Have You Seen Who He Is With?



You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not announced out of breath taking admiration for the person who has replaced you. You are not looking on a stunning beauty who holds down a high-powered position in a major corporation, or who is a leader in her particular field of research. She is not known for her charitable work, being universally liked, someone who is committed to family and friends, someone who shines like a gilded trophy partner. She is the opposite.

You invariably undertake an inventory of your own selling points. I have witnessed this many times. You know that you are attractive. Many people have commented on this. Whether it is your glowing smile, your radiant eyes, your lustrous locks, your curvaceous figure, enticing cleavage, elegant shoulders and a score of other things, there is plenty about you that attracts the admiring looks. You may not be a Nobel Prize winner but you know you are bright, hard-working, articulate and have a keen interest in the world around you. You are well-liked by people. They praise your compassion, your wicked sense of humour, your wild side after a few tequilas or your competitive yet fun nature when it comes to sports and games. You are independent, aware and resourceful. You have an excellent job, you probably had money (until we appeared and leeched it away), a decent home and those trappings which denote the fact you are in regular employment and have good taste. You know you are a catch and that is not a boast. There is always room for improvement and you have your flaws, hey, who doesn’t? Nevertheless, you know you have plenty going for you.

But who on earth have we chosen?

You may not wish to be unkind to another member of the sisterhood but your jaw dropped when you saw that first picture that was posted on Facebook. We were stood there, huge grin on our face, arm wrapped around this new acquisition who is, well, everything you are not. If you are curvaceous, she is rake thin. If you are slender, she is packing some beef. Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course. Your elegant dress sense has been replaced by somebody who got dressed in the dark. Your eyes shine with intelligence. Hers are dulled from idiocy, drink or narcotics. Your nails are long and sharp, hers are bitten down and dirty. You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag, has a reputation around town for being a slut, had her children taken away from her, is known for shoplifting, comes from a notorious family on the other side of town and so on and so forth. Pick any combination and you will be left with someone who is not a patch on you.

You may have an initial surge of pride that you stand head and shoulders, metaphorically and possibly even literally, above your replacement, but we know that this is often overtaken by a sense of confusion and bewilderment. Why on earth have we chosen someone like her? After all the compliments that we gave you about the way you looked, how you behaved, the various characteristics that we praised and admired in you, why have we gone down market in choosing your replacement and why do we look so damned pleased about it?

There are a number of factors which you should have regard to.

  1. You may be witnessing a Panic Pick. If you escaped us and we had not embedded a new primary source of fuel, you will have forced us to rely on supplementary sources as we frantically sought out a new source of primary fuel. This is the result. We would ordinarily target someone who has the traits which we look for which align with the type of the narcissist that we are, however, the need to put in place some form of primary source is paramount and consequently we will sink our claws into the nearest half-decent (in terms of fuel provision) appliance we can locate, target and seduce. This person is the outcome of this. Your cessation as being our primary source of fuel, threw us into a panic and we have picked this person.
  2. It may be an Immediate Ego Boost. This also occurs when you have escaped us. Your escape is a huge criticism to us and wounds us. We need fuel and we need it soon. This person has not been targeted for the characteristics which we might purloin from them for our own use (as we did with you – claiming your successes and achievements as our own, basking in the reflected glory) nor have they been targeted for the residual benefits (money, status, good home and so on). This person has been targeted because they are so grateful to have someone take an interest in them that the fuel is gushing and pouring from them. It is likely, although not guaranteed (dependent on the type of narcissist that we are) that we will be a decent catch (or at least appear as one) for them. They feel extra special for having someone so good looking, successful, interesting and so forth take an interest in them. They cannot believe their luck at having traded up in the relationship stakes. Their reaction is one of total devotion, massive fuel supply and this makes us feel all the better after the wounding that we have received at your hands.
  3. It may be a Two Fingered Salute Triangulation (or a Middle Finger Triangulation dependent on where you hail from) which has been done entirely on purpose to undermine you. This happens where we have discarded you and we want to make you feel alarmed that we have chosen someone so beneath you but we chose them over you, so how bad will that make you feel? If you ever challenge us about this replacement and how unsuited she is, you can expect the exchanges to go something like this.

