What Goes on Below
“Do that again and you will regret it.”
Those are the words which I will speak in about five minutes, but I am getting ahead of myself.
Welcome to my court. Here I am, sat at my rightful place at the head of the table. Prominent, elevated and overseer of those that have been magnanimously invited to look upon me and bask in their admiration of my glory. I sit, fork in one hand and knife in the other. There is food on my plate but I pay it no regard as I did not prepare it. Instead I am smiling. That rich, bountiful smile of the generous ruler that I am as I allow my subjects to draw close to me and experience a fragment of what it is like to be as brilliant as me. I know I am brilliant because right now the flames of power are high and bright inside of me. They are strong, they are intense and the power they imbue is washing back and forth over me, causing this rictus grin to become affixed to my face. I could not remove this smile even if I wanted to because it has been plastered there by the power that is coursing through me. This power is edifying and invigorating, twisting flames which dart and climb inside of me so that I feel as if I am taking off. I have to fight to remain in my seat as I want to leap onto the table, booted feet scattering plates and glasses as I allow this power to overwhelm me and I surge towards a higher place and thus empowered I will speak to those assembled and dazzle them. My mind races, thoughts fighting with one another. I see the smiling faces, the open mouths denoting laughter, I can hear the delight and amusement that I have caused amongst my dinner guests. I did that. I had all eyes on me, those eyes widening with interest and adoration as I regaled my anecdote to the guests. Each focused pair of eyes, the expressions of concentration, the rapt attention that was flowing my way, the mouths closed, set silent not daring to nor needing to interrupt me, all demonstrated that I was the sole attraction here. As my own eyes looked from face to face, never truly distinguishing who each person was, I drank in the fuel. It was not the recognition of who those people are but rather the emotions that I could see, hear and sense. Each look of admiration, each closed mouth which told me that the floor was mine and they had no need to interrupt as they wanted to listen, from each of the people sat around the table caused fuel to flow towards me, just as I wanted. Here, in my court, sat in my throne, I am surrounded by my lieutenants and members of my coterie. These inner circle individuals who are supportive, respectful and loyal to me because they know how fortunate they are to be associated with me. Their laughter, delight and admiration flows around the room, like fuel in a tank and I want it all. How wonderful this power is, how it enables me to shine and dazzle so I receive even more of this precious resource. I nod slowly in recognition, almost able to see the pipelines which lead from each guest to me. I can picture the golden, sparkling fuel as it is pumped towards me, ready to feed those flames of power and then I see it.
Your pipeline is empty. Nothing flows along it. That is when I see that you are not laughing, you are not even smiling at my entertaining recollection. Instead, your eyes show you are bored and you have just rolled them as I delivered the flourish of the conclusion to my tale. In that instant the flames become doused. They are snuffed out and suddenly the power that they created is starting to ebb and I can feel myself falling, sinking and then that sensation of unease begins to spread, from the centre of my chest and radiating outwards. You are sat there seemingly unmoved by my anecdote but not only that you have chosen to signal to me that not only does it not entertain you, but it bored you. I can feel the wound caused by your bored look. It pains me, evidence of the criticism which you have sent my way, unjustified and unwarranted.
Then it happens. I feel the ignition as the fury has a spark set to it. The rage begins to climb inside of me. I can feel its effect trying to twist my face into a snarl but I have to control it. Important members of my façade are here, it would not do to explode as I feel like I must do so and let you know what you have done to me. I want to pick up this crystal glass and hurl it from my end of the table to your end so it strikes you on the forehead and knocks you from your seat. I want to smash a plate over your head but I must control these manifestations of the rage that is rising inside of me. I know I can. I have done it many times before. Thankfully nobody else has seen your treacherous behaviour and I manage to shift my blackening gaze from you to the lady to my left and she is continuing to smile. Yes, smile for me Helen, smile, yes, good.
“That was hilarious, I love your stories,” she remarks as she cuts at the meat on her plate.
I feel power returning from this fuel she has provided for me. Thank you Helen, thank you, I knew I could rely on you. Yes, and you as well Tom, good, sweet Tom who never fails to laugh at everything I say and is still doing so. I can feel the rage being beaten back by this additional fuel which continues to fuel. I blink twice, caught between the receding fury and the gathering power from the fuel. I can sense the relief as the power begins to wash over me again as I avoid looking at you and keep drinking in the fuel from my friends, my good, kind and loyal friends. They know what to do. They would not betray me, not like you. I am beginning to wonder why I even bother with you now. It is not as if you contribute much over dinner anyway. I would have thought that you would have realised that it is your role to support me and allow me to shine, but you seem not to want to do that do you? I don’t know why. It is not as if I have not been kind to you, too kind maybe, perhaps you need reminding of why you exist? Yes, a prompt reminder is called for. I would cut you down right now with a scything comment but that might fracture the façade. After all, nobody saw what you did and I am not so stupid as to do something which damages everybody’s favourable impression of me. No, my acidic tongue, although itching to lash out at you, for the fury is still there, albeit diminishing, will stay still in my mouth at this dinner table. I continue to drink in the fuel, feeling powerful, emboldened and engorged. I can tell Helen is interested in me and why not? Perhaps a promotion is on the cards for her, moving her from inner circle friends to intimate partner and installation as primary source. She would relish the opportunity. I have no doubt about that.
