Excuses Equal Endangered

 

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The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.

The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further foes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.

Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support out manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have used a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.

  1. He is just tired; it makes him snap.
  2. He doesn’t mean it, not really.
  3. You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
  4. He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
  5. Work is particularly stressful for him.
  6. He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
  7. I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
  8. He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
  9. He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
  10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
  11. I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
  12. Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
  13. He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
  14. He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
  15. I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
  16. He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
  17. You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
  18. Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
  19. All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
  20. You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
  21. It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
  22. I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
  23. You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
  24. You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be please for us, for my sake?
  25. I’m sorry, it was my fault.

Sound familiar?

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25 thoughts on “Excuses Equal Endangered”

  1. Great article. I don’t think I’ve read this one before.

    If someone tells you they’ve always loved you from afar HG are they always an N ?

    I have a new person showing an interest in me. I’m beginning to feel like the only non N be it at work or at play. Not at home thankfully !

    This one i has previously suspected was an inverted (or co dependent) although did not entirely tick all the boxes.

    I’m so bloody confused now ? Would a cd say such a thing and so they plot and scheme ?

    Thanks so much as always

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  2. 10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it. That sums it all up rather nicely. And, yes, the golden period was an illusion, it just seemed so real…to me, but I realize, now, it was simply a set-up to extract fuel. Eventually, I figured out something was really, really wrong. However, it is absolute madness, like being roofied, tossed down a rabbit hole, forced to attend a Mad Tea-Party, then you get your ass kicked with a mallet at the Queen’s Croquet Ground, all before playing a psychotic game of chess with the Red Queen. Finally, when it is all over, you wake up wondering what the fuck happened. Now I feel like I am stuck in Hotel California; [y]ou can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!

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    1. HG, I find that though I’m now separated from the narc with whom I fell in love by hundreds of miles, I’ve nevertheless constructed a self-inflicted emotional cage of attachment from which I can’t seem to escape.

      I’ve listened to quite a few of your audio posts on youtube, and so far I’ve not heard this particular affliction addressed. Can you shed some light on this — some way in which I can loosen the grip he still has on me?

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      1. Mrs Linton, Thank you very much. California is the Golden State and the song plays in my mind sometimes when I read the posts. It was written for people just like you and me.

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  3. Hello HG… I didn’t know where to post this question. I left my ex a year and a half ago…recently around my bday he attempted contact, but luckily I received your books the same day And I believed I handled it well and he disappeared. Very very recently a very good friend of mine, whom I have known for years(who used to be a co worker) our relationship has started to evolve romantically… and it seems that he has been recently hoovered by my ex.. as in my ex seems to be following him, showing up where he is, trying to strike up conversation, bringing up my name, subtly ” warning” him of me…. etc etc. Even though this new guy is aware of what the situation was and is Should I be concerned? Or is this something that would benifit from a private consultation from you?Thank you in advance.

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    1. Thank you for reading the books and I am pleased they assisted you. There are three potential concerns in this scenario:-

      1. The former co-worker is a Lieutenant;
      2. The former co-worker is at risk of being recruited as one;
      3. Your ex is smearing you and looking to triangulate.

      If you need further information then by all means organise a consultation so I can consider the matter in greater detail.

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      1. Hmmm… thank u for the reply HG. Gives me some new perspectives I hadn’t thought of…gotta chew on that a bit. You are very helpful:)

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  4. I remember a narc boyfriend I had was a pathological liar. For entertainment one evening on the phone he had fabricated a story to make me believe he was at deaths door. Fuel of course poured from me no end. Later they evening I realised that I had been had. Years later he tried to persuade me that he really has been ill, and I then pretended to believe him. I was trying to protect his fragile ego even then, I knew he needed to feel superior and was happy to go along with myself being the idiot . The odd thing was he caught me rolling my eyes a few moments later and we laughed about it. I do think that sometimes HG us empathy and codependent pretend to be taken in, we know we are giving you supply but we know that’s what you want, and sometimes that overrides everything. My current partner is no fool and I think he is beginning to know that I know what he is. I am overcompensating by flattering him more and he knows it. So what I am saying is, there are times when I have almost knowingly given plenty of fuel, and then I have run.
    When you know someone is a narc but have to pretend you don’t, it is the strangest feeling.

