Presence

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Can you feel me next to you? I am there. I am with you. I always am. Even when I am not physically present I am besides you, wrapped around you and with you. I promised that I would always be with you and I meant that promise. It is my role to ensure that I am always there, so you feel safe and reassured by my presence. Do you feel me there? Yes, that’s right, you can feel me in the pit of your stomach, that light sensation which is a mixture of delight and anticipation. Can you feel my touch on your skin? Yes, that tingling feeling you are experiencing right now is me placing a guarding hand upon you. Do you feel my breath upon your neck as I whisper besides you? I thought so. I am everywhere and always with you, maintaining my role as your guardian and protector. You are never alone and therefore never need feel alone. I am always watching over you and ensuring that you come to no harm. When you wake in the middle of those dark hours and feel like you are falling I will be there to catch you. I have you in my arms as I am strong and fearless. Whatever slings and arrows that come your way you can rest easy knowing that they shall never penetrate my defences. I have built my walls thick, the towers high and my citadel is impregnable. You are safe there. Do you feel my essence within you, lifting you up and guiding you? Do you feel my touch on your shoulder steering you through that maze of indecision and trepidation? You will readily pass through it. Feel my hand in yours as I shall never let you go. I shall lead you past those false guardians who writhe with jealousy at what we have, their seditious words bouncing against my shield and dissipating on the righteous truth that resides there. These gargoyles cannot harm you. They may hiss and claw the air but that only highlights their impotence for they cannot pierce the veil that I have drawn about you which protects you by my very presence. When you feel despair reach deep inside of yourself and you will find me there. A core of reassurance that is within you ready to be called upon whenever you require. I am about you, within you and around you, protecting you with my massive angelic wingspan so the brutes and fiends can find no way through. These charlatans and deviants fall at your feet, overwhelmed by the magnificence you display as my aura shines around you. I am always there for you, guiding, leading, shielding and completing. Do you feel me?

I am coiled around you squeezing the living breath from you. Do you feel me? Do you feel that cold dread hand as it grips your throat, preventing you from calling out? Do you recall the times you woke shaking as the nightmare had its hold over you as you felt paralysed and unable to speak? Do you feel me do that to you now? Do you feel my toxins pouring through your weakening body as I feast on you? I am all around you. I am all about you. I am inside you. Does your skin itch with that sense of filth that has lingered for too long about you? Can you hear the vitriolic words as I hiss them into your ravaged ears? Of course you can because I am right beside you. Do you feel my hot and fetid breath against your cheek as I continue with my tirade of abuse, the soiled words spilling over like a fountain of grime which spatters against your once flawless skin and sticks to it? Try as you might to remove it, no matter how hard you pull and scrub the mire cannot be removed because I am all around you. I am tangled in your hair, lurking under your eyelids, tucked beneath your nails and pulsing through your heart. I sit like a lead weight on your chest slowly crushing you as more weights are piled on and the noxious air in your lungs is steadily pushed from inside you. My polluting touch pockmarks your skin and my sharp nails tear at you, leaving scratches across you that sting and continue to remind you of my presence. My blackened soul has poured into your mouth, your nose and your ears, infesting you. The poison blocks your lungs, trickles into your blood and insidiously creeps towards your failing heart. Do you feel me inside you now? Does that rising sense of panic tell you that I am very much a part of you now? Does that awful anxiety signal to you that you and I have become one? You consented of course. You wanted me all about you, around you and inside you, do you remember that? Or is it the case that the fog which has enveloped you is dulling your mind and slowing your thinking? Your eyes once so full of life and vibrancy now only show that dulled reflection of my leering face as I hold your limp head next to mine and peer into your eyes searching for that flicker of fuel that I know is still somewhere inside you, waiting to be extracted. Do you feel the strings as I pull them, jerking your arms and making you continue your dance with me even though you have no will to do so? Do you feel those attachments yank you along taking you to places you do not want to go when you once did? Can you feel me? I know you can because you let me in. You allowed me access and I flooded you with my magnificence in order to admit my malice. Can you feel anything other than my malign grip around you? I suspect not as I see you are weakening by the moment. I have engulfed you, encompassed you and enveloped you. You and I have merged and become one with one another. You are me and I am you. Tell me, how does it feel?

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66 thoughts on “Presence”

  1. Hey everyone,

    I want to build a false construct and I need your help.