I am forced to put consideration of a personnel change to one side as I see you leave the table and head towards the kitchen. Here is my chance.
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen,” I smile again as I stand. All eyes swing my way again, expectation dancing in them.
“I have some more wine for you.”
There is a cheer and the fuel flows further for me at this delighted reaction to my largesse. The flames are climbing now as I leave the table and the chatter of the guests behind and enter the kitchen where you are about to pick up the tiered cake that you have created for pudding. You whip around as soon as you sense my presence and your eyes are round as you have anticipated what is coming. Good, you recognise my greatness and it does not create defiance but rather uncertainty and fear. I can see your concern etched across your face.
“Do that again and you will regret it,” I say slowly, my eyes staring straight at yours, my gaze impenetrable and darkening. You shrink back as I loom over you. I can feel the flames rising as the negative fuel pumps from you, your fear and apprehension just what I wanted.
“Do what?” you reply.
“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I hiss and this makes you jump. The flames lick a little higher.
“I don’t know what you mean,” you protest. You are rooted to the spot but leaning away from me, your body language fuelling me as it displays your obvious unease.
“Yes you do, how dare you fucking roll your eyes at me,” I press.
“Are you saying I am making it up?”
“No, no, I just I er, “you start to flounder, caught between wanting to cling to the truth, truth-seeker that you are and cautious of enraging me further.
“You just what? Spit it out,” I command.
I want to smile as I delight in your apprehension and the simple exhibition of my power over you. In an instant I have drawn my negative fuel from you and stunned you into confused silence. Power indeed.
“Well?” I urge. I am enjoying this. This is all good fuel.
“Nothing. I am sorry, I must have been distracted by something else, I have a lot on my mind with work, you know, I will push it to one side and enjoy the evening, I am sorry.”
Your apology strengthens the flames. I hold your gaze a little longer as your eyes flick from my left eye to my right eye as if you expect to find approval or forgiveness in them.
“You better had,” I say softly as I continue to look at you, “otherwise you know what will happen?”
I extend the forefinger on my left hand and slowly and deliberately push it into the sponge of the cake, my digit driving into the yielding cake. Your eyes stare at the gesture as your mouth tightens in fear. I remove my finger leaving a deep and obvious indentation in the top of the cake as I lick my finger clean. I continue to stare at you and wait.
There it is the compliance I sought.
The fuel flows and now I can turn and return to my waiting admirers having ensured you understand who is the master and who is the servant.
No raised voices. No smashed plates. No slamming doors.
Façade maintained and fuel obtained.
This is what goes on below.
101 thoughts on “What Goes on Below”
What do you feel when you have tried to devalue someone, say their happy face or just their face, who is then unperturbed and gives a “you’d understand if you knew what love was” kind of look?
This seemed to wound a lot of narcissists but I don’t know if they acted it. It is probably the best weapon.
The one thing I seemed to have over them, always, was a secret of knowing an experience they couldn’t have. This included all of the information gathered from being able to have empathy. Because many a dinner table conversation, the narcissists showed incredulity at my explanations of others. Sometimes they seemed to not know they were being lied to, and other times they had overstated the other person’s intentions, as malicious, etc.
This is likely to lead to an alternative manipulation being applied through the ignition of fury.
Not at all. Why would I shift the blame? Blame for what, exactly? Have tried to be nice, but you are overreacting to everything I say.
Come on now….Who of us is above the typo these days , i ask. !
U go for intent these days….
Show some grace…
Don’t be a looser!
The death threats i received when i spoiled (at the very beginning) his plan to seduce one of my female friend on facebook ..after that he gave me 2 years of hell on earth..
Even Satan would blush at that..
and now he is back with love declarations???
what the hell???
I am sickened, but i am playing the game, as i do not consider myself a looser..
I wounded him so many times.. Unintentionally. I wouldn’t do it if I would know then what I know now..
So correct me if I’m wrong but those who said they would throw the cake or act violently or viciously in some way…would that not only
1- give lots of fuel but also
2 – make themselves look to be the crazy aggresive abusive one
Especially if it was done at a dinner party in front of guests.
Perfect opportunity for the real abuser to play the victim, gain sympathy and have the guests side with the narc.
Probably would of been better to pick up the cake with the big thumb hole in it and announce to the guests with a big smile that “old drunky in there has had a few too many gins and was going to topple over and grabbed the cake” or clumbsy or fatty or greedy….some humiliating passive aggressive put down said in a jovial manner so as not to seem mean or rude but enough to point the blame.