“You always told me that you loved my long hair.”

“I was lying. You took too long drying it when we wanted to go out. I have always preferred short hair and Sandy’s is just the way I like it.”

“You told me you didn’t like skinny women.”

“I never said that. You are just jealous because you are fat and I have found someone who really does it for me.”

“She doesn’t even work, you’ve always complained about people who are scroungers.”

“She looks after me. It is a shame you didn’t do that but you cared more about your job than me.”

“She is some two-bob skank whore. Everyone knows that.”

“She is a firecracker in the sack believe me. What would you know, you are an ice queen?”

Whatever part of the replacement’s appearance or whichever characteristic you identify as being undesirable, we will negate that, criticise you (even though we have always said we liked said characteristic of yours). This is done to upset you so you provide fuel, demean you and erode your self-esteem whilst making us look good in the eyes of your replacement. If this happens to you, you should consider that what is actually happening is that you are being given an early and brutal dose of the truth. What really mattered to us was your fuel and all that praise and all the compliments was solely done for the purposes of binding you to us.

  1. This arrangement provides the basis for a Triangulated Hoover to win you back which stands a greater chance of success.

“I was so lost without you, I lost the plot and chose her. I have no idea what I was thinking, she was not a patch on you, do you see how much you mean to me? I could not find anybody who came close to you. I made a huge mistake and she made me realise that it is you that I really do love. Let’s try again?”

The comparison between you and this less endearing individual and our apparent remorse and contrition is designed to maximise the prospects of this hoover succeeding. You will be shocked by how “off the rails” we appeared to go in choosing the skanky individual and you will be relieved by our apparent realisation that you are the one for us that you are far more likely to accept our overtures and be hoovered.

We will behave like we have found our soul mate (sound familiar?) in order to confuse you and make you feel utterly miserable that we are now happy with this person who we chose over you. You will invariably be caught in the grip of still wanting us and therefore to have been discarded and then replaced with someone like her, hurts you hugely.

Accordingly, should you ever find yourself remarking,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

On the basis of sheer amazement at the down-trading that has gone on, you will now understand the motive and rationale behind it. You should also keep in mind that whichever of the four scenarios detailed above has happened, your replacement will not be in situ for long. This person is a temporary primary source of fuel who will soon be dispensed with. This person is a stop gap to allow us to receive sufficient fuel in the interim while a more suitable and longer lasting victim is selected or is a method purely designed to lash out at you and hurt you until we find again someone more suitable and longer-term.

For once we are not reflecting you.


50 thoughts on “Have You Seen Who He Is With?”

  1. Reblogged this on No Way Back and commented:
    Another wow factor! This is so the truth in my situation. I am glad it is a recognised condition. My brain does not work like his. I’m not saying I’m better but I don’t use people for my own vanity and esteem. Yet!
    Does being victim to this boost ones reslove to not be walked over again which give one more oomph and self confidence which could then be perceived as narcissitic in how you treat people. It is a fine line.
    I now have 4 suitors – how do I cope? What do I do. I feel bad. One would be enough but it is like the universe is giving me some choices. Choices that I never had these past years. I fel validated, worthwhile, that I could mean something to someone else, that people want to know me. That I can survive this trauma. I will not turn arrogant just confident. I will not be cruel just straight talking. I treat others how I’d like to be treated; Honesty, clarity, empathy and respect.

  2. Thank you HG, makes sense now. How exhausting it must be for the IPPS to be put through the cycle over and over again….sad existence.

  3. Dear HG, I am curious to know how some of your kind stay in relationships or marriages for 10, 20 or more years. I mean what about the cycle and the discard? If appliances are replaced so fast and so often, how does one stay with one appliance for years…I’m confused by this, does the appliance not get stale? Thank you, KM

    1. Hello KM, first of all, there is no such thing as a discard, it is a dis-engagement (although I have used the word discard in earlier works because people recognise the term). Where there is a longer relationship you have to consider that these factors will be in play:-