    Prime aims

    1. Fuel: I get that from writing comments on this blog.

    2. Character Traits: I am going to read all your comments and “borrow forever” all the new vocabulary words that I learn from all your posts and make them mine. This will help me build my construct, make people think I am intelligent, and best of all, it will make me feel superior. So far I have borrowed forever:

    1. magmatic
    2. aphoristic
    3. aulic
    4. anodyne

    3. Residual Benefits: I will learn to never, ever, ever become involved with a Narcissist ever again.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I need traits, so please supply me with these of your own free will so I can maintain my construct. The fuel will be my responsibility.

    Thank you
    K

  2. Dear K, I was just writing in present tense what happened months ago. Last fall more or less.
    I am not taking medications now and I haven’t been since I dumped his ass last year. How is that as a subsuming therapy.
    I am fine and dandy, enjoying sharing my story in an educated and specialized environment, since I may use some good hints on how to avoid the hoovers because he resurrected his freaking blog again (!) and I am being targeted….among God knows who else…you maybe?
    Thank you for your concern about my emotional and physical well being, should I start to stone myself to death again I will seek your help or my pusher whichever works best.
    I know you’ll understand.
    Sincerely
    G.

  3. Postscript

    My parents never loved me and when I meet someone who speaks of parental love, I sometimes ask, “What was it like to have parents that loved you?” As the individual expresses these feelings of love, I listen and feel inexplicably drawn to him or her; I want to get inside him and merge with him, so I can, somehow, access this love. Love that was denied to me as a child. The incredible attraction to merge and become one with someone else is something I am very familiar with and I am an empath.

  4. I have been thinking about this a bit. HG did a radio interview where he compared the narcissist-empath continuum to the face of a clock. The empath is to the left of 12, the narcissist to the right, separated by a fine line. I also read on-line that we are simply two different sides of the same coin. He ends this post with: [y]ou and I have merged and become one with one another. You are me and I am you. Tell me, how does this feel?

    It feels erotic and intoxicating.

    From my own childhood experience, I posit that what was stolen (through child abuse) from people like HG was, perhaps, transferred over to people like us in the process. His loss of love resulted in narcissism and that lost/excess love transferred over to us creating empaths. The balance was off so nature self-corrected by creating these two, seemly, diametrically opposed forces. Essentially, his loss is our gain. Perhaps, we are much closer than we would like to admit.

    No wonder the narcissist hates the empath. Can you blame them? I would hate the empath too.

    1. This reaffirms my comment from another post this morning where I asked why I feel so magnetically drawn to him no matter what I do. Erotic and intoxicating most definitely! These words ring so accurate to me.

      1. I am happy you concur. And that you are not afraid to admit it, either.

      2. Admitting it is only a small part of the battle, K. And I will also admit I am afraid to admit it. It scares the shit out of me that I can let one person affect me so much.

        This may sound cliche, but the magnetic pull I felt (still feel) toward him when I am near him is just ridiculous. It is a blessing that I am 860 miles away. As unhealthy and maddening as it is, I have never felt more attracted and drawn to someone. Pretty much what you described in your “post script” above. I can 100% relate to those feelings. Not only did I feel it with my brain but with my body too. Like I had no control. None. Like a magnet. He’d be talking to me and I would just interrupt him and start kissing him, out of nowhere. Which is not like me, I tend to not interrupt people unless it is some emergency or something. It was freaking insane! Desire to become one, indeed most definitely. Scary as F**K.

      3. gabbanzobean,

        You never have to apologize to me for the spelling or the grammar. The words that you convey are so important to my journey that I will gladly take them anyway you choose to present them. The value lies in your communication, not the syntax, and for that I am very grateful. Thank you.

        My ex-boyfriend used a lot of my vocabulary, but he taught me the occasional word or two. He was an excellent liar and manipulator but he didn’t do very well in school. I used to help him write e-mails and edit contracts. And I do believe my Ex knows something is up, but HG is correct, he wouldn’t take responsibility for it even if his life depended on it.

        And, yes, I have read two books so far, Fuel and Revenge. They were both excellent and I will be ordering more. Also, I have had one e-mail consult and that, too, was excellent.

        I am happy you are getting your answers. The blog and the comments are invaluable and will make your journey that much quicker.

