Exposure – 5 Ways To Flush Out the Narcissist




You never see us coming. You do not know what we are when we ensnare you. You have no idea what is actually happening when we push and pull you through the bewildering experience that is devaluation. You make no sense of what has happened when you have been discarded in the dust, hurt and dazed. When we return, riding back into your lives like the triumphant king we regard ourselves as, you still do not know us for what we are. How many times have you rued the fact that if only you had known earlier? How often have you remarked at how obvious it now seems with hindsight, when the eventual moment of revelation arrives, long-delayed and overdue as it often is. How frequently have you bemoaned to friends and family that if only you have seen the signs you might have done something to avoid what had entangled with you. Wishful thinking indeed and such thoughts go on to pollute your future engagements with those prospective intimate partners. At some future point you may eventually dip a toe in the pool of intimacy again in the hope of finding someone who is as far-removed from us as possible, but what if one of our kind comes a calling? You know you identified the tell-tale indicators with the one of our kind who ensnared you, but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution? Would the old adage of lightning never strikes twice play through your mind even though it strikes several times when it comes to our kind? At the outset of your engagement with that interesting and exciting person, there are of course the many Red Flags which exist and about which I have written in greater detail. You ought to acquaint yourself with them, since not all of our kind will always exhibit certain indicators. Neither does it do any harm to avail yourself of additional ones should you find yourself becoming the attention of the Greater of our kind, if hitherto you had been involved with a Lesser of Mid-Range. Utilise these five early door tactics to expose whether you are at risk of being ensnared.

  1. Create jealousy

Make reference to an actor or celebrity and comment about how he or she is talented and handsome. Consider admitting you have a crush on this person and if they walked in now you would be smitten and so forth. Observe the reaction.

A Lesser will struggle even during the seduction to contain the effect of his criticism and will lash out with a comment such as,

“Him? He is a homosexual, yes, well known in the industry, of course his fan base cannot know.”

“Him? Had a lot of work done you know.”

“Him? Really? He is nothing to look at. You’ve got off taste if you like him.”

A Mid-Range will fall silent and then move the topic on to something else. He has the situation just about under control but remains wounded, hence the withdrawal through a brief silence and then going to a different topic.

The Greater. Watch for the very brief flicker of fury in the eyes. A narrowing of the gaze or slight sneer before the control is exerted. The Greater will smile (but there will no warmth) or there will be a hollow laugh before he will say,

“Not a patch on me though eh?”

“I could have been an actor you know.”

A normal person would respond with: –

“Yes, he is a handsome chap, I agree.”

“Do you think so? I’m not so sure, but I can understand why you might say that.”

  1. Place Your Attention Elsewhere

Either fiddle with your ‘phone repeatedly or keep smiling at the waiter and chatting to him when he serves you. It need not be excessive as even a fairly minimum distraction in this way will irk our kind. Whatever situation you are in, find a way to put your attention on someone or something else.

The Lesser will put down the third party at the earliest opportunity by suggesting service was slow, the seats are unsatisfactory or will grab the phone from you and put it to one side. He will not be able to contain the ignition of his fury at such an early juncture.

The Mid-Range will try to compete by talking to a different waitress or by using his own ‘phone, doing his best to conceal the wound you have created by effectively ignoring him.

The Greater will start talking loudly about himself so you are forced to return attention to him. Boasts and outlandish comments will be made along with denigrating the offending person/item.

“It must be hell waiting on for a living, I am delighted I am able to have so much control over my work.”

“You know those ‘phones have been setting on fire. Yes, a manufacturing error. Clearly an inferior make. Now, take my ‘phone for instance.”

The normal person would politely ask you to stop using your ‘phone as much or would not smile pleasantly at your interaction with other people as noting it as just being friendly.


  1. Get the Details

We will make various boasts about what we do, who we know and what we like and the latter will be frequent as we endeavour to mirror you. In such a situation where we have ascertained what you like through our prior targeting of you, do not, as so many people do, accept it at face value as being true and accurate but instead politely press for some more details. If we explain that we engage in fencing because you do, mention some of the relevant equipment and terminology to draw us into providing more detail.

The Lesser will fudge it, lacking the preparatory depth to know anything much beyond what you like. He will backtrack saying it was some time since he had done it or such like. He will become agitated as his fury starts to ignite because your challenge, notwithstanding its politeness, will amount to a criticism.

The Mid-Range will change subject and ask you to talk more about it. Reject this and invite his comment. He will withdraw as he keeps control and moves on to a different topic or makes an excuse to go to the toilet or to point out something else happening.

