Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done. This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good. He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached. The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.
The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.
- The Joy Has Gone
We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.
- The Compliments End
I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.
- A Sudden Realisation
Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.
- But You Thought I Hated That
Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.
- The Sudden Complaints
Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.
20 thoughts on “Volte Face”
Every article is a layer off the onion you are peeling away. For me aside from your articles easing the pain what I most love is the knowledge I am gaining. You mentioned in one of the blogs a couple of weeks ago that “this was just skimming the surface” in regards to all you have shared so far. Did I get that right and if so, could you explain-a bit.
Thanks for another great one!
Yes it means I have a lot more information to provide to you.
‘Gaslight’, an old film with Ingrid Bergman – another good film, where he tries to make her feel like she’s going insane by twisting her melon.
My narc used the words ‘unstable’ and ‘crazy’ in response to his exes – yet praised them at the onset of our relationship
Girl on a train is a great potrait of a narcissist. Even to the point that in the beginning you think Emily blunt is the nutcase.
Well explained and to the point as usual HG. Thank you 🙂
Thank you Catlady.
HG, do you utilize a favourite volte face with appliances ?
I do. Number four usually.
Very familiar with all that..
damned my stupidity and insistence to show off that i am not ” stupid” ..
Hello H.G. Have you watched by any chance “The Girl on the Train” (starring Emily Blunt)?
As the plot unfolds it is gradually made clear that Justin Theroux’s character is conning, gaslighting and abusing the three women in his life (ex-wife, IPPS and DLS).
I first watched it during a long flight, proudly smiling in the dark because thanks to your writings, I knew from Blunt’s first (!) sentence that we are dealing with a N here.
So, the downside of your teachings: they can spoil thrillers.
No I haven’t seen that film. Good that you can recognise the various roles and dynamics however.
I haven’t seen the film though I have read the book. I didn’t spot the Narc when I read it but I did read it pre narc awareness.
I’m not a lover of TV but I might start tuning in and playing ‘spot the narc’. Endless hours of entertainment! 😁
Hi narseeker! I like your comment about the downside! Now
that you mentioned it …I have caught myself being a ” narc scanner”… 😀
I’ve heard “stop making things up” when i raise a point. 😄
I can actually laugh abt it now that i see it written here in black and white.
I got some things that were similar too but worded as ass kissing compliments. For example…
“Your memory is impeccable, Gabrielle!”
“Wow you remembered when I said that? That is amazing. You are amazing. You always remember every detail, every word, you are like a sponge. I love your mind.”
“I cannot believe you actually remembered that. That is incredible.”
And then it spun off to comments like…
“You’re overthinking again. You have no idea how to not think do you?”
“My poor sweet Gabrielle, driven mad by her own mind!”
“Have you ever considered the fact that you do not really have an anxiety problem? That perhaps I just exacerbate it? It became so much worse when I came along you know…”
And so on.
I got ‘you’re overthinking’ too. 🙆
Ahhhhh #3. The Ex. First it was “she’s a psycho and wanted too much from me”. Ummm okay. You were cheating on your wife with her. You made her think you were going to leave your wife for her. Sounds to me like she was just expecting what you were promising.
Then it was….”And I chose my wife and never spoke to my ex again. I will never leave my wife. Ever. I will die first. You are nothing like her. You understand that I have a family who needs me. That is why I love you so much. Now Gabrielle let us stop talking about this because it drags my whole day down to a zero okay?”
Fast forward to about 7 months later when he told me that our relationship was over but he wanted to “be my friend”. I said “really? You can be friends with an Ex?”
Then his story was….”Well you know K (the ex) and I still check in with each other a few times a year. It is important that I am there for her when she needs me. I screwed her over pretty bad! I had her believing I was going to leave my wife for her. I owe her. Therefore I am there for her whenever she needs me. I will not abandon her. And I will not abandon you either!”
Going on 2 months of silence. LOL. I often wonder if he is back with that Ex or a new slice of meat. In addition to his poor wife who he would die if he ever left.
The psycho ex… How I loathed her. Such a good little protector was I… And now I’m her to his new prospect and anyone else who’ll listen to his whining, but worse since we lived together and I ruined that for him too. Poor manipulative Malcolm. Boohoo 🙈🙊🙉
#3. Once I was hooked he shoveled this one out at me. The good news is: she does not want him. She has another, a great man. And she is happy. So happy. He is not. And that makes me happy.
Isn’t this a picture of your ex-girlfriend? Sadly I have experienced all of your shenanigans listed above. Let me guess, that really is a picture of me too.