Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?

 

why-wont

If you find yourself receiving the repeated attentions of somebody, there is a solid chance that this person is a narcissist and one of our kind. The attention that is being given to you may take a variety of different forms. It may manifest as complimenting you, offering to take you out for dinner, asking you for a date, sending you amorous texts, leaving gifts at your workplace, standing and watching you, driving past your house repeatedly, damaging your property, covering your car in battery acid, throwing pain at your windows, calling you names, repeatedly ringing your phone and not speaking and a thousand other different ways. To an outsider some of these behaviors may have the appearance of trying to seduce you and others are clearly designed to frighten and intimidate. Ultimately, both will be unwelcome and the individual who keeps persisting in this behavior is more often than not a narcissist. You may have worked this out and you are entirely clear as to what they are as they try to draw you back into the relationship or make your life a living hell. It is highly unlikely that you will know that the first time seducer is actually one of us, no matter how persistent that person is. You are far more likely to decide that the person is infatuated, obsessed, a stalker or a bit odd. Narcissist is not going to be the label you apply. Not when it happens for the first time.

Why then do we engage in such persistent behaviour? Why do we try and seduce and woo you into entering into a Formal Relationship, to draw you back in to one or just to make your life a misery?

  1. The First Seduction

It may seem pleasant at first to receive this attention even though you are not interested and with a smile you turn down the overtures of the office Romeo. He persists in keep asking you out. He is always polite and charming but you do not wish to say no. You may have a partner already, not be interested in dating or just find this person not to your liking. You keep rebuffing this person, sometimes more firmly than on other occasions but he will not take no for an answer. There should be a picture of this man or woman in the dictionary under ‘persistence’. They are never horrible, never nasty but you start to get that sensation of dread now whenever you see him or her coming down the corridor towards you, or walking down your garden path or their number appears on your ‘phone. You do not want to be unpleasant about it, because you can see they are, apparently, a pleasant person, but it is starting to become something that is unwelcome. Why will this person not get the message.

  1. Our sense of entitlement means that if we decide we want something, then we get it. It does not matter what anybody else says or wants, we are entitled to do what we want. We want to seduce you and make you our primary appliance. Accordingly, we will keep going until we achieve this or we decide against doing so. What you say to us or what a third party might do will not dissuade us.
  2. We do not recognise boundaries and therefore we can come and park our tanks on your lawn. We want you as an extension of ourselves and we do not regard there as being any boundary to prevent us from doing so.
  3. You have been identified by us as a potentially brilliant source of fuel. We undertake planning before we make our move and also rely on instinct in identifying those who serve out needs the most effectively. The extent of the planning will vary dependent on the type of narcissist, but one way or another you have been spotted as a supertanker of fuel and we want that fuel, thus you have to become our primary source. The prize is well worth expending the effort. Thus, if you cannot understand why we just keep going and going, you may wish to consider whether it is who you are that is attracting us to such a degree. You may think you are something of a catch and viewed by the ‘normals’ you are, but to us it is your status as a provider of fuel that has caught our eye. This behaviour appears mainly by Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists because they are able to last longer using secondary sources for their fuel supply whilst they continue the hunt with you.
  4. It may be that the way you are engaging with us, even though you are trying to tell us that you are not interested, is what continues to have us pressing you. If you smile when we appear with some flowers and you thank us for them but politely let us know you do not want a date, you are still giving us fuel. If you giggle with your friends when we perform some silly romantic gesture at the door of your workplace, then we receive fuel. Even if you show irritation or perhaps begin to shout that we should leave you alone, you are providing fuel. This both sustains us and encourages us.
  5. A further alternative is that we are obtaining fuel elsewhere, this is most likely to be from devaluing the current primary appliance and so long as this fuel is being provided then the pursuit will continue. We can keep chipping away at your resistance for a long time, since we are getting fueled elsewhere and this is sustaining our endeavours to secure you as the replacement primary source. If there is any kind of engagement on your behalf, even if fuel is not being provided, although it usually is, you are providing encouragement that a breakthrough may occur.

