The Narcissistic Truths – No. 8

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240 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 8”

  1. Protection usually meant me coupes up in one room without being able to shower or move out of his sight. I once went two weeks without a shower because he said I was cheating on him and having sex in the bathroom and other room. So to avoid a fight I just sat in one place while he did what he wanted. God forbid if I went to the bathroom too…I had to leave the door open or I was accused of having phone sex. Why do I still even desire him and find him attractive? Protection my ass…He beat me up once while I was hiding my child in my arms while in bed. My face was smashed to help. I couldn’t see or even recognize myself once my eyes did open. I had huge knots on my face for almost 3 weeks. All because he said I was cheating on him. The whole night he was perving on my nephews girlfriend. While I sat in one place. To scared to get up to go to the bathroom so I didn’t get accused of anything. It didnt help. That night I was upset about him perving so I told him I was going to bed with our child. He sat n drank and woke me up yelling. I told him he was being so disrespectful perving on that young girl. Then he launched at me and beat me up. My daughter woke up and was screaming. I couldn’t let her go because he was just punching away on my face. I managed to get away and took my daughter and I to the store. I had no money on me, I wasn’t fully dressed, and I was bloody from the attack. Yet he said he would always protect me. How about him telling everyone I was doing god awful things. I really wish I never gave myself to him. I desire him even after the abuse…wtf is wrong with me? I didn’t even have a big period of him being lovey dovey. It was literally like a 4 weeks if talking that I got the wrath of him. I’m such a idiot. Protection….that’s a huge joke.

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    1. Im so sorry to hear your story. It saddens and sickens me. I just hope like hell you are away from that monster. NO ONE deserves that treatment. Give your daughter the mother she deserves. Strong, healthy, loving, kind. Be the protector he could never be. Give her someone to look up to. Someone that has strength and love.
      I wish you well mykeytolife. πŸ™πŸΌ

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      1. Thank you Lisa. I’m trying every day. I get where I can’t stand him to where I miss him and I don’t get that logic. My daughter is so torn and confused from all this. He disowned my older daughters. That was the final straw that made me close him from my heart. Normally I would never talk about all this but after he discarded my two other daughters I’m trying to heal by talking about it. Many blessings to everyone who has endured this. It really tears you up and makes you crazy at times. I can’t believe I even let myself get conned in the relationship but then again he was a smooth talker. My kids and I are safe now but he will have to be in our daughters life for at least ten more years. So until then I have to have the barest of minimal contact with him, but thanks to If I now know what I’m dealing with and how to protect myself. Many blessings to you hun. Thank you for your kind words. You have no idea how much it means to finally have a co ice and people know what I’m going through. I was trapped and alone in my thoughts for over nine years.

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      2. 🌬…………………………….πŸ¦‹ Releasing πŸ¦‹ Butterfies πŸ¦‹ For πŸ¦‹ You πŸ¦‹ Mykeytolife.

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      3. Thankyou so much Lisa for your kind words. I always feel the need now to defend myself. Its heartbreaking how they make you out to be the monster. I did love him because he was great to my kids. Before I even got involved with him I told him that I had two kids that depend on me and if he wasn’t a family man to keep moving. He was a good dad to them. Just a awful man to me. They didn’t see it because most of the abuse happened during the weekends when they went to their dads house. I didn’t want to get pregnant by him because I could see him leaving because of his constant threats. He convinced me and I got pregnant. From then on he was in and out of our life. When he was there he made out to be dad of the year in front of others. Behind closed doors he lashed out at me. I would cry on the way to work and once he told me he hoped I crashed and died on the way their. I couldn’t see how he could be so good to the kids and others and be so mean to me. Many times when we were going to do stuff for him I often thought of slamming the car into a wall while he was screaming at me. My kids didn’t see that. All they saw was me being quiet and doing my chores. I know people would think I chose a man over my kids but it was nothing like that. I have only been with two men my whole life. Each one I married. There were never any random men coming in and out of my children’s life. I have respect for my kids and myself. Its a struggle everyday to feel the pain of being used, manipulated, and hurt. Not only by what he did to me but how he just abandoned my kids he helped raise. They mean nothing to him he said and he was verbally abusive when I asked him how he could do that to them. I see now he was a fake. I’m grieving over a lot of things but most importantly for letting my guard down and giving myself to him. Its a struggle everyday. I would love to have someone to truly talk to who understands and have stale coffee and doughnuts with. Thank you Lisa for your kind words. God bless you. This helps me heal tremendously. I still apologize for everything. But I’m working on healing. God bless you and thank you so much.

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      4. You are welcome mykeytolife. I dont know you but I can feel your pain through your words. You are doing a great job getting through this, and seeing it for what it is. Sadly the kids are included in your heartache, but with good guidance you can see them right. HG has helped me get a better understanding of the abuse than any other person I have followed in (aprox) 3 years now. He will for you too. Just dont give up! Keep moving forward. Its not easy but it is possible. Sending hugs.

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    2. mykeytolife,

      That was horrific! You and your daughter deserved better. The addiction is inexplicable. Please, stay here and keep reading and posting. This is virtual AA without the terrible coffee or stale donuts.

      Liked by 5 people

      1. Thank you K. You have no idea how much I needed this group. I was alone in my thoughts and co ice for over nine years. He did so much to me that I didn’t even know myself and everyone I knew was so worried about me. I made excuses and eventually he got me to sever all ties with everyone. Even my mom and dad. I was abused in so Many ways and I knew it wasn’t right and I would try to talk to him but he would say I was the one provoking the situation and turned it all on me. I would lay in bed at night while he was drinking and rambling on and worry if tonight was the night where he would kill me. He would sit and say some outlandish things and I felt like I was in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. My health started to drop along with everything that made me who i was. In so glad i found this place and that Hg has given me the tools to never go back and most importantly to stay away from my abuser. Many blessings to you K and I’m so glad their is no stale donuts and coffee. Lol… I’m trying to stop emotional eating….I’m sure I would eat and drink them if I was at one of the meetings that had them. πŸ™‚ talking about my life with my narc really does stress me out.

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    3. Please tell me you’re maintaining no contact mykeytolife? Your desire for him will fade as time goes by as you start to see the light. Once you truly accept what he is you will be immune to him and all his kind, I promise you. You and your daughter deserve to be loved and cherished by someone who genuinely cares about you. Don’t let this monster deny you that. Stay strong we’re rooting for you

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      1. Little add on here… What is it with narcs and the bathroom?! Scene of many a power play in our game too. I suppose it’s denying or imposing restrictions on basic human needs they get a kick out of…

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      2. Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much I needed this group. I was alone in my thoughts and voice for over nine years. He did so much to me that I didn’t even know myself and everyone I knew was so worried about me. I made excuses and eventually he got me to sever all ties with everyone. Even my mom and dad. I was abused in so Many ways and I knew it wasn’t right and I would try to talk to him but he would say I was the one provoking the situation and turned it all on me. I would lay in bed at night while he was drinking and rambling on and worry if tonight was the night where he would kill me. He would sit and say some outlandish things and I felt like I was in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. My health started to drop along with everything that made me who i was. In so glad i found this place and that Hg has given me the tools to never go back and most importantly to stay away from my abuser. I did try to get away many times but was always drawn back. My other daughters never saw the physical abuse just my youngest. I tried to get away but no one believed me. Even the police were fooled by his charm until they learned the truth. I almost had my kids taken from me but they soon learned I wasn’t the monster my narc portrayed me as. My kids ate beautiful children and know He was unwell. We are away from him now and all of us are seeing a psychiatrist. I am a very protectivevmother but I was really unable to get away. Even the women’s shelter was no help. I can’t go into much detail without giving myself away to who i am but I am free now and my kids are wonderful. God has blessed me with three beautiful angels who are so smart. They know he wasn’t well and they forgive him but they have closed him out like he has them. The psychiatrist says I’m lucky it didn’t effect them emotionally. I was a strong woman before I met my narc. I really did have it all. I fled my past and made something of myself. I didn’t allow myself to let another person in my heart. I did end up with my best friend and that didn’t work out well. Then I gave myself to my narc with hesitation and just like a frog in a pot in a hot stove…I didn’t realize I was boiling till it was too late. I know you want to judge me hun but i tried to get away. I would say the whole details but then he would know this is me and I’m just barely trying to get my life back after this. He only showed me the abuse. I hid most of it from my kids and everyone. To everyone I looked like the deranged one because I cover up what he did to me behind closed doors. Not anymore… I’m free from his control and I can be a mom again. I suffer from ptsd. I lived a hard life but I knew I deserved better. I was just in a situation where I couldn’t get away. Now I am completely free from him. Its just learning how to stay clear of any more narcs who try to drain me of my life again. Many blessings to everyone. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. I greatly appreciated. You all have no idea.

