In The Picture

IN

 


I love the first picture that I ever saw of you. It was not one taken by me although there will be hundreds of those in due course. A multiplicity of snapshots which have been taken to show the world how wonderful you and me are together. Each one carefully configured on my part to send a message. See who I am now taking to your favourite restaurant? Look how we went to Rome when you always wanted to go? How about that? I have gone to the theatre when I told you I hated watching plays. See how we get on with my family? Go on, look at how happy she is making me, far more than you ever did. No, those pictures, whilst valuable to me and my machinations do not come close to how I marvel over that first picture of you.

Was it instead a picture you sent me? One of the hundreds I asked for, begged for and demanded? At first I wanted them to show to you how you were always in my mind ( thus ensuring I became a fixture in your mind). I also wanted those racier photographs that I persuaded you to take for me. Initially I used them for titillation although the real motive was to store them away and use them as a method of forceful coercion further down the line. You know me, always thinking of the next move. Later I requested you send me photos under the guise of wanting to look on your beauty when the reality was that I wanted to ensure you were where you said you were (you never really noticed how I asked for you to stand under the sign of the bars you went in or the name of the store you were shopping in or next to the friends you had told me you had gone to visit)

No, the first picture of you, the one I love the most is the one I first came upon when I searched for you online. It might have been your profile picture from an internet dating sight, your twitter banner picture or one you posted on Facebook. It could have been in the local press or a still from a youtube video. Either way, it was not one I had taken and it was not one that I had requested you take for me. I love that picture as I look on your engaging smile, the radiance emanating from it like solar flares from the sun, illuminating and bringing warmth all around you. Your skin is flawless and healthy, blooming with effervescence. Those long tresses of hair swinging to one side, or the bounce of your bob, or the neat rigidity of that fringe, all conveying that message of freedom and having been chosen by you. Your eyes shine, happiness exploding from them, the colour vibrant and elation searing from your gaze. I look on that picture that is burgeoning with potential, laden with possibility and exuding hope. You are a beacon of purity, decency and affection. Your caring nature cascades from that picture. You are that virgin empath, unsullied by my toxicity and untouched by my polluting influence.

Whenever I look on that first picture of you as the surge begins inside me and soars fast and fierce. I must have you. I remember again why I had to have you.

I see fresh prey.

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8 thoughts on “In The Picture”

  1. This made me gasp and then hold my breath. I still remember him saying things like “I see your soul in that picture it’s not just the fact that you’re beautiful but I can see your soul I feel like I am getting the true essence of you from that picture”….and then he spun it into some comparison from a movie where a dying character is looking upon an angel. I guess that was a canned romantic line that indicates “fresh prey”…

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    1. Gabrielle,

      I feel for your story. After knowing my ex-narc for a short period of one month, I discovered two to three drawings of my eyes; including one that looked as though it had been drawn from a distance. Upon discovery, he proclaimed that there was, “..something in your eyes that captured an essence that I want.” Which was tantalizing to hear at that age but somewhat creepy. My alarm bells went off but alas, many here have similar stories of not knowing until the proverbial shit hits the fan.

      Kind of makes your skin crawl but hearing those kinds of love proclamations are always enticing when skepticism flies out the window – which is common in love affairs. What movie was that?

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      1. KDB,
        I am drawing a blank on the movie…..I know there are many though.
        That is creepy about the eyes. Mine used to always compliment my eyes and call them “exquisite”. I was so enamored with him that I used to stare at him constantly….looking into HIS eyes. There were times he would look away from me and I would ask what was wrong. He would then roll his eyes in a comical way and laugh and say “you are so beautiful….gosh do not look at me like that I cannot take it” and then laugh and tickle me, play wrestle, things like that.

        I wonder if he could not deal with the fact that his eyes were empty and the fact that mine were actually full of love and emotion….I bet it freaked him out and he had to look away. I don’t know I am speculating here.

        The final time I was intimate with him I looked into his eyes as he looked back at me and they were stone cold BLACK. 🙁

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      2. Gabrielle,

        No worries! Interesting, about the staring into his eyes for extended periods. I wonder what that means in this case. I often got flustered at the intensity of his gaze and would try to change the subject or move to something less hypnotizing. There were moments, well more like subtle hints, of what was taking place as time progressed. Yet ignoring them was forefront due to my head over heels tendency.

        There was a large triangle going on between me, his ex, and one other that I had no clue about. Then, one day, he brought the unknown female around. Being young and naive, I thought it was some weird test to prove the worth of my love. Low self worth didn’t help. Little did I know, he was just sitting there soaking up the negativity as it wounded me and I wounded him in front of her. First time I saw something dark and ghostlike in his eyes.

        When we started splitting up, and the last time I saw him, that was when I saw that black gaze. Didn’t stop him from denying my exit however. With promises of more. Crocodile tears of needing help. As for love making, the display wasn’t immediate. His eyes were quite focused but looking back, it very well could have been the effect of “I see myself here.” Also speculation.

        Don’t worry, I hope you heal. I’m still working on my own weaknesses it seems…stay strong.

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  2. I could write 10 paragraphs about how this pertained to myself and the ones that were before me, during me and after me…..All I will say is the old “Hind site 20/20” thing…

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  3. Hello H G ,
    I remember how there was this one picture of me which was my Facebook profile picture and also on my Real Estate business card’s.
    He said how he loved the picture so much because it captured my inner light and essence. He said how beautiful I looked in it.
    Now I see those remarks for what they really out.
    No doubt why he chose me.

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  4. “Initially I used them for titillation although the real motive was to store them away and use them as a method of forceful coercion further down the line.”
    The Scrapbook! 😱😱😱

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