How then do you stop this narcissist from keep trying to seduce you? You need to give NoFuC. This stands for No Fuel Carrier. You must shut off the fuel, avoid any engagement and demonstrate that there will be no fuel provided. You will not smile, you will not say thanks but no thanks, you will not tell us to piss off or shout angrily for us to leave us alone. You will not accept the gifts, you will not acknowledge us, you will block all calls and insert gatekeepers where you can. By giving NoFuC, the narcissist who was gaining fuel from the interaction will break off and go elsewhere. If there is no means of contact, or very little, this combined with an absence of fuel will also dissuade us. If we are gaining fuel still elsewhere, if it is impossible or hard to contact you and there is no evidence of fuel being available, we are likely to test your resolve but ultimately with no potential for fuel, we will shift out focus somewhere else.

Ensuring you give NoFuC and doing so consistently is the key to dissuading the narcissist who is trying to seduce you for the first time. This is of course if you are fortunate enough not to be interested, since nearly all targets are interested and thus susceptible to being seduced and that you recognise what you are dealing with.

  1. Post Escape

In this instance you are more likely, albeit not guaranteed, to know that you are dealing with one of our kind. What is happening when we will not leave you alone when you have escaped us?

  1. You may be experiencing the Initial Grand Hoover. If the attempts to contact you and establish the Formal Relationship again are taking place soon after your escape, they are intense and repeated in nature and you feel like you are under siege, then this is the IGH. To deal with this you need to maintain no contact and sit the blitzkrieg out. Dependent on the type of narcissist you are dealing with and the availability of other fuel sources, the IGH can be sustained for a number of weeks. More usually it is a concentrated blast over a week or so and then if your resolve holds, there will be a respite as we withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere to recover from the diminution in our supply caused by your escape. You need to put your tin hat on and hunker down.
  2. If it is not the IFH but the behaviour towards you is pleasant and/or aimed at getting you to come back to us, you are experiencing a Benign Follow Up Hoover. The BFUH can happen repeatedly too. It is less intense but can appear on and off over years. Why is this happening?

Firstly, you must be activating the Hoover Trigger by entering one of the five spheres of influence. Are you responding to messages, are you contacting the narcissist about something, are you passing near where he lives or works, are you fraternizing with people who know him or her? You need to ascertain which sphere or spheres of influence you are entering and stay out of them.

If you do this and the BFUHs keep happening, then you are appearing in the sixth sphere which is our mind. Usually this is only sporadic because we will be occupied with other fuel sources, but it can be the case that if you were/are a particularly good fuel source once you appear in the sixth sphere you become lodged there and the trigger keeps getting activated.

That alone of course is not enough to bring about the hoover. The Hoover Execution Criteria has to be met as well. It is obviously being met if you keep experiencing these BFUHs and what usually causes the criteria to be met is that some fuel is being provided which encourages us to keep pressing for more.

You need to ascertain how this fuel is being caused. There are three potential reasons

Proximate Fuel – you are having some interaction with us which allows us to draw fuel from you. This might be when you are passing where we work, when there is a handover of children or such like. This will then allow the criteria to be easily met and thus you can expect BFUHs to occur. Turn off the provision of proximate fuel. Avoid us or where that is not possible, ensure no or very little fuel is provided when there is proximate interaction.

Thought Fuel – we may be encouraged by the Thought Fuel that we obtain from perceiving how you are reacting to our interactions. If we believe, based on previous experience, you will smile when you get the flowers or you will think back to when we were together when we drop a CD of a certain song through your letterbox, this will encourage us. Thought Fuel has a limited shelf life and if it is this which is giving us the encouragement, by sitting it out, its effect will dissipate and the criteria will no longer be met.

Proxy Fuel – you have a traitor in your camp. It may be someone well-intentioned or someone deliberately spying on you, but this individual is feeding to us your reactions to what we are doing. We do not see your emotional reaction, we do not purely envisage it, but someone is telling us that you keep talking about us, you get upset when our name is mentioned and so forth. This encourages us and allows the criteria to be met. You need to work out who this is and prevent them from relaying this information to us, either through asking them to stop or more usually by not giving them the information in the first place.

If you halt the trigger and even if you have a narcissist who is stuck in the sixth sphere, if you prevent the provision of the above types of fuel, this will be more likely to prevent the criteria being met. No trigger or a trigger and no criteria being met means no more hoovers and you will be left alone.

  1. The Malign Follow-Up Hoover

There is no desire to resurrect the Formal Relationship. We do not want positive fuel from you in any event. We want to hurt you, make you cry, make you angry, make you scared. Whatever it is, we want your negative response as this will allow us to draw negative fuel from you and also punish you.