      1. We have Prime Aims – fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Whilst fuel is the most important, the other two are important also. This means that with some of our kind the attraction of the traits and residual benefits can prolong the relationship;
      2. Negative fuel will be drawn through these relationships;
      3. There are often Respite Periods granted to the IPPS victim. This means they receive a new golden period so there is no need to dis-engage yet;
      4. The other parts of the fuel matrix. You may have a narcissist who is either cold or unpleasant to his IPPS who is in devaluation and he has repeated affairs with Shelf IPSSs who are never promoted to IPPS but this contrast between IPPS in devaluation (negative fuel) and IPSSs in golden periods (positive fuel) means the IPPS relationship remains prolonged and there is no dis-engagement;
      5. The cadre and school of the narcissist – e.g. a Victim Narcissist has a reduced turnover of IPPSs
      6. Ping Pong Behaviour – a narcissist may shuttle back and forth between two people, alternating them between IPPS and IPSS. They may remain married to one person and then leave and have an affair with someone else, then come back and then go back etc.

          1. Midranger turnover is high then because I remember you saying that it does not take much for them to move on?

      1. He made every one feel so final. Even on his public IG rant to me Good bye! I am done! Oh take a break and we shall see maybe one day we will meet again. No. You said goodbye so goodbye it is. It took many months to take the right stance myself but I finally think I am going to be ok where he is concerned. Fantasized a bit about him last night for some reason, but it quickly passed. The hardest part was to make the decision for him to have his disgard really be one.

  4. This is so interesting. I was once dumped for a woman who was extremely mouthy and argumentative in public. Completely different from me physically, blonde, tiny, (fair enough) Not a high achiever to put it mildly (was trying not to judge in my highly annoyed state) Years later during one of the many hoovers I was subject to I asked in what I thought was a restrained fashion. “I understand that you finished it, I just don’t understand, why Her?” He said “Don’t think that you are the be all and end all, where women are concerned”

    1. That is when you really see their predatorial nature. They aren’t relating to a person, exchanges of intimacy. Its a ‘ woman’. Not a person with unique qualities. I am not my narc’s type. But the 17 year old, unedcuated, poor, homely and desperate girl was his type?! Pleaze…. predatorial pickings is all. Not a woman. A person. Just the right toy.

      1. You are right, it’s objectifying. I remember saying “I don’t think I’m the be all and end all” I genuinely wanted to know. He never told me. Funny, if he had gone off with Angelina Jolie I would have completely understood!

  5. I was never sure what was going on with him sexually. He carried a brief case full of porn. He did get me pregnant though. Lol. His woman gets a big monthly sum from some government source regarding Native Americans being owed money. She didn’t need looks. She supported him. Lol

    1. What an awful story. Would not leave my son for anything. One of my Narc mothers alcoholic friends left her four young children with her husband when she was living on a farm.
      I have to understand apparently you see, that it was so lonely for her living on that farm. WTF.

  6. My ex found a woman who gave up her kids to be with him. He doesn’t like kids, not even his own son. She had rotten teeth and a big belly hanging down. They are still together and her kids kinda hate her.

  7. Sorry another part of the sentence:::75% attention to him and 25%to his children or 75% attention to his children and 25% to him.

  8. I am soooo asking this question for the last 4 months. He started seeing someone while we were still together, I eventually knew it. I just didn’t know his long term plans. He is a serious cheater and I knew he is, from the beginning, but he always told me he will not change and if I really love him, I needed to take him as he is. Which btw, I’ve tried for over a decade. I just recently found out what narcissistic personality disorder is, and realized I’m actually dating my father. One of my friends pointed it to me and afterwords everything became clear.
    Anyway, his “new, shiny” toy is so different than me or other women he dated before. And this time looks like he is very committed and serious. And not just looks. She looks very young, but like a mouse, and seems pretty boring and very naive. His 18 year old daughter told me after meeting her she has no backbone, he orders her around, treating her like an employee- etc. I’m surprised because they are pacing very fast. She quit her job in other state she had for ten years after moving with him
    two weeks prior. Now, I hear her parents are flying in to meet this weekend-2 months she has been living in his house.
    My question is,
    Is this because of his unusual circumstances ( he has a baby boy born to a surrogate by in vitro fertilization, and another one on the way– right now he is a single father, he also has teenage daughters from his marriage that don’t live with him) he always said, that he needs to make a decision what’s more important: a woman who would give 75% attention to him and 25% attention to his boys as a mother. So, I wonder if he just wants a mother for his children, although she spends most of the time with him not the child. Do you think he was able to stop thinking about himself just for a moment and take his babies interest above his? And is this going to last? Both his girls were raised by countless nannies and household help and ended up very disturbed emotionally—and this time so far is not different. Why to go to all the trouble to the extend of having babies by surrogates?