        K

      4. I feel disgusted with myself that traits of his have rubbed off on me. Like the vocab thing. I now I suddenly find myself using big words all the time, I bought a word of the day calendar for Chrissakes! Not that I talked like some dumb stump before I knew him but now I enjoy furthering my vocab you know? He used to say “thank you muchly”….I found myself doing the same. Making similar jokes. Then again he did the same thing too and copied the stuff I said. Only difference is now he’s long gone and I am still stuck with these mannerisms. It annoys me that I still do them yet in some odd way I guess it is so I never forget the memories. Memories of what? An illusion? A fantasy? A person who was not real? Maybe to me those were the little things that must have been a part of who he was? I have no idea. But I hope I am making sense.

    2. Gabrielle,
      Thank you so much! You understand, excellent. It is not cliche, you feel the pull too, as do I. It is amazing and difficult to fathom. It is ok to be afraid to admit it, your trepidation is understandable, I too, am afraid. The draw is maddening, seductive and addicting. Emotive heroin forever impelling us to chase the dragon, which compels us to subsume, so we can ultimately consume. The desire to become one is tantalizing and, yes, you are right, it is frightening.

      1. Wow. I am totally creeped out right now especially at the whole “chasing the dragon” thing. He actually said this to me quite frequently.
        “I’m like the dragon that you keep on chasing….”
        I then jokingly turned it back on him and started calling him “Dragon” as a nickname. To act like a smart ass. 😉

        How utterly and unbelievably eerie.

        I had a consult with HG who identified him as a mid range cerebral. And he said that they don’t know what they are. I often wonder if he has little flickers of a realization that he knows what he is ( kind of like a light that shines dim and then a little bit brighter at times but then goes dim). Or maybe it’s just part of his manipulative personality who knows. Either way I am even more creeped out now at the usage of the dragon analogy.

      2. gabbanzobean,
        Initially, I had lumped my ex-boyfriend in with the lessers because I wasn’t sure about him, but since reading The Mid-Range Narcissist he has been up-graded. In retrospect, most of his intelligence seems spurious and he definitely does not know what he is, however, I had caught a flicker or two of uncertainty on his face, but who knows what I witnessed? They are truly puzzling creatures. Your observation is correct; it is utterly and unbelievably eerie.

      3. K,
        Mine is a mid range all the way, and a cerebral one at that. Oh the vocabulary could fill a dictionary. He always had an anecdote about something. Always Mr. charming Mr. nice guy. Have you read any of HG’s books. His definition for the Mid Ranger and definition for the cerebral were spot on with what I’ve been dealing with.

        I often question if mine knew what he was as well. But I don’t think he does. I had a consult with HG and he said Mid Rangers don’t know what they are. That they know that there’s something not right but they won’t attribute it to themselves and I never take any responsibility or accountability for their actions. Oh I have lost track of the number of times I’ve had stuff projected and back on to me over and over again.
        If you’re able to definitely do the email consult with HG. I’ve had two so far (and I have two questions remaining) and they’ve been very helpful and helping me understand everything.

      4. Gabrielle,

        What you wrote makes complete sense. Those memories, once so concrete, now feel like an illusion or dream. We wonder: Was it his sense of humor or someone else’s that I laughed at? Did he really like red wine or was he pretending just to extract fuel? Did he really like The Beetles or was that pretense too? It is mind-boggling and incomprehensible. My ex and I exchanged traits too. He took my misanthropy and I got his generosity. Of course, my generosity is genuine and comes with no-strings attached. Don’t be disgusted by your use of big words, make them yours and enjoy them. Consider it a residual benefit.

        K

      5. K,
        Yes! I wonder and question what was real and not real. The words, phrases, mannerisms, stories of his parents and childhood that he shared. Everything. When he originally befriended me it was through a mutual friend we had on Facebook. She knew him since her husband worked with his mom in the same office. The mutual friend and I are huge fans of The Simpsons (TV show) and would quote back and forth on Facebook. One day he interjected and quoted with us and then friended me “anyone who has such an encyclopedic knowledge of the show is automatically a friend to me”. He didn’t start love bombing me until about 7 months later (but when he did it came out of nowhere). I will spare the rest of how the relationship plowed ahead (I had a consult with HG and told him a shortened version of the entire backstory before asking my questions) but the cornerstone of it was that TV show.

