Warning Letter

WARNING

“Dear Victim.

Well here we are again. Or rather, here I am again. I referred to we because as I mentioned in my first letter to you, I do not really distinguish between you and all the others, so what is about to happen next seems to me as if it has happened with you, numerous times before. What is going to happen is something that I have done so many times before with so many other victims so one thing to keep at the forefront of your mind is that you are not alone in being subjected to what will come next.

It has been amazing so far hasn’t it? I told you I would love you like nobody else ever has and I delivered. Okay, I was actually loving your praise, love, admiration and adoration of me, but to you it felt like I loved you in a way which went beyond anything you had ever experienced before. That certainly kept you happy. You told me every day how happy you were. You told your friends, your family, your colleagues, the man at the hot dog stand, in fact anybody who would listen. I enjoyed watching you do that. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Here I was able to make you tell the world about our perfect love and goodness me have you loved me perfectly. You told me every day just how much you loved me. You cared for me, looked after me and helped me in so many ways. From letting me use your car when I crashed mine to scratching my back as I lay in bed at night ready to sleep. Of course it was not all one way. I gave you everything I could. I only did it though, to get your fuel. I give to receive. I do not know any other way. You sometimes told me about your love for me being without condition. I didn’t understand what you meant. No, that is wrong. I understood what you meant but I struggled to imagine doing this. I love you with so many conditions, the chief one being that I only actually love you for the fuel that you give me. Not for who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this and even longer to accept that this is the case. This is why I am writing this letter so that you can keep reading and re-reading it in order to allow it to sink in. After all, nobody else is going to be able to tell you how it really is will they? Anyway, it has been brilliant so far. Ordinarily I would claim that that is all down to me, after all am I not brilliant? It is a fact however that you more than played your part. You gave me absolutely everything. Your heart, your soul and you poured every essence of your being in to the concept of us. I know you did this because I could see you doing it. I had to because I needed that in order to sustain me. The more you gave, the more brilliant I became, so you gave even more in return. It was an upwards spiral. Two people working in magnificent harmony. You because you believed in us. Me because I needed your fuel. Not that you ever realised this. Why would you? I became the perfect partner, complimenting you, praising you and loving you in that oh so spectacular way. It was intense, it was scintillating and I made sure I became everything that you would want from a relationship. It was a great deal for us both. I made you feel ultra-special. You gave me the ultra fuel that I need. Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not, you still got what you wanted didn’t you? I should imagine you would argue that it did matter because you truly believed that I loved you for who you are and that should be the case. I can understand why you would think like that. You are big on this love thing aren’t you? That is why I picked you of course, that and many other reasons as well, but that played a big part. I wonder though; if nothing altered, if I kept treating you the same way forever as I have done so far, even though it is predicated on a completely different basis to the one you think it is, would that trouble you? You wouldn’t know of course. All you would know is that I continuing to give you the apparent love you crave, in the manner that you have come to expect and in a fashion that makes you feel so special. I don’t suppose you would be particularly upset if that remained the case would you? The thing is though, that isn’t going to happen. Yes, you read that correctly. What has happened so far, marvellous as it is, is effectively at an end. Oh, you will be allowed some glimpses of the person you thought I was, from time to time, in order to keep you with me, but to all intents and purposes this golden period of unparalleled love has come to an end. You won’t realise this because first of all you just cannot accept that something so wonderful could end in this manner. Second of all you will not realise because of what I am going to do. I am going to confuse you, bewilder you and befuddle you. I am going to make everything hazy, amorphous, nebulous, blurred and indistinct so you are not going to understand what is going on.

Why am I going to do this? Well something has changed. I would usually explain, if I ever felt that an explanation should be given (and I operate from the stance that I owe you no explanations because I am unaccountable) that as usual it is your fault. You have let me down. I do believe that to be the case. I wish it was not. I wish this wonderful period could have continued for the rest of our days together but it cannot. What once invigorated me and made me feel powerful just does not do so in the same way anymore. Don’t think you are alone in this happening. You are not. All the others let me down as well. It is as if you are not trying any longer. It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me. I know that others have said to me in the past that nothing has changed in the way that they feel about me, that they love me just as much as they always have done. Yet even though they tell me this it does not feel like that anymore to me. The power I felt when you showed me that love and admiration is either no longer there or not as strong. I cannot help it. That is the way that I feel. Since I have not changed in the way that I regard you, I can only reach the conclusion that this alteration in how I feel has been brought about as a consequence of you. Something in the way you act towards me has altered. You perhaps are not giving enough of yourself to me, you are not manifesting the love, the admiration and the adoration in the way that powers me. It might be that sometimes it feels stale to me, that has happened, perhaps it is because you have become too familiar to me and therefore I do not derive the same reaction that I once did to the way you have behaved. I know that this has been suggested to me but I do not know if it is right. For so long you behaved the same way towards me, loving me in that wonderful way and it did not feel stale or jaded. I think, more likely, it is because you have begun to treat me differently. You are not performing at the level that I require and therefore to me this means you no longer regard me in the same light and this offends me. I feel criticised by this behaviour of yours and therefore I have to protect myself. You see, I do not like criticism. In fact, I hate it and therefore I need to act promptly to defend myself against this criticism. That is why I have to do what comes next. I had hoped this would not happen. I had hoped that you would be The One so this could be avoided. I had hoped you would not let me down, that I had made the right choices and decisions so that our golden reign could continue forever. I guess I got it wrong, although it is not something I would ever openly admit, I do not want to be seen as wrong because that suggests weakness and that is the last thing I want you to think I am. So, here I am again, about to protect myself from your implied criticism. Anybody else would say sorry for what is about to happen, but as you will soon find out, I do not do apologies. I am sorry for myself that it has come to this of course. I am full of self-pity when the need arises. So, that is the end of the golden period we had. I must do what I have done so many times before and bring the hurt. I will stop now as I have some planning to do, but I will write again. You might want to put your tin hat on and buckle up. This is where it turns nasty.

