Tell Me That It Is True
I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.
I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.
You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.
Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?
When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.
When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.
It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.
I did not lie when I said that I loved you.
I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.
I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.
I just did not tell you the truth.
The truth that I never felt love for you.
Because I cannot do that.
71 thoughts on “Tell Me That It Is True”
There was nothing wrong with your post and I read it as you intended. You did tie it in and it was not a tangent. It appears you are at the stage where you can look at things from another perspective to see where you may have had some responsibility (NOT fault) so that you can avoid this happening to you again. That shows signs of growth and healing. Not everyone is at that stage-their anger wont allow it. That does not mean you are not entitled to your opinion and I thought your post had value.
Actually I do.
And using facts to try to humiliate me for feeling anger is not a way to promote self actualization.
Er, huh? There was no humiliation intended, I thought your comparison was really good, and I took the comparison a bit further, tying it in with this article more and with another one on this blog. I did go into a tangent of introspection as NA noted. I’m sorry if I offended you.
You have every right to feel your feelings and express your anger and pain over what you’ve experienced. I didn’t mean to impede that for you at all.
HG, you should take the risk! If it doesn’t work I’m sure it would not take you long to have someone else lined up. But I truly believe the real you is far more interesting then the one that tells all the lies! You would not fail! You never fail!😉 Xxx
Hello ava101.. What do you mean by ” wrong question”?😨😉
“I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework.”
I sometimes can’t believe how honest my exnarc was in a twisted way. I just didn’t understand any of that, because I didn’t have HG’s narc handbook handy. My exnarc kind of said that he _wanted_ to love me, that he had _decided_ on a commitment. He also said that he had put in a lot of work to get to live in the apartment he made his brother buy, the apartment my exnarc chose for his brother. He had also told me that he had found old pictures of me on the internet – before asking me on the first “date”, and some information which had required a deep, thorough search. He also said that he liked one of thes old pictures best, because I had looked so vulnerable on it.
HG Have you heard or seen information on a new coined phrase “intimacy anorexia”? I only ask because in one of your articles you described a cerebral whereby they ONLY need your fuel and masturbation is actually preferred over an intimate sexual relationship with a real person.
AND do you think that my covert mid range could actually be nice? I know all actions are centered around self but he does things almost like a robot, waiting on people like my son and his girlfriend. Cleaning their house, organizing their garage, not telling me that I owe half of the $1800 for the divorce attorney.
He shows no interest in another woman outwardly. He seems to be content with the online stuff. Is this possible?
I spent the evening with my 2 sons and HIM after 3 months of being separated. It’s funny cause now I can see he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. He’s too stupid to see that the other normal people can’t understand how he can turn off like a switch to someone.
The first article I read of yours was “Devastation of the Illusion” and like Matilda said those hugs, hand holds, and kisses on the cheek gave away the farce but I was blind and stupid. I still wanted that Golden. 31 years of thinking I would get it back. I’m getting better everyday and like he said when he first left, that only time would heal my wound and he was exactly right. It’s almost as if he knows what he did to me and he is apologizing kinda like you do in your articles. Kinda like saying the illusion isn’t a lie but it is but it can’t be helped because its what you need. My head and my heart.
Being a super empath almost makes me want to be a kamikaze and just take one for the team Like giving your life for them is honorable but i know its not.
I realize he never loved me and now I realize he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. I hope the crying everyday stops.
Hi Karen, no I have not heard of that phrase. With regard to your personal situation, in order to obtain the detail to provide you with meaningful and constructive insight this is best suited to a private consultation.
I’m not even mad. It’s ok. I accept that he can’t love. I never believed all of that OTT stuff anyway. Soul mates and fate and all of that are for fairy tales. Reality is dirtier than that, it’s darker, more layered and complicated. The problem is that this lack of ability to love makes me want to love him more. Not to fix him, but to show him that someone can despite his lack of ability. What a hole to dig.
I’m thinking the same thing but they don’t want us anymore, remember? We are stale now. So even if our response is noble, they reject it, at least until maybe later when they might need our fuel again.
Well, I am still in deep with mine, but only to serve his needs. I know of the others, I know everything, but still I remain, determined. That damn tenacity will break me in the end.