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      3. I believe you mykeytolife.
        I believe you coulnt get away.
        I believe you were abused, not the abuser.
        I believe you have the best of intention for your children.
        I believe you are now trying to put your lives back together.
        I believe you lived in hope. (Hope that one day he would wake up and change. It only takes a pin head of hope to keep you stuck).
        I believe you lived in absolute fear for your life.
        I believe you are strong enough to overcome this.

        My biggest lesson was learning about myself. The type of Empath I am. How to use that to my advantage now, instead of letting someone else use it to theirs. If you havent already, try and find HG’s blogs on that. Find which one you are so you are aware of YOURSELF, not just the narcs of this world.

        I wish you strength. I wish you peace. I hope you find your true freedom.

        I BELIEVE YOU WILL….

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    4. Mykeytolife
      Im so angry right now im vibrating but I will try to say this as nicely as I can. There IS something wrong with you and you need to get help to determine why it is you think you need to be punished. That child in your arms was me and I cant tell you how fucked up I became having to deal with the things I saw and heard. Everytime your children witness or hear something like that a piece of them dies inside and I invited his rage on me because seeing and hearing it done to others made me break apart inside more than physical pain. A mother should not allow her feelings ahead of her children. That is not the natural order and even I, who is not a mother knows that. Im so fucked up because of what you describe that I dont have normal relationships with people, i never wanted children, and I dont feel love. Ever. Is that what you want for them? I’ll assume no but every time he says sonething awful or hits you they are taking those blows. Even hearing my parents having sex damaged me. You cant hide it from them. I have to stop myself from saying anymore and I could be physically sick from rage right now, so I will just say this: get help to find out why you think this is normal to accept so little for yourself and to harm your children because yes, by being anywhere near him or choosing someone like him in future (because if you dont get help they will sniff you out) you are harming them. No excuses. I have said it before, i would put a child on my back and walk to another town to a shelter to protect them and I dont even have any. He is less than an animal and not a man. Choose your children over that if you are still there or if and when he returns, or the pain you feel right now will be nothing to the regret you have coming. Do the right thing for your children PLEASE. I beg you for them because they have no voice and when they beg silently you are killing them by not hearing. There is NO betrayal greater than a mother who does not protect her children. None.

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      1. NA, your story really moved me. I am sorry you had to go through that growing up. But you are helping pple here through your experience and that is valuable.

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      2. NarcAngel, I am cut from the very same cloth you are. No matter what kind of man my mother dragged into our home to be our new abusive “daddy” she was to blame. She was our only advocate. She was our chief abuser. She let us watch. She required us to defend her. She claimed she had nowhere to go. Lies. One of the reasons I have never married. I have the benefit of knowing that I am drawn to abusive men and have no clue what healthy looks like.

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      3. NA,
        I can’t agree more… my mother NEVER put her kids first. While there was no physical abuse, the emotional and psychological was high. I wanted SOO much to have a BIG FAT MAMA BEAR of a mother. Someone who would rip someone apart for hurting me or my siblings. Nope. Got a mother who walked away from her family to go look for unconditional love and left us to our own devices on so many levels. She caused me so, so much harm. But of course, narc fastion, it was all my fault.

        So while I do get the horrible dynamic of a narc, NA is right. You are destroying your daughter by hanging around. You need to run and run fast for her. Find your BIG FAT MAMA BEAR spirit and run for her sake. Sort it all out later but get away today as every time your daughter is exposed to evil like that, she is losing a part of her soul. And that will be on your shoulders later on. When she starts to find people who treat her as you are modeling, when she starts down the path of addiction to numb pain she has no idea why its there (absorbed from you as well as being a witness to violence) and more…

        Sometimes, despite all the pain, I am so, so glad the narc showed his true colors right away as I cannot imagine what might have happened had I left my husband for him. She would have had a horrible childhood with someone like that. I know this, and in many ways, stuck with healing all this to fix myself so I can raise her to not repeat my mistakes and live a life affected by the warped thinking I have in areas that also allowed me to be victimized by a narc.

        As I told myself, this cycled stops with me, as painful as this journey has been to heal.

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      4. Narc angel I do agree with you. I would tell you the detail but I can’t without giving my identity away. I was a prisoner and tried to seek help. No one believed me. I recorded him one day and that was how I was able to get people to see I wasn’t lying. These narcs are truly charasmatic. I would die for my kids. I know you want to judge me but you have no idea what my situation was. I do know what it dies to a child because I lived it as a child too. From the age if three to nine I was sexually molested by a so called family friend. I was used as a slave. I was worked like a slave and was paid little attention too. I learned how to survive from the abuse and promised I would never let it happen again…but it did when I grew up. My first marriage flopped but it wasn’t abusive but he did shoot himself in front if me when i finally decided to leave from his cheating. My next partner was a narc. I had never even heard of narcissism. I know now what he is and how to stay away. My kids are flourishing because they now have a mother who is not walking on eggshells. It wasn’t always bad but there were more bad times than good. I’m writing my story now with the help of my daughter. We all just want to heal and move on now. I can smile now and truly mean it. Many blessings to you narc angel. I know your pain. Its not easy in this world filled with so many evils. I struggle everyday to not let myself get sucked in by another narc. You are a beautiful soul with a great heart. Peace be with you.

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      5. NarcAngel,

        It’s very brave of you to share that… the pain is palpable… I am sorry that your mother put you through such an ordeal. She should have known better…

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      1. That’s what I am working on. I try to relive the good times he planted and their never truly was any because I’m learning he was fake. Hg has truly enlightened me and so has my psychiatrist. Its a day by day thing. I’m know he was just playing a part in his own movie trying to only gratify himself. I’m just trying to validate my feelings now to move in. Its not easy when there are so many triggers but this group has helped me heal. Many blessings to you. I greatly appreciate your wisdom.

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    5. Mykeytolife,

      The loneliness, silence, isolation, blame shifting and the excuses are all familiar to me. My experience was like an episode of the Twilight Zone and my health suffered, as well. My heart broke reading about what you and your young daughter went through. And he disowned your older daughters. Devastating. What a nightmare for you and your beautiful girls. Use everything you have learned here to teach and protect yourself and your precious family. If I could, I would stand right next to you so we could eat stale donuts and drink terrible coffee together, while we shared our grief and maybe a few laughs. Nine years stolen! May God go with you and keep you safe.

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      1. Thank you so much K. Its hard because I always feel the need to defend myself. I sure could use the laughs about now. I don’t like to drink or go out. Fun to me is spending time with my kids and going to the beach or park with them. I sure do wish I had more support. I put my kids before myself and always have. That’s why I took the abuse from him. He was great to them but to me I was a emotional punching bag. Nobidy knows the pain but those who lived the abuse personally. God bless you, and thank you for helping me heal. You have no idea how much this means to me.

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    6. Mykeytolife….I’m so sorry this is part of your story. Please heed the advice to extricate yourself from this and yes you must protect yourself but also your children. I know how hard it is I know the fog prevents you from seeing the real horror even though you can say what happened the grave reality does not bite.

      NarcAngel was one of the first to see and reply to a post I’d written when I first joined the site and it was her sharing her experience of abuse as a child and positive acknowledgement of my choice to cut contact with my children’s abusive father that gave me the reassurance I needed to know I’d done the right thing and essentially the strength to stay on that track.

      Even after months of no contact I still wondered if I’d been right. Now as the fog lifts for both me and my young family we are all remembering incidents that now feel as clear as a slap in the face for me…how did I not see it? Why did I stay for so long? Why didn’t I listen to my gut instinct sooner? Because of the insidious nature of abuse that’s why and you are not to blame.

      BUT….but….now you see it you must take action. Once you do, every step you take will feel right, not wrong. Which is how you’ve been conditioned go feeling.
      I’m glad you’ve made your way here. Keep strong.

