The Igniters of Fury – No. 7

IGNITER 4A series that allows you to understand what are the different things that you do which are likely to ignite the fury of a narcissist. Keep in mind that different schools of narcissists have different levels of control over their fury. Use this information to understand why you have been treated to heated or cold fury and to use this information to further your own position post escape.

29 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 7

  1. BlueBird says:

    Seems like whatever I did to my ex-narc ignited fury. If I didn’t argue back, I was too nonchalant, if I did argue, I was argumentative. I was told that I was using him as “case study.” I guess later on in the relationship, my fuel wasn’t giving him what he needed to keep the creature at bay. He would get upset with me when I tried to discuss our issues and he’s grab me by my collar, come very close to my face and tell me to shut up (adding some not so nice words), another time, I tried to hug hime while he was sitting in the couch and he grabbed me by both arms, put his knee in my chest and pushed me off. In the beginning he seemed so caring and gentle and told me stories of his ex-wife lying about claims of physical abuse. I couldn’t believe it then… Now, I have no doubt that he physically abused her in some way. I honestly believe that if I stayed longer, his fury would have causef him to hit me.

    My question is this — are some people able to ignite fury in ways that others can’t?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes and this is a two way street. Some of our kind can have their fury ignited far more readily. There are also ways of igniting the fury that you may not realise are more effective than others.

  2. Bri says:

    in the first days of a flirting can a narc do it? my narc was flirting me and I decide by myself not to pay attention him, because I saw many narc traits (he is not my first narc), one day I smile a collegue and the narc was just beside and the fury were so obvious…but then, if he was flirting me why he could not to stop it before I’d noticed it? he is a mid-range…he really can not stop the fury? even trying in that moment to seducing me (like he was trying) he can’t?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      During seduction we are largely able to contain the fury because we are regarding you in a different light, because you are painted ‘white’. The igniters of fury have to be of greater substance in terms of wounding us during the golden period for them to have any effect. Where it does show during the golden period arises because fuel might be low, it may well be early in the seduction so the binding has not yet taken place to any meaningful degree and it is also dependent on the type of narcissist. Greaters can brush most things off during the seduction (although may take it out on someone else later). The MR and the Lesser can be more prone to letting the fury show during the seduction, but it is unusual. Usually it is never triggered because of the success of the seduction or the different outlook and fuel provision allows the narcissist to keep it under control.

  3. Are you serious?
    Now that I know I’ll smile extra at everyone and everything.

    1. Brian says:

      They also hate to see you smiling in general, even to yourself. So smile away!

  4. Does it ignite fury because of jealousy or because expressing fury will procure desirous fuel? Or both?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see the book Fury for the detailed explanation as to why this occurs.

      1. HG, I have already bought this book, along with three others. I have yet to read it. I will read it and report back with my answer to my question. I found your reply to Bri helpful to my question as well.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am pleased that that is the case and do continue your reading.

      2. I understand that smiling at another, is deemed a criticism which wounds and ignites fury.
        You state, in Fury, the narcissist may withdraw to avoid further wounding and refocus their ignited fury to become more in control and avoid exposing their facade i.e. By flirting with someone to close their narcissistic wound with positive fuel.
        So, Fury ignites due to feeling criticized. When admiration and attention that should go to you, such as a smile, is going to someone else. Jealousy is sparked by criticism which ignites fury. Fury then creates power to close the wound created by the criticism to help maintain the facade.
        Fury can be abated by securing fuel( positive attention) to close the wound caused by criticism, and by responding with cold fury, such as withdrawing or heated fury through reaction.
        As well the conclusion of the book states that “ignited fury is a weapon by which more fuel can be gathered.” …so ignited fury does utilize jealousy to garner fuel, as I thought. The fact that the fury is always there below the surface, it would not take much to ignite it. Such as a smile shown to another. Deemed a criticism toward you, intentional or otherwise.
        Fury appears to be an instinctual negative reaction by a narcissist due to having an extremely fragile ego sensitive to criticism, perceived or otherwise.
        The book Fury, in contrast was a positively insightful read. It appears from reading the creature is your true self, the self that exhibits fury and the behaviors that unmask the facade or false self. Fuel is needed to keep the true self hidden, fuel is needed to repair wounds caused by criticism, which can cause you to reveal your true self/creature. It all makes much more sense now, thank for the homework, Mister Tudor.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are seizing the power.

  5. Bri says:

    Can the fury come with anybody smiling at someone else, or that “anybody” is always a primary source? I mean, if I am not a primary source can a narc feel the same fury?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It can but it is less likely to be unleashed against say a secondary source because of the need to maintain the façade.

  6. I began to encounter many articles about anger

  7. Brian says:

    What if one is smiling at another close family member?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Dependent on the period, similar effect.

      1. Brian says:

        Thanks, and it doesn’t matter if I am smiling at someone who is the same gender, so it’s not a romantic jealousy thing either?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct, although a romantic jealousy will cause a greater eruption.

  8. Listful Dahlia says:

    Hi HG. Have you written anything about how narcs use tactics of humiliation? My narc absolutely loved humiliating me in front of other people. In particular he would rage at me in public places, when other people were in the house, in hotel rooms when people could hear…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is linked to the sadistic streak (see the article of the same name) but there will be an article about humiliation and why it is used next month.

  9. Sui says:

    Hg,
    I have a question, my ex narc is a lesser. I have 3 restraining orders against him. He recently married my best friend now,ex best friend. We have to go to court. They are constructing a plot to make me look like the bad guy. Please tell me that when this is finished we are at the final discard. I really can’t take anymore after 13 years. He tried hoovering the first few days after I escaped but then nothing. We are now at 5 months with No Contact. Are me and the lesser done now that he is married? Or will he be back after jail?

    Please help.

  10. Sniglet says:

    Each time I enter a new relationship and during (only if he upsets me), I will find an appropriate time and place to smile and talk with another man when I am in the presence of my new partner. Even on a simple date I will always do it. I love the fuel I get from the guy I am with. In fact I go as far as introducing my self to the bystander and then introduce him to my date if attending an art expo, motorcycle show, music venue etc.

    GH Tudor, would that be narcissism? I want to see my date’s jealousy, reaction of manliness or weakness.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a narcissistic trait, yes.

  11. Intrepid says:

    What program do you use to generate these memes? They look good.

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    Especially at the kid who bags your groceries. Just turn that smile upside down.

  13. lansealan says:

    Dam HG! As much as I Love this Igniter series…I’m also hating the triggering that’s accompanying it.

  14. Jaeger says:

    My friends narc husband once chastised her because we were all at the movies watching a comedy and during the funny parts she laughed and looked at me more than him. God, big babies!🤡

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