A Question of Trust

A QUESTIONOF TRUST

 

We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,

“I like your shirt it suits you.”

You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.

People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.

You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.

By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.

Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.

When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.

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69 thoughts on “A Question of Trust”

  1. On Mar 25, 2017 5:57 PM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:

    > HG Tudor posted: ” We are able to do what we do because of a > particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we > target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and > then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of tru” >

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  2. Yep. Walls are higher so you can’t climb them. Sad part is that walls are higher applies to others as well. Funny. My previous comment didn’t seem to post at all..even in moderarion. Maybe I thought I posted it and didn’t. Oh well.. Is your first name Hans?

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  3. Trust is part of the language of love in most eyes of decent people, myself included. It seems a narcissist of the highest degree can only speak the language of something darker and more contrived of manipulations to further their supply. A mask that appears as love but never delivers to the victim.

    Enlightening article nonetheless.

    A little poem in reply and formed from experience.

    The sting of sentiment gone frigid
    Built around the victim’s contrition
    Speaks of finality with false compulsion
    A void that perpetuates a lost existence
    A blackened soul that drinks corruption
    His creatures consume voraciously
    Undiluted tears energize his hollow necessity
    Parasitic, quixotic, confusing language
    Shades of his own domineering benevolence
    A masked conqueror the binds its prey to his whims
    Ever silently bends it’s tendrils quite efficiently
    To extend his own breath with the victims destruction
    He vacates true love’s light effortlessly
    So the machinations that cage his creation
    are forever fed to keep away his true damnation

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  4. Hello HG
    I hope this finds you content in all ways.

    At least, we can all trust that you will serve us a hardy dose of truth/reality for us all to swallow. One can always rely on you to “set us right”…for you know us so well. Such is your life’s work!
    Thank you for sharing of the gift that is you.

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    1. Hi Karen

      Do not allow your trusting ability to die.
      Fair enough…guard it.
      I totally get what you are saying..I really get it.

      But gain as much knowledge as you can and seize the power.

      Through knowledge you will find discernment.
      You will be able to apply trust eventually using the discernment.

      Discernment is power.

      The narcissist cannot take the real treasures we possess. No.
      Not in the final analysis they cant.

      Hold on to this belief.
      Do not surrender your lovliness to die.

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      1. Thank you Debbie 😊 I’ve come to realise that what I once believed were my strengths are actually my weaknesses. Trust, empathy, a need to fix etc are all just vulnerabilities leaving me an open target to hurt and abuse. I’ll be covert with my vulnerabilities from now on.
        Please don’t think that’s me throwing the towel in…to the contrary it will make me stronger and I will pass my strength on and utilize my new knowledge to help others.
        But I have had a big wake up call (or rather my ego has) about the ‘qualities’ I am told I have. Qualities=vulnerabilities=weakness. I’m not being maudlin here, I’m being realistic. My ego allowed me to believe I was lucky to be an empath, lucky to care so much, lucky to only see the good in people. I guess that made me feel better about myself in an egotistical sense. But it was BS. I am still the same person with the same traits but now I see them for what they are as opposed to seeing them through my ego.

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  5. I trusted him. I moved, gave away many of my belongings, opened my heart and wallet for him and his family. Cared for his children, took care of everything.
    I trusted him. I bent over backwards for him and his family. I trusted him.. but one day I had enough and moved. One text two weeks later and a I’m sorry. I was down in the black hole and have stayed there for a year. The silent treatment killed me. The refusal to talk, meet and give back my belongings killed me.
    After one year we meet again. Hugging for hours and forgiveness. Silence again. A long battle to get back belongings and repeatedly “I want to meet again” but too busy. I ignored it and just focused on the personal belongings and he shut me down as long as I only wanted my things back. Still keeping my most valuable piece and now it’s “missing”. Sporadic emails but so Cold. Stupid me for trusting again. A long good bye email from me 10 days ago and giving up my last belonging (piece of jewelry he once gave me).
    Found out about many lies. I trusted him. I don’t trust anything anymore.
    He never hovered .. didn’t have to since I pleaded over and over again. Sent Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, long letters but the cruelty of silence killed me.
    He is now happy that I gave up… the trust is gone. All the promises gone.
    I am broken, homeless and feed up with him in my mind. Therapy, medication, traveling … he is still in my mind.
    I’m a empathetic, loving person but he broke me. I was happy, very successful and loved life. Two years in a dark hole and struggling every day to get out.
    I will book a session with you HG. I need to understand a few of his actions.
    Thank you

