Twisted

 

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How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

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57 thoughts on “Twisted”

  1. As I was reading I was asking myself who was writing – the narc or the victim.
    My interpretation is both. Victim all said in truth, narc said in projection and smear.

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  2. Oooo. This one is good. I read it first from the perspective that I had assumed, and once I got to the question on the bottom, went back and read it from the opposite perspective. Twisted indeed.

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  3. Lol.. speaking of “twisted” I am always shocked at the lengths some can go to seek and destroy. Yesterday I asked you a question… you kindly followed up with 3 possibilities, which in turn helped me concider perspectives I would never have imagined. To sum it up…you pegged it. I thank u profusely and sincerely . You helped a bigger picture than you know. I am forever grateful HG . What you provide here not only helps others now, but will continue to help many many more in the future:)

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  4. Nah, none of them ever said anything like this. Probably because by the time I got fed up enough to actually walk, my reply would be something along the lines of, “Oh dear. Wait hang on let me fish out a few fucks to give… I know there’s gotta be one in here somewhere… Oh…guess not.”

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  5. They are spoken by me grounded in truth and spoken by you grounded in mystification.
    I have good memory and the energy and will to go trough each and every event that caused my relationship to change it’s course.
    I remember every word and the context in which it has been spoken, and the trigger that generated it.
    I remember the looks and facial expressions, position of the body and tension of the muscles at key points of my story.
    I remember the sound of his breath when he let himself fall in my arms. My body remembers it, my mind replays it as I can still see the look he gave me afterwards, like dense magmatic hatred. Why did he look at me like that…why… I still wonder.
    He tried to give me the betrayed speach, aulic, passionate, well chosen words, well positioned, well paused.
    But he couldn’t prove any of it. My conscience is clear. I know my heart.
    Those words are for you.

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  6. They belong to us Empaths, and in turn, HG can write them like they were his own feelings – only he has a better way of describing them due to his vast intellectual alphabetti spaghetti. He pumps them from his glorious hole in a soothing jellyfish-like motion – they penetrate our ears and morph into silent cannon balls that swim through the blood in our brains.

    Nothing is truly *owned* in this world though

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    1. Mine did. Mine was genuinely drop dead gorgeous and attracted attention just walking down the street. Me on the other hand am very plain looking. I was definitely punching above my weight so to speak but I figured afterwards that he probably ‘dropped down a league’ in order to make himself superior from the offset. (In his head) His new victims looks shockingly like me and he’s now dressing her in identical clothes I wear. (A bit quirky and off the wall)
      That freaks me out. The poor girl has never seen me but when she’s out of there she’s going to look back and think “omg he dressed me like his ex” I just hope she comes to me for help because she’s going to need it. And help her I will.

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      1. Interesting, karen. It makes sense that the fuel would be the most important thing to them. As for dressing her the same, unbelievable, it seems you were both toy dolls in his eyes. Never be jealous of the new source

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      2. Oh I have no jealousy in me. What I do have is pity for the poor girl and her kids. And a lot of guilt. I want to warn her, tell her but I know there’s no point as she obviously wouldn’t believe me. That is something I’m really struggling with at the moment. My hands are tied but I feel like I’m allowing this to happen to someone else and her kids. I’m enabling it. It’s a shit feeling. And this poor girl and her kids have been through so much heartache already so I’ve been told. Apparently the kids dad died when they were 4. 3 years ago. They are sooo vulnerable and just perfect pickings for my ex. 😠
        All I can hope is that she gets in touch with me when she realises. Hopefully sooner rather than later. And I will give her and the kids all the help I can.

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      3. Hi again Karen1303

        I totally understand….for what it’s worth I’ve been there and done that.

        I blew the whistle on my ex before I’d read anything about how everyone says don’t do it. Although it got me absolutely nowhere, I don’t regret it. I may well have played into my exes hands as no doubt his smear campaign had set me right up but I didn’t say anything mean or unkind (unlike her response to me though!) and I know my words will be in the back of her mind somewhere….pushing them away along with all the other red flags.

        She’ll remember them one day though and realise how true they were. It’ll be too late mind. But still. I needed to do it at the time – for me, not for her – and if I had that time over I’d probably do the same.

        I’m not suggesting you do it. All the advice says don’t and I agree in that it is unlikely to further your cause but, I just wanted to let you know I did it and survived. Just beware your motives and, whether you do or don’t, I can tell you that the more time passes, the less of a damn you’ll give.

