Just The One Time

Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you. Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.

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98 thoughts on “Just The One Time”

  1. Thanks HG! It’s amazing how much of this is so accurate and relatable. As a Greater, are you geared towards long term relationships or does it matter which class??

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  2. Ah yes. The revolving door syndrome. I know it well. In-out-in-out. Round and round you go, where (when) you stop, nobody knows.
    You check in your self respect at the door before going in (just the one time). Then you hate yourself for it and rush back out trying to salvage what little self-respect there maybe left. But once you’re out, you’re gripped by an insane compulsion​ to go back in again (for the last time, I promise)…

    Such a terrible affliction! Anyone who’s been through this, finally gets to understands what people struggling with various addictions go through.

    I must say, you are spot-on on this, HG.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. FUCK…!!!!!
      Can YOU say that on here…My life.
      With a twist..
      I’m a super empath and he’s a greater..8 months ago I called him out on this..I kicked him out two yrs ago..How I found out..I googled am I a sex addict…
      I need to know..I think he’s made me a little narcissistic..
      Ive had another women counting to call..I can now manipulate him..I love fucking him.. He’s really got something to prove now..
      Now I get my life back fuck him on the side..And pay this bitch back…
      I’m loving it…
      Games we play..
      FUCK em

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      1. Shelly welcome back, I think that word made the cut the other day.
        It’s unfortunate you had to and continues this dance with the devil. I hope you continue reading the posts to gain knowledge of what has happened.

        I wish you well.

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      2. Shelly,
        Whoa. I also wondered why the other girl is at fault. It takes two. If you like effing him then why are you so incredibly emotional about it? I don’t understand that. Can’t you just have him for that and be satisfied? If you know he cheats then you either accept it or leave it or come to an agreement. Everyone wins. If you are going to blame someone, its definitely not the third party.

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    2. FUCK…!!!!!
      Can YOU say that on here…My life.
      With a twist..
      I’m a super empath and he’s a greater..8 months ago I called him out on this..I kicked him out two yrs ago..How I found out..I googled am I a sex addict…
      I need to know..I think he’s made me a little narcissistic..
      Ive had another women counting to call..I can now manipulate him..I love fucking him.. He’s really got something to prove now..
      Now I get my life back fuck him on the side..And pay this bitch back…
      I’m loving it…
      Games we play..
      FUCK em..I told her I’d fuck him in her bed…
      I’ll will for fucking with me for two years..While I feel for the therapist shit..The sex was great…I didn’t fear him till the end..Last time I seen him I met him at Casio with his mother..So I was safe. …I’ll move on soon..I have ..
      But I will mess with this bitch..She got me hit. I pay back

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      1. Hi Shelly
        Its good to be a little narcissistic Why the payback at her? Were you living with this guy? Did she know about you? If you care to share details of your interesting situation that is.

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  3. And all of a sudden everything was clear. I couldn’t make myself smaller and he couldn’t grow bigger. The pain took me higher up and I went deeper in. I know longer needed anything outside of me to sustain me, thanks to your kind!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This hits me deeply and I would agree that HG is spot on. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from him, but I still go through the motions. I finally have clarity again and I’m beginning to forget him, but there’s still an urge for that call…email…knock at the door…

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    1. Hurt,

      Just like smoking or any addiction the urge will soon subside.

      I am happy to see you are progressing.

      Continued peace and healing

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  5. Will it ever end? How do I get him out of my head? My friends don’t understand. They think it’s just a breakup. You can’t understand until you’ve been IN it.
    I worked for a female alcoholic narcissist for 10 years. Wanted to leave after 2 but was held in her clutches through manipulation tactics that broke down my reality and self esteem so that She could benefit from me while my life was ruined. I got it all, triangulation, devaluation, gas lighting etc.
    I finally quit and cut off all contact. I am still after a year rebuilding my life.

    I went from that to a recent 3 month whirlwind “romance” with a narcissist in AA who promised me the world and treated me like a queen. Then, on a dime he devalued me, discarded and replaced. To the outside it appeared to be only 3 months, how could that mean anything? It’s hell and my pride hates to admit it.

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    1. Hello I Empathise, the situation you find yourself in is one which requires the gaining of understanding to address the emotional infection that you have experienced. This is achieved through reading. Exorcism and No Contact will serve you well, as will reading other of my works and this blog to ensure you understand the various facets of the dynamics you have been involved in. You may also wish to consider a private consultation given the position you find yourself in to kick-start this understanding.