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  6. Good Morning HG, may I ask…do you get fuel from knowing you’ve destroyed someone even when they’re long gone? Knowing the effect you had on them has changed them forever. Can you post draw supply from feeling you were strong/superior enough to affect negative change on them that is carried forward into the rest of their lives. Is that something you would do or would that not happen because it would be relatively low supply and therefore you think no more of the abused once they’re gone? Also, would the fact that they escaped/discarded you rather than you discarding them have any bearing on this?
    Thank you.

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    1. The fuel comes from the emotional reaction. If a victim bemoans the fact they felt destroyed by us, that provides us with fuel. The knowledge we have of someone’s misery following destruction will provide some Thought Fuel but it is far better to hear/see them bemoan their fate.

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      1. Thank you HG. That is very helpful. I’m so glad I went no contact straight away. Of course this absolutely infuriated him and even after the police were involved he didn’t give up and continued to breach his order. I never once gave in and gave him the ‘connection’ he was so desperate for. I’m so glad my instinct to play it that way was right. On social media whilst he was completely destroying my name to everyone with his clever and calculated smear campaign against me I was posting things like ‘beat my PR for 5k run today’ or ‘lovely lunch with friends’ all positive things that had no link to him or his smearing whatsoever. Truth was I was too scared to walk out my front door so the chance of me running or lunching with friends was zero! Lol. But my ‘white lies’ served the purpose of me STILL not giving him any recognition or connection. He still doesnt know what’s going on behind the scenes, I’m very careful to keep the positive pretence up to everyone who is connected to him. Now I have the knowledge that I played it right makes me feel better. At least in that way only I feel I’ve ‘won’ a battle. I’d bet my backside that it still infuriates him to know he got dropped by someone as ‘worthless and inferior’ than him and that no matter what he did I still wouldn’t give him any connection . Would that be a fair assumption of his feelings/reaction to me not engaging with him in any way, shape or form HG?
        Thank you for your time, honesty and knowledge HG.

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  7. I would think there are some, for the sake of keeping the facade in place, especially for your profession, that you have to trust and therefore have to reciprocate being trustworthy in return. Correct?

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      1. Because maybe your standards and expectations are unrealistically high and changing daily at times… there’s that.

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      2. What do you mean by downside? What is a ” downside ” for you? The risk of being wounded or of losing you superiority or? Can you please extend your answer a little bit more?

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      3. HG, you have been betrayed as a child. I am very sorry for that.
        1. As an adult: How have you been betrayed ? In your professional life,private life?
        2. By whom? In your personal relationships?
        3.Since the circle repeats itself..aren’t you sabotaging your own personal/ private relationships?
        4.Do you feel unsuccessful for the relationships collapsing,crashing down? 5. Haven’t you not even once felt not being betrayed!

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      4. HG!
        3.4. You have stated in many of your articles that regardless who your partner is or how much they try..it is not their fault .It is that it becomes stale for you.If I take your example of strawberry ice cream: the original taste and qualities of the ice cream remain the same..they do not change : it is you the one that “tastes” it differently after a while! So it is really not their fault..is it?

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      5. No, but in order to maintain what we wish to maintain, to draw fuel, to remain in control, to keep order in the State of Narc, it must be your fault.

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      6. HG!…Grrrr..now I am getting irritated…
        Is the answer I got from you coming from HG that still wants to stay in his State of Narc when regarding his intimate personal relationships ? But not from HG that is actually considering de-constructing certain strategies like this…blame shifting? So you can find the real reason of why “the fuel” becomes ” stale” for you?

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      7. The answer is coming from me, there is nobody else from whom the answer can be provided. I am explaining that that is the mindset behind why we (and by that I mean our kind as a whole) have to always blame you.
        The answers is the same irrespective of the alternatives you have detailed in your post because I am explaining a current mindset.
        What I think you meant to ask is, do you think that that mindset will alter if you achieve the de-construction and application of different strategies? To which the answer is, those advocating this believe it would alter.

