Why Is He Always In My Head?


“He is always in my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

55 thoughts on “Why Is He Always In My Head?

  1. numb says:

    How do we stop these toxic thoughts?

  2. “Nothing Gold Can Stay”

    Nature’s first green is gold,
    Her hardest hue to hold.
    Her early leaf’s a flower;
    But only so an hour.
    Then leaf subsides to leaf.
    So Eden sank to grief,
    So dawn goes down to day,
    Nothing gold can stay.

    Robert Frost

  3. Khaleesi says:

    Brilliant, as always, HG. Your posts always seem to be exactly what I need to read at the exact moment your post them.

    I would also like to say, to anyone considering having a consult with HG, do it! It’s the best money I’ve ever spent. Speaking with HG about my personal experiences has been so helpful. I’m getting my life back and I owe it to speaking with HG, reading all of his books, and this blog.

    I don’t post comments often but I read them all. Thank you to all of you who post regularly as well. Your comments and life stories are so beneficial.

    I’m not crazy or stupid. It was all a lie.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Khaleesi.

    2. Gabrielle says:

      For a few weeks I have been continuing to consider an email consult with HG. I am still trying to figure out which questions to ask as I have many. I will most likely book something soon. Just when I think I have a question I see an article posted that pretty much answers it. I love your name by the way. My best friend’s daughter is named Khaleesi. 🙂

      1. Khaleesi says:


        Thanks! That’s awesome about your friend’s daughter. 🙂

        I was in the same position trying to figure out which questions to ask. Getting the consult really helped me figure things out. I can’t express how much HG has helped me. He gives it to you straight, just like he does on here and his books. The best part was really being able to make sense of what my narc meant when he said certain things and why he does what he does. I can tell HG things that I don’t feel comfortable telling even my closest friends. HG is always spot on and he is so easy to talk to. I continue to reach out to him for consults and email questions as I’m currently dealing with a IGH. Some days are tougher than others and it’s such a relief knowing that HG is there for support.

        I wish you all the best!

      2. Victoria says:

        Don’t bother with the email consult go straight to the pvt consultation with H.G. Write down the most important questions and then set up the private consultation; believe me I have had 2 and they are so worth it. His one on one is worth every penny and then some! Pus you get to hear his wonderful British English with the most wonderful deep voice you will hear. If you haven’t done so already you should listen to his 2 radio interviews on youtube, you will then know that a pvt consult is the way.
        I hope this helps. Furthermore his books are beyond the blog-read as many as you can. I read 10 before speaking with him-it will give you more basic knowledge prior to speaking with H.G. I would start with “Fuel” -one of my favorites then proceed to confessions of the Narcissist-all 3 series.

  4. Gabrielle says:

    This may be slightly off the current topic but due to the fact I am a newbie here, can anyone make navigating this site a bit easier for me by letting me know if there are any past articles regarding Narcs and long distance relationships? Also the married Narc as well? I found one article about that one. Thank you in advance!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is nothing on long distance relationships and narcissists, though there is something in the pipeline on that.
      There are a few appertaining to marriage.

      1. ballerina9 says:

        Hi H.G,
        I’m echoing Gabrielle’s sentiment on “long distance relationship with a Narc” articles (plural ☺).
        Impatiently waiting for these. Especially with a Greater.
        Thank you.

  5. Victoria says:

    Everything stated in your article holds true for me-it is scary because everyday I say to myself when will these visions be gone? Despite reading so many of your books and NO CONTACT in place I can’t stop the visions from coming up when I am alone. H.G. could you recommend anything that might speed up the process? My fear is that these memories/visions will always haunt me and I will never be free.
    It’s not enough to have suffered through the devaluation, mind games and discard which made me feel like a fool for being so blind to what was really happening behind my back but now I have to wake up and there he is in my head. Please tell me this goes away in time that this nightmare will one day end. The only thing that helps is reading your books, finally knowing the truth of what really took place, and speaking with you-which has been much more effective than therapy.
    I do thank you for the knowledge you are giving me through your daily articles and books. If there is anything you can recommend to get this man out of my head I am all ears.
    Thanks again for another smashing article!

