Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
50 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
Reblogged this on No Way Back and commented:
Another wow factor! This is so the truth in my situation. I am glad it is a recognised condition. My brain does not work like his. I’m not saying I’m better but I don’t use people for my own vanity and esteem. Yet!
Does being victim to this boost ones reslove to not be walked over again which give one more oomph and self confidence which could then be perceived as narcissitic in how you treat people. It is a fine line.
I now have 4 suitors – how do I cope? What do I do. I feel bad. One would be enough but it is like the universe is giving me some choices. Choices that I never had these past years. I fel validated, worthwhile, that I could mean something to someone else, that people want to know me. That I can survive this trauma. I will not turn arrogant just confident. I will not be cruel just straight talking. I treat others how I’d like to be treated; Honesty, clarity, empathy and respect.
Thank you HG, makes sense now. How exhausting it must be for the IPPS to be put through the cycle over and over again….sad existence.
You are welcome.
In this case she’s definitely a volunteer and not a victim
Dear HG, I am curious to know how some of your kind stay in relationships or marriages for 10, 20 or more years. I mean what about the cycle and the discard? If appliances are replaced so fast and so often, how does one stay with one appliance for years…I’m confused by this, does the appliance not get stale? Thank you, KM
Hello KM, first of all, there is no such thing as a discard, it is a dis-engagement (although I have used the word discard in earlier works because people recognise the term). Where there is a longer relationship you have to consider that these factors will be in play:-
1. We have Prime Aims – fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Whilst fuel is the most important, the other two are important also. This means that with some of our kind the attraction of the traits and residual benefits can prolong the relationship;
2. Negative fuel will be drawn through these relationships;
3. There are often Respite Periods granted to the IPPS victim. This means they receive a new golden period so there is no need to dis-engage yet;
4. The other parts of the fuel matrix. You may have a narcissist who is either cold or unpleasant to his IPPS who is in devaluation and he has repeated affairs with Shelf IPSSs who are never promoted to IPPS but this contrast between IPPS in devaluation (negative fuel) and IPSSs in golden periods (positive fuel) means the IPPS relationship remains prolonged and there is no dis-engagement;
5. The cadre and school of the narcissist – e.g. a Victim Narcissist has a reduced turnover of IPPSs
6. Ping Pong Behaviour – a narcissist may shuttle back and forth between two people, alternating them between IPPS and IPSS. They may remain married to one person and then leave and have an affair with someone else, then come back and then go back etc.
HG, is the turnover of IPPS higher for the somatic cadre?
Generally yes, but the influence of the school as well is considerable.
Midranger turnover is high then because I remember you saying that it does not take much for them to move on?
He made every one feel so final. Even on his public IG rant to me Good bye! I am done! Oh take a break and we shall see maybe one day we will meet again. No. You said goodbye so goodbye it is. It took many months to take the right stance myself but I finally think I am going to be ok where he is concerned. Fantasized a bit about him last night for some reason, but it quickly passed. The hardest part was to make the decision for him to have his disgard really be one.
This is so interesting. I was once dumped for a woman who was extremely mouthy and argumentative in public. Completely different from me physically, blonde, tiny, (fair enough) Not a high achiever to put it mildly (was trying not to judge in my highly annoyed state) Years later during one of the many hoovers I was subject to I asked in what I thought was a restrained fashion. “I understand that you finished it, I just don’t understand, why Her?” He said “Don’t think that you are the be all and end all, where women are concerned”
That is when you really see their predatorial nature. They aren’t relating to a person, exchanges of intimacy. Its a ‘ woman’. Not a person with unique qualities. I am not my narc’s type. But the 17 year old, unedcuated, poor, homely and desperate girl was his type?! Pleaze…. predatorial pickings is all. Not a woman. A person. Just the right toy.
You are right, it’s objectifying. I remember saying “I don’t think I’m the be all and end all” I genuinely wanted to know. He never told me. Funny, if he had gone off with Angelina Jolie I would have completely understood!
I was never sure what was going on with him sexually. He carried a brief case full of porn. He did get me pregnant though. Lol. His woman gets a big monthly sum from some government source regarding Native Americans being owed money. She didn’t need looks. She supported him. Lol
What an awful story. Would not leave my son for anything. One of my Narc mothers alcoholic friends left her four young children with her husband when she was living on a farm.
I have to understand apparently you see, that it was so lonely for her living on that farm. WTF.
My ex found a woman who gave up her kids to be with him. He doesn’t like kids, not even his own son. She had rotten teeth and a big belly hanging down. They are still together and her kids kinda hate her.
Sorry another part of the sentence:::75% attention to him and 25%to his children or 75% attention to his children and 25% to him.