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      8. Thank you HG for clarifying my question. That is exactly what I meant. Sometimes it is difficult to express what I mean. Are YOU advocating this belief in your process of de-construct?

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      9. Not a problem. Until such time (or if this can happen) there becomes no need to attribute blame in this way, then this is how it must be. There remain many occasions where I do regard it as the fault of the other person.

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      10. …so what you are saying is that you advocate this belief? Or am I misinterpreting things? And that you are willing to try it?
        I do agree with you that sometimes it is the ” other’s” fault..or both..it is just a matter of recognising it ,not meaning exactly that you ” lose the upper hand” by doing it..Am I right or wrong? According to you?

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      11. But are you still resisting and fighting this notion because you are satisfied with how efficient you are? Or are you open minded to realize you could experience a difference in your personal relationships?

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      12. Yes some do this is true, you learned from one that should have shown you trust but they didn’t, if you decide to try and trust, you will fight it. It goes against everything you know. There is someone who will understand, and will walk the entire way with you. Through hell if need be. You hold the power with in you, the choice is and always has been yours.

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      13. Remember, only empaths bring it on themselves, HG does not, as he’s not responsible for his behavior which makes people desert him.

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  8. I said to him that he was handsome because I want him to be happy. But he is ugly ,actually.
    I also lost in the chess game 3 times intentionally because I did not want to hurt his feelings.
    I said that the color of his shirt looks good on him, but it doesnt. But I want to feed his ego because he was happy like that.
    But I am very honest with my boyfriend now,, because he is a good man and he does not have a fragile ego.
    Because the problem of being honest with a narc. is because they have a fragile ego, and they will get angry with you or give you silent treatment. And, this is not happiness…..

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  9. The irony being that my ex trusted nobody. I assumed it was because he had been hurt and through a lot in his life but in retrospect I believe it was because he assumes everyone is as treacherous as he is. I even told him that before I ended the relationship. I remember the first time he spent the night and I had to run to the store in the morning to get some groceries. I told him he was welcome to relax and I wouldn’t be long. He was absolutely incredulous that I would trust him enough to leave him in my home alone. I should have seen that as red flag and ran for my life then and there. I know now he must have been mentally having an orgasm over the level of trust I gave freely to someone I barely knew. I even asked him: “Why would I not? Are you going to steal from me?” Oh how naive I was. That wasn’t even 2 years ago and it seems like a lifetime. The horrors I have lived and witnessed since then…Had I only known he planned on stealing everything I had including my soul. Excellent article, HG. I’ve been away healing and working finally. I have a Sunday off to catch up on your articles. 🙂

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  10. HG: can you describe the creative process for you, when you write something? Can you be creative any time? Can you write when there are distractions?

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    1. I have an idea. I sometimes plan the main points for an article or sometimes it just flows. I plan the structure of the books in advance, relevant chapters and material etc. I can be creative at any point but my best work is always done at night listening to Moonlight Sonata.
      I can write with distractions but I prefer not to.

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  11. Good article! Do you betray everyone’s trust, including your loyal lieutenants and secondary sources of supply??

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      1. If they are not aware that they are infuriating you, how can you make them responsible, HG?

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      2. “But we consider that you are aware and you are just feigning a lack of awareness as part of your treachery.”

        You are wired to expect the worst of everybody, and it shows. Some may fake lack of awareness, but I do not think that it is the norm, more so considering what kind of (very minor) incidents spark your fury.

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  12. What narcs do not seem to understand however, is that once trust is shattered, it cannot be restored. They think they can waltz back into our lives as if nothing had happened! Yet everything has changed.

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  13. Hi H.G.
    So even when you tell them that you would never tolerate an affair with another person and that it would devastate you to be lied to-they still do it to punish you? When I found out that Ang. was cheating on me for 4 years with a woman who lived in Naples, 4 hours away from me, I was devastated and he knew it since I found out from the mistress-or was she IPSS?
    So even after knowing this, he would do it again and believe that I know about it? He knew that was the only thing I would not tolerate-I would bring this up to him and he would say ” I know you would not stand for that and I would never do that again” He did.
    Do you think H.G. he purposely wanted to hurt me? If so, for what-because I am a trusting person or just foolish?

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