Again, prevent the triggers by staying out the sphere of influence. The Malign FUH causes a real problem because the narcissist may remain stuck in the sixth sphere through malice and if he is gaining fuel from a new primary source, there is a greater risk of the narcissist having sufficient fuel to keep trying with you. Thus with the malign FUH the threshold for the hoover execution criteria is often lower. This is why when you have somebody who is doling out malign FUHs against you, it can appear overwhelming, incessant and frenzied. The thought fuel is also stronger with this type of FUH.

Avoid the triggers. If you are and they are still happening, it is clear the sixth sphere is being activated. Make yourself hard to contact, avoid providing fuel as described above and eventually the need for fuel and the lack of it from you, will cause you to be left alone, but you should be aware that the propensity to be stuck in the sixth sphere, the availability of other fuel and the lowered criteria threshold can result in a very rough ride for some people, not all, but some.

  1. Post discard

There will be no IGH when this happens because we chose to discard you. You will face Benign FUHs and/or Malign FUHs dependent on the type of narcissist and the prevailing situation. The same considerations apply as described above.

Ultimately, we will not leave you alone because of the prospect of fuel and the taste of fuel that is being provided in the meanwhile. This is what drives us to keep harassing, contacting and pestering you, but as ever, there are steps you can take. Understand why it is happening and then you can establish what action needs to be taken. It may be maintaining your defences, preserving no contact and sitting out the storm or it may also require proactive steps on your part.

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29 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?”

  1. Is it possible a narc will discard an appliance giving positive fuel and pursue an appliance known to give negative fuel if the potency is greater?

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      1. Want your cake and ice cream now don’t you
        Ah hell why not it’s pamper yourself day, lord knows I am

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  2. Imagine you are caught in an emotional trap of your own unknowingness. This site represents the crack. Enough of your people have gotten through the crack and are now showing you the way. You have a choice. Continue the suffering or release yourself.

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  3. I had 3 hoovers last week but no contact in over 2 months. But, he now regularly stalks the man I’m dating. Sitting outside of his home, drive-bys in front of his business several times a day. Has made unbelievable efforts to befriend my boyfriends friends. What’s up with this??

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    1. You are being triangulated for the purposes of gaining fuel and he is seeking to derail the relationship by striking at someone who is unlikely to know what he is dealing with. See the article Derailed.

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  4. What i dont understand …i will write him, he writes me back…but he will never start the conversation…like im not worth the time. But when we do finally talk, its as if nothing happend…like no time past by, like my marriage doesn’t matter, he did some pretty f###### up things. I kept running back thinking he would change. …i think he tried to devalue me. Saying how his new gf is a nurse, shes more educated than i am , she understands his monsters ect. The ironey is i have vision issues ( we dated when we were younger) and asked him bluntly about mocking me. He said, my dear i was not the only one who did this. Then he said my husband did it as well. I asked many questions. Mind you btw i was in the healthcare field, have had many diffrent jobs…just could never hold them down. I have bipolar type 1 mixed episodes as well as anxiety…

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  5. I’ve been experienced the IGH last week, in the form of 40 emails. After two months of no contact and no reaction to multiple hoovers, including a proxy one from his mother (voicemail). So your info checks out incredibly precisely. I did provide the trigger by entering the third sphere of influence, and then sat it out, totally controlling the situ. Now hes not responding to my control at all. What is going to happen next?

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      1. I’m sorry for incoherence, I’ve had a migraine again.
        It’s a bit complicated to explain, I’d have to go into details. What I mean is that I was just reading about the IGH, while it occurred to me that this is what took place last week, the forty messages from him during the span of one day, the majority within the first hour had to have been the Post Escape Initial Grand Hoover. Which I sat out followed up with cold, no emotion, factual, concise messages.
        Details are not important here, what matters is that I won this one. He’s angry and said goodbye today. He said he will keep me in his mind. Which means he’s putting me on a mental shelf, or a mental roller deck.

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    1. Mine, too, ages ago. He remains greatest mistake I have made in a long time. I am astounded at how hurt I continue to feel. And how much he preoccupies my thoughts all the time. Very disturbing to me. He blocked me everywhere after our last round of fights. In my heads fine. I always did try to drive him away so I could never contact him. Looks like I succeeded at last. Still the strangest, most twilight experience in ages.