The Greater will be harder to trap in this respect because he or she will have undertaken a greater depth of preparatory work and also their higher function enables them to think on their feet more readily, but a continued gentle cross-examination will expose some deficiency eventually. Once this nears the Greater will apply greater charm towards you in order to deflect you from probing too deeply. Expect a string of compliments, a flourishing gesture (“how about some champagne?”) or praising your evident knowledge of the subject before moving on to something else.

The normal will talk easily and extensively about this interest without bragging or evasiveness because it is true.

  1. Ask about the Ex

It may appear a little forward but this is a useful indicator to determine who you are with.

The Lesser will be unpleasant about her because the memory of this treacherous person annoys him and therefore you will be subjected to a volley of explanations about how terrible she is.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive about the request. He knows that if pressed he will not be able to help himself and pour out how horrible she has been to him, how crazy she is and how he is trying to put himself back together again after a horrendous experience. He knows enough that this is not the ideal topic of conversation at this juncture but so long as he can maintain control, he need not spill the beans. He will comment that there is not much to say and change the focus. Bring him back to the focus and observe what happens.

The Greater will be complimentary since he or she knows that to portray the ex in such a light at this early stage of the seduction is a sensible move. This will of course change in due course once there is triangulation and you are embedded, but prior to this he wants you to recognise he is a “good” person and that it didn’t work out and will provide some woolly and amorphous reason why that is. The Greater will not be able to help himself comment that she couldn’t cope with his brilliance in some way and then use it to compliment you.

“We got on but she ultimately wasn’t as clever as me, not like you, you and I are exactly on the same intellectual wavelength, it is marvellous.”

“She wasn’t a bad person but she struggled with how hard I work. I know you are not like that because I can tell you are diligent and admire hard work.”

The normal will provide a brief and honest explanation, often admitting to failings on his part as well or explaining that he and her remain on friendly terms. There will be little bitterness or rancour even if the relationship was difficult, this person will have moved on.

  1. Ask About Our Childhood

We often do not like to discuss it or certainly certain elements of it. Much of it will be patchy and disjointed to us. References to other family members will be limited unless pushed and they will not be spoken about in warm or fond terms

The Lesser will make sweeping comments about how it wasn’t happy but fail to provide any detail or say it was nothing special. He will not divulge any memories of it as he struggles to do so.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive and want to talk about your childhood instead. Anything he does say will be anodyne in nature as he prefers not to revisit it.

The Greater will talk about his childhood but it will all be boasts about what he achieved, how many friends he had, how good he was football, the fact he was top of the class and so forth.

The normal will recount a handful of anecdotes, speak well of his family, link the fact that his childhood means he sees a lot of his family now or if he does not, because of death or distance, the fact he misses them.


65 thoughts on “Exposure – 5 Ways To Flush Out the Narcissist”

  1. This is great HG! I love the way you explain how each would reply, especially a normal person. It’s hard to admit but I’ve never been in a normal relationship and I grew up with narcs. It’s so helpful to know what to watch out for and look for! I will use this as a guide without question.

  2. Very good HG! How would you define a narcissist who refuses to answer any questions about himself and is very evasive, even simple yes or no questions and will give the silent treatment for me asking, what do you think??

      1. He’s definitely a sociopath but I can’t figure out if he’s mid-range or Greater narcissist. He’s mostly cerebral and somatic, hard to figure him out. Never rages, never really love bombed, refuses to talk about himself but wants to know everything about you. Does he sound familiar HG?

  3. Cannot all be put down precicely just like that.. there must be much more with many narcs..

  4. As an educated empath, you can recognise a Lesser from a mile away, you can detect a Mid-Ranger fairly quickly, but the Greater is a real problem because he *imitates* healthy people perfectly.

    You’d have to be alert to his body language, slight changes in his voice, flickers in his eyes… all very minor and fleeting signs, and probably not easy to even see/hear in the dimmed light and noise of a bar!

    Furthermore, you’d need to be mindful in conversations, not getting carried away and sharing too much. The sophisticated ones are good at asking the right questions, and probing further, to extract as much detailed information as possible to use against you later on. HG is calling this Triple Tracking. They also like to employ the tactic of sharing something meaningful with you to encourage you to return the favour – only their story was a lie while yours wasn’t.

    So, with this in mind, who is ready to date again? I’m not.

    1. I feel like a Greater comes across as too good to be true. “Where have you been all my life”? “I’ve never met anyone like you”. A Normal seems a bit boring at first.

  5. HG, would a narc (during a silent treatment/discard) ever think to themselves ‘Shit, it’s been a while and no fuel, I had better hoover incase they’ve disappeared’?
    Or are they too big-headed to think that/too busy gathering fuel elsewhere?