  6. Stephanie Farlow says:

    I am particularly susceptible to music where it pertains to him on an entirely different level. I can explain it scientifically but it only helps me superficially. As a child, My Narc mommy would carry me upstairs to my maternal grandmothers third floor front bedroom where my father and his friends would be rehearsing with their band. I would sit on the floor , Indian style and crossed legged, and watch transfixed. My father took me to see The Concert for Bangladesh at 5 years old and so on. To say I am a music lover is an understatement.
    My Narc, as my father before him is a musician and a working class hero. My dad was a computer programmer and had his own company at one time which ( is more than my Narc achieved ) was great but alcoholism got the better of him just like my Narc also an alcoholic or so I thought until I realized it was a symptom so…Add a little NPD and…..Loads of creativity and brilliance but the bills must be paid. My dad was not one of your kind but it is how I am programmed. He used this to his benefit into ensuring I was not going anywhere. One day I happened to notice that whenever he played music for me and I was his only fan ….I would often find myself in the very same position on the floor and sitting cross legged. It was our thing. It was also the hardest thing to get over. That and sex. Combine the two and that is one killer cocktail of ensnarement.

  7. abrokenwing says:

    Oh , I needed to read this. I’m beating myself up for not being able to forget even after what he did and knowing what I know now… but as You explained so rationally here why that is I feel much better about it now. Thank you.

  8. ANK says:

    The most appropriate post always seem to pop up at the right time

    The thoughts of him, about him, the why’s and the wherefores are constantly going round in my head. It’s exhausting. I want to get off this merry-go-round.

  9. I would offer a number of other reasons of why this is.
    First, it is not you who is in our mind, but a mirror reflection of ourselves. We are ourselves in every moment, we know who we are, but being reflected in a narcissist offers us a unique, different perspective. We see our flaws in a minutiae detail, we see our strengths, we see the entire picture.
    This is why this image is so mesmerizing, because it reflects our inner beauty.
    At the end of this experience, we find ourselves, we find out who we really are and we become stronger, and more beautiful by trying to correct the flaws that we saw in you, our mirror. This experience is a life changing one, not because of your illusory magnificence, which btw is our magnificence reflected off of you, because in truth nothing belongs to you, nothing resides in you. Everything that is seemingly you, is borrowed, stolen, reflected off your environment. Including your grandiosity, which in essence is the grandiosity of the universe that you reflect.

    There is another reason why ‘you’ are on our minds. For all who experience an encounter with a ‘narcissist’ it becomes a subconscious travel in the objective reality. It is an experience of the reality that most of us are afraid to look at straight in its face. We are embedded in human made, subjective reality, loaded with soothing pain killers, such as religion, god, heaven, mythology, etc.
    You question all that. You put all that to the test. You take that corner of the envelope and reveal a different, true reality. And looking at it causes most of us anxiety, severe complex PTSD, it makes us question the reality we are used to being in.
    The ‘evil’ is closer, too close to ignore. It’s not a distant Ted Bundy or Hitler, or ISIS, it’s your mother and my sister. It doesn’t make sense that evil resides so close.. so we are forced to question the definition of evil. Something is not right, something is not as we were told.
    And reluctantly you arrive at the conclusion that evil doesn’t exist. Because its in my family, it’s everywhere, in all these countless victims posting their stories online, and we thought evil was only in hell, somewhere far away from here.
    To some of us who are more courageous this experience shatters preconceived notions, shatters our perceptions, beliefs, and reveals the true reality. It is a beginning to the true ‘you’, the one embedded in true reality.

    1. Gabrielle says:

      Emotion Detective I cannot “like” your comment since I do not have a WordPress account so I wanted to just reply here to say a million likes!!! Brilliant analysis. Brilliant!

      1. Shelly says:

        Spot ON…..
        I wish I could write….perfect!!!!

      2. I’m surprised it’s out of the moderation queue so soon, usually takes even a few days.. 😉

    2. Star says:

      Emotion detective.Thank u so much for that contribution( I also do not have a word press account) your perspective is so on the mark:)

    3. Victoria says:

      Emotion Detective,
      Well written and although I agree with some aspects of your reply, I don’t agree with all of it. Yes, H.G. has written in almost all of his books how the Narc. mirrors our expressions, our likes, dislikes, etc. However one universal truth about us empaths is we don’t go out of our way to hurt people, least of all those we love. On the contrary, we go out of our way to avoid conflict, drama, manipulation and purposeful hurt. We do not use the private intimate secrets of our partners and turn it against them to hurt them and rejoice at their reaction to that pain! Do we defend ourselves, yes, but afterwards we feel awful- apologize for something we did not create and take the blame for our reaction to their manipulation of our feelings. That aspect of the Narcissist is not a mirror of us that is uniquely theirs. The introspective that I have gained in myself and am still struggling with is why did I not leave after the 1st devaluation or 1st discard. This is the area of myself that I need to fortify so it never happens again.
      Thanks for sharing-well said!

