Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control. The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object. There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation. Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other. We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist. These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell. If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them. You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

10 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation

  1. Maria says:

    The first triangulation he admitted ( i was oblivious of what he was ) was after 3 years (probabily he had also another secondary source by then.. )
    out of the blue ( after a short period of weird behaviour ) when i asked him what was the problem he said to me:
    ” i am obsessed with your daughter”..
    i have an older daughter, had her when i was sixteen… she lives abroad..
    after that i should have reflected seriousely…
    but i laughed..
    .. . but the nagging thought …

  2. Kristin says:

    I became best friends with and saved both the other woman and myself. My children with the N also love the other woman and he hates it. What is this doing to him? Should i be prepared for something plotted against me…

  3. Mona says:

    My personal devil triangulated all the time. Everyone. His friends, his parents, his women. even his customers some times. When someone said to him: ” You play tricks and games.” he usually said: “No games. I`ve made that clear.”

  4. Narc affair says:

    Ive experienced so much triangulation and intentional yet i still see the good in this narc. The triangulation seems to come and go in cycles. Its settled down quite a bit but i know it can crop up at any time.
    Hes talked a lot about a certain celeb. Normally id not care but he sends me pics of her and what shes wearing in headlines etc. Its over the top and is definitely intentional. Back before i knew he was a narcissist or what narcissism was i was direct and said to him how it made me feel. He got weird about it and said ok but then some passive aggressiveness happened afterwards and he grew temporarily distant.
    Hes traiangulated me with other women but knowing what i do now i let it slide off me. I think it comes up when hes insecure over something. Thats the pattern ive seen.
    Its hard for me to pass blame in regards to this when im triangulating but not intentionally to hurt anyone. It is tho and triangulation isnt right intentional or not. It causes anxiety and emotinal pain 🙁

  5. Liz says:

    Hi HG,

    Does a mid-range realize that they are triangulating? Or is this form of control and manipulation intentional?


    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is largely instinctive. Where it is calculated he does not regard it as triangulation but rather protecting himself.

  6. He told me ‘do not advertise our time together online’, and then he accused me of having done that later, and both his mother and him shut me off. I had no idea what just had happened.
    I found out much later that another woman he’s been apparently triangulating me with has been always changing her profile photo on the day they met, and making insinuating comments about it.
    It’s like trying to learn sign language with your kind.

  7. Gabrielle says:

    Here is where I get confused again. None of these have really happened to me. Maybe it is because him and I were long distance. #3 may have happened a few times but that is about it.

    I do remember one conversation we had where he told me very graphically that he was trying to cut back on his frequent habit of masturbation. While I did not mind him sharing this I was curious why it came up in conversation. So I asked him why he was sharing that information and his reply was “well I find when I masturbate too frequently that it takes me a lot longer to climax during actual sex. And I want to be able to climax with my wife. Oh and also with you too.” And he said it so casually, like it was no big deal to him . Would this be considered an example of triangulation? It is the only thing I can apply to my situation with him.

  8. Aura Gael says:

    Would it be correct to say then that the greater would say these things intentionally then?

    Pertaining to family though: my sister used to get all bent when I’d either tell her no or not give a yes answer right away. However, she would act like things were fine for the rest of the conversation or visit, giving no indication she was bothered by this.

    I only knew this upset her because I’d get a phone call from my mother no more than a day later to discuss what should’ve only been between my sister and me.

    My mom would pile on the guilt trips and sales pitches about family and be so obviously on my sister’s side, not respecting my decision or time to make it, nor considering how I felt.

    Would this be considered triangulation? If not, is there a term for it…besides f’d up? Lol.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A Greater would do so intentionally, yes.

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