    I told my narc I love watching narcissist videos on YouTube and learning all about them. He’s been giving me the silent treatment for 3 weeks for ‘supposedly’ not complying and playing it cool with him. Just wondering if he thinks ‘I’m busted’, or if it still wouldn’t stop a hoover from occuring?

    The longest he’s been away from me without a hoover (in 8 years) is 2 months. I guess he kept running out of potent fuel sources.

    I’m also pretty sure he’s a Mid-Range

    1. Yes,
      “Just have to remember the last line, that’s the important one! ..ooh my, what pretty ball(s) you have there.. 😍 .. wait what was I doing?”
      “Oh right, the line!”

  6. HG,
    Great analysis and very helpful for the future! I love it when you dissect the 3 different responses, it makes it crystal clear.
    Thank you 🙂

  7. And a fifth one “just a friend” and a sixth one “just for sex”, but she wants it, he’s not “interested”.

  8. I’m not even the only one he’s working like that. There are three more women plus one…that I know of.
    Two of them are burned out beyond recovery. One is helpless and just on a side. The last one escaped but didn’t know what he was till I talked to her. I’m the only one that cut him out completly.

  9. So this is not about love. It can’t be any further from it. This is about possession. This is about conquering someone for life.
    It’s never going to happen. However weak I might be, or he thinks I am.

  10. There is but one thin layer of skin between us. He can see my fear pulsing behind it.
    He’s never going to rip it off. He wants me to slowly peel it off. He wants to be offered my open wounds.
    To deepen them.

    1. Stay strong guilia 💖
      I think they do lead us to our deepest fears and our still open wounds in order to exploit them and control us and make themselves feel powerful.
      But through that we also gain awareness of what our own core issues might be. From there we can do the real healing when we’re ready to.

    2. @giulia I resonate with what you have written. My emotional state was a “desert” when I met him. He was an amazing and beautiful waterfall. Seems it was not water at all, however. It was acid rain.

      Capitalizing on someone’s vulnerabilities, and therefore deepening the wounds, is the lowest of lows. Rape by deception.

      So I sense a turning point in this process for myself. I am not there yet, but I see the curve in the road way off in the distance. I realize this experience happened because it had to happen. I was wounded and unhappy when I met him. Somehow all the parts aligned that he was my tipping point. I blindly offered my wounds to him on a platter. He poured lots of salt into them, devoured them, and then spit them back out at my face and then got up and quietly left the table. We all need to be very gentle as we take care of our own deepened wounds. No one else can heal them. But whoa, did it feel good when he was pretending. I pray the wound stops hurting someday.

  11. I lied. He is a greater. Didn’t want to give him credits for being one. Didn’t care in the beginning to discover what he really was. Couldn’t face it, I was scared. Sometimes I still am because I can feel he is lurking around trying to find a way in.
    Sometimes I can’t believe it, still. So much he brainwashed me with his words enveloped in shadows.

  12. HG! This article is the perfect complement to your books Red Flags and Sitting Targets. Once we detect some red flags how we can test them …please write more about this ” testing”…it is very useful when start dating again!!!

      1. Thank you HG! I look forward to read more about this..These practical examples are very useful..I hope you have the time to write more about this…among many other things !

      2. This could be perhaps very good material for a book? How to Flush A Narcissist on the early stages! With practical examples.
        By the way what would be the best way of flushing them? I mean once you detect it…it is just like ignoring him and evading him? Would that be enough to flush him? Or does that depend on the school they belong to?

      3. By the way…I think the best way of flushing one if detected would be ” cutting his head off”😁That would be more than enough…just saying…

  13. If carlsburg made warning mannuals…..
    Thank you HG. Quite possibly the best and most valuable article I’ve read so far.

    1. @karen1303
      Hi karen 1303, I agree with you…very valuable article..a Manual is needed after being entangled with one…I feels though like a teenager dating for the first time again🤔

    1. Well if you flush us out at a very early stage and evade us, we may press you (dependent on which type of narcissist you are dealing with) before we look elsewhere and you may receive an unpleasant comment or two but that would be the extent of it. There will be no lasting hatred.
      If you get rid of us later in the dynamic, the hatred is not something you can control because you escaping us will ignite our fury.

      1. I find this description of events to be perfectly accurate…. I sussed out the last one in under two weeks. He was not above calling me “cold and uncaring”, but I have heard nothing else from him in over 2 months. I hope he has moved on.

        Thank you so much, HG, for saving me wasting any more time or emotion on another black hole 🙂

    2. @Alexissmith2016
      Hi ! Your comment made me reflect a little: if you realise he is a narcisist and flush him on the early stages: why are you worried that he might hate you for doing that? If he does..it is his problem…why are you worried about that?