      1. Well, sometimes we do, Victoria. Sometimes we do evil things too.
        What stops us is our ability to feel empathy, while the narcissists stops at nothing, or nothing stops him. But you are right, the ‘evil’ that drives his actions is not our evil that he reflects, it originates from his inside.

        Let me illustrate the concept.
        Imagine a dark shiny surface, sort of like a black hole. This is the narcissist. Now imagine a bright shining star. This is you. You happen to come within the black hole orbit, and you suddenly see your bright reflection, as you are passing through, another star. You think it is another star, like you, you just don’t know it is your reflection, yet. When that takes place, the shiny black hole thinks it is the sun/star, and it is basking in your reflection.
        HG calls it the Golden Period, when everything is shining, glowing, bright, and happy. You think you met your perfect match, and he feels alive, the narcisssist is filled with your shining star fuel.
        But then something happens and you lose your brightness, or dim it a bit,, because you are a human being after all, not a constantly shining ball of hydrogen, helium, and oxygen as it darts through the galactical space. Even stars lose their glow due to attrition, it just takes longer.
        You see your dimmed reflection, and you feel a bit depressed. And you feel like the shiny black surface devalues you, but it is only your impression. And when another bright shining star comes along, the black hole is happy to switch to it to feel the hot bright fuel once more, and discards your ever dimming light out of its orbit.
        When you regain your brightness, the black hole hoovers you back into its orbit to feed off of your bright fuel. And the cycle forever continues.

        The reason the narcissist is as it seems constantly in our minds is because we like looking at our reflection. The narcissist needs our glowing warmth to feel alive, and when we lose that light, which we inevitably always do, he feels like a black hole, he feels the cold darkness..

        In the physical sense, the narcissist has literally a blank space where we store our higher spectrum emotions. By mirroring our emotions, when they occur in his presence, he is able to somehow access them, and that makes him alive, and full of fuel.

    4. Kindhearted says:

      Emotion detective, what an awesome response!! Loved reading it. Had to read it several times just because it made so much sense to me. Thank you!!!

      1. Victoria says:

        Emotion Detective,
        Great explanation to my reply. thank you!

  10. Holy Reality says:

    When you face the reality it was ALL A LIE! Those memories do pop up …however, when you put the proper perspective that it was a con job for fuel and NOTHING more. And moreover, you (we) were chosen for our excellence and whatever could inflated or be used for the dog and pony show that’s a never ending facade portraying to the world how wonderful you the narcissist is. Or the self inflated version of existence that is never met with a genuine goodness or compassion, empathy etc. That’s a memory that quickly fades. Go make new memories with healthy individuals! Thank you HG for the tools in achieving this freedom!

    1. Shelly says:

      I no his LOVE was a lie..I still had great sex and lots of fun. How was that a lie..
      Its my reality???
      We would have 3 great weeks. Then two day .
      The date sights…he never acted on..I get it know just seeing 75 people liked him..was enough.
      The rage…out of no wear??

      1. Holy Reality says:

        Shelly …no doubt it was exhilarating bliss, until the reality surfaced. We all, having been in the illusionary dream world that felt more wonderful than anything we’ve experienced before question this with the “whys and what ifs”. That’s the skilled master at work controlling our emotions. We’re not crazy or weak …just the perfect prey for the narcissist agenda. As HG unequivocally says time after time. It’s ALL about fuel! Let GO!

    2. ANK says:

      Holy Reality,

      I am going to take on board what you said to help me remove him from my mind. It is all a lie, what he has with the new source is a lie. The Narc is a snake and always will be a snake.

  11. amsodone says:

    Yikes. Another great meme, I’ve felt my brains’ picked. I’m working on re-wiring and re-writing nonsense.

  12. I’m under their influence. Don’t trust any word they say. Sounds good without making sense. Encoding is definitely the way. They make you love the pain.

    1. ANK says:

      I am still learning to remember that all the words are a lie. I take it at face value at the time and then have to remind myself to revisit what was said, how he said it. And tell myself that I must not trust his words.

  13. miranda gatto says:

    🙁 fuck em, a?

    1. amsodone says:

      yah, eh

  14. Gabrielle says:

    “Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.”

