Indiana Empath

INDIANA

You are the foolhardy explorer. You may label me as driven and single-minded but take a moment to consider your own position. There, gleaming and glistening on a plinth is your prize. The golden idol. Grasping this guarantees your return to the golden period with me, that time of utterly intoxicating desire, supreme happiness and the perfect love. All you need to do is take it in your hand and you will be transported back to that wonderful place. It is an irresistible temptation. In order to reach the plinth and its alluring prize you must negotiate your way past an array of dangerous traps. First of all , you must walk the daily tight rope and avoid plunging into the pit of toxicity that bubbles beneath it. This tightrope is being cut away by one of my loyal Lieutenants as you try to walk across it. From the left another of my Lieutenants is firing his Proxy Weapon at you, shooting bolts of Smear Campaign. You cannot throw them back but you must try to duck and dodge them. From the right, another lieutenant uses his Proxy Weapon to launch repeated Character Assassinations at you. They come thick and fast.

From the tight rope you now need to cross the eggshells that are scattered across a large section of the floor. As if this was not hard enough, jets of Narcissistic Rage spurt out at completely random intervals from around the room, seeking to burn you and have you topple onto the eggshells breaking them. Beyond this is a merry go round. You cannot avoid it and you must get on and find yourself being spun around at a dizzying speed. All the while loudspeakers pump out scurrilous accusations at you to belittle and confuse. You have to somehow get off the merry go round despite the neckbreaking speed at which it turns.

Dizzy and disorientated you blunder into another room where barbed spears drive at you from every direction if you tread on the wrong paving stone. There is no way to gauge which stone will generate a spear that is seeking to wound you. All you can do is try toconquer your wheeling vision from the merry go round and hope Lady Luck somehow steers you through this room. Somehow you might surmount it and then walk into a further room. This room is lit with flames, fuelled by gas and the light flares up and down in no consistent fashion as you are expected to walk through a maze. The dimming and glowing lights cast shadows which send you the wrong way time and time again as frustration mounts and you try to steer a way through this maze. Up above you fly several of my lieutenants who offer to lift you up and carry you across the maze. Exhausted and weary you accept their kind offer only to find that they carry you back to the start of this hellish puzzle.

If I showed you this malevolent contraption without the prize you would shake your head and walk away, but you have seen the prize, indeed I allowed you to hold it for a moment and you could feel its potency to return you to the golden period. You want that prize. Nobody sane would surely go through all that though would they ? But your sanity has been compromised and you will endure all of those trials just to try to claim the idol, even though you are unaware that it will turn to dust as soon as you lift it from the plinth. Indiana Jones wouldn’t even attempt it, but as Indiana Empath you will.

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18 thoughts on “Indiana Empath”

  1. Hmmm…
    I’ve been there. The explorer, the dating bungee jumper. It is exhilarating and that adrenaline…yeah, I liked being Indie at times (as in the movie), and that is how I met the charming psychopath for a couple dates. I knew he was “bad” and oh so fun. Thank goodness I dodged that boulder, but yes, so fun! And, us Indies can get ourselves in dangerous adventures and must decide is it worth it. The itch is always there.

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  2. I wonder what the future brings if I enter the sphere of influence.. Will I be equipped enough with the knowledge ,free of emotions and strong enough to resist the temptation or will I play with the fire knowing that I will get burned..?

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  3. I suppose there will always be ‘narc admirers’ like indiglowsky, that consider the narc “oh so fun”. As for me, I’ve learned the difference between an authentic, caring man and a narcissist, and I have no desire ever again for that kind of “fun” the narcissist provides. It’s only fun if you are a doormat and a glutton for punishment. Having self worth, respect, and boundaries again feels better than any narcissist ever made me feel even at the beginning. I’ve learned more from H.G. Tudor than anyone else about narcissism and narcissists, and I truly appreciate his candid honest contributions to the narc survivor community. Thank you, H.G.

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    1. Hi yogaga,
      I appreciate your comment and perspective and you can also ask me directly about my comment too 😊 as I think you have misinterpreted my comment. Context helps. Which is understandable if you do not know my entire story, easy to do here when we reveal our souls in snippets. Let me explain a little as we may have a similar perspective:

      I have been in several long term relationships, my last one was what drove me here. He was a mid range narcissist that was psychologically and emotionally abusing that I slowly discovered was also a narcissist. It was only 2 years, though it took me 6 months planning the leave due to the gaslighting and attachment I formed. I then dealt with hoovers while maintaining no contact since last summer. I had endured symptoms that were after effects of abuse and would never go back to him. I’ve stayed out of the dating scene and single and happy for 9 months purposefully. I do not wish to take that step again. The story I noted above was one man I went on three dates with 3 years ago that I cut off, but should have after date one. He was charming, alluring, handsome and very intelligent….and obviously dangerous in the psychological sense (a vibe I got from him like no other and was likely a sociopathic narcissist ). This is the kind of man that you discuss Asian history while sipping green tea, discussing the beautiful nuances of shadows for the perfect art piece while knowing those eyes are dark. The dance is enticing with this type AND not healthy. This is for me to know about myself as a weakness that I’m working on. Something I would not recommend to others. With that said, to know me is to know I am curious, inquisitive,and love an intellectual conversation and I love to learn the depths of the persons psych make up. It’s what I do (professionally and since a child). I have no plans to purposefully engage in bungee jumping anytime soon and I also know the love, the genuine love of a empathic man (he died recently unfortunately and had his own demons with this world, but oh so kind, deep and soulful. He was a soulmate. Now with angels).

      My reason for my lengthy response is just to say I agree, the love of a healthy relationship is far above the Indie adventures. I know. I miss it. And I’m developing love for myself as I remain off the dating scene to heal from my clear draw to some of the extra ordinary aspects of a very intelligent and smooth man who doesn’t feel the same type of love.

      Hope this explanation finds you well, as I appreciate your view.
      Indy

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  4. I do find myself still wanting to chase after those golden moments. I’ve been struggling for over a year now, but at least I’m no longer in the same crazy emotional states that I was. Swinging wildly through anger, sadness, lust, madness, numbness…from extremely activated to practically catatonic, over and over. I don’t know what I sounded like. Borderline or histrionic or something, probably. I’ve never experienced anything as good or as bad as that relationship.

    Like you, Indy, I’ve decided to take a break from dating. Get other things in my life squared away and then focus on myself. I don’t even really have a desire to see anyone, other than to worship at the altar of my own personal idol, which I know is trapped with yet more poisoned hooks aimed at my heart.

    The end of the article is so spot on – no one who is sane would put themselves through that again, just for the promise of another taste.

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    1. You described the swings well. From profound grief, to saddness, to lust, to anger, to raging fights, to catonic despondent states… and cycling back again. Sick cycle for sure.

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      1. Thank you Sarabella.

        It’s so easy to forget too. Maybe it’s more common among people who tend towards dissociation, those of us who are taught in childhood to ignore painful reality. But if I didn’t have emails and texts to look back on, I wouldn’t even remember most of what he did or how chaotic it made me. I would just remember feeling like a failure and worthless and idolize him that much more for even having put up with me.

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      2. You again nailed a piece that has bothered me. The role my own dissociation learned feom mayernal narc abuse and othet FOO abuse played in it all. The first devalue would have sent another person walking but my descent into childhood reactions to pain caused the opposite in me. But I had enough healthy parts to start fighting back so this was alot of what fed my part of the cycle, his abuse, my reaction to it and non reactions, failing to see it was intentional on his part, my disbelief that he WANTED to hurt me… all learned

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      3. yes, and I sort of idolized him that way, too. For putting up with me untilnI learned how intentionally he was driving my feelings and I allowed it. I stopped apologizing and began to tell him he deserved what he got from me, the things that allegedly wounded him. But I am not sure he has a heart to wound, only an ego to wound.

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    2. What C6H1206 said. And Indy too. I’m exactly there. I do have some contact with N as I’m still in his kid’s lives, ( mostly through their mom though)
      It almost “helps” when I see him because it further strengthens my resolve and I definitely see him for who he is now. He can’t hurt me anymore.

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  5. WOW== I’ve been thinking how I’d come through this last encounter (in the last 5 days, he’s constantly Hoovered). I’m ALSO from INDIANA… ironic! I’ve contemplated playing nice, then I spoke my mind. I was on point w/all his flaws.. which he quaintly retaliated! But now I can’t decide if I want to tackle the fury, on protect my emotions..?!.
    7 years, and many hurts later, I still love the feel of the *golden periods. Some of the flames that burnt me were so severe I never thought I’d make it 7 months later…but here I am!
    This was an interesting read for me! Obviously sent to my email @ the right time! Thank U H.G. !!
    I will jot the email this follow goes to.. as I have two, but the other is not a follow. (wontulike2know)

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  6. Indiana Empath 😁
    Very apt.

    Aye…so damn true. Jumping through the hoops that get higher and smaller all the time.
    Then:
    “jump through the hoop already!!!”
    even though by this time its so out of sight and so high in the ozone layer and out of reach that its now invisible.

    There really is no rhyme or reason. It’s all so unfair.
    🤐🎡🎢🎪🎭☛🏴⚠

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