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    1. Totally understand as I am going through the same thing right now – – stuck in a self constructed prison of attachment, even though now that I’ve been following HG for a while, I know what I’m dealing with. We are separated by hundreds of miles and I still can’t let go. When we were together, I too knew that he was looking for attention and praise and I willingly gave it. Even when he poked me for negative fuel, I gave it in abundance and forgave him every time he hoovered me. I often wonder what in the hell is wrong with me

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      1. Thank you Misty for replying. I have always been with Narcs and I honestly wonder if I can do anything else. Fellow co dependents make me feel suffocated. We are still in the golden period, though he has made a couple of digs I am not happy with. I also think he is not responsible with money. I see those narc behaviours and he is on the spectrum, I just hope to God (and I’m not even religious) that it is only mild narcissism that he has. I cannot be in another abusive relationship. Good luck to you Misty.

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  5. Sickening to swallow my part in this incideous game. My most recent observation/ EXCUSE- (while attempting to heal from the first affair that I discovered, but he’d never admit- he taunted me w/”you have no proof and you aren’t stupid enough to leave w/out proof”) was that we were both just highly passionate in both love and war. After finding proof of a second affair, within 2 yrs.. all of the lies, deception, the crazy making.. I broke into his phone and read the actual communication between them. That was only 2 months ago and he still denies that his own words are what I think they are, even after speaking to the other woman. The spell has finally been broken. 22 yrs of living in a tsunami will end when our daughter graduates in June. I’ll take the financial prison I’ll be sentenced to.. tax liens, bankruptcy, I don’t care. At least I’ll know what to expect. Moving back to my home state to be with people that actually love me, (and he won’t come to bc he has warrants there) is keeping me focused and determined. While he’s busy pulling out all of his tricks to draw me back in, I am fully aware and withhold fuel, only feeding him enough to keep me out of danger until I can go, since he won’t leave. It’s almost like a role reversal…

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  6. It was clear from the start what he was, what I believe gets me thou. Hope for them will always linger……
    What I believe caused worry, yet we all must make a choice….

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  7. He was telling me all the way through what he was without saying it. The conversations. The text messages. It is all there. He even took me to a fairly intimate concert performed by a Greater that is beloved here & no one has a clue what he is & he hinted to me about this guy having something in common with the Terminator. He also left me with photos of 2 of his eye settings. The void & the malevolent. Hiding in plain sight that he knew I’d find. Makes a person feel kind of stupidly, humiliatingly, blind really. Embarrassing yet privileged to be entrusted with it.
    My excuses for his behaviour at the time, ‘he is a new Christian still finding his way’, ‘he has a colourful past he is still working through’…
    He wanted me to know what he is. He wanted someone to know & understand. He knew I would & in doing so he gave me the key to remove the veil that had blinded me all my life.

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    1. It’s odd isn’t it that a part of them wants to be known? and they will also find a way of telling you early on. Perhaps it is not true of an Elite. One of my friends exes told her that he would take her to “hell and back” and she kept seeing him (like you do)!
      One of my exes told me he was “not a nice person” I was so infatuated, I didn’t care. My current partner has told me that there is “another side” to him, not seen it yet.

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      1. HG do narcissists at any level want to be known? Do you find your work here liberating? It must feel lonely to not be safe to share what you are openly. The only people who could understand would be other narcs who you would mostly spar with. Do you think their telling us provides relief for them? I also think though they may, as I think you have said before be testing the water to see how much abuse we will take.

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      2. No. I do find a degree of catharsis yes. If on of our kind makes the admission, it will usually be a Greater and it is part of the ongoing manipulation.

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      3. If you find that bit of catharsis with all of us here as tertiary sources, do you ever wonder what that could feel like with a personal friend or IP in real life that would be worth exploring?

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      4. Welcome to intimacy HG. We all risk that. It’s what creates connection before our time is up.

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