 

Yours in disappointed fury

N. Arc

X”

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43 thoughts on “Warning Letter”

  1. “Please stay. I love you”, said the Empath

    It seems as though we empaths are the selfish ones in this one. It makes sense in the world of the narc. We want/ache/long/ for something back – your love (matched perfectly to the way we love you). This appears to be a bad thing looking upon it like that. Narcs think outside the box, and they possess qualities that excite us because we stand solid with our principles, beliefs and morals, when we should be allowing ourselves to taste your grass instead of just looking at it. Maybe all the narc wants is that unconditional love everyone speaks of, but in its’ true form… ‘No Matter What’ kind of love – and this has become clear reading this. Why should someone change who they are to match a majority? These are the perspectives I find endearing. They seem purer than the empaths

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    1. SarahJane1977,

      I can agree with you here. The thing that hurts the most is knowing that I still loved him even if those words and acts were still not enough. Even after all the abuse we went through trying to fulfill those aches in one another. The feelings I had never changed during the outset but the standard for his wants changed as he disappeared from my life like a ghost after the chaos. I hung on for years but I do not blame him even to this day. He only does what he knows. Perhaps everyone has their own sense of love. Thank you for sharing this perspective.

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      1. Thanks, KDB
        It’s refreshing and more liberating (not to mention feeling a little closer to the real truth), to think like this, as we Empaths love to do the ‘S’cuse me ma’am… just ONE more thing?’ Columbo kick – we cannot let anything lie in our minds, we need to know.

        No, I don’t blame my narc either. ‘Ownership’ is the Empath’s problem I think – wanting to possess something that does and acts the way we want it to. A narc’s need for fuel then seems less bothersome in the grand scheme. We can all choose to walk away from anything we do not like, but love is not logical… it’s a mystery

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  2. …as if they relly ARE waiting for that one person that will do that – above and beyond all else. But no-one ever has. Someone always spoils it. Each has a right to their own set of rules when it comes to love. I can see why the supposed ‘earache’ of the Empath spoils it for the narc.

    In Dreams, I Walk With You – Roy Orbison
    #BlueVelvet

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  3. I think narcs hold back hope on a huge scale catapult. That’s where the fury comes from. Imagine a blow up version of the word H.O.P.E, waiting to be flung off somewhere nice.

    They want someone to cut the elastic and free them

    OR, this is an empath speaking

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  4. “I was able to make you tell the world about our perfect love and goodness me have you loved me perfectly”

    There is something wrong with this sentence

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  5. There is no perfect love. And there is no perfect human. If we were perfect, we would be something like a god. We are not. And there is no unconditional love. Not on your side- not on our side. That is just a dream. Reality is that we both! did not get, what we needed in childhood: respect for our individuality.

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  6. Hello HG

    I wonder if you can enlighten me here please. Do you feel like you change into a different person with each ‘romantic’ partner you have?

    I ask this as I know my ex changed considerably over the years…only really looking back can i notice it more, of course the fog clouded it at the time. Apart from his hobbies/interests I mean. You’ve mentioned about the likes and dislikes changing as part of your fuel gathering but do you pick things up and drop them along the way as people in your life come and go? Mannerisms, phrases etc?

    I’m sure my ex did…..I was his wife so I presume it was as his various intimate partners, in whatever position they held, came and went. Makes me shudder to think it now. The depths of his disloyalty.

    I even commented once along the lines of how he didn’t ever used to be like this before (unkind, off hand etc) and he answered “yes, I wonder what you did to make him run away”. Another time, in asking him where the person who spoke kindly to me had gone, where the person who looked at me with love in his eyes was. He replied with a voice cold as ice, “As for him? He left a long time ago.” Brrrrrr.

