Unbelievable (And How To Tackle It)



My kind savage your heart. We pollute your mind. We ravage your soul. One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behaviour is found at every stage of your entanglement.

  1. Seduction

It is unbelievable just how amazing our love for you is when you are being love-bombed, it is unbelievable but you will not reject it because it feels so wonderful, so uplifting and so joyous. It is then unbelievable later that someone who loved you in such a way could suddenly stop doing so. Even later, you still find it unbelievable that it was fake. Surely we did love you? Surely we had those feelings for you? It is unbelievable that we could not have done. Do you see how this lack of believability can twist and turn, morphing into a new angle, yet remaining in place to confuse and puzzle you?

  1. Devaluation

It is unbelievable that somebody can turn to quickly from being loving to being awful. It is unbelievable that a person can behave in such a way towards somebody who they say that they love. It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for. It is unbelievable that this behaviour could last for as long as it did. It is unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and see what they are doing is wrong. It is unbelievable that they cannot be helped.

  1. Discard

It is unbelievable that someone can just vanish like that. It is unbelievable that someone can move on to someone else in the blink of an eye. It is unbelievable that the new target cannot see what is really happening. It is unbelievable that the new victim won’t accept what you tell them about us. It is unbelievable how we ignore you, refuse to speak to you and treat you like we never knew you after everything that has been said and done. It is unbelievable that you have been treated like this after everything that you did. It is unbelievable that he is saying so many lies and hurtful things to other people about you.

  1. The Post Discard Hoover

It is unbelievable that someone can just waltz back into your life like nothing has happened and carry on as normal. It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. It is unbelievable just how much you miss this person. It is unbelievable how he has said all those horrible things to other people and then brushes it to one side.

It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.

So many unbelievable matters and what is the cumulative effect of all this? You are bewildered, unable to comprehend what has happened, unable to make sense of it all and you are left a whirlpool of emotions. You are dizzy, disorientated and unable to pick a path to stick to in order to reach safety. You can be picked off again with ease by our kind.

To add to the sheer unbelievable nature of what you have endured is the fact that so few people can actually understand what has happened either. They may have been brainwashed by us, they may just not want to get involved or they just cannot understand how somebody can behave like that and think you are either exaggerating or they are so stunned they cannot offer you any practical assistance. The power of this lack of believability and the effect of disbelief are substantial and they act as double hammer blows against your recovery.

How do you tackle the sheer scale of disbelief from both you and those around you?

  1. Understand what you have been entangled with. Really understand.
  2. Understand that our kind operate in a different reality to you.
  3. Avoid over analysis of our motives. Until you grasp points one and two, such analysis is futile and detrimental.
  4. Do you really need so many people to believe you? Are you not propounding the pain by repeatedly explaining it to people who are unwilling or unable to help? Don’t approach this in a scattergun manner.
  5. Don’t seek answers from us. You won’t get them. Ever.
  6. Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
  7. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
  8. Read, read and read so you understand.
  9. Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.
  10. Use independent evidence, not just your say so, to support your position and break down disbelief.
  11. Accept some people will always be on our side. Don’t waste time trying to persuade them. You are not going to convince them.
  12. Don’t waste time trying to tell the world at large about how awful we are. You may want everyone to know but this is a futile exercise. We have already smeared you and you are just paying into our hands.
  13. Don’t bother attacking our façade unless you have the energy and credible independent exercise. You will use up valuable energy trying to tackle a wall that believes us and not you.
  14. Many people experience our kind but few people understand that they have done so. It is hard trying to persuade people that they have encountered a narcissist. We make it that way.
  15. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.

164 thoughts on “Unbelievable (And How To Tackle It)”

  1. Bravo, excellent from beginning to end!! This is what every survivor needs to focus on first and foremost! Love it! I really like your focus on the victims needs and validating their experience, because they are so often doubted.

  2. I just freaking love you, hg. You have literally martyred yourself to help stupid women like me. I have even come to the conclusion that my own son is a narcissist. If not for you offering your insight, I would still be stuck crying and wringing my hands wondering what I could do to help them. You have set me free. I am so empowered now. God bless you tenfold forever. I love you, man.