I agree. Throwing the cake would give him fuel. It would be better to simply ignore and walk away, I suppose.
I agree with the first part of your comment but not with your last paragraph.
You wrote: “Probably would of been better to pick up the cake with the big thumb hole in it and announce to the guests with a big smile that “old drunky in there has had a few too many gins and was going to topple over and grabbed the cake” or clumbsy or fatty or greedy….some humiliating passive aggressive put down said in a jovial manner so as not to seem mean or rude but enough to point the blame.”
The guests will not believe you because they have not seen what he did. They only know *the charming side* of your narcissist. Unless your guests are a group of drunk Lessers or passive-aggressive Lower Mid-Rangers, they will ask themselves how you can be so mean to embarrass such a ‘nice guy’ in front of them. They will think you are the rude one. In my opinion, reacting to the narcissist’s behaviour calling him “old drunky/clumsy/fatty”, even if you are being sarcastic (put-down humour), is fuel because you are showing the narcissist you are angry and annoyed.
That there’s fightin words!! Try that crap on me now, and you’ll wear that cake!!
Fuel it might be, but the embarrassment would be worth ‘something’ to me….
Ohh treasure the thought!!
Thanks HG. (But dont even go there! Lol.) 😉
My N was raging on Friday as I kept yawning during his ‘speeches’ around the office. I have realised this now. I could see one of his eyes through the corner of his monitor examining me. I swear he reminds me of a puma, at times, preying on me.
This actually reminds me of an incident that happened long ago, it’s actually humiliating for me to write. We had gone to a store and one of those door greeters said their usual good morning how are you spiels. He loved door greeters and used to always say how they were there to welcome him and his presence, and how much they admired him. Anyways on this particular day he decided to give this poor door greeter a facinating( to him) description of everything he had done so far that morning, from the breakfast he ate , to the toothpaste he used to the brand of socks he put on , to the important calls he decided to accept. You could see the door greeters eyes kind of glaze over and by now I was on to who he was and was becoming bored of it… and yes I think I let out a sigh and may have looked heavenward.Well he caught it and raged right there in the store. Called me every name in the book while looking around, almost like he wanted to make sure everyone was watching him humiliate me.Then when he noticed I wasn’t reacting in the slightest he actually said.. ” get down on your hands and knees and beg for be like the dog u are bitch.” That caused a reaction of a huge guy who did not appreciate him speaking to me in that way.. and so on. I grabbed my car keys and walked out. He came back home to a moving van and movers clearing his things out of my home. Unfortunately tho… 7 months later I did let him back after he claimed he had gotten help and was on medication.But of course those were lies( shocker)Lessons learned tho.
“There it is. The compliance i sought. ”
This is what he lives for…. he’s trying still… through the kids…
@HG, by all means…be my guest!
Hi Ursula (from Germany)….United States girl here. 🙂
The one I was entangled with (same country different state) was a 13 hour car ride (or a 2 hour air flight) away. I, like you is/was a long distance dirty secret. In the beginning I was part of his life to the detail of each moment. I may as well have had my phone glued to my ear or my fingers glued to the keyboard. We pretty much followed along with one another through our entire day as if we were right there. Constant pics back and forth (both of the regular selfie variety AND naughty variety), audio recordings and video (of the regular day to day things PLUS of the naughty variety), emails/texts/phone calls (again regular and sexual)….and yes the What’s App! He would NEVER text me with the regular SMS on his phone and if he did it was rare….nope! It had to be What’s App! And all phone calls needed to be pre-planned because he had to be sure he was alone and his wife was not there (he said she kept him on a short leash as she knew of his prior infidelity and forgave him).
In the beginning of things, I knew everything, every thought he had, every moment. Eventually he refused to fill me in, share anything or tell me what was wrong (but always said that it was NOT me and it was him….but then later telling me that “sometimes” it was me. That he loved me but I made him “WEARY”.)
Our sexual encounters were similar….he would say “no more sex, it is causing me too much guilt” but he never meant it. He went from relishing and praising my media, from “OMG you are so hot I need to go take care of myself” to “stop sending me naughty pics, the inappropriateness has has stop, my guilt is making me mentally unhinged…”
When I complimented him I would hear things like “I cannot believe you feel this way about me, this is amazing and so overwhelming I do not deserve this or you”….later on “I am one year of your life and you are hopelessly devoted to me! You do NOT know me well enough to love me. You are to STOP telling me you love me, I will not hear that any further!”
Our scheduled phone calls were removed and stopped. “I am breaking the mold of your expectations! I am NOT yours! I love my wife! But I CARE about you!”
“I love you” was removed and replaced with “I am sorry I do not love you, I wish I did…I wish I did so that you would not be hurt but I still care about you”…..later on after an email hoover it was “I will always love you, and if you love me you will give me space….”