  9. HG, this is my first reply. My ex narc paraded her like you say and now sent his crow to tell me he tells everyone he loves her, she has moved in after only 6 months and they will be soon engaged. Has he changed?

    1. Hello Cyn-Derella. Not at all. This is part of the seduction and the golden period. She will be devalued in due course. You need not concern yourself with what they are doing, focus on yourself.

  10. The really strange thing is that my narc’s new fuel supply looks like an ugly version of me. Several friends have commented on it. Same red hair (including the same style), same body type, similar facial structure. But on her, the effect is NOT pleasing. Very hard and cheap looking.

    Why would a narc (mid-range) chose a replacement IPPS who so obviously looks like a downgraded version of the last one? It wasn’t a Panic Pick, because he spent plenty of time getting her on the hook before he discarded me.

  11. HG the more I read your blog the more I realized I have been involved with at least 4 narcs in my past …. do you have any reading as to how I can prevent this from happening again?

    1. Red Flag and Black Flag especially, Fuel, Fury, Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit. Build understanding and awareness. Then to counter read Smeared, Escape, No Contact and Exorcism.

  12. HG spit on again , he picked someone much younger and was an ex of his that he was already hovering while living with me being engaged ! I remembered her being on his Facebook and her writing something odd in Father’s Day for him on his page then that made a flag go up but I didn’t want to appear insecure … but my senses was already kicking something up , he discarded me just only a few weeks later , to move in with her only 2 weeks later after discarding me . He is 45 and she is 29 ! With a saber tooth 🤗 I didn’t get it , but now I know. Being that I live upstate and she lived in Brooklyn as his mother does, I’m guessing it was convenient for him being that , she had him before and took him back with open arms . He was my first love back in 1986 and found me 2 yrs ago on fb… anyways I recently went to her page just to see a pic of them this past thanksgiving and him with 2 drinks in his hand sunglasses and the same smug smirk on his face , her face looked troubled , I wonder why …. ( being sarcastic ) I don’t feel sorry for her being that she knew he was engaged and still played along his sick games that she was already aware of .

  13. …especially if it was something one of their beloved secondary fuel sources might find out about, from say a dirty little secret?

    I think I am trying to ask if the narc ever realises they’ve gone too far with a lie for the sake of fuel?

  14. My narcissist certainly loved to please during the love-bombing stage. But HG, is there ever a time when the narcissist suddenly feels disgusted with themselves for saying he liked a certain thing or being a certain way… to the point where he would discard/go silent on the empath for making them do it? Like a double punishment?

    1. There are times where we may recall what we said to you when we idealised you and we come to despise the fact we ever said that to you no that you have let us down and become painted black.

  15. I haven’t seen her and I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter how she looks. I’m average looking myself. It would still bother me seeing him with someone else. Even if she’s fugly.

  16. I’ve known a Lesser and a Mid-Range narcissist (male), and one Greater (Female). It would be nice to collect the full set and know a Greater Male and a Lesser and Mid-Range Female.

    Does anyone know of a place I could send off for them please… like you do with the tokens on the back of a Cornflakae box?

    ‘Greater Male Narcissist Wanted. Looks not important, with a G.S.O.H and three mobile phones.’

      1. HG, but does the idealization mean that he doesn’t see that this person is literally unattractive, ugly, not someone other men would chase (and not someone he would chase a few months ago)

        OR he knows that but he tells himself during the idealization “well, it doesn’t metter, she is a good person, she makes me feel wanted, I don’t care how she looks”?

        1. The former – remember it is about empathic, class and special traits – looks are just one element. See Sitting Target (book).

  17. I am saying ugh a lot these days. Who would ever go back to someone who parades sluts around. A person’s dirty and trashy look do not even matter to a narc so I guess they have no pride when wanting fuel. Does this happen often??