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  7. That was just a very impulsive reaction of my own. I will overthink it over night and give you a more appropriate answer to your topic.

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  8. It was actually almost as if he had multiple personalities. Do you know of this presenting itself in narcissism?

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  9. One step away from becoming my slave you turn against your adoring queen.
    I had a reign, all I needed was you to be my servant.
    Farewell. All is lost.

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  10. Ive asked myself the question many times about whether it bothers me to know his love is fake and im embarressed to say im content to accept his love whether its fully fake or partially because its completed the part of me that was a gaping hole. This is why its so hard to just leave because i remember how it was before him.
    He supplies me with his fake love which is very convincing and i supply him with all the love i have to give. Its never perfect tho and deep down i know im taking a huge risk but its too late at this point 6 yrs later.
    Even with a warning letter im afraid id not be able to leave. The dependancy is just too strong and our lives meshed. I think itd be easier if he were to discard me but im not so sure thatll ever happen. Id rather he make that move bc i never could. I tried and it only lasted a week and at that point the mask was fully off but in a way he could say it wasnt him. Im not sure hes ever discarded anyone. So i wait and see what happens hoping in more time the nature of our relationship changes so its easier to let go. I know im kidding myself tho. I love the narcissist with all my heart but i wish wed never met. Life would be so different.

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    1. Hello Narc Affair,
      My last ex was a good many years ago now. I could not let go of him either, and used to supply him with fantastic fuel. I met his family, went to his sisters wedding etc. As the months went on it began to dawn on me that he would make a terrible father, I could make a bad decision for me, but not for any future children. I then turned into an infuriating and clingy bore. I went on and on and on and on about how I wanted kids and would physically smother him with crazed neediness on a daily basis. I think I was definition of crazy, and the complete opposite of the “how to keep your man” advice. I think mostly unconsciously, drove him away. I knew deep down that I was not strong enough to finish with him in the usual way, I had to make him not want me any more. He took a good time to dump me despite this. Of course I was still devastated, subjected to hoovers confused and broken hearted but at least he was gone, and he is definately gone now.
      You can make him dump you if you are clever enough my friend.

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    2. Narc affair

      i am in the same hopeless situation.. .
      although i want to escape.. now i behave like a narc ..
      and i am addicted ..
      maybe is their aim:
      to turn us like them?

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  11. “I give to receive”
    I feel more like you give to TAKE.

    My greater seems to be not 100% comfortable of receiving. He preferes to take…
    Why?

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    1. You’re not in control. Passively receiving won’t get it done for him. HE determines whether to like what you “give” and whether to accept it as the gift you mean it to be. In other words, it gets old. He needs a challenge, but when you do … beware the fury. We can’t win, as much as we try to love them and please them, you’d best be shored up to weather the disdain and devaluation. He WILL be busy love-bombing a new, exciting primary to take your place. It could be days, months, years or decades. And meanwhile he’ll be fucking many candidates. I’ve cried tears that felt like my life’s blood draining from my body. All I got was a sneer. Now I know why. HG is a wonderful tutor, don’t you think? Better listen.

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  12. “All the others let me down as well. It is as if you are not trying any longer. It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me.”
    Is this about avoiding abandonment? The first sign he/she might not see you as perfect triggers a flight response to avoid being abandoned first.

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  13. I know I devalued my narc, only because I thought he was merely conceited. Now, I realize what he is, thanks to you, HG. Had I only known just how much — life and death actually — he needed my adoration, I would have given it abundantly. But, as you have said, in the end it HAS to hurt. Even my constant and abundant adoration wouldn’t have staved the pain that loving a narc would surely bring. I’m crying.

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  14. HG, can I ask a question that is not about narcissism? I would like to know what sort of books you like to read the most. Which authors do you like the most. I know you read Shakespeare, for sure. Good night, All! Can’t sleep.

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    1. I do not have the time to read as much as I would prefer. I have a wide range of authors whose work I read – Brett Easton Ellis, Iain Banks, Aldous Huxley, Shakespeare, Chaucer, J G Ballard, Irvine Welsh, Ray Bradbury, George Orwell, Charles Dickens and others.