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      1. Hello VHF,

        I took action 2 years ago and seperated with my abuser. He always abused me in private so nobody knew my pain. He convinced me to push everyone away so in the end I could be controlled without anyone seeing his deeds. My older children never saw it because he was great to them. My youngest who we share together was young and witnessed it a few times when she would wake up and hear him yelling at me. Then the few times he did hit me. I always stayed because he was good to them. I told him the moment my kids ever saw what he did I would leave. I did. I also recorded him so others would believe me because he played the hero. All people saw was this guy who claimed to glorify me n the kids. Little did they know I was being hurt. It all made sense to everyone once I showed proof. Why I became recluse, why I worked all the time… While he went out and made me stay home. He took the kids but made me stay. My youngest daughter spoke up too and said what she saw. She was young but she remembered. Never were my kids in danger but I was. He didn’t yell at them or try to dictate them. I think it was a form of triangulation. I would ask him why can’t he show me affection like he does the kids? He would say I was jealous but I was not jealous. I never understood how he could be one way with others and another way with me. It baffled me. I tried to make him happy and completely broke myself doing it. I am now fixing my life back. I wasn’t a dumb woman or had low self esteem. I was very guarded and I alwAys believed that people could change. I held on for as long as I could for my kids happiness. I have seen people who let their partners be abusive to their kids or been abusive and I do not stand for it. Yet, I took the abuse myself. The best way to describe my situation is like the frog in the boiling water. It took for my pot to tip over so I wouldn’t get boiled alive. My kids come second to God. And God got us out if that situation. I’m thriving now and stay clear of him. He communicates with his daughter but discarded my older daughters and I. Which that is fine because my youngest sees what he is doing and now wants little to do with him. His mask is off and now everyone knows what he truly is. He has found new sources, and I feel sorry for them but I’m out of his circle. Yes I still have emotions for him time to time but I’m learning he was a fake. In time I will heal my kids will to from his discard. We will be okay, and I am truly greatful for the support on here and from HG. He has given me the tools to never get conned again. Many blessings to you. Thanks so much for your post. I’m learning more each day and that is what helps me heal. Xoxo

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      2. Hi mykeytolife and thank you for sharing that….So good to know you made it to the other side and that your children have too. They have you to thank for that of course, as well as the incredible intuition they possess. I hope mine can also get their heads round our story in time. I keep reading and healing too.

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      1. Without specific example….. Simply, can you stop yourself from doing something (impulse/urges) you know is wrong? Or do you do it anyway, knowing what the consequences could (potentially) be? I believe I know the answer, but seek confirmation from you…

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      2. I do what I want. If I decide that I am better served not doing something (the outcome of which would be regarded as wrong) I can control myself. Some times.

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      3. My ex is religious. He believes pre-marital sex is a sin. Yet he has little self control, so engaged in it for a time span of two years until he got caught. Do narcs really have a moral compass HG? I know they don’t feel guilt, but my ex thinks he will go to hell for his past sins. So it seems he has something similar to a moral compass. Do you concur HG?

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      4. But his moral compass was one of the reasons i fell in love with him. He is back to his religious self now, so i thought – though he wavered, he eventually found his way back to doing the right thing. If even that is a facade, then i will have to re-think my feelings for him. This is sad for me.

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      5. Well this changes things for me (for now lol). I am borderline so my own feelings waver. πŸ™†
        I know about the facade. But some principles are learned and ingrained while growing up, even if you’re a narc i thought. His family is very religious and instilled certain values in him, so i thought at least that could not be a facade. I knew that he went off track for two years, but eventually found his way back to his principles.

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  2. Ha! Funny that! I cant swim. I asked the tHiNg once “if we were in a sinking boat, you would save me right?”
    The responce was “who else is in there with us!”
    Allrightythen……….

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    1. This made me laugh, Lisa! My ex would swear he’d give his lifeblood to save me then watch me struggle at any given opportunity with a look of mild amusement on his face. Then go miles out of his way to help an unknown pensioner carry a bag of shopping. Is it any wonder we were completely baffled until HG came along and saved us?

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      1. I know right DJ? How many red flags should it take, before we let the bull run into the wall? Im thinking, just one!
        Pity we stayed and played with the said bull!

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      2. DJ, you need to read HG’s post My Secret Garden if you haven’t already. I think that’s the title. Perfect representation of watching someone suffer and being amused by it.

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      3. Life is a learning curve, Lisa. What matters is the bull hit the wall in the end πŸ™‚
        Thanks for the suggestion 12345 I’ll check that out.

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  3. Spy Report:

    I have to share this because it is a bit funny. My empath spy told me that my ex-boyfriend was talking about how difficult his customers can be sometimes; he is a small business owner.

    She asked, “How do you handle difficult customers?”
    His response: ” I am very, very nice to them and then I get back at them later.”

    So he gives his customers a mini golden period only to devalue them later on. And he called me crazy…

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      1. I am laughing so hard at your usage of the word “kryptonite” because he has the word “Kryptonian” as part of his screen name. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

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      1. The grandiosity? It is a manifestation of the need to maintain superiority and the consequence of the accumulation of character traits for the purposes of the construct. We regard ourselves as above other people which means that with some of our kind this will show through grandiose behaviours, flamboyance and so forth.

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      2. Yes it was the grandiosity. Thank you for clarifying further with more information as to why this is done. I think somebody else asked about the superhero thing. Why some of them are obsessed with superheroes like for example Superman or Batman? And acting like they are the ones who are the protectors? Or I guess any childhood types of things like that? I often think this might’ve been the one thing that he didn’t make up about himself since it wasn’t something we had in common.

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      1. Jenna,
        It was the one trait I am fairly certain he did not make up. He went on and on and on about all things superhero. I did not have this in common with him but I listened and showed interest and asked questions. After we were intimate he would regale me with his superhero analysis and discussions while holding me. Yeah in retrospect he kind of was like a little boy. A little boy who uses big vocab words. LOL.

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      2. @Gabrielle,
        ‘After we were intimate he would regale me with his superhero analysis and discussions while holding me.’

        Haha ! Seriously? That’s hilarious!

        The guy I was seeing liked superheroes too as well as Star Wars and James Bond. ( I like it as well ).We were seeing each other for a while and he asked me to the cinema to see Spectre. I have seen many movies from Bond’s series but probably not enough to have the knowledge that he does. So I have done some research and I learned many interesting facts about it including statistics as to how many people Bond killed so far , how many women he slept with , his cars etc . Just to impress him .πŸ˜…

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      3. A broken wing,
        Another commentor said it really is amazing that they are cut from the same cloth. I’m curious if the whole superhero thing is common among Narcs. Similar to that of the big vocabulary. Impress him? I thought their type didn’t get impressed. πŸ˜‰

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  4. When I realized one day, that he is not a man in many ways becuase I don’t think he would protect any woman, that is when I turned yet another corner away from him. Had he felt protective at all, half of what had happened would not have happened. Even if he and I were never going to work, the trip to see him would not have been so horrible because a gentleman would never treat a woman that way. And I don’t mean the love bombing fake gentleman stuff. I mean a real man, through and through. Someone in touch with his Ying/Yang spirit. Which does mean, in touch with empathy and compassion. And since that did not exist, he never protected me one bit. He would rather destroy and hurt me than ever act as a real man with me. That is when I realized I had no more use for him anymore, too.

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      1. Also my relationship wasn’t putting his love for me over my kids darling. He was a good dad to them but he would use me as the mentor. He fooled everyone with his charm. He would be the cool one and I was the one who was working while everyone had fun. My older kids did not see that side of him and he thought my youngest wouldn’t remember the things he did. But she did. When we were at the shelter she told them everything. Yet they still didn’t help us. These narcs are so convincing that at times they make you question your own sanity. I agree a parent should protect their kids. I did my best to hide it from them. I took the abuse because he made them happy not me. It wasn’t until he finally discarded us that I was free. He’s gone now and I never will go back to that. I tried to seem help but nobody was there for me because they saw how happy the kids were. My youngest was too young to speak of the abuse then but once she was and I was trying to get help she told them everything. Its a cycle that I want them never to repeat and I believe they wont because they all are smart kids and finally see what I was going through. Many blessings to you hun. This site has really opened my eyes.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was not as involved as you were but had it gone deeper, I can only imagine. The pain I went through was deep enough. So deep that the online meme “someone can only hurt you if you let them” made even more mockery of the situation. I only know that from what I heard, he put his ex wife through hell. Once I heard that, I realized that it didn’t matter who someone is… beautiful, not beautiful, perfect, imperfect, rich or poor… no one was going to be enough, the right one or would make him happy. And his “reasons” why he did what he did to me when we were kids was just a bunch of hoover BS material 30 years later. But it still took me 2-3 years to get to a place of some peace. Even as late as last November, the pain was up and down for me. I luckily had a window of time where I was able to every night, meditate for lack of a word on just how deep it went and somehow, doing that night after night, I was able to heal alot of the hurt at last. I did it also while devouring this blog as there were alot of missing pieces that I only found here.