    Yep. Word for word. On point as usual. The one who has affected me, he is always on my mind no matter what I do. Pushing him out is a daily battle and is one of the most challenging things I have ever had to deal with. I can even pinpoint the exact day and time, when way early on his voice dropped 2 octaves on the phone while he was giving me the usual compliments. I will never ever be able to forget it. And yet I also recall speaking to him on the phone post discard and hearing the contrasting sound of indifference and coldness in that voice still haunts. “Engrained into memory” — again, so accurate. Your writing and descriptions involving all of this are so eerily, creepily accurate, 100% spot on. Harsh reality yes, yet spot on.

    1. Shelly says:

      I still don’t know what to think…it been my fucking life for almost 20 yes on and off..it ALL makes since now…
      Yet it doesn’t ..does that make. Since
      This is suck a mind fuck

      1. Stephanie Farlow says:

        Same here. 20 years on and off.

    2. amsodone says:

      Nice reflection Gabrielle. I liked your references to taste and scent. Additionally, we remember where we were and what we were doing when life changing events happened (ex. 9-11), we got bad news about a family member or someone we care/cared about.
      Conversely, good memories (what we perceive as ‘good’ at the time) remain good, despite that we were tricked, are coded. These remain life changing events as well.
      From your comment “pushing him out is a daily battle” juxtaposed to pushed him out points to your still dealing with your narc on a daily basis. I wish you strength, and be well.

      1. Gabrielle says:

        Thank you. I was actually quoting H.G. in the first paragraph though in terms of the “scent” and agreeing with everything he said being so accurate. In terms of my situation, he is on my mind too much but I am not interacting with him on a daily basis. More like every few weeks. Ugh. He is long distance and I do not see him in day to day life. A blessing in disguise I guess. I guess I am having a hard time letting go as pathetic as it sounds. I know it’s all fake and an illusion, hence my daily battle at pushing him out of my mind. The thing is I am always the one to cave and reach out first. I made it almost 5 weeks with no contact and then I caved. Similar to a drug addict in recovery who slips I guess. I caved and I called him. And his voice was so cold and indifferent. Everytime I get those warm tingling fuzzy nostalgic feelings I remind myself of that indifferent voice.

        1. ANK says:

          I’m like you – I end up reaching out when I haven’t heard from him.
          I can’t help myself. I even went to his office Wednesday morning but I heard him on the phone to the new source. Hearing that as well as the silent treatment since last Friday has sent me downwards.

          I’m kicking myself -it’s like self torture.

        2. amsodone says:

          Gabrielle, LDR’s are challenging, especially if one is narc and not really all in. Hence, they do what they only know to do. I understand is a daily battle, each morning and each night remind yourself you must move forward, not backward and replay that “indifferent voice”. Blog here… many will respond ‘DO NOT FEED (fuel) THE NARCS’ and there is no real future with them.

      2. Gabrielle says:

        Yup. I am the same. It used to be 2-3 weeks and then it went 5 weeks. But always me making the first move. I kept hoping he would reach out (aka: hoover, I am still getting with the terminology here), hahaha. Yeah pretty pathetic I welcomed this “hoover”. I am still in love with the “illusion” sadly. I am in an LDR situation….(I will soon reply to another comment from Amsodone to elaborate a bit more on that)…but just when I think it all makes sense he will go and say or do something to make me dizzy and my head to hurt. For example when I accused him of “using” me he spun it around by saying “Why would I use you? I would not have dealt with your anxiety and insanity over the last year if I did not truly care about you”. He removed the word “love” from his vocab and now frequently tells me that he “cares” about me. I guess he loves the new person now. And of course his wife as well in addition to whatever he has that he has replaced me with. I have no proof but I am still certain.

        1. ANK says:

          It will take time Gabrielle, to wean yourself off him.

          They play mind games, turning things back on you, to make you out to be the one that is difficult. Just remember to think about what he says and how he says it. The more you realise that every word is twisted, the more you will see what he is.

          It may feel like he loves this other person. That’s how I use to feel about his new woman, but then I tell myself if he truly loved her he would not still want to sleep with me.

          He does not love the new person Gabrielle. He does not love his wife either. All pawns on his chessboard.

          1. Gabrielle says:

            I get what you are saying but good grief it is all such a mind f**k. I struggle with jealousy. Can you imagine? Jealousy! Over his wife. I constantly compare myself to her. Wishing I was her. I know it is sick but dammit it is so hard not to. And due to my LDR situation, I do not even know her. (aside from social media stalking of course). Jealous of someone I do not even know. Pathetic. Because in my mind he is hers and not mine. That was what ran through my head for the longest time. The prior girl before me. He tells me he was with her for 2 years and he almost left his wife for her until he realized she was “crazy” and the error of his thinking. He was “under her spell” and and he can never let that happen again.

