic? Thank u:)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Star. See the book Red Flag and also the article about the Online Somatic Narcissist.

  12. Why if you keep all our comments in moderation forever, lapping up the negative fuel for yourself…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Except I don’t.

  13. k says:

    And what of us who do not sound off? What of us who silently slip/stay away without bad or good words?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You do not give fuel and you will be hoovered to stop you from slipping away or to bring you back.

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