    1. He’s “martyred” himself on these blogs? You needed HG to grant you the power to be free? Uhh.. The level of Stockholm Syndrome infused words in these comment sections is often nauseating. Get a grip, my fellow empaths! This guy is providing us with exceedingly helpful information which we desperately need to hear, yes, but he’s doing so for self-serving reasons. And don’t forget that he has crushed the souls of countless people in his life – he’s broken them all *at their core* – and he doesn’t care one bit. He ain’t no Messiah. Save your empathy for the people who warrant it. And please work on developing your codependent selves, ok? Not referring to yourself as “stupid” would be a start.

      1. High Octane Fuel,
        I agree with what you wrote your post. Regardless of how HG obtains his information, the content is still very accurate. As I have stated a few times before on this blog, it is none the less, a business. He is making money by doing this. He has stated repeatedly that his motive for conveying this information is not because he cares. No matter how it started out, or what he has told us about his life isn’t what we need to focus on (I am guilty of this myself). It all my be true or just a made up story to very creatively guide people into understanding what these types of people are like. We don’t know do we? He chooses what he wants us to know about his life. He seems sincere to me but we’ll never really know unless he chooses to revel himself. I find this blog to be informative and entertaining.
        Martyred is not the word to be used though. In defense of Cc, I can understand how someone can get very excited when discovering this information. It is like none other that I have come across and when you are going through very painful emotional situations, it is a HUGE relief.

        But your right H.O.F., we sometimes need to slow our roll and think about what words we choose to use :).

  3. Just read a post by someone on FB about how people need to understand that when your “time is up with someone, don’t go looking for them.” As if… as if we mattered and this is just some Zen thing where we need to accept that some people come and go in our lives and that if we DO go looking for them, it is because we can’t accept this factual part of life. Our time was up. Riggggght…. Problem is, everything we did WITH our time and them was a fabricated lie so this is why these little jingles are discouraging to read. We went looking but not beacause we are week and/or we didn’t accept the ebb and flow of life. Our time (money, live, childbrearing years, etc) with someone was compltely fabricated, manipulated, a lie, a con and we go looking because of our confusion, our bewildernment, or pain, our sense that we have been ‘raped’. I put in quotes to not diminsh the actual physical experience of that but it is a rape of our soul and totally gutting. Nothing to do with ‘time is up’. We were someone’s food and they gobbled us up. Anyone would eventually go looking for the things that we felt were stolen, both real and metaphorial.

    Add this to the list of articles you will never read in women’s magazines about how to get over a man and move on. No bright lipstick, new outfit, sexy haircut or anything like that fixes this level of abuse.

    1. Right on sister!! LOL…. I totally agree. I do have one lipstick, however that might do the trick… (It’s made from the same potion in the caldron that the poison apple was made from in Snow White ;), only a little stronger )

    2. Yes, on so many levels. This is truly a golden checklist to maintain a level of sanity. The majority of articles in magazines regarding relationships just perpetuate the cycle of abuse and will keep women in relationships longer trying to rationalize away why “they are pushing their man away” and how to “keep him ignited for you”.

      1. I know. When I think back how in need of guidance I was as a young woman, with no one to talk to, I thought those magazines had some wisdom that I just wasn’t getting. Rarely did they ever talk about abuse, manipulation, and all of that. And it kept me in one other relationship way too long trying to match my experience to all that ‘wisdom’. It wasn’t until I found a book on Verbal Abuse did it all start to make sense

      2. Lol MLA if I had invested all the money I spent on “relationship saving” books I’d be a fucking millionaire!! It’s criminal imho how those companies target women like us.

      3. Seriously! If you’re single, you’re targeted. How about for years, hearing about that book, “The Rules”? I read one chapter, put it down and never went back. It basically instructed how to be a complete bitch and always be aloof.
        But so many relationship books advise the women on being able to give space in order to not come across clingy or suffocating.
        You may appreciate this. My former mother-in-law was an elementary teacher and eventually a principal at a school. At one of the smaller, rural schools she was in, they were cleaning out storage boxes in a classroom closet and came upon a box of Home Economics books circa 1960’s. There was actually a chapter instructing girls how to be wives to their husbands with instructions as follows:
        1. Your husband has worked hard all day dealing with important people and in meetings or managing products. Do not run appliances like the washer / dryer or vacuum when he comes home at night. He deserves a quiet home at night to have some peace.
        The best was,
        2. Always put some lipstick on and pinch your cheeks to look rosy to show your husband you care about your appearance pleasing him.