        Finally there was someone who quoted the show encyclopedically like me. And related it to everyday life. I often now wonder if it was all fake. Like was he ever a fan of it at all the way my friend and I are? Or maybe he was a fan but not on a larger scale as us? Or he was not at all and just did his research to break the ice with me? He is a mid range cerebral and was very intelligent I am sure he would be a sponge for any info he needed.

        After he discarded me and I frantically kept trying to reach him (before coming here and learning what he is) he ignored me for awhile and then after a month or so he finally answered the phone. I was not expecting him to answer and I was stunned to talk so the first thing out of my mouth was a quote from that show. I referenced a scene from Moe the Bartender getting prank called by Bart and gave a line from it. As was customary in the past he would immediately reply back with the next line in the dialogue. This time he did but the dialogue of what was said next was wrong. I corrected him and he was indifferent, “Oh. Yes, that’s right. I am sorry I must have mixed up the episodes with that quote…”

        It was at that moment when I became even more confused. And after coming here, reading what I have read, knowing what I know, having had my email consults, I now question if he was ever a fan of that show at all. Or it was all a lie. A lie used to break the ice and worm his way in. Because after that we had so many other things in common too! Wow what a coincidence! And on and on and on as it usually goes….echoing what everyone else has shared.

        Another example was how much he loved Bruno Mars like I do. After the new album came out (before he discarded me for the final time, and I only use the term “final” as it has been the longest he has been silent with me now)….but anyway….he talked about it to me. The album that is. “I love the song ‘Chunky’…” he says. “That is my favorite on the album!”

        I wish I could see him face to face one last time. Get the damn truth. Yell at him…”DO YOU ACTUALLY OWN THAT BRUNO ALBUM? DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THE SIMPSONS? TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH YOU FUCKING LIAR!”

        I just want to hear him tell me “no”. Tell me it was all a lie. Reaffirm what everyone (here on this blog and in my real life) keeps telling me. That it WAS.NOT.REAL. I want him to just tell me that it was not real. File that one under “shit I will be waiting on forever”.

        Yeesh that was long. Thank you for listening and letting me share.

      6. Gabrielle,

        Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
        Moe: Homer who?
        Bart: Homer…Sexual.
        Moe: Wait one second, let me check….

        That show is so hilarious. God, I remember watching the very first episode with my high school boyfriend (an empath). Such fond memories.

        Yeah, I, too, wonder about his encyclopedic knowledge. My ex-boyfriend was like a sponge and could absorb and recycle any bit of information instantaneously, just like your ex. Let me share with you my thoughts on this. I noticed when my ex was getting his positive fuel from his IPSS he was no longer interested in anything we had shared in the past, probably because he was focused on getting only negative fuel from me, so all his energy was designated for that purpose; not those fond memories, quips or jokes that we had once shared. Poof! All gone.

        Your ex-boyfriend will never admit that it was all a lie (unless it suits his purposes), so take that off your bucket list. But, I have a feeling that you already know this, especially since you are here. On some level we all know it wasn’t real. Don’t apologize for the length; I enjoy listening.

      7. Hahahaha!!!! I have a You Tube clip of all of the prank phone calls Bart made to Moe. I listen to it all the time and laugh my ass off.

        And….you are right. I do know it. Accepting it though? That is a whole another struggle. Was it real or fake or part real? (the things he said he liked that is). I guess I will never know.

        One thing I did know was that he was a huge super hero fan. Superman, Batman, The Hulk, Captain America, Spiderman, anything else DC or Marvel comics. Just like a little boy. After he was intimate with me, he would cuddle me and just talk and talk and talk nonstop to me about anything super hero related. It was like I would get a lesson in all things super hero. It was his livelihood.

        I did not have this in common with him but I participated in it and showed genuine interest. And he seemed to enjoy that. I guess if anything that is the one snippet of him that seemed genuine.

        The rest of him….I guess I will never know.

      8. Gabrielle,

        Yes, I watch the clips too. Hilarious! We all need a good laugh after what we have been through. The accepting part is very difficult and I like to think of it as a work in progress. When you wrote about his interest in super heroes and how he liked to talk about them, it makes me wonder what he would have been like if he didn’t have NPD. All that lost potential. I think you may be right about his interest being genuine. And we all know that your interest wasn’t spurious, because that wouldn’t be very empathic, now, would it.