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  15. Question? Community and HG…
    So I share for kids with my ex narc. It has been recurring more and more that items of the children are turning up missing as he returns them. Last week it was a flip-flop this week as a sweatshirt. Of course he does not replace them. Should I bring it up to him or just let it be. If I bring it up does that perpetuate it without any change anyway? And obviously I have to replace the items on my own. Or do I just not say anything in the first place and replace the items on my own as usual. Perhaps I should document it separately so has when I get a big bunch of Injustice is like this I can present it to my lawyer for some type of future game? I don’t know I’m just asking what everyone’s opinion is on this. Of course the funny thing is when I do write to him in our court appointed app to communicate I say you lost Ella sweater please replace it. He then respond back to me I did not lose it it is in her school bag. Of course it is not in her school bag or I would not be telling him he lost it. But that doesn’t seem to matter he just writes back I did not lose it it is in her school bag. It’s crazy. This is the same scenario with homework. He doesn’t do all of the kids homework. He might do one for 5 pieces of homework for one kid and that one thing might be incomplete or wrong. I have to recheck everything and finish doing the homework that he does not do. And of course I take a picture and I sent it to him in the court appointed communication app and I say you did not do this homework. To which she replies I have completed all of the homework. As usual. I’m to the point now where clearly I just don’t even bother because cuz you know what can you do with that? He doesn’t do it but he says he does it. So the best I can do is just to document on the side and build a case that way. But any advice on the kids items like the flip flop in the sweatshirt and potential future items that will be lost. Any advice on how to handle that or think about it or what to do? Thank you in advance

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    1. Hi findinglife11….only just seen your post, I’m sorry it doesn’t look like you had any replies on this yet….

      Firstly hats off to you for doing what has to be up there with World’s Hardest Jobs – sharing children with a N.

      I experienced similar situations too and rose to the bait for a while in the beginning. Quickly discovered it made no difference and also hardly ever garnered a response. Which infuriated me!!! Which I also realised was exactly what he wanted. My communications simply gave credence to his smearing of me to the OW and associated groupies which had become his new life.

      Our children’s clothes/favourite toys continued to go missing, homework continued to be either overlooked or sadly just given to the children left to get on with on their own (not as I’d originally hoped, offer an opportunity for them to have some quality time with their father.) Anything I mentioned as even remotely problematic resulted in him being even worse the next time he had them.

      So I adopted a choose your battles approach, only raising anything of serious concern ( health, safety, emotional wellbeing etc) and even that was repeatedly met with silent treatment, word salad, blame shifting.

      I documented everything (so I knew I wasn’t going mad as much as on advice from lawyers) and kept conversations via text only so it’s all on record. If he rang I let it go to voicemail.

      I then concentrated on educating the children in all things associated with helping them feel safe and confident in themselves. It’s a work in progress but really helped them lots (lessened their upset after being with him) and also vastly reduced my anxiety. I also pointed out they need to remember to do a sweep for their stuff before coming home!

      It hasn’t fixed everything (he still walks the planet) and there are many loose ends, but realising i can’t control how my ex behaves or treats our children was a turning point for me. I can only prepare them for dealing with this particular brand of crap and hopefully it will stand them in good stead for the big bad world when they’re older too. I wish someone had done the same with me!

      Sorry for the tome. Hope it’s of some use to you. We can do this!

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  16. Hi HG,
    yeah, this feels real. Thank you. You know, back in the golden period I just feeled that he also tried so badly to make it work. He wished I was The One, and I tried my very best to become The One for him. Lost myself on the way, lost my superpowers, fuel provision decreased, got discarded. Self-pity for himself, yeah that’s true too. Just sad.
    Ashes

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  17. HG, perhaps you have heard of HM? HM (Henry Gustav Molaison, known as “patient HM”), was considered one of the most important patients in the history of brain science and memory research. He suffered from a rare condition: after he had undergone surgery (in his late 20’s), he woke up without the ability to form new memories. A permanent condition. He did retain his intellectual abilities and his long term memories, but people had to be introduced to him each day anew
    (http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/the-man-who-forgot-everything).
    It seems that such a neurological condition would be a welcomed feature in a victim of your kind: a subject (like HM) who is constantly amazed and surprised ,does not get used to the N, the N’s tales and jokes are always new and fresh (and therefore, no “eyes rolling”), and therefore is able to supply fuel, admiration that- I suppose- does not go stale.
    But maybe there is no use to ponder about tissues of short term memory consolidation in a person, when you can achieve constant replacement of old empaths with new ones . Same function, I guess..

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  18. Good evening HG….I do hope I didn’t offend you by replying to something else including a reference to another author’s book. Especially as I’ve yet to read yours…..for no other reason than I’m not sure I’d find the time! I’m enjoying dipping in and out of your blog and spend too much time already doing that tbh.

    Anyway….just wondered if any particular reason my comments on this aren’t here yet….I understand the whole busy and questions take longer thing but I’ve mentioned the same theme in a couple of my other replies a while back and they’re also still in moderation. Would you rather I ask you via your email? Or perhaps I’ve missed the answers already elsewhere – could you direct me if so please.

    Thank you

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    1. Hello VFH,

      No offence taken, not at all.

      It is simply the case that there are lots of questions, comments for me to moderate and I do not have the time to address them all each and every day (keeping in mind the communications that come from other platforms as well).

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