            Now I know they twist things around. I assume changing their stories is par for the course as well? In the beginning when he smeared the ex-mistress his “story” (which was re-affirmed by a mutual friend when I inquired behind his back) was that he was seen canoodling out in public with her and someone (he still does not know who) took pictures and video and blackmailed him into telling his wife the truth HIMSELF or the blackmailer would tell the wife. So he tells me that he came clean with his wife, who was (understandably) devastated. He agreed to never associate with the ex-mistress ever again and he pledged his undying love, devotion and fidelity to the wife. However he also told me that he had other partners before her (those were the meaningless flings) and those his wife never learned about.

            Fast forward to now and I frequently hear “oh it is my hope we can have a healthy appropriate friendship, the same way (ex-mistress) and I have”. Hmmm. Interesting. Is this a nice way of saying “I shall hoover you when and if I want?” Yet the ORIGINAL story/excuse for his behavior was that of “….and we never spoke again as I pledged faithfulness to my wife…which is why we cannot continue our relationship”. So which is it? You still speak to her or you don’t speak to her? Why the changing story? Am I to assume there was someone new in the wood work already in addition to the wife? My head hurts hearing too many stories and not knowing what to believe. I figured Narcs would be excellent at keeping track of all the stories they spin. Basically every word is a lie right? It is all part of their game to essentially “mind f**k” me right?

            And yet I continue to be jealous of his wife. And I continue to wonder if I am still dealing with a Narc or just an idiotic adulterer/sex addict. Or an amalgam of both? I mean Narcs are all adulterers/cheaters and (usually) sexual monsters. He often goes on and on and on about how he feels “SO MUCH GUILT” for all he has done. From what I have read aren’t Narcs supposed to not feel remorse? Why would they waste their precious time PRETENDING to feel it and telling me such? Am I missing something here? Or again is it just all part of the “mind f**k”? Jesus Christ, my head hurts.

          2. ANK says:

            It is a mind f&*k Gabrielle.

            They mess with your mind on purpose so that you don’t know whether you’re coming or going and start to question yourself and make you think that you are the one that there is something wrong with.

            I totally understand the jealousy, although I was never jealous of his wife. I knew the situation from the start and I guess the only time I felt a pang of jealousy at the start was when he received a text from his wife. I thought it might not be his wife, but I kind of dismissed it.

            I am more jealous of the new woman, wondering what is so much better about her than me, kn owing that he is meeting her for coffees and lunches every week. That’s how he use to be with me. All that has so easily been transferred to her, just like that, without a thought for me

            Most of the time I try to put it out of my mind, but then I imagine them together. That’s why it was a kick in the guts when I heard him on the phone to her last Wednesday. And on the phone previous times – the two previous times he just told her on the phone that a work colleague had come to see him so he would catch her later and proceeded to chat to me like nothing was going on. Of course he knew I knew who he was talking to but it did not bother him one bit. Makes me feel like shit. He could not careless, as long as he is getting what he wants.

            Yes changing stories is par for the course, but they are very clever about it. He is most likely expecting you to oblige him whenever he feels like it because he knows he has you ensnared. As to whether there was someone new – they are always looking for someone new. I believe the clever narcs are good at compartmentalizing and hence able to have more than one supply on the go without them having any inkling that there is someone other than them that he is screwing. But yes basically pretty much everything is a lie, a fabricated story to garner your attention and sympathy if so desirable to his motives.

            Like you I sometimes feel may be I am doing him an injustice and that may be his it not a narc but someone addicted to the thrill of the chase and sex in situations that are complicated (he was married when he went after me, has left his wife now, but chased a married woman who is still with her husband), although a serial is bad as well.

            As for him saying he feels guilt, I wouldn’t believe him. If he truly did he would have changed his behaviour. He is just telling you what you want to hear, to make himself appear less bad in your eyes.

            The pretending is part of their make-up. I asked HG a similar question why would they bother to lie about innocuous things. HG said it was to manipulate and to gain fuel, to maintain superiority even though from our point they may appear pointless and ridiculous lies.

          3. Gabrielle says:

            Thank you for sharing your perspective, ANK. Honestly I cannot determine why I am so jealous of the wife and not the new person. I think that this is most likely due to the continued LDR aspect. If he has someone new he is not rubbing it in my face either obviously or subtly. I read the article on here about “Social Media Mind Games” and none of that applied to him. He has not blocked me but he has also not been very active on social media. During our relationship he barely interacted with me on social media (I guess due to the fact I was a secret). Then again he has over 2k friends on Facebook and Instagram.