      9. K,
        Nope it would most definitely NOT be empathetic. And I remember him early on asking me if I was into superhero things. After he had everything in common with me of course. I was honest and told him I was familiar with them but not on the level or of the same fandom as he was. He began recommending movies and TV series shows to watch on Netflix and I followed all of his suggestions. He would always be so delighted to hear me talk about it with him after I watched something. He frequently said to me “you know I am a super hero right?” but he said it in a joking manner (favorite thing to wear was his superman t-shirt with the logo on it). Now that I recall I suggested some stuff for him to watch as well but he never paid much attention to it. And if he did he never talked to me about it. But I never pressed it or followed up. It was always me making him happy and paying my mind to his interests. Then again I was in love with him so why would I not put him first?

        Another thing I know was true was that he is a musician. (Composer/arranger). I went to one of his shows at the community town theater. He was on keyboard. I remember intently watching him play. He really gave it his all and seemed to love and enjoy being a part of the production. Unfortunately he was a struggling musician. Community theater stuff and the occasional wedding gig was all had had under his belt. He had a day job as a front desk/reception person in a doctor’s office. He was well liked there, all the patients and staff getting his million dollar smile and charming demeanor. Before coming here to this site I really did not see anything wrong with him. I thought a Narc was someone who was just really vain, arrogant and thought they were great. He had horrible self esteem and never carried that aura about him.

        So I guess the musical attributes and super hero complex were the only 2 parts I can validate to his personality. He spoke briefly of his childhood. His parents were divorced which was verified. He had step siblings and step parents since each of his parents remarried and brought their kids into the family. He did not tell many stories other than a mention to how he was always the “peacekeeper” with his mom and dad while growing up. But I have no idea if that was made up or the something that may have affected him. He seemed to talk of his father more than his mother, recalling fonder memories of his dad rather than his mom. He also said he had a sheltered childhood as well.

        I often wonder what happened to him to make him that way. Then again that is how we are isn’t it? Wanting answers as to “why” and explanations as to “how”.

        Thanks for allowing me to share further.

      10. Gabrielle,

        You are welcome. Your last post has just opened up another door in my journey. A door that I have foolishly ignored. I am going to go through that door and look for the answers in my memories. Thanks for allowing me to share with you.

  5. It’s not like this for all of us. It’s intriguing, and beautifully written. Harrowing and accurate for many, but not all of us.

    1. Dear Giulia,
      It is not your imagination. HG wrote that narcissists do not reside in our world, they have created a different world, with different rules. We cannot fight them; we can only escape them. The treacherous golden period draws you in, seducing you over and over again with that false promise of love. The temptation and betrayal is both breathtaking and heartbreaking in its enormity, and it is quickly followed by silence and isolation. In order to escape it, allow it to seduce you over and over again. Do not think about the devaluation, just the false love that feels so intoxicating, so warm and protective, that you never want to leave. Stay there. Now here comes the difficult part, think about the devaluation, feel the agony and horror. Don’t run from it. Narcissists view crying as a weakness, but for the empath it is a sign of strength. We are wired differently. Cry if it makes you feel better. There is no shame in it. Then do it over and over again till you no longer feel like the walking dead.

      I hope this helps
      Take care.

      1. Did you put youself through this torture?
        K…I think what you offer is crazy…to say the least.
        What I find helpful is the constant immersion in the truth that I find here. The truth that was withheld from me during the experience with the narc. The gap between my feelings, what I was told and the reality almost made me loose my mind. Nothing was adding up. I had no bearings whatsoever. Things kept changing like I was in a machine operated by an invisible hand.
        This is not just about having a short story with someone, have fun with it and then deal with the pain of letting go. The problem with narcs is that you are not allowed to let go, ever!
        You can’t have a standard story, fun in the beginning and then it’s over and “oh well let’s move on”, here you begin supercharged then you never stop falling, there’s always a lower point, worse than the one before and no end. You are captured and put in a cage. You can only escape at the first chance you have, not allowed to fail.
        I could never act like you are suggesting. It’s a dangerous game, I mean dangerous.
        I hope you meant something else, I hope I didn’t understand correctly what you said.

      2. Dear Giulia,
        you wrote: I live in fear, pain, anxiety. I start taking pills to sleep, to calm down, to take the anxiety away. I am afraid I am taking too many pills but the anxiety just doesn’t go away I must take more. How could I explain these things to my friends?