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      1. Thank you. I was doing so well. Hadn’t checked their social media in 3 whole days. I recognized it for what it was. A habit/addiction I had been groomed to do, not something I truly desired for myself. Today I had a weak moment though and looked. I wish I hadn’t. I was finally happy again. I felt lighter. It’s so hard because I want that proof that he’s doing the same thing to her but they look so perfectly happy. Yes, an exorcism sounds about right. It is an infection. I even used that word before.

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  6. Yep!!!!! Once again you’ve managed to read my thoughts and summarize them back to me. He often told me he would never block me on social media or anywhere else. Of course before that he threatened to block me all the time! Always back and forth. I have not blocked/unfriended/unfollowed him. I know I should but I have not. He will occasionally “like” something I post but only once every month or so. I guess that is to keep me wondering what will happen next isn’t it? A little tease to get me to reach out? I know I need to purge him from my social media, however 1. I don’t want to. I still love him and want to know how he is and what he is doing. And 2. If I did purge him I am a bit worried how he would react. He is a MMRN.

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      1. In your opinion IF I were to block him would he even notice or care? He’s a middle range. But he also has over 1,000 “friends/followers” on his social media accounts. Just thinking ahead to wonder the outcome if I were to unfriend him.

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      2. Well after reading your book “Decipher” yesterday I realize that currently I’ve fallen for the “if you love me you’ll leave me alone” nonsense. So I’ve backed off and left him alone essentially. And it’s been about a month of silence. He liked a pic of me on Instagram 2 weeks ago and that’s been it. I’m nervous to unfriend/unfollow him. Part of me doesn’t want to but part of me also worries how he’d react. Or even if he’d react. He’s MMRN.

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      3. If I unfriend or unfollow him, in your opinion what do you think he will do? Will he try harder or will he leave me alone? I’m just trying to prepare myself for the outcome. You know that whole eggshells thing and everything being a calculated move thing and all….

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      4. I often become confused how to classify what I am/was to him. I know I am not the IPPS. He is married so I believe the IPPS is his wife (or possibly another person or persons on the side in addition to her and me). Based on what I have read thus far, I have classified myself as an “intermittent appliance”. Due to long distance. I did not escape. I was discarded/disengaged.

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      5. If you were long distance and there was no intimacy between you, you sound like a NISS. Accordingly, since he only dips into you intermittently, he is unlikely to be overly concerned by you unfriending him. Of course, there is likely to be much more to this as some long-distance relationships may involve intimacy even though there is never any physical contact and to enable you to receive the fullest response you may wish to consider a private consultation to address this situation.

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      6. There was intimacy involved. We saw one another 4 times over the past year. He says stuff like “I am not leaving my wife for you, I am done having affairs and am going to be faithful to her, we need a break, I want to be your friend” …and so on. I will continue to consider booking a consultation. Thank you for all of your responses thus far.

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  7. Some serious conditioning with that phone. I, too, was conditioned to those morning calls and scheduled texts. It was well played. I had to detox off it…like going sober or getting clean. It is addicting. It took me about 30 days of cold turkey to shake the urge and the pain of not getting the message.

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      1. Gabrielle
        Me, as well. It was an addiction. Took me a lot longer than 30 days – several months. I couldn’t get beyond it until I replaced it with other daily routines at the former texting times. In fact it was reading your post just now that made me realize that I AM beyond it and have been for a few weeks! This realization has really brightened my day! 😊

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      2. Windstorm,
        Wednesday mornings at 9 am are the worst for me. That was our phone time. We’d talk for 2-3 hours! It went on for many months. Then he said “I’m breaking the mold of your expectations”…

        It still hurts. Every Wednesday. I just ordered “Exorcism” to my kindle cloud and I’m hoping it will help me understand.

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      3. Gabrielle,
        Mine was purely a long-distance relationship. He lived 5000 miles away on another continent. He would always text me when it was convient for him, of course, between 1:30-6 am for me. I still wake up repeatedly during those hours, but thankfully no longer think of him.

        “Exorcism” is a good choice to read to help you purge him from your life now. I found “Why?” To be best at answering my questions. And of course, reading HGs posts. They have helped me tremendously in understanding this man. I have lived with narcissists all my life, but this one was different and made no sense to me.

        I will be thinking about you tomorrow and on subsequent Wednesday mornings and will send positive energy your way.⚡️⚡️

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you very much Windstorm. Ironically mine was also a long-distance relationship as well but we were about 850 miles away and saw each other several times a year. And he was married with a whole other life that I was kept separate from. Aside from that it was pretty much online phone calls, texts recording and sending media back-and-forth things like that. That’s why a lot of what I originally read about in terms of day-to-day life interactions didn’t really apply to my situation but there was also so much other content that did…and this website has been tremendously helpful to me. Thank you for your encouragement in terms of dealing with my Wednesday mornings.