I really can relate to that bind, to love them even more to show them what it really is. The risk, if we are not to careful, is to forget our own live needs in the process. I also wonder, if it is like speaking Japanese to a non speaker and when they do not understand what you are saying to speak louder. It still is a foreign language.
But the narcs know this con angle, too. He set me up with that one, with a whole slee of pity plays of past girlfriends who rejected bis love and flowers, and parents of old girlfriends who told them to het rid of him. He made me feel like I needed to work hard to love him and prove myself. He even verbally set that up in a very deceptive way. Its just another side effect of their games and something they knowlingly do to get you to pick up all the slack, fill in all their blanks and emoty spaces. They manipulate this response in a thousand ways.
We think we can love them even more to show them, but that’s the part of us that is still not getting that we cannot change them. They LIKE being this way. They LIKE deceiving people, playing these games, and they can’t BE any other way. Once we really, really deeply understand this, then we won’t feel this way anymore. But is our love honestly going to change some of these people who have been behaving and acting this way for decades? I fell deeply into that trap and it didn’t help that a few other people saw him from that perspective, too and made me feel harsh and mean for judging him. I know even of one person who knows exactly what this man was and yet, he still wanted to say he is a good person. No one who intentionally sets out to defraud, lie and con people over and over is a good person. But humans have this difficulty resolving this inthemselves. To fully know how treachourous someone is and to see their vulnerability, they are mor elikely to react to the latter as no one wants to be judge and jury of another. Which is what they both count on and play in people. As HG has described over and over. People don’t really get that these folks know exactly what they are doing and they like it this way no matter how much they might lament their lives in other ways.
I agree with most of what you said. I would add that no one can ever change another. Change can only come from within. Our love can make other people’s lives easier and more pleasant, but it can never change someone. That said, narcissists can change their behaviors, but it has to be because THEY want to change. It is very hard, but then it’s very hard for all of us to change.
Windstorm, I was mostly responding to this comment from above, “…to love them even more to show them what it really is.”
I am quite sure that ‘my narc’ has been shown LOTS of love in past relationships. Tons in fact. He knows what it is, he knows what is required of someone to fully participate in a relationship he knows he is expected to reciprocate. He just has ZERO desire to participate in one and instead wants to suck off everyone’e energy and resources. One of his pity con games was that no one ever showed him love or he couldn’t find love and that it turns out, was a crock of doodoo. He is the narc, of course he was shown it. I often said the same thing in my relationships but I was also quite the magnet for narcs so, it was true I didn’t experience love as they wanted to take and never give. But he from what I have observed, has been given lots of love, resources, money, chances with beautiful and smart caring women and what does he do? Chew it all up and play around like a child who can’t ever seem to eat enough candy. He ‘uses love” as a gimmick to lure people in but I really believe he doesn’t want it. He truly doesn’t want it. He LIKES this life he lives but the truth is also, these people can’t tell you upfront what they reall want in life, can they? So they play along with the great love game and we are left feeling like what we offered was nothing, irrelevant, something in the end they wanted to wipe their shoes with. And because it’s so connected to our selves, we feel as if they wiped their shoes with our souls and my sense is because we all value, no matter what eventually happens, ourselves and value how we see the world, we get caught in the ‘if only they could see and feel love.”. If only…. You know, my narc had his song and dance and when I told a mutual friend some of what he had done, my friend told me it was all to get in my pants. How pathetic. Just so he can add me to his sick list? And how he did it? I told him, I hope you are proud of what you did in response to his smearing me that I had no pride as I ‘begged’ him for answers. Well, he couldn’t take being called the monster that he was for all his lies and faking and laughing at how proud he must be to be nothing but a con artist. Because he knows what we think, expect, want and he has no intention of delivering it to anyone. No One. And as long as he can find some other victim to chase him and offer themselves to him, then, he is has no reason to try to change. He doesn’t even see the need. He thinks nothing is wrong with him at all. If there is nothing wrong with some of these people, then we have nothing to show them. Not even what love is, no matter how high we value it. And that is pretty hard to accept for me. But its the bottom line truth.