        Taking more pills to help anesthetize you to reality of your situation isn’t a very progressive approach, however, you must do what is best for you. Good luck with that.

        Take care

  6. Damn!!! You guys understand.. nobody else does!!! Sooo surreal and I was a fool to believe it was spiritual connection for so long. The spell is broken and I have built walls around me. We have all walked alone with his horrendous feeling but trust me IT DOES go away.. we do get FREE!!!
    Suddenly I feel like a normal human being again and the only thing .. READ ONLY thing is NO CONTACT EVER!!!
    I read somewhere that we should engage in STOVER in regard to hoovers and N SO TOTALLY OVER!!!
    Can’t believe so many of us here .. but HG is helping! The only way to get out of this craziness is via his books and this blog!!
    Feeling hopeless and down .. read here and you will slowly heal!

  7. It felt to me at first like my heart was sick beyond recovery; then it became a feeling of mind oppression because of my mind replaying every moment constantly. Once I got it – that nothing was real – I made myself imagine him as a hollow eyed robot. Only once in a while will one of the ton of pictures on FB be appealing. I have to immediately focus on the eyes again and see nothing there. I do feel sorry he has no love for anyone. I also think of something that HG said about the greater of his kind becoming the best and goals being accomplished by being unfettered by emotions. He is the best and although it’s for his own satisfaction, he still gives joy to others who take him at face value and just listen to his voice, meet him and go home very impressed, not expecting to be a close friend or anything. Hope that makes sense. I’m not endorsing NPD. It’s just that I am pretty much ok now. I can’t unhear his voice even if I wanted to. It’s the best thing about him and he hopefully has a lot of years left to impress listeners. I won’t ever feel the same towards him as a person .. never ever. It’s sad in a way like I lost my innocence and don’t fit in the fan groups anymore because it’s believed he is perfect in all ways.

  8. If your kind never bothers with the past, then why do they keep stalking their exes if fuel can be obtained elsewhere? Why is it so important to punish if the past does not matter since it can not be changed?

    1. Fair observation ABC, it is because the punishment resonates in the NOW by allowing us to gain excellent fuel. The past may not matter, but it allows us to achieve something in the here and now.

  9. Mr. Tudor, H.G., thank you again for your welcoming words. Question, please: if some fairy/genie/virtual realty app. would made it possible for you to feel (for one day):
    a) being loved (for what you truly are)
    b) to love (true love for a person)
    c) pain and sadness of a breakup
    Would you be interested in temporarily experiencing any of those feelings ? (comes to mind one of the final scenes in the Spielberg film “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” when the robot-child David is reunited with his mother -that died thousand of years ago but she is DNA-reconstructed for one day, and this time she is all his)
    Thank you so very much

  10. Sorry typo….meant to say “did NOT interact with him in day-to-day living”.

  11. This was intense. Sarah Jane you hit the nail on the head. Like being raped by a ghost! I was an LDR/DLS and did even interact with with him in day-to-day living. And I am still haunted beyond belief.

  12. Fetid breath for goodness sake???
    😷☹
    Blimey…how horrid.
    Sounds like a damned insidious incubus.
    Inhuman.
    Inhumane.

  13. Awful, terrifying, unsatiable hunger. Blackness of uncommensurable width and depth, the closer I get the stronger it draws me in. It is very difficult not to be sucked in and I fear for my life.
    All I want is to run away. It is monstrous and I can’t believe it. I think it might be just my imagination, a human being can’t be like this. Maybe I read too many fiction books, seen too many movies.
    But things don’t change, they get worse, I feel poisoned more and more each day. Before I could enjoy my work, now I act like a zombie. People ask me what’s wrong with me, I say nothing and I keep my fears for myself. I live in fear, pain, anxiety. I start taking pills to sleep, to calm down, to take the anxiety away. I am afraid I am taking too many pills but the anxiety just doesn’t go away I must take more. How could I explain these things to my friends?
    Nobody can understand. I feel alone, I am alone. It’s me and you fighting and my life is at stake.
    I can’t beat you at your game. I must play by my rules. That I know. My life, my rules, it’s the only way for me to save myself. If I start playing your game I’m lost.
    I have to get away, I must get away with all my strenght, with everything that I have inside. I call on all my resurces and I manage to shut you out.
    You must stay away. I must be dead to you. You shall not find me anywhere.
    I must never ever go back.

