5 Fears of the Narcissist

5 FEARS

1. You will leave

You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are,  you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.

2. I am ignored

There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.

3. I am exposed

Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.

4. I grow weary

I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.

5. The creature escapes

What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..

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49 thoughts on “5 Fears of the Narcissist”

  1. “I have a crazy dream of stripping down to truth and bone” (Heather Nova)
    You just did this.
    I applaud you.
    Kudos HG.

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  2. I know this isn’t comedy but this “I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder” really made me laugh. I swear this is my ex narc but when I was ensnared it came across to me as a nurturing savior to all the suffering. I would love to show him this one sentence and then let him watch me roll around on the floor laughing at him.

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    1. I agree. On the many occasions my ex ‘left’ he would barrage me with repeated (almost constant 😉) text messages slating me and asking how I could do this to him and telling me he was never coming back and he wanted nothing more to do with me etc.Then in the middle of this he would start an online game of scrabble with me or like my strava ride or comment on my fb. It too made me laugh out loud. So many wtf moments with him but by the end they made me laugh more than they made me cringe.
      More importantly he armed me with the knowledge that he couldn’t stand my silence or indifference. I used it as my biggest weapon.

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  3. HG, we too have fears that are not dissimilar to your own – being left, being ignored (your kind have a First Class Degree in those departments.), and worrying about the ageing process and not finding a mate. It’s a crying shame that everybody is frightened of the same things and we all long for the same result; to be respected, appreciated and loved, but in the case of narc relationships, the players are unable to sing from the same hymn sheet. It’s like we are two seperate species entirely…. Tragic.

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  4. In your opinion, HG, do you think all narcissists have an inner “creature”? I know many have devices to remain in denial, though this intense desire to cage the inner beast is something I’m curious about? Do u think all narcissists have this?

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  5. Hi H.G,
    I escaped my mid-ranger about four months ago. He has tried to Hoover me (we work in the same office), but each time I ignore him. I walk past him as if he was just a puff of air going by. I thought from reading your books and articles that being ignored is the worst. So, I’m not sure why he would continue to put himself in the position time and time again. Does being ignored ignite his fury more than it causes a wounding? I guess I’m trying to understand why he doesn’t just give up. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
    Thank you!!
    Lydia

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    1. If you ignore us, this is criticism which wounds us and will ignite our fury. He will keep his fury in check because the wound is not extensive and also because of the façade. The hoovers keep happening because

      1. You work together thus you keep entering the sphere of influence and thus cause a Hoover Trigger; and
      2. The Hoover Execution Criteria are being met. It is so easy for him to hoover because you work together, that it takes very little effort on his part and the wounding is slight so that it is not enough to raise the bar on the hoover to a level where it cannot be met.

      Thus, this is why he does not give up.

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  6. But he went too far. Much too far. He got high on his own high. I sense the backlash was big as I know some things that happened. He thought he was in a huge fuel party that would last forever but they all left the room I think. And it is still unleashing on his life which I sense more than know.

    Or, he will ramp it up worse than ever and build up his narc reality, stitched together out of lies and truth. Until the next event takes that one thread and starts to pull on the web, threatening to unravel it all.

    I just had this vision of a sand castle and the waves rolling in. Each wave takes a bit of the structure while he frantically tries to resore what was washed away. Pretty soon, those waves will come and come, and all he can do is sit back and watch as they eat away at it all, all the edges, all the glory that was built until all that is left is the shadow of a castle, rounded walls, broken off bits. Left and then abandoned as others go off to play with something more interesting …

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  7. The way it happens is that you do something to cause the victim to leave you and stop believing in you. Therefore you feel left. Can’t understand it is your fault because you never take responsibility of fault. So the victim becomes the bad guy because you have pushed them to their limit or pushed them away with infidelity. So you tell everyone that the victim is the bad guy and make yourself the hero. This is how you can win the fuel from someone else that you need to survive.

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  8. Well this explains his dramatics of “I would die if my wife and kid ever left me. Sometimes I get so afraid, so afraid that one day she will wake up and not love me anymore. I cannot lose her. I would die.”

    I should have counted myself so lucky he was so open in sharing #1.

    #2: He loved to “ignore” me. LOL.

    #3. “I am a bad person Gabrielle. I am scum”. Did he want me to unmask him?

    As far as #4 goes he often told me I made him weary. Out of all the words to use he chose that one. Weary.

    Perhaps I am overthinking all of this but in regard to #5. The creature? He used to tell me “I have it all together, all the time. Always. I never lose my shit. Ever. I fake it until I make it. Once in awhile I lose my shit in private but always in private. No one must ever see this”.

    Truth? Unmasked but briefly? Manipulation? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? 😉

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  9. What Exactly is the Craven creature you often speak about that you must keep hidden, what exactly is this creature you are so afraid will surface?

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      1. HG… so I have a hypothetical question with a very hypothetical scenario: If you were put into mandatory isolation for a VERY extended period, say as as part of a disciplinary sentence, would Creature emerge? again, this is all hypothetical, as I am sure you know that would never happen to you… but IF it did (hypothetically) would isolation cause Craven Creature to manifest? If yes, what would happen to HG? Please elaborate… and thank you in advance

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    1. My ex purposefully let me see him drop his mask on three distinct occasions. I was frozen in place every time it happened, not knowing how or whether to respond.

      I saw him try to contain his fury once and it was — and this is an understatement — odd. I didn’t know what he was when we were together so this is all hindsight, which we know is 20/20. If only I’d known then. My escape would have left him limping like the pathetic creature he is.

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  10. HG, Awesome-per usual. Didn’t you refer to the creature and explain a little about him near the end of your book-Fuel?
    Thanks again 🙂

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  11. Hey HG,
    what if you would realise that you could learn to build real relationships beyond those worst case scenarios? What if you would realize that the other person is still there (maybe not as someone who is always there and under your control, but still there to relate to and talk to) and you will still be there, too. You might feel as if you were disappearing but as long as you feel that, you are still there, and at some point there would be a new spark, something unshakable.
    What if you took facing those fears, letting that all happen, as a starting point for something real? Instead of manufacturing situations and responses through manipulation to show you that you matter and that you exist as a magnificent person, – such as *hot-cold-games*. Those are always short lived.
    You might be surprised that you could find something to like in your core being yourself, behind the creature, because you might actually be able to see yourself after having faced the creature (and you have already begun that), – which you are fully capable to do, you are not a helpless child; And also that someone else might find you lovable and valuable just as you are. What would you do then? Of course you could learn new patterns and find new ways to get what you really yearn for – permanently. Without having to fight for it every day. When one thing gets destroyed, something new MUST come.
    Use those still and dark moments to your advantage.
    🙂

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  12. he or she always fears the let down of childhood the creation of his own imprisonment that he or she will never escape

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  13. I am increasingly in awe of how much you openly expose to us. Your honesty and vulnerability are inspiring really. It is not an easy thing to truly face, examine and express oneself the way you do here and I think it is so brave of you. Thank you so much for continuing on this path and sharing it all with us.

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      1. Many people are incapable of this type of introspection in any capacity so I remain so impressed by your strength. I assume these continuing efforts have changed you somehow and I am anxious to hear how it all manifests in your real life hopefully?

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