        I am glad he is gone from your life. It was hard to tell if your kids were still in danger. And as many people report, many counselors just don’t get this dynamic. Mine is pretty good, does understand manipulation, but I don’t think she 100% gets the depth of hurt that is caused and why its so necessary and how it happens and why there is no simple “just move on” component.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I totally get how the narcs work now and I pray I never let another one in my life. He discarded me because hi chose My kids over him. I wasn’t going to let him bully me anymore. I’m so glad you left before it got seriously worse. These narcs break every inch of your being and contaminate everyone around in believing your the monster. Then to put them on top they discard you to show the world your worthless. What heartless souls. God bless you

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    1. Mykeytolife….I hadn’t read through your posts before replying to your first one must have higher up! I am seriously messing up with my posts at the moment. Definitely look like the crazy one too!

      So. I’m very very glad you are out of that and will not be going back. And very glad you found your way here too.

      I think I’ll just read and not post for a while now!

      Like

      1. Hi VFH, don’t worry hun. I do it all the time especially with long threads. I take all information in… Good and bad. I just wish I could go into details but can’t because it would give my identity away. All is good though. I’m learning and am so inspired because of everyone in this site. Many blessings to you and please keep posting.

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  5. This narcissistic truth amused me.

    My mid-range loser would have tripped me if zombies were running after us.

    I will say…that I protected him from his self-destructiveness. This of course included cleaning up his many messes. More often than not it involved me fixing some impulsive, vindictive, short-sighted, petty, selfish act he had done at work or To a friend outside of work.

    It wasn’t until the very end that I let him fall. It’s what I should have done all along.

    Did anyone else here get the shittiest excuse for a golden period ever? What is shittier than bronze? Lol

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    1. yeah, so shitty that I find (now) he was funding and supporting our “bronze” period with other IPSS (shelved and active), Lieutenants and tertiary sources resources…. Then, he indirectly took my resources to fund more of his new targets…. then the triangulation commenced and devaluation…. 13 years of this…. my “other self” felt with it. Now I am maintaining N/C successfully after being “schooled” by HG. I don’t like to take up a lot of space writing here about my self(s)….

      Like

      1. Yeah I would say that’s one shitty ass bronze period! Well I’m sure mine was banging dudes or getting blow jobs by strange men even in the beginning of the relationship. He never ever showered me with attention I barely could get a phone call a day and that was in the beginning! We didn’t even see each other thatttttt much when we first started out – probably because he had to balance all the random dick.

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  6. Maybe some humor can be found in just how ridiculous my mid-range narcissist was:

    He tried to convince me (a freaking PsyD) that I was Bipolar and didn’t know it. He actually was so stupid that he believed that he could make me doubt my sanity and entertain that I had a mood disorder that I didn’t know about. I just busted out laughing. He never did it again πŸ˜‚

    Oh here is a good one: I use too many tissues. I don’t understand cause I don’t buy the tissues.

    Anyone have any comical moments lol?

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    1. Hmmm ,In response to Dr Harlem Quiznel… let’s see…I didn’t toast bread properly, I loved my dog too much(it was unatural), I didn’t see the world and people properly( they were all evil and and stupid and should be put on their own island)Giving my children the basic necessities was over spoiling them. Oh and yes I was bipolar , he was surprised no one at work noticed at work and was oh so worried that one day I would snap with a patient and do serious harm to them.Oh and the doors he smashed and items he broke during a rage fest… that was my doing, I was so insanely crazy in the moment that my mind must have made up a new memory to help me cope. Same with the bruises on my arms, and where his nails had dug into my skin… those were self inflicted.. oh Hun don’t you remember?? Tsk tsk… I worry about you, you just have to alter your reality to function don’t you? Uhg…. funny, No one seems to say these things to me now.They only say that I seem like my old happy cheerful self again.

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      1. Your narcissist and my ex narcissist should have a tea party lol!

        Well I couldn’t fold sheets correctly lol! I insisted on folding them sitting down instead of standing up lmao!

        I loved when he would get mad and call me a terrible psychologist lol. As if that actually hurt me. By terrible psychologist he meant I hate the fact you are onto me and call me out on everything. Lol!

        This new victim my ex is with (young daddy issues girl) who I hear is a complete dirtbag has no idea what is coming her way lmao. Not a damn clue.

        Did I mention I found him on a big dick dating website? Did I mention he likes dick and I had someone find out he was on Craigslist and backpage looking for the dick? Lmao

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      2. According to my loser mid-ranger, everyone he seemed to date was bipolar or had anger issues.

        I had a borderline friend who worked with him who clearly chose the wrong team (not mine) and sided with my ex in one of his lovely episodes of triangulation. This girl – her house burned down I was the first person to be there helping her gather her stuff from the house, giving her clothing, and driving her around…. my ex told her she should be with her family. Translation I have other shit I wanna do lmao.

        Anyone dumb or deranged enough to believe anything that shit show believes is a moron and I want nothing to do with them.

        “I’m a really nice guy Harley you make me out to be such a bad guy”

        ::Eye roll::

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      3. The toast made me laugh lol – what a doucherocket!

        The physical abuse – I had some similar moments and I remember looking him dead in the face saying do you really think you are going to mindfuck me into believing you didn’t slap me etc? Ohhhh I guess cause you said it didn’t happen it didn’t happen right?

        I think your narc and my narc think they have the men in black pen that zaps memory lmao!

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  7. For the record I am not insulting or talking about mood disorders in negative light nor am I saying they are crazy.

    He thought he could make me believe I was crazy…

    He thought he could make me believe I was bipolar and didn’t know it lol

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  8. Star,

    I forgot to mention how he felt as thought he supported my lifestyle (we didn’t live together) because he bought tissues and I used too many lol.

    What is hilarious is I traveled back and forth from different states multiple times a week to keep that shit show relationship alive and paid for like everything. Oh but he put work in lol? He supported me financially ??? His response to all this was “I put up with you” – isn’t that precious?

    I happen to have ADHD that is why I specialize in ADHD lol! The gift I have is that when off medication and by the end of the relationship I would stop reacting most of the time. I literally would mentally check out. The expression on his face when I would clock out was priceless. I couldn’t hear anything he was saying πŸ˜‚.

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    1. Dr Harlem Quinzel,I also fought back and stood up for myself. Eventually adopted an emotionaless blank state when dealing with him. Or I would pretend to agree then do as I pleased.But always being” on” and playing what felt like a constant game had its toll on me. And with my lack of I guess ” fuel” he got increasingly worse until I realized it was no longer worth my time and effort and energy.Kicked him out quickly and brutally and sought a great therapist. But it was hard, I kept hoping he would see things different and change. This is where HGs articles have been so helpful. They help one see the truth and reality, and deal with it.

      Like

  9. The best advice i can give anyone is what you don’t know can’t hurt you…

    Don’t ask people about your ex and try to tell other people who bring him/her up you don’t want them to tell you about them because it just doesn’t matter.

    I avoid talking about him to many people. Every once in awhile someone will feed you information and it might cause a set back.

    Remember the same thing will always happen to the next. They will lie and cheat on whoever they are with.

    There really is no hope for a lesser or mid-ranger.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would agree this applies in the situations you have described Dr Q, of course in wider terms it is the very fact that you do not know about us which causes you to be hurt, so the acquisition of knowledge is fundamental.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Agreed. The knowledge is what will save people. You have saved many peoole by not only sharing all of this informarion with the public but explaining to your readers how to apply what they have learned to real life situations.

        this is just one of the things that sets you a part frm others in your field.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Dr Harleen,
      Im betting the midranger you were involved with had a very overbearing controlling mother. Ive read that quite often that can lead to a man becoming submissive and wanting to be dominated. Ive also heard it can lead to a gay preference as well but i tend to believe were born the way we are in sexual preference.

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      1. Curious,

        Thank you so much for your input. I honestly really really appreciate it. It is very difficult to see things straight when you are so emotionally involved. My ex did not have an overbearing mother; however no one ever spoke about anything that was emotional. Whenever they were around each other (the whole family) they always had to be playing a game (outdoors, card game etc) or talking about like very on the surface topics it was painfully boring for me. There was a theme of passive aggressiveness – no one directly expressed their feelings. They all triangulated as well. On the surface they looked like a leave it to beaver family but it was so…..I can’t even find the word for it.

        My ex would make comments about how another man was actin all touchy touch while drunk and that his parents thought his brother was gay (I’m thinking he really meant himself lol). There were also rumors around work (I met him at work years ago) that he was gay.

        I’m sure you can see why this gets so damn confusing.

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      2. Dr Harleen,
        Ty for your reply and thats very interesting and not what i would have expected. I wonder if he had ever been abused in his childhood? I do think people can just be born with sexual preferences just like any other things in life. Fetishes and fantasies are very particular to each person. I could never understand wanting humiliation tho. That one i equate to someone having been abused in their past.