In terms of future faking I did not get too much of that due to my distance. The dirty secret predecessor (before me) got more of the future faking than I did as she was local to him in the same state and only about an hour away from where he lived. When our relationship began he smeared the hell out of her. She was a psycho, she was crazy, he was living a double life with her and she expected too much from him…..(like he said to me later on hahaha)…. and the guilt nearly “destroyed him”. He said was in love with her though and almost left his wife to be with her until he “came to his senses” (aka: someone caught him canoodling with her and blackmailed him until he confessed it to his wife according to his story)….and at that point he had an epiphany and said “I will never leave my wife….I will die without her”. He then told me he was never leaving his wife for me BUT he still wanted me in whatever way he could have me as long as it did not infringe upon his marriage. Basically he went back and forth between keeping me as a side dish and then having this awful guilt where he said he needed to focus on the wife (and their child and wanting to have another child with her). I had an email consult with HG who told me this was all a bunch of crap and he was just manipulating me to act like he was the victim, to triangulate me with her. That he does not feel the guilt at all, it was just an excuse to discard me and push me away.
He even changed his story about the ex later on by saying when the affair with her was exposed that they never spoke again! Then a few months later he said that he still kept in touch with her! When I questioned why and brought up what he said he denied it and then said “Well Gabrielle, I had her believing that I was going to be with her. I hurt her just like I hurt my wife. I have a life debt to her to be there for her when and if she needs me” (is that a nice way of saying he needs to hoover her when he feels the need?)
Through the email consult I had and reading of HG’s blog and books, I’ve classified him as a cerebral mid range. Holy hell is he one intelligent charming devil. He always prided himself in sounding like a therapist. He loved analyzing me and telling me all about why I am the way I am, and why he was drawn to me. “I think I have a tendency to attract those who are damaged”. In the beginning he went on and on how I was a wonderful person….the best person and how he was a horrible person. Later on it was “You’re questioning my love for you? I kept talking to you despite your red flags of crazy. Why would I have done that unless I loved you? You need medication and a therapist!” And then he even said “I am going to see a therapist too to end my inappropriate behavior” This was after telling me he was “immune to psychological analysis”. So manipulative, everything he said he then “unsaid” or changed it up.
And around and around it kept on going. I only wonder what goes on with his wife behind closed doors if he can manipulate me like this. As I said earlier I’d love to be a “fly on the wall” just to see. If only to open my eyes further. I still go back and forth like none of this is real. I see the light but then it goes dark again. Do you know what I mean?
Dearest Gabrielle, thank you so very much for relating your story. This is very valuable for me. I will have to go through it in detail this evening.
For the moment, let me only relate two things:
More than once it happened that after a brief sexual encounter I received an Sms on Whatsapp stating:
“I’m feeling bad and have such a bad consience towards my girl friend. I can’t do this to her anymore. I have to set you free. I love you but this is going to break me!” Then two weeks of silent treatment…
90 Percent of all the abuse was executed via Whatsapp. I tried to withdraw from Whatsapp several times. But he coaxed me back to return to Whatsapp and then blocked me for traditional Sms and Phone calls… leaving only the Whatsapp-Channel open for me where he could triangulate and stalk me with ease…
We never had a period of closeness and intimacy together. Right after the seduction he began to blow hot and cold…
He didn’t tell me his family name and where he was living. I had to do a detective’s work and find out on the internet… He told me the house where he was having his rendez-vous with me would belong to a friend of his. It was not before six months that I found out that it was his own house…
I never had a Golden Period. Only Parts of a Golden Period.
I am blogging my Story. In German Language, unfortunately, as my English isn’t good enough.
Eventually a friend will help me to translate my Blog in English.
The title is: Barefoot on Broken Glass/ Barfuss auf zerbrochenem Glas.
Good Luck. Great Hugs!
Yes Gabrielle, I know exactly what you mean!!!
I always wanted to be a doormat lying under his bed or a picture hanging on his wall in order to find out how he was living his every day life…
And how many secondary sources he was inviting in, whilst giving me the silent treatment…
I know what you mean. I was in the same boat exactly, also 2 hour flights away but we saw each other fairly regularly. I was not a dirty little secret though, I would never be able to do that. I am not sure if I was an IPSS or an IPPS. I was discarded in Feb. He is a middle midranger somatic according to HG. The pattern you describe sounds similar. However he never smeared anyone to me. He also told me he went back to his ex and triangulate excessively. Also said things like if you love me you will let me be happy with her. She has his child. I feel much better than I did back in Feb but still can’t help but wish to be hoovered. Back in feb I felt like I was losing my mind trying to make sense of it all. This blog and consultations with HG have helped tremendously. How long have you been together? Did he try to hoover you back?