      1. Superxena

        I’ve known him for five years, he is part of a shared group of friends but has only started this odd behaviour with me in the past couple of weeks.

        I genuinely liked the guy and I don’t need this as a complication in my life.

      2. Hello alexissmith 2016! Thank you for your answer and I understand now why you are concerned about him “hating” you for rejecting him. It is certainly an uncomfortable postion for you and I hope you can find the best way for you to solve it!!

  14. Love this – very insightful, and funny

    I wonder if a severed arm or leg would help them gain a more thankful perception, allowing them to be more grounded and grateful for what they have and make them concentrate on the outside pieces for a while? Failing that, keep removing a limb till they’re left with just a head and then triangulate them using their unattached foot. They’d also be much easier to spot then

  15. The Victim Narcissist, a very tricky breed; but I spotted him in less than six months! I just need to encounter a greater then I will be all set!

    Exposure tactic numbers one and two work the best for me thus far. 🙂

  16. I’m printing this and taking it with me if I ever allow myself to dip into the dating pool again. I have no shame in following a script if that’s what it takes. I do not trust myself to vet anyone properly anymore. Safer to be alone and sure.

    1. Same! My new bible.
      I am for sure destined to be on my own now forever. No poor man stands a chance.
      “I bought you flowers Karen”
      “Omg get the hell away from me you narc!”
      “You look lovely Karen”
      “Omg get the hell away from me you narc!”
      “I fell out with someone from work today”
      “He must have seen you for what you are. Omg get the hell away from me you narc!”

    2. @12345
      Hi 12345! I like your comment…. I am actually ” interviewing” the man I am dating now…lol…I have actually a list with different red flags that I check and make notes…He has no idea of course of what I am doing…Feels more like a job interview but better safe than going through hell again!

      1. Haha. I think you should be more candid with your interviewee and present the check list over dinner.

      2. @karen1303
        Lol ! karen1303 . You just gave me an idea:
        I will print copies to have available next date with the questions and present it to him. Telling him that I have just attended HG Tudor ‘s Narc School, that I have delivered my questions to the first exam and waiting for my degree .
        That will be a perfect way of knowing which school ( if he is a narcissist) he belongs to:
        1. A Lesser will ask: “What is a narcissist”?
        2. Mid range: would be troubled and perhaps make excuses for leaving.
        3. The Greater: well the Greater will be amused at it, give me his “stare” and his charming narcissistic smile…and deflect by asking me if I would like some wine with dinner. He would make notes and certainly would like to see the questions I have..well a challenge is a challenge for the Greater

      3. Actually that seems like a lot of hard work. I think what I’ll do if I ever decide to date again is pay for a telephone consult with HG. Put the potential boyfriend on the phone and let HG interview him for me.
        Saves all the messing around trying to figure it out 😅

      4. @karen1303
        Lol..karen1303.. You made me laugh! Well…that would be an option😉 And I hope you feel like dating again soon!

      5. Hell no lol. No dating for me. I’m happy on my own (really)
        Glad I made you smile 😊

      6. Hello karen

        Actually I was not thinking on dating now. After 15 months of No Contact with my ex greater..I am feeling like taking it easy. I was “dragged ” into the woods again by a very “muscular mushroom ” who trains at my work place! I have detected some red flags ,so he might be disqualified…I just want first a picture with him with his double biceps and his motorcycle( a HD) for VERY SPECIFIC Machiavellish reasons….concerning my ex greater! Lol.😉
        Upps… that sounded very narcissistic…does that make me a narcissist HG?

      7. Xena, you are very brave and I hope he’s the most normal person ever! It’s so funny how my view has changed. I used to associate normal with boring and a bit less fun or unsexy. I used to want passion, excitement and chemistry with a dash of danger right out of the gate. I’ve finally realized it’s a marathon not a sprint and that all those things (except danger – no thank you) can come in time. Makes me almost thankful for the hard lessons. Operative word there is almost😂

      8. Hello 12345! Thank you for your kind words! I do believe that we can find excitement,passion and chemistry without paying ANY price. I understand what you mean by the” hard way “but if there is a silver lining to all this..is that I have learned a lot about myself during this process and I am good with it! You are a brave and strong women as well!!! How are you doing with your own process of detachment and healing?

    3. @12345
      Likewise! I got HG’s book(s) and wrote all 50 flags! (Power of handwriting btw).
      Let’s set up Tudorettes’ meetup groups and team up before hitting the bar scene! Now that would be fun,  putting those jokers through the Empath’s wringer!


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