  18. In my case it’s been oh so sad 🤣… he is too ugly to get someone new and that is why he hoovered so much.. he lost the best sex and companionship ever. He has been looking for someone new ever since but I’m replaceable! Oh, well at least up until a few weeks ago when I was interested even knowing.. now indifference which is so rewarding entered my life

    1. Not ‘scroungy’ but there have been the odd occasions where the one chosen whilst not awful, was not as excellent as had been hoped.

  19. Well! That explains the very unattractive woman he was with when I met him. Of course, he never admitted it, and he flaunted me right in front of her face. I saw the sad hurt in her eyes as he introduced me to her and that’s what pricked my suspicions. Sometimes she would call him when we were together and he would say loudly “Hey, friend!” That being the designated term he’d use as a warning to her that he was with me, devaluing her in the worst of ways, as he continued to seduce me. Her discard coincided with the conclusion of my seduction. God! I would never have wanted to be in her place, acting as a stopgap because his previous primary intimate source escaped him.

    In the end, I was unceremoniously discarded, having extremely disappointed him, not realizing how much he wanted — no(!) — needed my adoration, and most times deciding to withhold the compliment because he was so full of himself.

    My devaluation was the most savage and vicious one can imagine. I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t say anything right. All of a sudden, the very things he said he loved about my body, he stopped noticing, no matter how prominently I put them on display. I began to feel totally unimportant in his life. He withheld his wonderful, beautiful body and doled out sex infrequently and when he magnanimously and benevolently shared himself intimately, it was as a weapon being used to quickly batter me and withdraw to cleanse himself of my residue. Oh, how he doled out pain and fury. Thinking about it now makes me hot. Something is surely wrong with me. I’d take him back in an instant, closing the hundreds of miles between us in a New York minute!

    Help me.

      1. I’d say so. He didn’t have the control and finesse of a greater — pulled a nasty trick on me that I thought was beneath him. Knocked him down a couple of notches, in my book.

    1. A somatic mid-ranger, possibly? I wonder if somatics would parade around with someone who’s not as body concious as they are. I would have thought all somatics would be greater narcs, as it’s an open ‘Look at me, girls’ invitation.

      It’s definitely an interesting topic as to why some of us wll always take them back. Like mentioned before, the answers lie within our childhood experiences

      1. Definitely somatic. He chose this very unattractive woman as an emergency fix. She was a proximate neighbor, so he didn’t have to parade her around.

        I could be wrong, but from what I’ve learned from HG and others, I believe somatic narcissists come in all three varieties. I thank all that is good and righteous in the universe that he was not a lesser.

    2. Hi Misty. I don’t know how recent your discard was but it is normal to want them back. To yearn for their ‘abuse’ again and again. Be patient. He will come around again. Then the power will be in your hands. You won’t yearn for him as much. The beauty of it is time will heal you. You will have the sweet satisfaction of being able to reject him. It is a heady feeling to no longer want the man you once would jump through fire for. That day will come.

  20. So, I know this does not apply to the article (apologies)…but I had an exciting discovery, I think I am a F.R.E.E! I listened to one of your YouTube videos on whether or not someone would return and what criteria and I now think I know why he hasn’t hoovered attempted since xmas, I’m a FREE ☺️…I wounded him last time we spoke and I’ve not responded to any attempts. Yay!!!! However, curiously, I have been getting random low air readings in my tires and unknown calls and unknown friend requests…but, I do not think it’s his style. I know, one never knows! Keeping defences up!

  21. I am glad to see who he paraded publicly for a while. It reflects everything he is. His true predatorial nature. Given he was a hoover from the past, I am glad to know how his life turned out in the end. Sucked that he got me and got to me, but at least, he never got to keep me and all he ends up with shows his true character. He acted so much better than me, so badass. Well, I took great pleasure in shoving in his face my life, my income, all the things he pretended to put down for his abuse and control. Let him always know that I was always more successful in the end than him and I mean that as a person with integrity and in every other way. Knowing this was the motivation behind all of who he choses helps. He never ever deserved me, thats for sure.

  22. I hadn’t heard the term “panic pick” funny stuff; and so true about the reverse mirror thing!

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