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    1. No but he sure a shit begged me to talk about big dicks lol and was seeking one on a big dick dating website!

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      1. Dr HQ
        Ok, let me first say that when you first stated you “found’ him on a big dick dating website” that I believed you to mean that is where you searched for and found him, not that you discovered him frequenting that type of website. Bit of confusion there, but I would say even now that its been clarified that you were not disappointed had the former been the case. He did in fact by your description turn out to be a huge dick. That is why I asked for confirmation. To see if he started out a liar and WAS one instead of having one.

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      2. Dr Harleen,
        Youve sure had your share of interesting experiences. You may need therapy after all that πŸ˜‚ no disrespect but the way you come across id never guess you were a psychologist.

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      3. Thank you HG πŸ™‚

        Here I am not a psychologist here I am just someone trying to relate to other people who have had similar experiences.

        What people really fail to understand is that most psychologists, social workers etc don’t know much about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

        They know about the overt grandiose type but not the other forms and how they play out in real life in the relationship dynamic.

        I mean sure I could whip out my psychologist side when its appropriate but I don’t feel the need here most of the time. I do get frustrated when people relay inaccurate information.

        It is important to remember that I am human. I am what they would call a “wounded healer”.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. how hypocritical would it be for psychologists to preach its okay to get therapy but be ashamed they have had or are in therapy.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. HG,

        Well we kind of do when we have meetings or supervision. So I guess…yes LOL.

        Like

      1. Did he like small penis humiliation, strap-ons, and just like to be made to feel like a piece of shit most of the time – tell him what loser he was lol?

        Like

      2. Dr HQ
        THEY responded to being treated like crap, denied, talked incessantly of having me punish them by having them service both me, and other males (for MY benefit and not theirs you understand). Same for strap-on-for my benefit and they suggested as a punishment. Feigned fearing it and didnt think they could do it etc while salivating at the prospect. One admitted (without being asked) to having performed with a man at one point and though I did not push further appeared that it may have been an immediate family member. He could of course be using that for shock value but I believed with him it was the truth. One could take a surprising amount of pain and humiliation. Others talked a good game but were found out quickly to be just that-talkers. It can be a dangerous game and I dont suggest it for others due to how much trust must be exercised on both sides. It varied from one to another but not greatly in most cases. I could have had a business just hosting parties to put them together and then literally sit back and watch the show. As long as I was there to pin the blame on they were good. They were using me and I them. No victims. I dont know how to say this so others will understand, but it was not always the negative hateful exercise it would seem. There seemed to be relief, gratitude, and some grudging respect. Seemed being the operative word there. They were lucky to have me due to the restraint I excercised and at times compassion I showed them depending on their demeanour and my mood. I did see glimpses of a child-like or weaker version of them and I now wonder if that is what HG refers to as the creature. Atvthe vety least a mask slip. Not all were able to perform some functions (and of course would be punished for that) while others wanted to be praised incessantly for being useful.

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      3. he watched so much porn it was literally on another level. I would periodically check and find a range of shit but I would say “big dick” was frequently in the search and tranny stuff, jerk off instructions, small penis humiliation, face sitting, femdom, twink porn, gay porn

        We aren’t talking one clip of gay porn I’m talking many.

        I figured he was secretly bisexual and never mentioned it

        I used to avoid having sex with him all the time

        The last and final time we saw each other I said “I would like a better sex life again as well ” and he said and I quote “because you don’t have sex with me anymore It kills my self esteem and I’ve been watching tranny porn and gay porn. I hate myself that I watch it but it turns me on that I hate myself”

        Like

      4. It’s so confusing when a man literally won’t stop trying to bang you…like all the time and then find more and more pieces of gay material…

        When I think about it though i feel like he may have been convincing himself he liked the vag or it was simply a hole and it will work…

        He would often come back from the gym and wanna bang a lot and that’s a hot spot for undercover action.

        I entertain he could be bisexual but really wants dick

        It really fucks with ur head

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      5. NarcAngel,

        You have my attention lol! What I’m trying to understand is …. is that like your thing or did he ask for it?

        I have a running joke with my friends that at this point I could be a professional dominatrix lmao!

        That stuff wasn’t my thing… I actually became more and more turned off (this was of course in addition to the lack of attention and well anythinggggggggggggggg I got from him and the fact he was a pushy Whiney asshole).

        After awhile I became so angry I remember after being whined and bitched at to do something sexual with him (after a day of him either ignoring me or picking at me for things that don’t even like exist) the things i started saying and doing started to become more …. real.

        He thought I was acting when I looked as though I was bored …. or when I was saying degrading shit to him when in reality it became the truth there was no action anymore.

        What’s funny is … he loved to be owned … he loved when I objectified him.

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      6. he really was soooo masochistic.

        At one point he would say shit in the moment “tell me how pathetic I am and how you want a big dick and wanna cheat on me…”

        Then he would take it back later lol

        Well shit … he seemed to be more stuck on me talking about big dicks lmao!!

        The only thing that i said that really emotionally hit him when saying all that degrading shit was “wow you must really fucking hate yourself”

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      7. NarcAngel,

        I’m fascinated by this lol…

        What I find so interesting is the vibe I’m getting and please correct me if I’m wrong…. is that those more submissive masochistic men sexually turn you on…?

        I am personally not turned on by this flavor of man I’m actually repulsed yet I ended up with one πŸ˜‚

        Like

      8. Dr HQ
        It was consensual. I wanted to punish and they professed to want to be punished. I say professed because some had the fantasy and desire to push the envelope sexually but found reality is much different than imagination and they were not as “special” as they thought they were (although their failure was always attributed to me). It is not about a desire for submissive and masochistic men but rather for strong men under my control. Sex is secondary to me. Control is what I want. They have their own agenda of course. It is a theatre of emotion if you think about it. The harsh commands, humiliating laughter, and the leaning down into their face to hiss something derogatory. All demonstrating strong emotion. Fuel. The domination or humiliation by a woman may also be a sub in for a familiar female dynamic in their life (not always sexual). I make no judgements about anything sexual between consenting adults. HG has written about their sexual fluidity, so them wanting to have sex with men is not surprising. The ones I experienced wanted me to order or command them to have male interaction so that it would transfer the responsibility of wanting it from them to me and I have no problem with that. In an intimate relationship (I was not primary source and did not live with any of them) they may also want you to engage in these acts to degrade you (if you are only doing it to appease them) and to use it on you in future in the form of either devaluation/discard or in some type of smear or blackmail. This may have been what you were experiencing if it was evident you were not enjoying it.

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      9. Dr HQ
        Ok, I answered your question and turnabout is fair play so……….given that you were not into him sexually, (suspected he had another agenda in that regard), he was a pushy whiny asshole, he had issues with your usage of paper products (Kleenex I think it was?) what was it that caused you to maintain the relationship?

        Like

      10. NarcAngel,

        That’s a fair question- a kind of complicated one actually lol.

        I was sexually attracted to him at first. This is before he whipped out all that strap-on stuff etc.

        He had a girlfriend he was living with at the time and I just got out of a relationship with another narcissist. I could tell my ex was attracted to me and I was quite fixated on him – he was a pussy though – not the more aggressive type. I actually seduced him … I was the one who caught him and got him to leave his relationship. He was no inactive party all I had to do was get that ball rolling and he came to me more and more.

        I worked so hard and put so much time in I figured him not giving me the proper attention I needed and his snippy behavior was because he was in transition between relationships (he has to break the lease etc) but I kept giving and giving and giving and I’m sitting there waiting and getting nothing and thennnnnnn I’m thinking wtf ..???

        It was at this point he started taking more and more advantage of the fact that I loved him and he kept giving absolutely nothing in return so I stopped giving then it really fuxking spiraled out of control with him punishing me cause I was withdrawing ,

        When I look back he was never a pleasure to be around

        He was whiny and fucking victim nothing was his fault the world just happened to him.

        He preyed on my sympathy and my empathy.

        I couldn’t accept I spent so much time trying to like get this man and it wasn’t worth the pay off – that I got a piece of shit instead …. I should have pulled out of a bad investment but I dated in it for 4 years …. 5 if you count the time he was cheating on his ex with me.

        Naturally I also became attached as well …so it becomes harder to detach.