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      5. Gabrielle,
        Sounds a lot like mine, but I don’t think he was ever married -too dysfunctional. He seems to be the kind that has a handful of IPSSs. Of course he tried to keep this hidden. Too much of what he did n said was an insult to my intelligence. But I live alone in the back end of nowhere and all those texts and having someone I could talk to sure was nice…

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    1. Indy
      Sorry, sent a reply to Gabrielle that was really in response to your comment. Goes to show how much we all have in common, despite our very different circumstances. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awesome 😊 We do all get each other! And yes, Exocism was a fav of mine. Deconditioning takes time. Replacing rituals with new healthy ones helps. I used to call a friend when I missed his calls/texts. I also bought a French press and made my morning routine a little more about the perfect cup of Joe and less about that guy.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s different to see what you are feeling and how you are reacting, written down in black and white. While I am going through the craziness, it seems so normal because I know the routine, the emotions and what to expect. But when it’s written down and you re-read what is happening it makes you look at it from a different perspective. This post.. this is me. The insanity of checking up on him ect. I’ve done it all. It made me feel crazy.

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  9. I have made sure from the beginning of my year long relationship not to obsessively text through habit. Sometimes I don’t respond and sometimes this helps my sanity. I am not ending up as another love addict loser. I think my partner is a mild somatic narc. I have not had a devaluation stage…..yet…
    HG do you think that mild somatics are pathological? He is certainly on the selfish side. Do I have bad stuff coming?

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  10. I am ashamed to admit I was weak today after being so strong for so long. He had left a letter in my mailbox and a birthday gift for me outside my front door, as well as a ” good morning happy birthday , my you” text. ( even tho he didn’t realize it’s in three days , not today)Stupidly I answered, now my phone is exploding with love bombing texts.i am so disappointed in myself, just want to hit my head against a brick wall… sigh ok.. back to square one

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      1. Aww that’s sweet❤️Thank u windstorm2!Actually had dinner tonight with a very kind and considerate man tonight. It was lovely😊

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      1. I’ve search your books in the past and have never found a physical copy. I thought you only made ebooks…

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      2. Not to come off as elementary, ‘paper back’ is a hard (or soft) actual book..?

        I went to a popular ( not going to say where to avoid stating worldly location) a very popular ‘book chain’ and when they looked it up, they told me that it would be as though it was printed out.. I didn’t like that..

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      3. Why the hell are you being rude? I upsetted you very much? And since when did ‘magicked” become a word ?

        I meant as in printed. individual pages and not connected together like a book. But never mind.

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      4. SMH

        I am left speechless 😶, not because I don’t have something to say, only because it will fall on deaf ears.

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      5. “Aren’t all books printed that are a physical copy or are they magicked into existence?”

        And it also has absolutely nothing to do with what I said.
        Fuel.

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      6. Such as you qoth your failed dark arts you keep trying to advanced on me. Look the way you ran and got ‘help’ yesterday. Couldn’t do it alone huh..?

        Conquered is when you purposely lied and said I ran from you with out specifying or providing proof trying to gt me to repeat myself to utilize you’re so called fourth rule, you got bored 1st, Greater.

        Conquered was when you kept stating that thee onky reason I stayed you were seeking fuel was because I was supposedly “mad” you dislikes Marina (when I couldn’t care less), when the true is you were clearly dissapointed in just how much I wasn’t, because you wanted be to be hurt after stating you’d always listen and you stating you wouldn’t ;).

        Ha ha: “I’m not being rude. I was just asking a question”
        You were, but with unecessary sarcasm. Ha ha. Fuel.

        HG, of you haven’t recognised, I usually just say “Thank you or nothing when I notice you practicing thee ‘arts’, I was going to show how like I stayed I stated in thee email that the rulea dont really count for anything, yo ur
        y.

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      7. Dark arts… It doesn’t work on me… 💅 You can not conquer one who sees through you. You have no other games you can play…

        You know HG, I know you’re still on mad and you probably though I wasn’t being genuine when I said “Hi” to you today, but I really meant every thing I said.. I hope you can accept that and also accept that I wanted us to be on a good ‘foot’.. considering some on the new things I’ve learned about you.. What do you say..?

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    1. Some of them are Vashti. Personally I prefer paperback books.. I like to stack them on my bedside.. and I like fresh scent of paper, ink and glue. ( Hope it doesn’t sound too weird).

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      1. It doesn’t because I love reading as well, but not on electronics. It’s very unhealthy and I don’t like having to adjust my screen light all the time..