        Why is it men have never been schooled to run and bring us Advil, chocolate Krispy Kremes and a heating pad on our worst day of the month? To show they care about pleasing us?

      4. Absolutely. If you renamed your book “Exorcism” to “The New Rules for Breakups”, it would probably fly off of The Barnes and Noble bookshelves. Lol
        Nothing like it in the self help aisles and I honestly think so much in that book can help a person through any hard break-up. (Not just the narcissistic dynamic). I even have that in my Amazon review.

      5. Couldn’t agree more Clarece. All HG’s books should be in the ‘self help’ section.

      6. HG could then replace Dr. Phil and everyone already loves his voice…just sayin’. lol

      7. Better still we’ll introduce a new ‘special’ birthday….say at maybe age 12. Forget the key to the door at 21, at 12 you are presented HG’s mannual of how to treat and be treated or more specifically how to not allow yourself to be treated.
        A new rite of passage.
        I would definitely buy into this for my son.

      8. Let’s “land our boy” straight in the shopping windows, “No Contact” towering all the competitors, perched on a little gold stand, over a layer of thick blood red velvet…

      9. Haha! I found a box in my grandmother’s attic with books she was given upon marrying my grandfather. The advice on being a wife and mother was shocking. Trouble conceiving was blamed on the woman, who must surely be sneaking around drinking or smoking, or otherwise undermining her husband’s efforts to provide for a good home and build a family.

  4. And I learned from you, HG that it’s a lot easier for us if we act nonchalant after the smear. When friends and family approached me about him & the things he’d said about me – I’d just say “aw, he’s really a nice guy – but, it just didn’t work out for us.” Then I’d sigh and say. “Life goes on” – and then smile sadly.
    That seemed to undermine the smearing because they couldn’t understand what he was going on about calling me names, and saying I was pyscho, etc. It just made him look ridiculous and overly dramatic.
    And friends/family don’t want to get in the middle of anything (as your writings made clear) so that was an easy way to handle the aftermath of my Mid-Range. No one even bothers to mention him to me anymore now. I doubt if they ever think about him.

  5. Thank you for this, HG.

    I’ve taken screenshots of the recovery steps and placed them in my own private wank bank folder. Is it ok if I give the credit to Montedewallydahonk, so every time I refer back to them, it will give me a giggle?

  6. You have helped me more than anybody else. You are keeping me sane. I see the irony in this…but I still thank you…

  7. Excellent! Especially the advice for moving on after an encounter with a Narcissist. I wish I had read this when I was initially discarded. Thank you HG!

  8. After one year it is all still UNBELIEVABLE to me.
    The feelings, the emotions, the triggers, the memories, and seeing how I have changed forever.
    But I did make it this far and it’s because of HG and this blog.

    I always love reading this article and to all the new readers please take the advice that HG gives at the end of the article. It’s the best you will get from anyone. No one else will be able to understand or give you the answers like he does.

    1. I thought, too, I was changed forever. Alot of things did change but so many things changed for the better. It felt like eternal hell and because of that, it felt like what he said, that I was doing it to mysefl, hurting myself and more. But I stayed with it all and I know that many parts of my life are now better than ever was before. It never seemed possible at the time. I didn’t think I would ever get past this or ever stop thinking of him so much. Hang in there…

      1. Thanks Sarabella,
        I know from reading many of your posts that you have been through hell and I’m glad that things are better for you. It takes time, a lot of work, and patience with yourself to know that you aren’t crazy.
        I wish you continued progress.