        Like

      11. NarcAngel:
        So, not every pain-inflicting person who wants to be in control is a narc, right?
        And do you have any idea why some people who had suffered abuse might want to become a dom, and control and punish other (consenting) poeple, and others who have more or less a similar background turn out the opposite? Why would someone who had been abused want to be submissive?
        What does it have to do with sex (like … becoming one with someone), and on the other hand, why is sexual intercourse not really important while the setting is completely sexual?
        πŸ™‚

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      12. Hi Ava101
        Nice to see you again. I have no expertise in this, but my opinion is that no, not every person who plays with pain or wants control is a narc. People who engage in these activities are from all walks of life and who is to say how they came upon the realisation that this is something that interested them. There are also varying degrees, so it is not always the torture people conjure up. I am sure it would not be a stretch for people to imagine that my want to exert control or have power over someone might have to do with my not having it as a child, however I would not say that would be the case for all. Nor do I believe that all who want to be humiliated were abused. Perhaps they were handed everything and find no pleasure in that. Feel that they may not deserve it, need to be punished for having so much where others dont. Hard to say the reasons. It is as strange to me that people like cuddling, kissing and the like as you imagine this dynamic to be. Some people denied affection search it out, others abhor it. Sex is not the most important part. I would say that comes from consenting people feeling fulfilled by a need that leads to the temporary feeling of contentment (for lack of a better word) the act of sex allows.

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      13. Ava101
        There are also people who have immense responsibility and burden with a need to hold it all together and to stay in control (professional or personal reasons). To deny themselves to let go they while consumed with responsibility. They yearn to give that up and just BE for a time. To let someone take the reins and make all of the decisions. This is not something that is easy for them and I would say it takes courage to hand that to someone however briefly. Someone who reciprocates by taking that power for themselves but not to abuse it, or the person in a way that is not negotiated. As you can see-very little to do with sex in some cases.

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      14. Thank you so much, NarcAngel!

        You have given me the answer I was looking for. πŸ™‚
        I guess it does have to do a lot on the devote part with “not deserving” and “responsibility”. I feel all the time like I have to act (and fight) daily opposed to what I was taught as a child, and going against all the horrible beliefs my parents, especially my mother, had implanted me. I don’t accept anyone as above or better than me, but at the same time, I’m tired of fighting, as acting assertively is an act of will, not something that had been implanted in me. My mother is totally a slave to authority and that was extended to me, others were always right (teachers, doctors, priest, my father, etc.) and it had to be done as they said, no matter what. And even after I got my university degree, she still thought I should marry and stay at home then. So my professional life and independence goes against the beliefs that were instilled in me.

        Very nicely put: “temporary contentment”.
        Why does it have to be a sexual setting at all then? Like … someone in a torture chamber wearing sexy underwear? πŸ˜‰
        I admit that it’s hard to imagine alternatives, but maybe e.g. someone in a fitness bootcamp – might that have the same effect? Or is not personal enough? I guess the dominant person is important to relate to?

        I wouldn’t cuddle and kiss with anyone either, I didn’t mind at all that my exnarc didn’t like kissing (naturally).

        Like

      1. Thank you πŸ™‚

        I have read it and I totally get the porn thing

        It’s this small penis humiliation kinda shit that honestly confuses me

        Like

    1. One of my favorite songs!
      I’m still very interested in your nickname. The men you described do not size up to big bad villains.
      Did you have a ‘Joker’ in your past?

      Like

      1. Yes there was ….. lol

        He has been in and out of my life for 15 years.

        You never forget ur first narc or psychopath lol 😜

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol you definitely cannot forget your first psychopath. No matter how much you want to πŸ˜‰ and they never forget either.

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      3. Omg Doc! You understand me! That scene was glorious! It moved me to tears! That is real True Love! ❀❀❀ At least to me it is.
        Ah, beautiful. I need a moment…

        Like

      4. Love and Dr Q
        That scene is electrifying. He is hideous to the eye and danger oozes off of him, yet he strikes me as just a deeply flawed human capable of displaying more affection to her than I have ever known.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. The joker from my past is currently in ghost mode lol.

        Interestingly enough he disclosed something very dark and personal to me and shortly after he disappeared.

        He’s lost his pull over me now. To be completely honest i was becoming increasingly bored as time went on – there is no real evolution with him.

        I mean the one thing I will say about him is he went from lying about everything to lying about 80 percent of the time lol. I am probably being kind by saying 80% haha.

        He used to say to me when we were younger “you’re just like me”

        I wonder if he knew that I wasn’t or believed that I was because I used to play with him right back.

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      6. Him ghosting after his revelation might solely been for a dramatic exit. They are theatrical. I’ve also been privy to such secrets. Realized they were lies as well. Said to cause excitement and suspense.
        He’ll be back.

        Like

      7. Oh i make a point to never be forgotten lol.

        I always knew what he was from a young age. He didn’t know what he was. In 2013 after about a year hiatus he texted me and told me he went to a psychiatrist to find out he was a psychopath lol.

        I told him “why did you bother I could have told you that for free”

        he was shocked i knew….lmao

        Liked by 1 person

      8. There are different flavors of psychopaths.

        I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to the con artist type.

        My first psychopath (I hate to admit this) played a huge part in the development of my own identity. I met him at a very vulnerable time developmentally.

        I remember I used to ask him over and over why do you play these games with me and he would say things like “you play back” “I wanna fuck your mind”.

        It’s truly amazing how you could know someone for 16 years and never really ever know them.

        I know him….the way he thinks…but his life I don’t know much about.

        I have been able to piece many things together though…

        I never know why he disappears though. That is something that still confuses me. The humorous part now is ….I just don’t care.

        Sometimes obsessions and infatuations serve different functions. I believe these functions can change over time.

        I think there was a time I needed this like infatuation …it served a purpose for me…now ….for many reasons it doesn’t work and serves no purpose.

        At this point I will not answer him when he returns – I just don’t care enough.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Love & NarcAngel,

        Exactly … that is appeal lol

        Even though things like this may happen – still lovable lol…πŸ˜‚

        Like

  10. HG, could you (please) repost that writing you did awhile back about how Porn is used by your kind? I believe it may help the above writers of comments to see it from your perspective (not theirs) and how/why it is viewed and used. I don’t remember the specifics, but it may help to refresh… TY

    Like

    1. Ms Brown
      I have read and am familiar with this information, but thank you for the direction in the case that I had not been. I would recommend HGs book Sex and the Narcissist for further education on this topic.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Let me rephrase that: NA & Dr hiQ… perhaps your long drawn out discussion (above) would be better placed and accepted on the post I just asked HG to reblog. It really is irrelevant to Narcissist Truth No.8. Is the direct enough or shall I rephrase again? a yes or no will do…

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      2. HG
        Is there an issue? I dont understand Ms Browns concern in relation to providing info on Porn Supremacy and Im afraid Im in no mood today to be deciphering peoples concerns. Just let me know what the problem is if you would. Thank you.

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  11. Hi Curious! Dr HQ is definately blunt and out there ,but personally I love that she is so open and honest about everything no matter how taboo the subject . I think if she was my psychologist I would feel very comfortable baring my soul to her, as her approach seems very non judgemental and matter of fact.Plus I would probably be busting a gut laughing with herπŸ˜‚

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    1. AWW omg hugs from afar! I think you are awesome too. I recognize I am unconventional. i mean here…im not a psychologist with clients or students….here im just me – but to be honest with you in session im the same damn way LMAO

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    2. Hi star
      I have no judgement either way with Dr Harleen. I just cant envision any of my psychologists ive seen talk this way but of course we dont know them in their private lives. I find her posts humorous πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with you Curious and could not envision any psychologists I’ve spoken with talking the way Dr HQ does either.

        But what you say about not knowing them in their private lives doesn’t sit well with me….how we come across in our private lives is generally how we come across in public or at work too isn’t it? Within reason of course…more or less relaxed or formal etc but essentially the same person. Unless you’re a narc of course!

        So, and I mean no offence Dr HQ, as you rightly point out, you can be yourself here. I just felt the need to say I find your terminology distasteful and at odds with someone in your field. Athough that field is a huge and varied one, it would seem reasonable to expect some level of decorum wouldn’t it? Using words like “vag” and “hole” just don’t ring true with someone working in this arena.

        I’m no prude either but just read your posts – maybe it’s lost in translation as the printed word can be, but if I heard my therapist talking as you do I would run a mile!

        Each to his own though and I know I might be coming across as the English language police which is obviously not what these forums are about but….I was in an abusive relationship for many years, have seen, heard and know of awful acts committed by the ones i loved and am not easily shocked….yet i still found reading your posts in this thread thoroughly unpleasant.