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      4. Hi VFH, my motive is simple. I do not want anyone else to suffer as I and my son did.
        Respect to you for blowing the whistle. I have just been too scared and now it’s too late. I really wish I’d had the guts at the time as then my conscience would be clear.
        I think it’s doubtful any new victim would listen to an old one but it’s all about conscience to me and doing nothing to try and prevent suffering in another human being 😕

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      5. Hi….it’s rubbish isn’t it….You’re a good soul and I understand how you feel. Having a child with someone like this brings pain on a whole other level.

        In my case, I was being hoovered every week despite my ex already having left me and our family for the OW.

        I was fully in Stockholm Syndrome mode and just couldn’t do it to myself anymore, had to implode in order to insult him so badly he’d leave me alone of his own volition because I didn’t have the strength to say No to him myself.

        It was the best thing I ever did. I guess warning her was secondary – I had put myself and our children first. Afterwards, her response was so rude, so disrespectful both to me as a fellow woman and my role as our children’s mother – probably out of defence – but still, she showed no honour. No matter how his smear had painted me, I personally believe there was no excuse as she simply did not know me and should not have judged. I’m sorry to say that even though I know she is a lamb to the slaughter, because of how she behaved, I have no problem at all leaving her to her fate.

        You’re right in saying about no new victim believing an old one. I’ve thought on it since and know, from remembering my own research flags about him, that I’d have paid no attention if someone had warned me. I’d have believed that he was different with me, that he was too young to marry before, that he only stayed because of their child (yes I have a step son too who we now never hear from of course) etc etc.

        I remember asking my Mother once a long time ago, in jest, why she didn’t ever tell me how hard being a mummy was and her answer “You wouldn’t have believed me, you needed to find out on your own” holds true here also.

        You can hold your head high Karen1303, you’ve earned your stripes and done your time. Your conscience is clear; you owe no one anything, other than for you and your son to live the happy and abuse-free life you deserve.

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    1. It depends on the context. It may be perceived as Wounding Criticism or Challenge Fuel. It is likely to be picked up on and used against the empath.

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    1. I’m interested to hear HGs reply to this Karin (hello btw….) I have young children with my ex narc and he dropped them like stones along with me when he left.

      One of them I have been particularly concerned perhaps not having fallen far from the tree but thankfully seems to be, on the whole, “getting much better” without his influence. He was definitely made the scapegoat child by his father and I’m very sad I didn’t spot this when it was happening. I was of course in too deep myself to see through the fog then.

      From what I’ve read and professional advice/support both we’ve had, the gist seems to be that these behaviourial traits can be arrested if dealt with early enough. I really hope so.

      Do you have an opinion to share with us on this HG?

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      1. They can if addressed in the formative stages. See the concept outlined in Save the Children.

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  7. I never know what mask my covert narc will use. He’s too busy using the silent treatment on me. Pretty sad, only been married for 3 years.

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  8. it IS all so very twisted…. it is the different sides/ perspectives of each, yet it is the same

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  9. When I read this my soul crumples because I know what it is to be at the receiving end of these words of narcissistic projection. The most scary thing about the projection is that it is an insight into the psychopathy of the narc. I had no idea how manipulative, calculating and unfaithful my husband was until he started calling me those things and I realised through my empathic powers of intuition that he was in fact talking about himself. It’s a frightening realisation.

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  10. You speak these words and you hear them. You mirror them to yourself, as well. And these words belong to both of us, conceived from a union forged in hell between your kind and ours.

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  11. K, they only repeat, what you have said to them before. They know, that these words are your words and that you believe in these words. So, they tell you your own words. Mostly that works for them. They all do it. They copy your words and learn them like a poem to use it next time, when they need an excuse.

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    1. Mona,
      yes, you are right. Mirroring was one of the first things I learned and it was so eerie, that I almost couldn’t believe it. They mirror and mimic and tell you what you want to hear.

      The blame shifting drove me crazy! They are very efficient and proficient with their devil’s tool kit. Everything serves a double purpose. No wonder we can’t fight them.

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  12. OK yeah yeah HG we get it. You see the world one way – where we are at fault – and we see the world the other way round, where you are.

    Obviously our viewpoint as others have highlighted, comes from a genuine desire to be kind and caring and we feel bad if we hurt someone’s feelings.

    Your pov does/can not cater for or understand this so although “we” might see ours as the ‘right’ way do you believe that because you/your kind sees things so differently, who’s to say your way is wrong??

    Are you suggesting that what is actually considered right or wrong is completely down to personal opinion not fact?

    If that isn’t a blueprint for true chaos then I don’t know what is.

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    1. I should clarify….when I say you’ll give less of a damn, I mean about your feeling of needing to warn….not of her particular situation which is indeed very sad.

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