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  6. Yesterday I went to court and had to interact three separate times, albeit I kept the majority of my interactions toward the court officers and when I did speak to him I was cool and calm. He tried to misrepresent me a couple times but I politely set him straight, they didn’t seem to fall for his lite show either 🙌🏾. So now after 4 months he wants to “do whatever I need him to do” for the baby. Opens the door for me and walked to my car (he parked squarely behind me btw) and sent me his work schedule vowing to be there whenever I need him to be for her. My thing is HG, as much as I would LOVE to be able to have time to work out and go to school and the like I honestly don’t feel up to doing this again. The whole interacting. Months ago I really wanted to be in his presence and share in the raising of her and most importantly have her bond with him. I thanked him for the info and told him I’d keep him posted as I was not ready to jump into that. My logical head feels as if I keep things as military as possible it could work but I don’t feel as if I’m ALL the way ready even for that and I’m really not interest in revisiting crazy town, seriously. It seemed as “genuine” as he’s able to be but I’ve seen that many times before. Should I just maintain my distance? I think I am.

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  7. HG, you say that there will be no IGH if they have chosen to discard. Is this because the narc will never want to re-start the formal relationship because they once chose to discard? Mine was a mid range narc and I do not believe he will ever try to hoover (he did discard) because of his fear of rejection i.e. an injury.

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    1. There is no IGH because we dis-engaged with you so there is no need to perform the IGH. The IGH is used as an instinctive (almost panicked response with some of our kind) to the sudden escape of the IPPS. This sudden cessation of such an important fuel provider is of considerable concern and therefore the IGH occurs as a response to this. You can read more about this in No Contact and Black Hole.

      I understand why you form the view that you have, but there always remains a risk for the reasons I have outlined many, many times.

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      1. Yes you may outline it all many many times HG but it is hard for me to wrap my mind around all of this. Why do i struggle with all of this? I read it…i see all of it in him…why in the hell am i struggling so hard to accept that i am married to this??? I hate to say this HG please dont take offense to this..but i am struggling with evil…the devil..what i was taught the devil was growing up and wtf..i married him. I have to get away for my sanity…my health…my girls…how do i find the strength within myself to go no contact? Help!!

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  8. HG,

    When No1 occurs. How can you reject without becoming a focus to draw negative fuel from.

    This is someone I’m unable to avoid.

    Is it best to just be bland but also positive towards them. I don’t want to be involved at all but have to. Anything she can do to me directly does not bother me, how can I avoid any smear ?

    This is possibly one of the most malign (female Malcolm’s) to try so far and she has good reason to.

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  9. Iv had no contact since the begining of Feb.
    Didn’t entertain anything, he flicked through stages, been malicious when he didn’t get reaction then going bk to been a love sick puppy when that nonsense didn’t get a reaction.
    I got a non molestation order begining of Feb, he continues to breach, trying to call then third party. I still haven’t entertained anything, he is contesting the non mol.
    Going bk to court in may.

    Why is he still continuing to try get me back when I’m giving nothing in return. Normal third parties have given up with him so he tried a new third party but I didn’t even acknowledge anything about him or the relationship.

    Why is he still trying? I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?

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    1. You need to read and acquire the skill set to understand the manipulations used against you so you can evade them and build your no contact effectively. My books give you what you need and if you require specific assistance beyond that then consultations will assist.

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  10. At the end of the line. He doesn’t hoover. He has left me alone a long time ago, only does my head continue to replay the lies that keeps the story alive and kept contact going. He is definitely manipulative and uses people, but he breaks many of the known patterns of hoovers and pursuit. There really is an end to this with some narcs. I wonder if this is the case with narcs who might be co-morbid with other traits that allow them to in fact leave us alone, totally discarf and forget about us forever.

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  11. Emotion detective
    How can you not take this opportunity to gaslight him? Tell him you are sorry but you do not know who he is. When he persists, tell him its obvious from his previous text that he has suffered trauma to his head and is confusing you with someone else. Someone who gives a shit. I would drag it out much longer than that and reflect back everything he says (logically and without emotion) to the fact that his thinking is now impaired by the injury and his conversations irrelevant. But then I like to f**k with them and Im not emotionally involved. Thats my jam- but its not for everyone.

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