Mid range cerebral here! Oh the charm and the intelligence with the big vocabulary to boot! I keep telling myself that if I lived closer I might’ve not been a dirty secret anymore the way he gallivanted around with the ex (my predecessor)… she was a dirty secret but he claimed that he almost made her “primary source” (aka: said that he almost left his wife for her)….
He has discarded me like clockwork every two months or so going back to last summer August and then October and December and February. But he always Hoovered within 1-2 weeks, a month at most. I had an email hoover in March of ” I will always love you and if you love me you’ll give me space”. And like a fool that’s exactly what I did. It’s been about a month with no communication. He’s the one who initiated no contact. I was always the one to reach out first though but I’m not going to anymore. He hasn’t made a move yet and it’s been the longest we’ve gone without talking. I have no idea what’s going to happen or when it’s going to happen. I had a consult with HG and he told me that it would eventually happen, always happens it’s just a matter of when.
So far our entire relationship has been a little over a year.
This would never work with me. Overt intimidation? I wish a narc would!
I avoid ugly confrontation for the simple reason that my ugly is a 3 headed serpent that will come at you from all angles (makes me wonder what kind of empath I am) – and I can’t stop it. I don’t care who’s present.
Corner me in the kitchen like that, and your esteemed guests will get some entertainment they never bargained for.
Forgive my grammatical errors HG, but I think I was nervous while writing. Wow, that is great writing when you can invoke such emotions from your readers!
OMG! HG I was feeling terrified just reading about it. I would have reacted the same-petrified. Thank God I was only with a UMRN and I never felt fear only fear of the silent treatment and him leaving. Not the fear I felt reading this. So well written that I truly felt I was in the room
With you, HG, I would only want to be a close friend because I don’t think I could handle encountering that scene. I would not have been able to fake it as I walked back to the diner guest, my face would have definitely have shown my distraught emotions. Just curious, what happened after the diner party, did you give her the silent treatment or was the negative fuel enough to let it go? I love your articles but sometimes you leave us hanging. . .
She was compliant and no further action was required on that occasion.
“You shrink back as I loom over you. I can feel the flames rising as the negative fuel pumps from you, your fear and apprehension just what I wanted….”
“You are rooted to the spot but leaning away from me, your body language fuelling me as it displays your obvious unease. …”
“I hold your gaze a little longer as your eyes flick from my left eye to my right eye as if you expect to find approval or forgiveness in them. … ”
I sincerely appreciate these detailed descriptions in your writings showing how our body language can provide a narcissist with negative fuel.
Most of the information available (from other authors) on fuel is about positive and sometimes negative fuel of the overt kind (words of admiration, approval or rejection) but rarely about negative fuel of the more subtle kind like body language showing irritation, annoyance, frustration, nervousness, awkwardness, unease or even fear. Although I am not perfect at keeping a neutral facial expression and my back straight, I do not give up.
I would not roll my eyes if I loved my partner and knew his ego was too fragile to handle this ‘criticism’. I would not give a fake smile either if his lame story I have heard a million times before bored me. I would either zone out in my mind or busy myself with party host duties. I would let him have his bath in adoration, undisturbed.
However, if his attitude towards me had changed over time, and he was no longer treating me with love and respect, I would be very tempted to roll eyes and sigh just to ruin this moment with his club of sheep. Just because I can, and because I know how much he is dependent on it! No fearful submission or apology in the kitchen either. I’d probably drew near and whispered in his ear if he did not shut up *immediately*, I would feel compelled to raise my voice, and he surely would not want an ugly scene in front of his friends, would he? That should put him in his place for the rest of the evening…. Though I wonder what he would do when the last guest left.
And what is the moral of the story? Know the signs, keep them out of your heart and home!
But then again, I don’t roll the eyes. I am well educated, that’s not something you do, no matter what is going on.
That’s not the kind of thing that works with me, I am very dangerous to confront openly, because I am right, simple.
If you threaten me indenting the cake, then expect to wear that cake on top of your head.
One night I went home and my father was waiting for me in the garage, to beat the crap out of me and to tell me the worst possible things.
There was his car parked in the garage, a nice shining marcedes….when I saw him I picked up a gardening tool, big and made of steel. As soon as he opened his mouth I told him if he put a hand on me I would have crashed his beautiful mercedes in 2 seconds, and I meant it.
From that day on I was going around the house armed with gardening tools.
Thanks, I will use alternatives.
You can’t, you are locked behind a glass screen tied by your rules.
Would you really want to move into the unknown with me?
My geografical position is kind of out of reach.
Have a nice weekend 🙂
Nowhere is out of reach.
Your father sounds just like my father
I believe you 🙂
I have seen this. We were having a meal in the restaurant and I recalled a situation he was involved in at our workplace earlier. I made an innocent and funny I thought comment about it. He gave me long, cold and intimidating stare and then he said: ‘ Do that again and I will walk out the restaurant ‘. I apologised and we have continued in silence for a while. Since then I was always very careful about what i say and how I say it. I now understand that what I did was a criticism from his perspective.