I am soooo asking this question for the last 4 months. He started seeing someone while we were still together, I eventually knew it. I just didn’t know his long term plans. He is a serious cheater and I knew he is, from the beginning, but he always told me he will not change and if I really love him, I needed to take him as he is. Which btw, I’ve tried for over a decade. I just recently found out what narcissistic personality disorder is, and realized I’m actually dating my father. One of my friends pointed it to me and afterwords everything became clear.
Anyway, his “new, shiny” toy is so different than me or other women he dated before. And this time looks like he is very committed and serious. And not just looks. She looks very young, but like a mouse, and seems pretty boring and very naive. His 18 year old daughter told me after meeting her she has no backbone, he orders her around, treating her like an employee- etc. I’m surprised because they are pacing very fast. She quit her job in other state she had for ten years after moving with him
two weeks prior. Now, I hear her parents are flying in to meet this weekend-2 months she has been living in his house.
My question is,
Is this because of his unusual circumstances ( he has a baby boy born to a surrogate by in vitro fertilization, and another one on the way– right now he is a single father, he also has teenage daughters from his marriage that don’t live with him) he always said, that he needs to make a decision what’s more important: a woman who would give 75% attention to him and 25% attention to his boys as a mother. So, I wonder if he just wants a mother for his children, although she spends most of the time with him not the child. Do you think he was able to stop thinking about himself just for a moment and take his babies interest above his? And is this going to last? Both his girls were raised by countless nannies and household help and ended up very disturbed emotionally—and this time so far is not different. Why to go to all the trouble to the extend of having babies by surrogates?
HG, this is my first reply. My ex narc paraded her like you say and now sent his crow to tell me he tells everyone he loves her, she has moved in after only 6 months and they will be soon engaged. Has he changed?
Hello Cyn-Derella. Not at all. This is part of the seduction and the golden period. She will be devalued in due course. You need not concern yourself with what they are doing, focus on yourself.
The really strange thing is that my narc’s new fuel supply looks like an ugly version of me. Several friends have commented on it. Same red hair (including the same style), same body type, similar facial structure. But on her, the effect is NOT pleasing. Very hard and cheap looking.
Why would a narc (mid-range) chose a replacement IPPS who so obviously looks like a downgraded version of the last one? It wasn’t a Panic Pick, because he spent plenty of time getting her on the hook before he discarded me.
HG the more I read your blog the more I realized I have been involved with at least 4 narcs in my past …. do you have any reading as to how I can prevent this from happening again?
Red Flag and Black Flag especially, Fuel, Fury, Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit. Build understanding and awareness. Then to counter read Smeared, Escape, No Contact and Exorcism.
HG spit on again , he picked someone much younger and was an ex of his that he was already hovering while living with me being engaged ! I remembered her being on his Facebook and her writing something odd in Father’s Day for him on his page then that made a flag go up but I didn’t want to appear insecure … but my senses was already kicking something up , he discarded me just only a few weeks later , to move in with her only 2 weeks later after discarding me . He is 45 and she is 29 ! With a saber tooth 🤗 I didn’t get it , but now I know. Being that I live upstate and she lived in Brooklyn as his mother does, I’m guessing it was convenient for him being that , she had him before and took him back with open arms . He was my first love back in 1986 and found me 2 yrs ago on fb… anyways I recently went to her page just to see a pic of them this past thanksgiving and him with 2 drinks in his hand sunglasses and the same smug smirk on his face , her face looked troubled , I wonder why …. ( being sarcastic ) I don’t feel sorry for her being that she knew he was engaged and still played along his sick games that she was already aware of .
…especially if it was something one of their beloved secondary fuel sources might find out about, from say a dirty little secret?
I think I am trying to ask if the narc ever realises they’ve gone too far with a lie for the sake of fuel?
No, we do not regard it ever as going too far because of our sense of entitlement.
My narcissist certainly loved to please during the love-bombing stage. But HG, is there ever a time when the narcissist suddenly feels disgusted with themselves for saying he liked a certain thing or being a certain way… to the point where he would discard/go silent on the empath for making them do it? Like a double punishment?
There are times where we may recall what we said to you when we idealised you and we come to despise the fact we ever said that to you no that you have let us down and become painted black.
I haven’t seen her and I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter how she looks. I’m average looking myself. It would still bother me seeing him with someone else. Even if she’s fugly.
I’ve known a Lesser and a Mid-Range narcissist (male), and one Greater (Female). It would be nice to collect the full set and know a Greater Male and a Lesser and Mid-Range Female.
Does anyone know of a place I could send off for them please… like you do with the tokens on the back of a Cornflakae box?
‘Greater Male Narcissist Wanted. Looks not important, with a G.S.O.H and three mobile phones.’
So he doesn’t idealize her?
He does but it will not last for long.