Your pain, confusion and hurt tears at me inside. I wish I were more eloquent so I could be helpful to you. I do understand where you’re coming from., although my situation was different from yours. Like many other posters here I have spent many years of my life (decades actually) miserable bc of narcissistic abuse. I have never even experienced a loving, intimate relationship. A part of me doubts that they even exist.
What I can say is that the horrible way you feel now will pass with time. Keep sharing with all of us here and learning about narcissism. Take it one day at a time and focus on the beauty around you. I don’t remember if you’ve mentioned religion or spirituality. My own faith is a combination of many spiritual traditions, but very powerful for my own recovery. Every time I see your name in the comments, Iwill say a prayer and send you positive energy thru the wind. You can remember that that whenever you feel the wind blowing.
Windstorm2: I also have become aware of exactly what happened to my life at the hands of my mother and in a way, of my father who in his reactions to her, treated me poorly in an extremely damaging way. He owns that now, but it caused much damage. So between the two of them, I also doubted such a relationship existed. I did have a few early boyfriends treat me well, but honestly, I never felt much for them because the part of me, too, that would have wanted to love someone got broken. I am married and like many, I was in the wrong place at the wong time but it never, ever would have worked if he hadn’t been a narc from my past and was fully in the mode of we are theirs for life. He literally picked up as if decades hadn’t gone by. He assumed and expected the impossible. I am not that vulernable to people and not to affairs, but he ran it all on me and was only successful because of a number of things. I am doing better and better but there was two years there where I did not see how I was ever going to get past what he had done to me and I risked so much for an utter snake, a coward, a pathological liar and a con. My situation was not kept a secret in my marriage and I actually received alot of support from my husband, oddly. And in the end, it’s made our relationship stronger and healther as I have gotten healthier. But when I look back at the story of my life and see what my mother did to us all? It is a whole lot to grieve. I am glad at least this late in life I have enough awareness now to change but I still cannot believe now what I see was always the truth about my mother. Its the only thing that finaly makes any sense. My heart hurt so much from what that man did to me, that I thought it would be bruised for life. Its better but sometimes, the waves of it all still catch me. Thank you and I also will send you so much energy that someone might one day come into your life who might show you a loving and intimate relationship might be possible. I am still growing but I didn’t find myself in my own life position until my early 40’s so I know what it’s like to live so many years in the shadow of this type of parenting and abuse and not even realize we were fed a reality that was never true and only true for them. Its so, so much to undo and retrain and relearn. I, too, will send you prayers.
Thank you Sarabella. I understand what you mean about your mom and how that affects you all your life. Both my parents were narcs. My dad was obvious, but I didn’t realize my mom was one until I studied narcissism. I’d just always thought she was a hateful jerk.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and energy. I do really appreciate them! As for loving intimate relationships, I’m afraid that ship has sailed. But I have 4 grown children and 7 1/2 grandchildren to provide me with love. (- typing that made me laugh. I just had to babysit a 4, 2, and 1yr old for two hrs and they were absolute terrors!! Definitely had enough “love” for today!!! 😝😝😝)
The entire article reads like a military operation in preparation for an invasion. The lengths you go to to create the perfect illusion… hoping she will fall for it, yet despising her if she does.
Your kind can fool us with words, gazes, grand gestures, but your body cannot lie… your body will always reveal the truth… an emotional estrangement that can be felt in a hug, a kiss and more… it’s always there, no matter how well he mimics movements, no matter how many times he tells you that he loves you… this feeling never leaves you when you are with him.
I understand that you need to win a battle before it is fought. But it also indicates that you do not trust your real self to be interesting enough on its own to attract a partner. Is that the case, HG?
Mirroring is a waste of time. Be yourself! If she likes you, good… if not, who cares?! It astonishes me that someone as unphased as you are, tries so hard to please.
It is done to ensure the ensnarement. There is no point increasing the risk of a failed ensnarement.
Yes, from your point of view, this makes sense.
Thank you. As you recognise, it is from my point of view.
HG, without mirroring, why do you think the ensnarement may fail? You are an interesting person without the mirroring. Try it one time. You will have positive results.