A broken wing,
Your comment reminded me of many similar experiences but in reverse. It’s always me who coldly states, “Do(say) that again and I will leave.” No one ever apologizes. My narcs usually just get irritated and change the subject or make a comment about me being crazy. They do always stop whatever way they were needling me for negative fuel. It’s been years since I actually had to get up and leave.
My narc, too, likes to remind everyone around that he is a ‘king’.
When I would engage in discussion with mine I said something like “Oh really? And what makes you think that?” and he replied “Well because I am God! Hahahaha just kidding!” I thought nothing of it. I see now I was way wrong!
I think I am the only person who doesn’t find my N’s jokes, or whatever that is that comes out of his mouth, funny anymore. I can’t help it. I can see it on his face, and especially in his eyes, that he rages inside. His eyes become foggy, and there seem to be this darkness around them. Yesterday, for instance, he spent 2 hours trying to get a reaction from me by talking to another female. He almost flipped because I did not react. What am I supposed to do? Run to him and clap while shouting: you are so awesome!! He will give me the silent treatment again, that’s what will happen. I’m starting to hate him. I hope, though, that soon I will be left with no feelings towards him, not even hate.
We ourselves do to a lot of dirty work for you. Look at April 22 AT /:46 AM.
Dearest dearest Mona! Thank you so very much.
It was only yesterday that I was triangulated with the erotic selfies of a twenty year old girl on lanzarote he is seducing actually …
I know their way of instrumentalising private pictures…
Great consolation to me to read about your experiences…
Great Hugs… U.
Oh the naughty media that I sent back-and-forth. At first he loved it and can’t get enough of it. Later on it was ” you are to stop sending me naughty pictures, the Guilt is too much”. I question if he was going to keep the pictures or delete them. He became very sympathetic and said “don’t worry honey, I didn’t keep them I will never do that to you, I’d never make you worry”. Like an idiot I believed him. And while I haven’t seen any pictures of myself online or have been alerted to any pictures of me showing up online I still wonder to this day if he was telling me the truth or if someday these pictures are going to come back to haunt me. 🙁
I was a dirty secret and he went to extraordinary lengths to keep me hidden and often told me that his wife could never find out, so by applying this logic I’m really hoping that the pictures will never surface . But I’ll never really know will I?
Dear Gabrielle, really one never knows.
My narc used to delete my selfies on a regular basis after discussions or quarrells and told me afterwards. Eventually I learned that this deleting of pictures to him was an equivalent of killing me.
It was his reaction to perceived criticism to destroy my pictures and thus virtually “me”.
Hello Ursula, I am so glad, that my experience could help you. Then this awful experience has some kind of sense. That comforts me too a little bit. Best wishes
Yes Mona, your description of your experiences and your answering me helped me through a very tearful Sunday today!
Back to this topic. I have never seen this kind of behaviour by my narc. If I had seen it like that I would have gone, because it is too obvious. My narc was a little more subtle. The dirty work did others for him, although they did not know what happened. He learnt it from his parents.
I remember a situation on a family event, very early in our relationship. His father told a “funny” story, how his wife hid herself in the toilet, because she was afraid he would beat her; she just had damaged their car totally. He focused on that situation that she was in the toilet and he would never ever beat her. We all laughed about it, it sounded really funny and she had no other possibility than to laugh with us. I did not know at that moment that she came from a violent family background,where strokes were usual each day. So we all laughed about her fear and made her real fear and her real pain behind that event ridiculous. We helped him to humiliate his wife. I heard this story not only once. He used it from time to time to humiliate her. The message behind was:” Never forget, where you come from. You have to be happy with me, although I cheat on you, I spent your money, I humiliate you. I am the boss. The only thing, I do not, is to beat you.”
I didn’t see this type of behavior from my narc either but then again I was a long-distance dirty little secret. I almost wish I could be a “fly on the wall” sometimes where he is to have a glimpse as to what he does. He’s known to everyone as the “nice polite guy”, the ” nicest guy I’ve ever known” and so on. He often toots his own horn by saying that too “I’m the nicest person you’ll ever meet”.
I struggle sometimes processing and dealing with the illusion. The fact that we were long-distance and I didn’t see or interact with him in day-to-day life makes this more difficult for me. I struggle with jealousy particularly over his wife. Everyone here has been very good at describing what it’s like to live with someone like this and to deal with them on a day-to-day basis.
Yeah I still struggle to apply it…I still feel stuck in the illusion that this can’t be how he really is.
Coming here and reading everything is all continuous reminder to me of what you all have to deal with and what you all dealt with. Please continue to share as I continue to read as I feel this is the only way that will help me get over the illusion.