HG, but does the idealization mean that he doesn’t see that this person is literally unattractive, ugly, not someone other men would chase (and not someone he would chase a few months ago)
OR he knows that but he tells himself during the idealization “well, it doesn’t metter, she is a good person, she makes me feel wanted, I don’t care how she looks”?
The former – remember it is about empathic, class and special traits – looks are just one element. See Sitting Target (book).
I am saying ugh a lot these days. Who would ever go back to someone who parades sluts around. A person’s dirty and trashy look do not even matter to a narc so I guess they have no pride when wanting fuel. Does this happen often??
In my case it’s been oh so sad 🤣… he is too ugly to get someone new and that is why he hoovered so much.. he lost the best sex and companionship ever. He has been looking for someone new ever since but I’m replaceable! Oh, well at least up until a few weeks ago when I was interested even knowing.. now indifference which is so rewarding entered my life
HG…. you ever have to take up with such a scroungy 1 in desperation?
Not ‘scroungy’ but there have been the odd occasions where the one chosen whilst not awful, was not as excellent as had been hoped.
* Smiles ..Sorry HG but it proves even narcs can get it wrong 🙂
Lol. They are never wrong and if they were then it was her fault.
Well! That explains the very unattractive woman he was with when I met him. Of course, he never admitted it, and he flaunted me right in front of her face. I saw the sad hurt in her eyes as he introduced me to her and that’s what pricked my suspicions. Sometimes she would call him when we were together and he would say loudly “Hey, friend!” That being the designated term he’d use as a warning to her that he was with me, devaluing her in the worst of ways, as he continued to seduce me. Her discard coincided with the conclusion of my seduction. God! I would never have wanted to be in her place, acting as a stopgap because his previous primary intimate source escaped him.
In the end, I was unceremoniously discarded, having extremely disappointed him, not realizing how much he wanted — no(!) — needed my adoration, and most times deciding to withhold the compliment because he was so full of himself.
My devaluation was the most savage and vicious one can imagine. I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t say anything right. All of a sudden, the very things he said he loved about my body, he stopped noticing, no matter how prominently I put them on display. I began to feel totally unimportant in his life. He withheld his wonderful, beautiful body and doled out sex infrequently and when he magnanimously and benevolently shared himself intimately, it was as a weapon being used to quickly batter me and withdraw to cleanse himself of my residue. Oh, how he doled out pain and fury. Thinking about it now makes me hot. Something is surely wrong with me. I’d take him back in an instant, closing the hundreds of miles between us in a New York minute!
Same here. He sounds like a midranger?
I’d say so. He didn’t have the control and finesse of a greater — pulled a nasty trick on me that I thought was beneath him. Knocked him down a couple of notches, in my book.
A somatic mid-ranger, possibly? I wonder if somatics would parade around with someone who’s not as body concious as they are. I would have thought all somatics would be greater narcs, as it’s an open ‘Look at me, girls’ invitation.
It’s definitely an interesting topic as to why some of us wll always take them back. Like mentioned before, the answers lie within our childhood experiences
Definitely somatic. He chose this very unattractive woman as an emergency fix. She was a proximate neighbor, so he didn’t have to parade her around.
I could be wrong, but from what I’ve learned from HG and others, I believe somatic narcissists come in all three varieties. I thank all that is good and righteous in the universe that he was not a lesser.
Hi Misty. I don’t know how recent your discard was but it is normal to want them back. To yearn for their ‘abuse’ again and again. Be patient. He will come around again. Then the power will be in your hands. You won’t yearn for him as much. The beauty of it is time will heal you. You will have the sweet satisfaction of being able to reject him. It is a heady feeling to no longer want the man you once would jump through fire for. That day will come.
Thank you. That day can’t come soon enough.
So, I know this does not apply to the article (apologies)…but I had an exciting discovery, I think I am a F.R.E.E! I listened to one of your YouTube videos on whether or not someone would return and what criteria and I now think I know why he hasn’t hoovered attempted since xmas, I’m a FREE ☺️…I wounded him last time we spoke and I’ve not responded to any attempts. Yay!!!! However, curiously, I have been getting random low air readings in my tires and unknown calls and unknown friend requests…but, I do not think it’s his style. I know, one never knows! Keeping defences up!
I am glad to see who he paraded publicly for a while. It reflects everything he is. His true predatorial nature. Given he was a hoover from the past, I am glad to know how his life turned out in the end. Sucked that he got me and got to me, but at least, he never got to keep me and all he ends up with shows his true character. He acted so much better than me, so badass. Well, I took great pleasure in shoving in his face my life, my income, all the things he pretended to put down for his abuse and control. Let him always know that I was always more successful in the end than him and I mean that as a person with integrity and in every other way. Knowing this was the motivation behind all of who he choses helps. He never ever deserved me, thats for sure.
I hadn’t heard the term “panic pick” funny stuff; and so true about the reverse mirror thing!