It is not so much about thinking it may fail but rather making sure that it does not. It may not fail without the embellishment but why take the risk? There is no need.
HG, you can take the risk. Life is more interesting when you take risks. Plus, you will prove to yourself just how lovable you are without the reflecting. With that voice, intelligence, and charm, anybody will be ensnared, by the real you. Try it once HG. Please?
Why not take a risk and try honesty once? Just to see how it feels, and how far you’d come, if nothing else.
You’re too set in your wretched ways. You need new, positive experiences to shake up your grey cells and stimulate them to create new neural networks! 🙂
What does the Narcissist want to hear, once the ensnarement has commenced?
Admiration, love, adoration, praise and similar manifestations of positive fuel. We also want to hear the descriptions which confirm the existence of the relevant traits we require (see Sitting Target) and also that you are becoming hooked on us.
If a target is not gushing praise, is inherently more reserved: will the N move on, or is he automatically going to shift gears and apply techniques aimed at negative fuel?
If someone is targeted there will not be a shift to draw negative fuel. The target may be passed over by some of our kind or we will persevere because there are other elements of the Prime Aims that are likely to be met.
I found the Prime Aims article, thank you. Your words organized/clarified some of my dangling thoughts on what could be fueling this person (and other Ns from my past and present). I am super-empathetic, and very passionate about certain things. These make me appear (for lack of a better explanation) “magical”, because passionate people are contagious, and can sometimes rally large groups to accomplish big things. Is it fair to say that Ns don’t understand the “passion” part? They understand that people are swayed by me, and see opportunities which they think will come to them if they latch on? And, I can’t leave out the part where they have to tear me down at every critical juncture to success! What fun is it to let someone shine at their big event, when you can make them cry as they walk out the door instead?!
They see that the Prime Aims can be achieved through somebody like you.
But how do you know that if you do not do this will be a failure?
Why take the risk?
Why do you in the first place think that THERE IS A RISK?
Because there may be a chance of the selected target not being swayed, therefore it makes sense to leave no room for doubt.
Where does the fear of not suceeding come from?
It was drummed into me repeatedly as a child.
Victoria aut morte.
Yes.But it was then..as a child …but not now..There are other ways to succeed without these strategies…I know I have asked youna thousand times: can you at least try to adapt your behaviour and look for other paths with less negative effects? Negative effects for the empath as well as negative effects for you: the risk of being abandoned again if you hurt and push too hard.
Keep reading and you will see what is happening in that regard Superxena.
Thank you for your answer HG. I am always rushing up…but I will wait and see!!!
When success equates love and attention from childhood on, it’s hard to detach from this way of being. That is how I understood love as a child. Not until adulthood, in my 30s, did I have an abrupt personal change that hit me like a truck. This moment, following the deaths of my parents, I found myself weeping hard as I stared at my CV and realized it was not me, this piece of paper and how angry I became that I was allowed to believe that. That love was an achievement rather that unconditional acceptance of another human for simply existing.
Wrong question, SX
I may be missing something…,but if you didn’t mirror and the “ensnarement” did succeed, wouldn’t that mean that she actually loved you for who you really are? Wouldn’t that be a big step to not having to worry so much about maintaining the facade? At least not in your private life?
But you did lie. All of it is a fabrication. It is cubic zirconia not a diamond. It is the convaluded rantings of someone like Anton LaVey. And if I had known that all I was seeing was myself, I would have given greater consideration to spending more time with the person who had such depth & warmth…I wasn’t looking for a mirror.
After a year I am still recovering from the realizations that the entire relationship was an illusion. So many things he said make sense to me now after reading these articles. The confusion they instilled still rock me from time to time.
Let’s be clear H.G. what you & other narcissists do is lie to acquire fuel. There’s no truth in the illusion because it’s an illusion and by its very essence is not real, even if the illusion is believed.
I think your comparison of the N’s synthetic love to a cubic zirconia is a really good one!
To play devil’s advocate for a min, cz is virtually the exact same thing as diamond. In fact, it could be argued that cz is better, as it is visually more perfect. Only specific tests/trained eyes can tell the difference, and seeing impurities is one of the known tells of a true diamond. The same can be said here of manufactured love, perfectly tailored, vs one that has the imperfections of another human.