Dear Gabrielle, like you I am living as a Dirty little secret and share your experiences in being jealous of the primary source as well as with several other secondary sources of whom I know nothing besides the fact that they exist…
Like you I can feel that sharing every day life with my narcissistic lover would be a troublesome experience. Although I am suffering tremendously from being kept out of his daily life in a rather debasing manner, knowing next to nothing about his daily routines, plans for the future or thoughts and worries.
I life as a sort of web cam girl, providing him with erotic selfies each day, sometimes receiving enthusiastic reactions, sometimes nothing.
His methods of devaluation are future faking, promising beautiful visits from week to week, denying answers when asked how he is doing (everything on whatsapp….) and keeping me in waiting for months…
Sexual encounters are followed by silent treatments or fake break-ups and prägenden discards…
I am blogging my experiences as an effort to try to heal myself.
Following HG’S Blog is very helpful…
Hugs, Ursula from Germany
This is a glimpse of the creature not many of us see, unless you are really embedded in his reality for quite some time as a primary intimate source. I’ve had a rare opportunity to be the fly on the wall via a recording he’s made of him and his narcissist wife (both lesser/ mid range narcs). It’s a horrible little reality they live in, dark, filled with hatred that has no much in human emotional spectrum. I’ve listened to this recording on his narc mother’s phone, she let me, as a part of her manipulation.
I’ve also seen his fury in full display a few times.
The creature is always there.
Thank you, Gabrielle. I am still very, very angry. Although HG says, it is only a collateral damage because they need fuel, I still believe my personal devil wanted to see me dead or at least commit suicide. Thank God, I never did him this favour. My narc said he would buy flowers for my grave. ( He never hit me, I must say.) I was so shocked after these words. Someone, who promised love and all that stuff, wanted to buy flowers for my grave? That is no joke/fun at all. I know that there was no love at all. It still hurts so much, that this guy is in our town playing the good one. And yes, there were his secondary sources. I have never been jealous. I knew from the beginning, that he was talking to other women through Whatsup. But I thought, oh, this guy has no self-esteem, let him talk. Dogs, that bark, do not bite. And he supported my opinion. I did not know that he ensured his fuel. I did not know that after each little dispute he drove to his secondary source of fuel and told her how ugly I am. I never took a look at his mobile phone. I trusted him foolishly. You don`t know how much he humiliated me in the end. No, I really believe, that was an attack against my life. I threatened his empire, his facade, all was threatened. Don`t be jealous to his wife, he humiliates her much more than he did/does to you. Do not be jealous, she is only a woman who believed in love and cannot see the truth or is jealous about the “dirty secrets” and puts the blame on them instead to her husband. I was a fool from the beginning to the end.
I also wanted to mention that mine is very religious as well. Does anything wrong with that I mean it’s OK to have your faith to each their own. But it irks me that he is so highly regarded in town as the nice guy, the good Christian boy, he even plays music for church. The wife is religious as well and I’m sure it is one of the underlying reasons why she doesn’t leave. Divorce is looked down upon in that particular faith.
Hello Ursula, please be very careful with you selfies. I know that my narc showed all the erotic pictures to all his friends. (I heard about that after the relationship) He even showed me minutes after we had tender sex and he had told me, that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, suddenly a picture on his mobile phone, on which a secondary source could be seen in sexy clothes . He said to me: “Look, what some woman send me. They should be shameful, I am your man.” I was paralysed at that moment. I could not react in any way. Like the behaviour of some animals who lie down on the ground and play “dead” to avoid the danger. Please be very careful. You do not know, what he does with your intimate pictures.
well written article, but uhg… so horrible… so ruthless….so cruel
Yes, there is some evidence, but it is not your fault, H.G. and it is not your task and it has nothing to do with your behaviour. I am surprised that no woman supports PurpleRibbonHealing to get out of her situation. There is no encouraging for her. She is already all alone. Nobody really cares for her. I do not understand that. I know that she talks harsh about her children and I cannot assess her situation on the whole but it is strange that all people only focus on their own problems or their own childhood experience or their own experience with men. They are not interested in her. That is really, really strange.
Hi Mona, I think you’re at cross purposes with my comment re evidence that was nothing to do with PRH.
That`s right. I wanted to point my finger on our own behaviour, which is not o.k. See my next comment.
Thanks for clarifying.
Lol. Who are these women that don’t speak up? Or these so called friends? I noticed people of your kind surround themselves with people without a hint of a spine. They’re not your friends, they’re not loyaal, they’re just stupid. They don’t even care about you and you know it. They’re a daily reminder of what you tell yourself everyday ever so stubborn: I am nothing!
They stand on the sidelines in silence as they watch your life going down in flames. How is that being good to you?
The ones that challenge you, the ones who dare to say no are the ones who see who you can be. It’s these daredevils who can make you great. But they scare you like a 3 year old is terrified of the boogieman in the closet. Time to turn off the nightlight HG and let the daredevils in. Untill then you’re not omnipotent, not even close. Sigh.