    1. Don’t run away giulia. Let him subsume you. It is intoxicating and it will set you free.

      1. I am always puzzled by these comments. People, women (!), who are asking for this. Didn’t you ever experience it? Because if you did, you can’t be looking for it. If you didn’t, I can understand you might be seduced by this darkness, thinking the pleasure must be great and after all worth all the pain. But it isn’t. I forgot the pleasure. All I have is pain and confusion, anger and scars. When you talk to me about intoxication I only remember the terrifying sensation of choking.
        You talk about freedom but all I feel is this evil spirit waiting to attack and devour me.
        He would set me free just like a car crash would set me free.
        In fact that’s how I consider this story, a car crash, broken bones, life months of recovery and life interrupted. Now slowly getting it back.
        So no, I have no desire to have another one, thank you. I’ll pass on that one. You go if you want to. I’ll give you his address: enjoy.

      2. giulia,
        You are the light, turn away from it and go towards the dark. That’s where you will find your answers. It is where I found mine. You have the knowledge and the weapons, don’t be afraid to use them; the power is in your hands and it is time to exercise it. It is monstrous and the anxiety and fear paralyzed me, too. You are fighting for your life and you shouldn’t be alone, none us should ever be alone. The loneliness is cruel and oppressive and it will destroy you, if you let it; don’t let that happen. The pain is horrific and I forced myself to face it, so I could be free. For the first time in my life I can feel agony, loss, hatred, joy, love and kindness all at once and it is exhilarating.

        giulia,
        if I were there with you, I would hold your hand and walk you through the dark and I would stay with you till you found all your answers. You would never feel loneliness with me by your side. I would never abandon you. You can only escape it by facing it and fighting it. You are worth the fight.

  14. It’s been months.
    We are hundreds of miles apart, yet I still feel his presence occasionally.

    Does the red yarn in the image represent the Red String of Fate?

  15. Yes I did feel that all that and it was frightening. Perhaps it was some sort of witchcraft to haunt me even though you are miles away. But now it’s been a few months and I feel something stronger that I haven’t felt with you for a long time – inner peace!

  16. So that is what narcopath meant in his last email to me when he said, ‘ Be safe’…? Oddly, I haven’t felt safe since I read those words. Isn’t that a surprise – not!

    1. My ex narc used to say ‘Be safe’ to me all the time when I left the house. It was a learned compliment to make me believe he cared. What that was code for was probably something along the lines of “Yay, I can phone Vanessa, or Marie in peace”

      I used to imagine myself sky-diving, or bunje-jumping whilst walking down the road… to amuse myself

      1. Mine used to tell me “text me and let me know when you’re home okay”. And he never even read the text until three days later. So nice of them to pretend to care isn’t it?

      2. Oh my… another similar example. We should be finding these things comforting, knowing many others have gone through the same experiences

  17. Like you’ve been raped by a ghost.

    Even logic and common sense seem unhinged.

    If our version of ‘love’ is real, and accepted, why shouldn’t theirs be too? There is no final bid for the interpretation of it. Some people (for their own greedy selfish needs and power) once decided that we need a prince, or a princess with such-and-such qualities to feel whole and loved. It doesn’t make it the truth. When a narc saw certain qualities in other people that made them feel weak, they decided to mimick them in order to never feel that way again (understandably so). I think that made them ‘be’ in the world again, be in the *game*. As long as it’s someone else taking those knocks and not them, all is well.

    When we communicate with other people, on whatever level, we all risk ‘losing’ something. We become stripped of our being. Why, when we are surrounded by this (through no fault of our own) should we tolerate ‘losing’ something? If we are seen to be brainwashed in the first place, what’s damage is a little more going to do through the eyes of a narc? None.

    Interacting with ‘objects’ and ‘things’ seems to be a safe haven when you think about it

  18. Ok
    I can tell you

    Deep and deeper
    Deep and deeper
    Until I feel
    The real
    Fulfilment

    Until
    I feel
    That we are one

    Until
    I’m yours
    And you are mine

    I like so much
    When you look
    In my eyes

    Oh…
    So deeply
    In my
    Eyes

    Deep and deeper…….
    Deep and deeper…….
    ……..

  19. Wow, trying to shake the “presence” has been like trying to swim through quicksand, or better yet as you put it being squeezed to death, no doubt the coils of a poisonous snake. I need to take a break from these today.

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