Black Flags

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Recognise the abuse and understand why it happens to you





28 thoughts on “Black Flags

  1. Mona says:

    I just think of Alice Miller. She wrote fantastic books about the rights of children and how a worse childhood can damage people. She was such a great fighter for children. She herself was an emotionally abused child. I was totally surprised to read that she!!! abused her own son emotionally. She was not able to see it. At the end there was no contact between her and her son anymore. What a sad and disturbing story.

  2. Mona says:

    Thank you for your answer. I saw a little bit of that by an admin, but all the others said to her, that she was wrong and then she apologised and I believe it was only an overreaction. It never happened again.

  3. Mona says:

    I made different experience. But I will be more careful to send someone to these groups.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed Mona, not all are like that, but there are ones which are suspect and I have seen the mod/admin/host turn on people in a way which denotes one of our kind and certainly not one of yours.

  4. Mona says:

    E.B. Please, could you explain it a little bit more? Why are you being re-victimized in those groups?

    1. E. B. says:

      People who have been (or still are) victims of narcissists are usually re-victimized in online support groups if the administrator/moderator or any other ‘helper’ has a NPD. I do not belong to any of those groups.

      This blog is an exception because HG has already explained why he is writing here. He is open and honest and does not use in any kind of abuse or manipulation tactic with us.

      I cannot understand why you ask **why** people are being re-victimized by narcissists in those groups. No one deserves to be abused in any way for any reason.

      1. ava101 says:

        Are you sure? About the manipulation?

        1. E. B. says:

          Yes, ava101.

      2. Mona says:

        Sorry, E.B. that is a misunderstanding because of my bad Englisch. Of course no one deserves to be abused. I only made different experience. I do not want to write too much about it but in one group they make some kind of test before someone is allowed to be a member. And then all of the group have to decide, whether someone is allowed to take part. Sometimes it was a very hard decision (and it is a very hard test) , because no one wants to exclude someone who is in pain. Especially when it is a club full of empathic people who want to help and are in pain themselves. But we found out one person who probably wanted to make money and “exploit” the experience of victims for his/her own website, his/her own benefit and the facebook account showed a lot of narcissistic traits. We were lucky that we found out because some of the members had been warily. In this group they really support each other, there is no victimization at all. They help each other to decode what happened and still happens. There are people who have been abused in many ways and they did not tell about it even in therapy because they felt ashamed. Therefore they protect each other with strong boundaries. It is really a give and take. I know/ I am aware that this method/test can be critised but the people inside of that group are worth each kind of protection they need. They suffered enough in their life.

        1. E. B. says:

          Yes, Mona, I understand what you mean. There are support groups with empathetic people like the one you mentioned which are really helpful but we were talking about those ones with narcissists.
          I avoid closed/private/secret support forums where new members are not allowed to have a look at what sort of people are writing there, unless they introduce themselves and disclose some of their vulnerabilities. After a short Golden Period where the apparently charming helpful Admin and some of her (passive-aggressive) supporters gather as much information as possible from the new victim, the Devaluation Period begins. This is re-victimization. Using a pseudonym does not prevent people from feeling invalidated and shamed. Some members are banned but it is not possible to close or deactivate an account. This is deliberately done by the narcissistic Admin to show how popular she is.
          In my opinion, it is not possible to have a good experience in support groups led by narcissists who do not know what they are or cannot control their triggers. They have to deal with ‘Social Interactions’. Sooner or later narcissists will perceive something as a criticism and will want to retaliate and those members who want to avoid being attacked by them have to walk on eggshells.

  5. Mona says:

    HG, Did you take a look at online support groups?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Oh yes.

  6. nikitalondon says:

    HI EB

    Yes i have noticed how people disguise help with abuse and profiting. Also agree this is the best place to learn about the subject because its real life. Many of these blogs and even sentences could have beem taken from my life and the relationships I had.. specially the last one where if it would not be for the language I would have thought … its him writing..
    So yes here i learned the basics for chamging my life and ukderstanding what happened. EXCELLENT place to learn. Going somewhere else is a waste of time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Nikita.

    2. E. B. says:

      Hi Nikita,
      It is not only a waste of time to go elsewhere but it can be dangerous too depending on what sort of information we need. If I had followed some advice given from someone on YouTube considered to be an expert in narcissism, two aggressive Lessers who are harassing me would have already physically attacked me. Fortunately, I did not follow that advice. I had not heard about this blog at that time.

      I agree with you. No matter what language they speak or where they come from, narcissists seem to use almost the same expressions and very similar behaviour. It is as if they went to the same Narc School. 🙂

      As for people who take advantage of those who trust them, they also play the victim role and tell other people we were the abusers (“After all I have done for her… “, “I only wanted to help!”, putting on a puppy face). We have to watch out for ‘helpers’ and frenemies.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Good points EB. I am clear what I am. There are many of my kind (who do not know what they are) masquerading as helpers, supporters and therapists in online support groups. Many times have I seen my kind lash out at people in those places. They are unhelpful places and ought to be treated with considerable caution.

        1. E. B. says:

          In those places we are being re-victimized, HG.

      2. nikitalondon says:

        yes specially for helpers and who make it clear and public that they are helping.

  7. Debbie says:


    Useful for other relationships too.
    Man alive…what a good book. Disturbing and uncomfortable..but essential information.
    I must read the 50 things not to do with a narc too!

    1. nikitalondon says:

      This is a must have!!! to reconize toxic partners.
      on the other side is also for Switzerland and by the way also Austria 😜😜😜

      1. E. B. says:

        Hi Nikita! Thank you for the information.
        Yes, I totally agree with you and with Debbie that Black Flags is a must read and also Red Flags. I would also like to include Danger – 50 Things You Should Not Do.
        These three books are really ***very*** important and not only from the perspective of an intimate relationship but also for other kinds of relationships with narcissists too.

        1. nikitalondon says:

          yes EB totally right those other books also are a must and yes narcissists\ toxic people/ people who exploit and only take you find everywhere and they are super manipulators and its difficult not to fall in there so therefor its so important to catch the flags as they appear. I had such a case short time ago. A person who joined my life 5 years ago claiming she was helping me when all what she was doing was exploiting and stealing. As she had joineey life way before i discovered the books I had not thought about applying the HG TUDOR flag test nor watch out for manipulations.

          1. E. B. says:

            Nikita, I’m very sorry to hear your trust has been betrayed. Five years is a long time. Were you able to get back what was stolen from you?
            Some people have no shame. They pretend they want to help and disguise their real intentions. They know how to take advantage of other people, especially those with vulnerabilities. They also know how to mirror people and behave empathetically. I have read dozens of books about dysfunctional people and Cluster B disorders but ever since I found this blog and started reading HG’s articles and books, my knowledge about NPDs and how to detect them has increased considerably. There is no comparison.

          2. nikitalondon says:

            hey EB soon answering you. Yesterday öost my response before sending 😩😩

          3. E. B. says:

            It’s ok. Take your time, Nikita.

  8. Debbie says:

    This book is more than a must read.
    It is an essential read for life.

    Read this book now and do not put it off.

    Read this book if you are feeling really bad and confused and most likely you will find your answers are in it.

    Finally, I ‘implore’ you to read this book and Red Flag too…I cannot stress this point enough – you must read Black Flags before your next romantic involvment!

    Thank you to the author HG Tudor for the unbridled honesty.

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