            While he was with me he was constantly going on about his wife, how what we were doing was wrong, how we needed to stop and so on. I almost yelled “WELL THEN ASSHOLE WHY DID YOU COME ON SO STRONG TO ME AND PURSUE ME RELENTLESSLY?” but I kept my mouth shut. One of our mutual friends (how we got to know each other before the pursuit began) told me “oh he is a flirt, that is just his personality. He tried that with me and I shut it down and he politely retreated”. After letting everything I have read here absorb in I am going to go out on a limb here and just assume that this information was fed to me on purpose. Oh he’s just flirty and harmless, it’s okay. I’ve seen flirty and believe me he is WAY BEYOND THAT.

            If he is telling me what I want to hear to make himself appear less bad to me then I guess it is normal behavior for him to also do the opposite? He frequently puts himself down saying shit like “I cannot be this important to you”. He even called himself a “scumbag” a few times and when I replied with “you are not a scumbag” he then said “I am a recovering scumbag and I have been for way too long”.
            Is that supposed to be like an “honest thief”….oh here I stole this loaf of bread but I am going to give it back….am I making sense?

            So basically what you are saying is, is that they feign like they are bad people when in reality they do not give a shit now they are and they do it all for attention (aka: fuel)?

            Uh oh. I think I am giving myself a headache again, ANK.
            LOL, thank you again for your perspective though!

          4. ANK says:


            I am assuming you have seen what the wife looks like? If that’s the case may be that is why you are jealous of her because she is ‘real’ whereas you have not seen the knew person if he has one. If he does have someone new, he probably wants to keep it a secret from his wife as well as you. He may not have blocked you on social media because he is not posting anything that would indicate a new source and also to keep you on side.

            Narchole does not have social media. He blocks me on his mobile from time to time. Most likely when he is with his new source. He pursued me for a year before I slept with him. He started seeing the new source last April, told me in May that he was going to leave his wife. I found out about the new source in October. Obviously she does not know about me, or that he was cheating on his wife for two years.
            He is secretive, never really talked to me about his wife and I didn’t pry.

            I guess I am jealous of her because I know who she is, what she looks like, have heard he on the phone talking to him.

            Your Narc going on about his wife was probably a test for you. Funny you should mention that he tried it on with your friend. My friend who I confided in after I found out about the new source told me Narchole had approached her, asking how things were with her husband. Obviously casting his line to see if there was anything worth pursuing there and whether my friend could be hooked and reeled in.

            When I found out about the new source he said to me ‘You can call me a shit, shout at me if you want to’. A way of gaining emotional fuel from me. He did not get fuel from me. If he calls himself a scumbag he is probably expecting you to respond by saying he isn’t one, that you are important to him etc – positive fuel, and ego stroke.

            Yes, they do not give a shit. They take without remorse or guilt.

          5. Gabrielle says:

            Hi ANK,
            I know what his wife looks like. I have never met her but I did look at her Facebook (well the parts of it I could see since I am not friends with her on there). She seems like a kind, decent, caring person. She knew of his infidelity and forgave him so that can attest to her character I am sure. They’ve been together (on and off) since teenagers and married for 9 years with a child. He often triangulated me with her sharing things about her and how she is, this then became his pity party for his guilt in cheating on her. How he saw nothing wrong with it and then the guilt was too much for him. Before me he had someone else. Supposedly he was caught with her and as such ceased all contact with her. He smeared her when he started with me. But told me he almost left his wife for her but when she learned of their affair he stopped all contact. He often reminded me we had to be a secret because if anyone found out he’d never be able to see me again.

            Later on his story changed when he said he still kept in touch with the prior girl. I called him out on the change in story and he said “well I OWE her. I have a life debt to her”. When I asked why he said “I made her believe I was going to leave my wife for her. I owe her and that is I will be there for her whenever she needs me”.

            I have no idea if this girl is now his new source OR if he has someone I do not know about. I am LD so I do not see him in every day life. The friend of mine that knows him (how he targeted me) said that he propositioned her for sex (which made me wonder if he was really a Narc or a sex addict). She was seeing someone else and told him “no thanks” and he politely backed off. They still remain friends. Not close friends, more acquaintance I would say.

            He has been slightly diminished on social media, not really posting too much.