Cz is still a real gem, and unaware narcs believe that the “love” they have is real. And who puts so much value on a chunk of rock such as a diamond to make it the standard gem we use anyway? This brings to my mind HG’s article on societal views of what love is, and the expectations we’re taught to have, that make it so easy for someone to fake and dupe us.
The only way to avoid this cz love in the future is to heal ourselves, do the inner work to make ourselves stronger and more able to spot those flags and tells. That’s the real challenge isn’t it? We don’t really like to admit that we’re just as messed up as they are if we’re staying in this poisonous symbiotic relationship or keep returning to them. Nor do we like to understand that they are just as traumatized and codependent as us, while also holding them accountable and not forgiving their transgressions. It’s so much easier to see things as good/bad, black/white. That’s another thing I appreciate about your blog, HG, you challenge those views.
Great post. Love your introspection and honesty. Not laying it all at their feet is the only way to heal.
oh, I understood just how traumatized my narc was. How he was coping/living with PTSD and didn’t even know it. But he was fully aware of his cynicism, his gaming people and knew exactly what he was doing with his “lyrics” as he called them. Exactly. Thats the big difference. I was always reacting in confusion and he was deliberately causing pain. He refuses to stop or find a different way in life or even try. When I stayed in a grey area of understanding him and finding compassion, it caused me more harm then to get very real and black and white about how evil (name of the blog) my narc was. However he got there, right now, its pure evil running around. Even HG is evil and only he knows when he will stop being that way and preying on people who are really unable to grasp people who deliberately hurt versus accidental hurting people through miscommunication and all. Its the calculated nature that I abhor in them. The plotting and deliberations
The truth can hurt brutally. And it has and does still sometimes (the fact that the love wasn’t real). But no matter what we may wish it is the truth and must be brutally accepted, faced and not denied.
As an aside I was just reading this:
Interesting. You’d be great at creating narc scenarios in VR. I’m sure you could find a way to make this further line your pockets Mr. Tudor.
So sad! Not a life at all. I’m glad I’ve been given the opportunity to move on, grow and learn from my experience. I know it’s okay and good to feel love again, especially for myself.
And yet the narc resented me calling him a monster. Go figure.
HG, how much of this did and do you do? I can’t tell if all is your behaviors or if some is and you embellish alot with stories you might have read of narc abuse victims.
It is accurate from my experience.
Are you saying without the love construct, there is nothing but hatred and hostility?
This is is so honest and cuts me deeply , I know those words and looks of love all to well , I believed them because I wanted to , I needed to. He was my kryptonite. I’m not sure I’ve ever loved that hard or deep so I’m not sure I will ever fully recover , but I have accepted that he just cannot love me , love anyone and I’m sad to say that includes himself .
I hadn’t cried in a while, but this one got the tears flowing. Tears mostly because that type of love really doesn’t exsist and I will carry this empty shell for the rest of my life
HG, is being a Greater narcissist sort of the same as being an accomplished con artist? I mean, you’re really running con after con only it’s not for money.
In essence yes.
You see the issue is that many of us having been waiting our whole damn lives to feel the feeling you could give us. You made it seem as if you had been waiting for it too, and that you found it in us.
That’s why it burns so much to learn that it was a lie. And a lie, for what? Fuel? So that you can feel … what? Life? Or that you are larger than Life?
I really want to know.
See Fuel and also Fury to expand on the necessity of the gaining of fuel.
You are so right about us waiting for someone that we felt so deeply for and that it was reciprocated.
Cognitive dissonance is a bitch and it drives you mad you’re left hopelessly trying to figure out how both could possibly be true. You certainly don’t want to believe that the worst is. It is.
This post unexpectedly made me cry. I guess I still struggle with completely accepting the fact that the ‘love’ was synthetic. I look forward to they day when the tears and hurt are finally a memory.
Made me cry too. For the same pain.
Do all schools of narcissists engage in this behaviour of stalking and gathering of information before the seduction?
Lesser often do not and if they do, it is at a basic level. It is more the preserve of Mid-Range and Greater.