This is what goes on below the respectful and kind facade, on your blog too.
Just a conjecture. You tell us..
So baseless, as expected
This. Is evidence.
You are good HG. 😉
Well, HG IS teaching us about the very kind and respectful facade on this blog. If it wasn’t for his writings I wouldn’t know there was such thing. Narc’s facade is the thing that fools us into believing that they are these loving and charming people. He put it all in writing for us and I appreciate it. No way in hell you’d have another elite narc spilling their darkest secrets to us, the empaths.
Amy, there’s no need to explain mr Tudor to me.
I wasn’t trying. What I have said was my opinion.
I agree with you Amy! Reading HG’s books and this blog is analogous to getting a degree on narcissist. I am also grateful for the circumstances which leg HG to share and explain what goes on inside the mind of a narcissist and to teach us how to go back to our lives.
Without you HG we would still be weeping or mourning our ex’s and probably be jumping into the arms of another one. Thank you so much!
This blog has also made me understand a lot about my own family, because I suspect my father is also a narcissist. Although, I am not 100 percent sure…
I don’t understand why my comments are often seen as criticism. We are discussing the most insidious narcissistic behaviors on this blog and mr Tudor is not immune from them. This is his kind and respectful facade conversing with us. It is a fact. I’m stating the truth, and it’s all that matters. You know how much your opinions matter? Hell is paved with them along with well wishes.
I understand that the issue we discuss here is extremely serious. I’m in this mess myself, I work with one extremely annoying narcissist and I can assure it’s not funny. I have learnt A LOT from here about the facade they build around themselves. Of course here it is a facade too, but at the same time you get the idea of it and you can learn how to recognise it. Your comment was interesting and got me thinking, actually. Even though we learn here about narcissism and the most common ways in which these individuals operate, their tactics, there is still a lot that we do not know. There are still ways in which elite narcissists could trick us as they are so clever and able to adapt to any circumstances.
You have learnt so much, yet you still don’t understand.
You’re being passive aggressive in fact, just like a narcissist. Seemingly your comments are directed to me, but they are not.
And it’s not only you that’s been doing it, it’s a couple other ladies, only waiting to stab me in the back, smiling at mr. Tudor..
apparently, I am not a narcissist and I do understand what you are talking about and not trying to ‘stub’ you. You are trying to say that what we have here is a facade – HG is being kind and polite to us but that this is also a facade.
And who are my comments directed at!
Tudor, who else?
No, they weren’t. If I did direct at HG probably unintentionally
I thought you were done?
Don’t get it why you are so sensitive about it…!?
Really? You’re going to shift the blame on me for your conspicuous behaviour?
How is my behaviour conspicuous
Could you ladies stop now please? This is becoming embarrassing and uncomfortable
I’m done now 😉
Aye yi yi
Check out these pics HG
You’ll poke my cake? “What goes on below”? I don’t..Is that… Are we talking about anal? 🙊
Er no. Naughty Cherrylin.
Hahaaa!!!! Cherylin that’s exactly what that picture is subliminally portraying ! Screwed in the ass:(
Again, you break down this situation with great insight. Blow by blow. Knowing the cause and effect of each nuance in this situation, the reaction of each participant to each of your moves. With the keen eye of human observation. And yes, like a predator. So I continue my question from the previous post in Death. How are you able to know your behavior is unacceptable and abusive and yet repeatedly engage in it with your primary female? This is not inventing a Ford, saving Scotland, or making crunchy chicken(as you referenced in your response to me)….this is emotional and mental warfare engaged willingly on your intimate female partner. You know it is not acceptable behavior, that it is painful and ultimately creates the break up or leads to escape/discard. How can you both understand that it is unacceptable behavior, tell us what to look for and how to fight it or avoid it….and keep doing it in real life? You tell us the messages are lies and how to look out for them and yet you continue to do so in real life? I don’t get it. (Unless this has lessened in real life).
Some of the women you have been with may have been horrible, sure. Particularly “it” girl. but all? Do all women, in your view, deserve abuse?
(Please know, I’m pushing you to look at this deeper without malice toward you. Always grateful for the good you do here with so many. I just do not understand the two lives you can partition so well and dramatically).
Truly with respect and curiosity,
Great analysis and question indy! But he did not answer .😞
You’re a meanie! 😠
Just go and listen to this on YouTube, it’s meaner..
I just listened to it on youtube. It sounds eerie. HG, you would make a bad boyfriend! But then again, it is rude of her to roll her eyes. However, HG over reacted a little, no?
I think so.. I still don’t know what the finger in the cake symbolized. I’m hoping not some perverse sexual pain infliction.
Very straightforward. It demonstrated that I affect everything and I will spoil. The cake was spoiled. It was a clear threat to the victim that she would be spoiled too.
Well, thanks for the heads up..
HG inflicting preverse sexual pain? Nah!! Lol!
There goes another one.