            I feel like I am jealous because he is hers and not mine. But then again he is not really hers anymore than he was mine when he was mine. HG replied to a post of mine prior to tell me that due to the LDR and me not seeing him in day to day life that I am jealous of the illusion that his wife gets the golden period. And while that makes sense, part of me still misses him and is jealous of her. Part of me also wishes she would come to her senses, take their child and leave too. I guess I feel that way because I want some sort of solid proof that he is this way. I mean yes all the other things I have experienced show that proof but no my twisted fucking mind wants tangible proof. I want to SEE in person… SEE how he really treats her when he is not giving her the gold. Her, the primary source that he has never left and who has never left him. I wish I could be a fly on their wall and just see. Being LD has made this illusion so very blinding to me.

          6. ANK says:

            Hi Gabrielle,

            I’m still jealous of his new source. I try not tho think about her and tell myself he is deceiving her as well. That makes me feel a little bit better.

            It is as HG days – the jealousy is because the new source is getting the golden period. The texts and phone calls everyday, being taken to lunch, meeting for coffees. I get none of that now.

            Even if you go proof that he is a narc, that would not change who he is or what he does. May be in your mind knowing would make you want to make allowances for him because he is a narc. Kind like saying to yourself ‘he can’t help the way he is ‘. The empathy and need to fix comes into play.

            I too am curious about how Narchole was towards his wife. May be he said horrible things to her. Will never know, other than he called her a crazy bitch. And that he didn’t show any empathy or seem like he cared when she was having surgery for breast cancer.

            Talking of bitch – a he called me a bitch because I remarked that old age was a factor in reduced sleep requirement. Essentially he thought I was saying he was old. I wasn’t, but he called me a bitch.

            I wonder if he is afraid of getting old, that one day he won’t be able to attract new supply for his fuel – sex.

            He told me he is on Facebook now. I wonder if that is so that he can be on Tinder. Wouldn’t surprise me…..

            I hoe you’re doing better. Swings and roundabouts for. Today feel weepy……

          7. Gabrielle says:

            Hi ANK,
            A huge part of it is me still struggling with jealousy over his wife (of 8 years). He has had 4 affairs including me and 30+ sexual partners (and that was just what he told me I am sure he’s a liar and there are more). I do not know any of the others since I am long distance and I only “know” the wife from what I have seen on her social media. He never smeared or insulted his wife to me. In fact he had nothing but wonderful things to say about her. He smeared the other women though. They were meaningless to him. I got to hear all about his “guilt” of how horribly he hurt his wife by cheating on her. All the while he was busy sexing me. Had consult with HG who told me that he feels no guilt and just used that as an excuse to push me away. I have expressed repeatedly that I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see how he treats his wife behind closed doors. I wonder if the fact he never spoke a bad word about her means he probably unleashes the horrible on her even more. Not that I would wish that on anyone or want her to endure that but I just wish I could see it you know? Anything to reaffirm that this is how it really is….how HE really is.

            I know you said even if I have proof it will not change anything. I guess part of hopes it will keep waking me up! Because just when I feel like I am waking up I keep nodding off and falling asleep. Do you get what I mean?

            I am doing okay. I still have rough days. I still miss and want him. It really is like a fucking drug addiction. A magnetic pull if you will. It is maddening.

          8. ANK says:

            Hey Gabrielle,

            Glad to hear you are doing ok sort of, – cos I know how it is, especially the rough days. I dread the weekends – that’s when I start to feel really low.
            I understand your wanting to be a fly on the wall. That is the only way you would truthfully know him, as what he tells you are lies.
            Totally agree with HG that he does not really feel guilty about cheating on his wife. He just says all those things to gain your sympathy, so that he doesn’t appear callous. I bet there is plenty of gaslighting going on. Sad thing is she probably does know it for what it is.

            I totally get what you mean about waking up but nodding off. I have to keep reminding myself not to accept anything Narchole tells me, to analyse it further for narcspeak. When he was round on Sunday he was texting. I’m just texting Tom to arrange dinner, just texting Dick about work, just texting Harry about our trip. Yeah right. Probably texting her. I felt disrespected but you know this time i didn’t let it get to me. Just thought ‘what a fucking shit’. I just want to play him.

            I have been out for dinner with a couple of other men, one young, one old. They are just friends I have reconnected with after a few years of not being in touch, but they have made me feel better, like I am worthwhile. Narchole’s betrayal made me feel so worthless, and hate myself. He knows I have been out but I haven’t told him who with. Let him wonder.