        I don’t expect my opinion to be of any interest to you, there’s no need for it to be, but I wanted to share anyway for what it’s worth.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I would tend to agree with you VFW…. since it IS anonymous here, we don’t know for fact anything, except what HG writes about and advises. Lots of so called “experts” here, until you sit back and observe the circular banter and lack of integrity

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hi Ms Brown, yes I do see the circular banter but hadn’t really paid it any mind. I think that was part of what threw me not long after joining the site (which was only a couple of months ago.)

        I felt a bit paranoid about it all but have since realised I was being naive – thinking all would be as it seemed in a forum created by a Greater and attended by all those associated with narcissistic behaviour and abuse. Me included obviously.

        It’s normally unlike me to speak up about someone else as I did about Dr HQ but I’ve tried to give my reasons in answering her and NA. I wonder though if some residue has got on me! Of the site i mean and subject matter I hasten to add, not from Dr HQ and NA!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. VFH…. there will always be the certain “know it all’s” that are full of nothing but words, taking up space here, on HG’s page, that are irrelevant to what he posted. You are doing right by speaking up and trying to stay on and relevant to the current subjects he posts pos. I appreciate that you probably understand where I was going with my comments, as you already have a higher understanding! πŸ’‹

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      5. It would seem so indeed!

        Today I’m feeling very meh about it all and can’t be bothered expending any more energy on the ex, in whatever form it takes. All I want is for him to carry on enjoying his new life in the run up to the one that will follow, and stay out of mine.

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      6. VFW: it is imperative you do whatever it takes, to remain N/C (including electronics and social media/no peeking) … you will then gain energy and power

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      7. VFH
        Im glad you voiced your opinion, and this is the place where people are free to do so. That also includes others who may have conflicting views, use different language, and participate in things others do not approve of. We do not have to accept what others think or do, but most people here have been in a controlled environment to some degree and I find it odd that we would put our boundaries on others when the main complaint in these relationships is that of having ours crossed and freedoms denied. Howd that work out with the narcs in our lives? If someone offers nothing but attack or misleading information that is one thing, but Dr Q offered that she is not here in an official capacity but in one of being able to relate and to learn as we all are. She just happens to have the job that she does. Im sure she only mentioned it in that she may have a different perspective due to her work on occasion. I can assure you that I do not whip out a crop, humiliate clients, or talk of my abusive childhood and adult relationships in my workplace either. I do not know what you do in your workplace and I have never wondered about it. It doesnt matter to me, nor does someones sexual practices, race, etc. I am offended for example by people who tell others they should find God. My responses have been harsh and yet I dont deny them their belief, or right to express it. I could have been offended when you first arrived here and had to leave because you experienced some mild paranoia and thought the commenters were not real, but I understood you had experienced trauma and needed time. Some people dont need time but instead freedom. Freedom to drop who they must show to the world daily and be able to express themselves with understanding and without the restraint or predjudice of others. Im sure you do not envision your children one day perhaps discussing the things you did not approve of here, but I am also sure that you do not want whatever it is they have to say now or eventually, to be stifled by the censorship of others. Opinions will be strong and varied but I would hope we would allow other voices to be heard and in their own language.
        Just my opinion for what its worth.
        Feel free not to adopt it.
        I look forward to interacting with you in future nonetheless.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Hi NA

        I am glad you didn’t take offence about my paranoia regarding the motives behind some posters (not only you) – especially as I explained at the time how I recognised I’d been triggered because of those exact thoughts and would be taking some time out to have a word with myself!

        Nor was i putting my boundaries on Dr HQ, if that’s what you mean, but I can see how it may have been interpreted that way.

        I want to stand up for myself here and feel confident enough to do so as I don’t think I did anything wrong, unless voicing my opinion is considered wrong but it can’t be because that would be contradictory wouldn’t it.

        In answering you I wonder if because of the abuse I experienced, the invalidation and denial of me as an individual has got me now off-balance as I’m learning to speak up for myself again even though it’s not necessary for me to do so in all situations. A bit like being on a bike with stabilisers again even though I know how to ride it without them.

        I’m not even sure why I chose to join in the discussion now….it’s of no consequence to me what language anyone else uses and if I’m that offended I can simply stop visiting HGs site.

        It was a combination of surprise at my feeling so strongly about Dr HQs manner (not judging you here Dr, just explaining my position) and wanting to voice it, plus the post from Curious which resonated with me about her not seeming like any psychologists I’d ever heard either.

        What I am realising also is that my ‘paranoia’ regarding this site was probably a red flag linked to my gut instinct because there is obviously control over how conversations are moderated and the timing of each post in order to perhaps draw out a certain line of discussion. I think my paranoia was actually naivety so I have a different set of specs on now and am trying to get the right prescription…..I watch, read and learn.

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      9. You are always welcome to express your opinions VFH. There is no timing with regard to the comments. It is very simple. The 5 rules works against such behaviour. Furthermore, because I get hundreds of communications each day across various platforms, I attend to them as and when I am able to do so. Thus there may a two hour slot when I am sat at the computer moderating and allowing comments through as they come and working through the ever present backlog. Sometimes I dip in for fifteen minutes and allow the more straight forward posts through, then I am about other matters and return a few hours later for another 15 minutes. Ideally I would be able to dedicate the entire day or evening to keeping on top of the posts and putting them through promptly, addressing the observations and answering the multitude of questions, but a narc needs his fuel you know! I hope this assists with your understanding.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Hi VFH
        I know it is hard to read someone in print, but I wanted to assure you there was no anger toward you in my post at all. We could have had that chat over tea. I was genuine in saying Im glad you voiced your opinion. It is here that many people are able to do that for the first time regarding this subject or any other for that matter. In fact I dont believe you can heal until you do (not you specifically). you voiced your opinion of Dr HQ and I was involved in conversation with her so therefore by extension me as well. Im sure there were others who may not have been comfortable with the topic or language just as I am not always, but I learn,and if its disturbing or triggering (thats never happened to me) as you point out- I can leave the thread. I am glad however that you addressed it directly instead of going all around it. I appreciate direct rather than skating all around. That is what I consider to be circular and unnecessary-we are adults here not children , so I expect that of both the subject manner and of those involved in it. Again, I am glad you are now comfortable enough to stand up for yourself, are voicing your opinions, and are exercising tolerance of others doing the same.

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      11. Thank you NA, I appreciate you taking the time to reassure me of that and I hadn’t picked up on any anger in your reply either so we’re all good.

        I feel a bit childish saying it but this exchange with you has been refreshing! We both aired our views, voiced our difference of opinion, put it to and fro, acknowledged it all and were keen to make sure no offence had been taken on either side. A virtual cup of tea has been had.

        I am pleased I voiced my opinion too although as I said earlier I’m not really sure why I did apart from perhaps subconsciously wanting to dip my toe in the water and trying it out….

        I have realised a lot of things about myself since discovering this site, it really is a many layered thing isn’t it?

        I didn’t realise it until now but I must have been under the influence of a narc before my ex husband because I definitely had repressed anger before he came along and my lack of personal boundaries stem from somewhere other than him – he just latched onto them and his abuse magnified it all – I just haven’t worked out where yet. Up until recently I shied away from voicing my opinion and I think this is because I expect it to result in confrontation….if I did enter into discussion over the years this assumption meant most of the time I’d have my defences up and be in attack mode already.

        In having my children, knowing I need to help them grow into healthy respectful individuals and also recovering from my abusive ex, understanding I can only control myself and my reactions, has enabled me to feel much more relaxed about raising ‘difficult’ issues and also in voicing my own opinion because if someone gets antsy about it, despite any efforts made by me to allay that, then I am safe in the knowledge it’s a reflection of them and their insecurity, not mine. My ex would have said this is typical of me because I’m so ‘up myself’ but I’m pretty sure I’m not.

        I know this will fluff HG but hey he deserves it as i feel he has definitely created something pretty damn marvellous here. I’m all for acknowledging someone’s good points never mind what else goes on and even if his motives aren’t altruistic.

        The other blogs I’ve come across were useful in the beginning because it gave a name to what I’d experienced and showed me I was not alone. They were all about narc bashing though and whilst I don’t condone ANY of the behavioural traits that leave such carnage in their wake, there was definitely no room for self discovery in those forums. Not that I found anyway.

        Anyway. I’ve gone off on one again so will leave it there. But I feel rather full of bonhomie this evening so thank you very much to those who have contributed to that.

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      12. BIG virtual hug to you HG. Even if you are standing with your arms down by your sides pretending it’s not happening.

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      13. VFH,

        For the record I would not use vag and hole in a session with a client. You can be fun and professional without being inappropriate in a session. Here I am unedited because i am anonymous and I am simply being me and in a support group. I never had any intent to offend you so I apologize if my words made you uncomfortable but to be honest with you find it judgmental.