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      2. I don’t think it sounds weird at all a broken wing, I completely agree:) nothing like curling up on the couch with a blanket with a good book or while taking a bubble bath.Love the scent of a brand new book and it’s glossy cover.lol tho the fact I prefer actual physical books probably gives my approx age away….

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      3. Not weird at all! I love the sensory experience of reading a physical book too. However, I will say I sometimes just want to immediately read something for cheap and the e book serves that impulse/thrift in me too 😊

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      4. Indy!
        Glad to see you! I thought you had marched right past me clear up to Alaska. Hope you are well and getting out of those fuzzy socks and getting a pedi. Sandal season is almost here! Missed you.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hi NA!
        I would never bypass my Canadian friend 😊 Plus, it’s now my favorite country! Yes time for pedicures once the tornadoes pass and the floods recede! No more fuzzy socks. How are you doing? Missed you too!
        Indy

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  11. Message received
    It was very unexpected at least from whence it came from. All it was, was a picture and it took me back to a time so very long ago, then even farther back to my childhood.
    So many things lefted unsaid, not just with him, but with them.
    Thank you HG for helping in some very unexpected ways today.

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    1. HG feels threathen from a challenge by me.. So he’s trying to make me appear as thee aggressor on the blog in a manipulative way. But those smart such as yourself can see through it.

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  12. Just want to let everyone know that i had ptsd, but no longer do. HG magicked it out of me. 😀
    HG is the best magician the world over! He will have you magicked in no time!

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  13. HG!
    Did you go shopping in my Ye Ole Potion shop again? Tsk, tsk.
    Aisle 7 is only for the most dark of dark…Poofing books is aisle 6.
    Speaking of witch (hehe), I am waiting on pins and needles for that ACON and the Good Doctors books.

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  14. H.G.
    You have outdone yourself with this article-Wow did it ever bring me back to reality. When ever-present is on the rise, I should just read this article. How true, every word-how is it you know exactly what we are thinking?
    I have been there so many times-it is so tempting! But, all of this before the knowledge-before you!
    It is so incredible-the one ring on the phone-really, how do you know.? Thanks for another great one!

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    1. HG,
      I was on the phone speaking with my sister when another call came through without showing ID, it happens sometime, since I was expecting a call from a friend I tell my sister-let me take this and I will call you back-guess who? Angelo on the phone, after I had received a very long text from him (telling me about his life and how he missed speaking with me) the night before which I did not answer. The first thing he says is “Did you miss speaking with me?” I replied, NO. I felt sick and paralyzed-frozen in place. The only thing I said was “why are you calling me and texting me, why can’t you leave me alone?” he told me what you had already stated in your books and articles-I said “I don’t care for your explanation and what you did to me was horrible, living with another woman that you were seeing behind my back-I have moved on with my life and do not want any contact with you.
      HG, it was like the hoover you wrote about where you called a discarded ex and she picked up and said the same things. I ended by hanging up stating you will not have my fuel-obviously very prime when he cannot get the same quality with his IPPS of 3 months. Today, I feel terrible and with a pit in my stomach which I have not had for at least 6 weeks. It’s like they have a radar when we are strong and feeling better-they try to ensnare you once again. Why did I freeze HG? Why couldn’t I just hang up when I heard his voice? Why is he bothering me with a new IPPS of 3 months-could the fuel not be up to par? He also mentioned he was on “our-time” a dating site-which of course he IPPS does not know about. Please enlighten me, I am totally baffled. Forgive all the questions-not quite myself today.
      Thank you!

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  15. Not much to say that hasn’t been said already, but I’ll add my own spin. I’ve been all over this site in the last few weeks…HG, thank you so much for giving a name and a description to an affliction that affects so many yet for so long has been downplayed as the emotionally unavailable man and the needy woman. Countless websites chastising us for being too quick to call someone a narcissist while we battle in our own private hell, all the while being publicly blamed as the root cause of our own misery. Certainly you show how we ‘victims’ play a role in this game for two, but clearly all the fault does not lie with us. My deepest gratitude for showing me all of the narcissists in my own family, particularly the chief narc, which explains from where my own emptiness, a big gaping mouth of a hole, stems. Even events from past relationships have become clearer in the context of this precious information! Unfortunately I find myself in a bit of a pickle these days, which is my reason for finding you. Might I contact you directly with a question, HG?

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  16. Hi HG,
    I hope you are doing well. Are you on holiday? I haven’t heard a reply in over 2 weeks. I know you are always very busy but I so appreciate your input. Please let me know my status-I am just concerned. I was thinking on booking my 3rd consultation just to ask some questions.
    Thank you 🙂

    Like

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