            May be that’s what you need to do – go out with friends to take your mind off him. I know night times are the worst, but if you go out with other men even just as friends, it will make you feel a bit better. For a while at least.

            Karma, I really hope karma comes a knocking on Narchole’s door.
            That’s the hate part coming out. And the next minutes I’ll be wanting him, or more accurately wanting the golden period.

            May be part of the addiction thing is fear of never finding anyone else that you will feel the same for.

      3. Gabrielle says:


        My dynamic is different because of the LDR aspect obviously. He is a 13 hour car ride or a 2 hour flight. I do not see or interact with him in day-to-day life. It’s email, text, phone. We have seen each other 3 times in the last year. He now refuses to see me in person. He says we need a “break”. (is that a nice way of saying “I need to discard you?”)

        After reading everything here I wondered if I was really dealing with a Narc because for awhile I attributed him to more of a sex addict. Sociopath even. A lot of what I read did not apply (or perhaps I just have not been able to apply it due to the LDR) but the golden period of love bombing and repeated discard summarized it all pretty accurately. And also the mixed signals and total contradiction. Some slight gas lighting too (mainly “I never said that” or “You’re overthinking that”)….more so making me question my sanity with our “communication”…because again we did not see/interact in everyday life. I did not know his friends, he did not know mine (again due to the distance most likely, I often wanted to introduce him to my friends. My best friend knew “of” him and that made him very rattled. No one knew who I was in his life and I remained a secret so I never had to deal with smearing or any of that. In fact he went to extraordinary lengths to keep me hidden.

        He did talk lots of shit about his ex-mistress though. He is married and has a child….the ex-mistress was a psycho, she was crazy, he almost left his wife for her, what was he thinking, I am different and nothing like her. Then again he was CAUGHT canoodling with her. Yet the wife took him back anyway. And then there was me. My silent treatments were given with an excuse of “I am not leaving my family for you” yet he kept coming back around anyway. So while not a full blown narc definitely lots of Narc qualities there. On the subject of him being married he repeatedly told me what he was doing was okay as long as it did not disturb his marriage. From what he shared he’s had 30+ sexual partners (I doubt he can even keep track)….and he has a propensity to just kind of do anyone. Which is why I figured “okay sex addict definitely” but as I said the love bombing nonsense was on point, the seduction, all of it. And then the rest….

        Wow that was long. Thank you for allowing me to share a brief snippet of what I am dealing with.

        1. amsodone says:

          stay strong Gabrielle

  15. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, you are calling this deliberate encoding. To the extent lessers and mid-rangers do things instinctively or defensively rather than in a calculating fashion the way greaters do, is their encoding truly deliberate or more instinctive?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  16. Anne Brown says:

    Hello HG,

    Well, what a total enlightenment you’ve provided for me! I’ve been reading your posts for quite a few months now because a friend of mine was entangled with one of your kind. You were kind in your response to her and it helped.

    I appreciate what you’ve taught me and wish I had known about narcs years ago when I had a boyfriend who had many of traits. His favorite thing to do was create a false scenario and then accuse me of orchestrating it.

    I have a couple comments. First, braggadocio is never attractive unless you’re trying to attract knuckle-draggers, Name dropping, letting slip wonderful accomplishments, etc makes one look insecure and pretentious. A confident man will always let people find out for themselves what kind of person he is. Obviously, this could be a problem for you, but still….I’m sure you have some redeeming qualities.

    Second comment; the smear campaign is as bad as bragging. It says volumes about YOU instead of accomplishing your goal. You may get some great reactions from your circle when you proceed to annihilate, but what they’re not telling you is that only a jerk would vilify someone he once loved. Perhaps your arrogance blinds you to what other people really think about someone who tries to trash a woman he was so intimately involved with. It tells me you’re never to be trusted (we already know that, but now they do, too), you’re petty and that you’re a big baby. Maybe the fun of doing this is worth the negative secret feelings others will have about you. Maybe you like that aspect, too, but somehow I don’t think so. You want to be respected and admired by all.

    I’m not writing this so you’ll print it. I don’t care about that. When I was involved with a narc, it was the worst relationship I ever had. Two years with that man. I was in my early 20s. Now we’re both 62 and guess who’s still single.

    Thanks for the opportunity to respond to you. I do have a question for you. When you’re in the Golden Period, do you feel anything? Joy? Happiness? Love? I find it so hard to comprehend that all of your emotions in that period are contrived and that you’re not really happy at that time. It seems contradictory.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Anne. Infatuation and power.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Your Fault