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      14. Dr HQ, no need at all to apologise you have every right to speak as you wish. I didn’t want to come across as judgmental and am sorry if I did, I tried to pre-empt that assumption but appreciate it could be viewed as judgmental simply by virtue of expressing my personal opinion in the first place.

        I didn’t think you’d use those words in session (would hope not anyway but again, this is personal choice) and didn’t suggest you did – it was more the way you were talking being an overtone of how you would be in general. Because that’s how we are unless we have a fake public persona which is, as I said more in line with narcissism than empathy. I did not suggest you’d literally be exactly like that and speaking those exact words as NA seems in some degree to have interpreted it (to paraphrase; not whipping out a crop or discussing abuse whilst in the workplace etc.)

        So, I did not intend to invalidate your style or opinion – they are your own and you are entitled to it. As i am to mine. We should indeed feel free to voice this without restraint or predjudice, which is what I wanted to do also.

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      15. People should be able to express themselves especially….ESPECIALLY when one is anonymous.

        I will freely express myself the way I want to.

        I encourage other people to do the same.

        I did not attack or say something insensitive – if anything I was in your face kind of vulgar.

        I am me you love it or you hate it.

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      16. HG: Are you very orderly? Does everything have to be very neat, and perfect looking?
        How do you control your help, how do you know she is not looking through your things, and also that she does her job properly, like, not using the toilet sponge for the dishes?

        Like

      17. My exnarc hated it when anything was not in its place, too, he always put my shoes away and my keys, so I always to look for them, and I once forgot my car keys because they were on his key board, … and my house keys were in my car. 4 hours away from him.

        I recently hired a help, because I thought it was a good idea (because I am the opposite of you, of course, rather chaotic), and he was great, everything fine – until, when I paid him, he asked if he could clean in his string tanga next time (he was fat and had grey hair).

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      18. Hi VFH…your post was how i felt about Dr Harleens posts initially in respect to them being a psychologist. That said, i dont know this psychologist and their background. We are anonymous here so its easier to let go and be ourselves completely. Im sure the psychologists ive seen have had personal experiences that would surprise me. As long as it doesnt enter sessions with their patients and stays professional thats whats important. No i dont think we are in public who we are in private always. Ill be the first to admit that. I consider myself a good person but far from perfect. We all have our share of secrets and experiences so im not one to judge. I appreciate Dr Harleens replies to my comments and do find them humorous but then my sense of humors a bit twisted lol πŸ˜‚

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    3. I act all “psychologist-like” when the situation calls for it lol.

      In session I assess who I am dealing with and shape my approach accordingly.

      Self-disclosure is useful when appropriate, moderate, and done to help the client not to fulfill your own needs.

      Here …I am no ones psychologist…

      Like

  12. Ms Brown
    Funny that. You seemed quite invested. Why would you not directly voice your concern? This is the place to do it.

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      1. Ms Brown
        Indeed it is lost when its not required and making a puzzle of nothing when you could speak as an adult to voice your concern. Repeatedly directing people to an article about porn that they are familiar with it without reason is not subtle, its ridiculous.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Ms Brown
        Still stewing on this are you? I’ll put it to bed for you. We had no interest in the topic you were directing us to much less stay on it. And that does also not address the core problem of you trying to be clever and coy instead of direct. Maybe thats how you do it on your fish blog with the mermaids but this blog is for real people. Adults who are direct and who do not repeatedly push and implore others to push information in a direction that it is not wanted, and who identified that (and thanked you btw). And still you persisted in a feeble attempt to control the flow of conversation or change the topic. Thankfully there is a big bad Narc here in charge that is more reasonable to deal with. You can keep on with this but you just look foolish as it was not your conversation to control. Oh…..did you hear that? It was either a Beluga calling you back to your blog or the sound of you blowing it out of your ass. Oh I know youre classier than that and I bet your Narc just loved that about you, but pearls or no pearls you landed in the narc gutter all the same.

        HG
        I will respond no longer to save you from moderating this nonsense. Thank you for your patience.

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      3. Projecting, are we now?
        Fact: your long drawn out posts are irrelevant to #8 Truths
        Circular NA banter
        I kept it as simple for you as I could, to no avail
        Big Bad Narc posted the “redirection”, at my request, but you missed that too…
        I agree, you don’t get “subtle”

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      4. NA and ms brown, if i may interject here. When i didn’t know NA at first, i found her comments incorrect and hurtful. In fact, it gave me a panic attack as i am v v sensitive. And i retaliated in an incorrect manner. But by reading her other posts i came to realize she has gone thru her own trauma, and is trying to help pple open their eyes. She is very direct, but that’s because she had to grow up with a narc step dad and learned to be that way. I have come to appreciate her no-nonsense nature. She injects humour as well, which is welcome now by me at least, being on this blog for 9 mos now. She approaches topics directly, but once you understand her, you may appreciate her. Pls open your heart πŸ’—. She is almost innocently child-like and therefore expresses anger regarding some issues (imo) so pls give her some slack. It is just my opinion. She may disagree with me. Feel free to take it as you will. Peace to you both.

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      5. Jenna
        Thank you for your pure of heart intention. You understand now that I did not intend to hurt you then or now, but not everyone understands or appreciates my style of interaction or contribution and thats ok. Love me or hate me-no matter. Imma still be me.

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      6. no apologies and don’t care for intellectual defective individuals that are all words with no vocabulary. i find it rude and I would not tolerate it on my own blog… I have found that those that say the least, have the most knowledge, sting the hardest, and in a stealth manner. One word can be effective as a hundred….

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      7. Great advice if youre trying to sting someone in a stealth manner. Not sure why you think that to be a good goal, but thank you.

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  13. I have come to find that I have a love me or hate me kind of personality. This is especially true for me among other mental health professionals. It is hard for me at times to “fit in” lol.

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      1. I respect your attitude – you’re awesome. I felt like sharing lol.

        I personally thank you for being so blunt and open because it has personally helped me and provides me with insight.

        It’s hilarious how I have to be placed in a box and act in a certain way all the damn time…

        I’m allowed to be a person and I will not let people dictate to me how I must behave in my personal life on an anonymous forum.

        I will NEVER be told how I should behave EVER. (I’m sure you understand this lol)

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      2. DR Q
        Thank you, and share whenever you like. We are all people first and not what we do for a living. There are influences in our lives, but I concur that no one should dictate your behaviour. Isnt that why most of us are here in the first place?

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      1. Thank you πŸ˜€

        I’m glad I added a little extra life to the party lol!

        People will see I behave in a more professional manner when relaying information on the blog and that switches from professional Dr. HQ to unfiltered raw and real most of the time goofy Dr. HQ lol.

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  14. I believe that people just want to be spoken to like people. It doesn’t matter that I have a PsyD…I mess up…I have my own issues I can readily admit that. I am not ashamed of them. I share pieces of my life to clients and students that are relevant and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem I have is that a lot of the mental health professionals I encounter have a very condescending attitude and tell people who to live their lives.

    I recognize the things I have been speaking about are a bit taboo but I mean this is the perfect opportunity to discuss them openly and learn.

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  15. For the record. It would be unethical to to give therapy or diagnose/assess someone via this kind of medium. Ethically speaking information on this kind of platform should be more informational. I therefore am operating within ethical guidelines. I am not here to assess or give therapy to anyone. I am also not misrepresenting myself. I am an anonymous female who has a PsyD who had some unfortunate experiences with narcissists and psychopaths (lower functioning of course)

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  16. HG
    For clarification purposes, did you post the link to Porn Supremacy to redirect Dr HQ and I to another thread or to demonstrate that our conversation was off topic and that people are not to stray from the topic posted? I would like this to be clear for any future posts and will certainly consider this if more than one person or more importantly, you have issue with either the content of our conversation or where it was being held.
    Sincerely,
    NA

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      1. HG
        Well that puts the background noise to rest. Thank you very much. May your evening be well fuelled, with levels topped higher than my amusement right now (if thats at all possible lol).

        Liked by 1 person

  17. I can’t read all of this although I am sure it’s helpful to some. Scrolled through most of it. Happy to say I’m much better off than I thought. What brought me to HG in the first place was researching how to tell if someone is lying. I didn’t have a tightly controlled relationship by a narc to escape from but did have a broken heart I needed fixed. I wouldn’t trade what I’ve learned here about his confusing behavior for 7 years. I am not ceasing from reading all HG offers but don’t need much of it anymore. Blessings to all of you.

    Like

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