      2. The hardest was that this narc triggered the reality of what my life was like and why. It was alot to take on. He was very very cruel. It was the perfect set up. Never imagined he would ever repeat how he treated me once before decades ago and that time was very painful but this time, I understood more wht. Just who could ever imagine so carelessly hurting someonr again on purpose? Didn’t seem possible. And so something about it really brought up my mother stuff so for the first time, I really saw her for who she is and always was. Hard still to see the reality and bit blame myself. But where that narc is concerned, he is gone for good this time. And I am finally ok with what he did to me without it ripping my heart to shreds. It took so so much to get here. Now I move on and fold this in to my life experience. I sure wanted one thing he said to have been true but I am finally feeling normal again. Thank you…

      3. Hi Sarabella!
        I am glad he is gone for good and it’s very hard when you are wanting to believe in that one thing that could be real. I still struggle with that and it’s one of the biggest triggers for me in my daily life.
        What’s REAL versus what’s FAKE
        It’s a terrible feeling.

        Everyone has there own timeline. I’m happy to hear that some normal is coming back to you. Best luck to you.

      4. Thank you… sometimes I feel the reality of how crazy I became and it makes me sad. But then I was the one lied to. I was the one tricked, why should I feel sad about my behavior when his was so awful and he lost no sleep over it. But still. Some discards are truly for good, especially when a victim has eroded anything the narc might stand on anymore. It still seems so darn odd. And I wonder how I am one of the few it seems who has unfriended him and cut ties. See.s everyone else manages to stay connected to him. Makes me feel at times even more responsible for it all. If I hadn’t gotten so reactive, maybe we would have stayed friends but there must be reasons it just could never happen on my part. But it only adds to the strangeness that this happened to me. If I couldn’t directly name 3 lies he told, lies had he not said them, I would never have let my guard down, I would think I really was crazy. And then for it to take so long to get to this point.

        Hmmm thats a question HG… what is the shortest ‘relationship’ you were in before a victim starting displaying symptoms of the abuse? Seems hard to believe it got so crazy for such a relatively short period of interactions. But I swear, it felt like we dated, married, and divorced all in a matter of 6 months. And pain on the level that woulf come with a divorce. Seems given how little we were ‘involved’ it only adds to the self-recrimination around my behaviors. I will have to live with that I guess.

    2. Snow White a whole year what an inspiration!
      To me ….It’s like being told the person you loved so dearly was actually an alien from Mars. It’s that outlandish and scary! And then forcing yourself to believe it for your own sanity and survival. Unbelievable indeed!
      I’m an educated empowered believer thanks to HG.
      I want to be Narc free for a year just like you ! 🙏💙

      1. Thanks Shantily!!!!
        It’s been a long year and if I survived I know all of us can.
        YOU WILL GET THERE!!!!
        I spent many many days not moving from the couch and crying. The only thing I did was read this blog. It was the best thing I did.
        It is a heartbreaking experience for sure and it compares to nothing else and then when no one else understands that’s like a second punch.
        Hope to see you around for awhile

    3. Hi Snow! I’m glad you’re still around. I think our timelines for coming out of this runs close although I was dabbling contact with mine to test out things that HG would say. Agreed that HG’s advice is truly what put logic back into the situation to start healing.

      And for us, I think we also have amazing daughters that kept us anchored and checked into every day life to function!!

      1. Hello Clarece!!!
        Awwww…. I do miss everyone when I can’t keep up with the blog.
        I had to step away for a few weeks because I got so emotional with the one year anniversaries. And then I had high school activities. Lol
        Then my daughter moved back from college for the summer.

        Thank goodness for our daughters.
        I ask mine a million questions every day. I need her to tell me if things are what I think they are or if they mean something else. I admire her brutal honesty and assertiveness. She doesn’t take any crap. Lol… and I’m sure yours doesn’t either. They both will be able to the spot all the narcs and the manipulative people out there.

        Hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day!
        Anything good planned?

      2. Happy Mother’s Day!
        I took my daughter and her bestie to the movies, out for pizza and now they’re having a “slime” party. If you noticed all the grocery stores selling glue, food coloring and saline by the checkouts, it’s because making homemade slime is the latest craze. You probably know being a teacher yourself. Lol
        #thatmomlifetho #nothingbetter

      3. LOL Clarece!!!!
        That sounds like a blast.
        I’m glad that you had such a good day!
        The kids enjoy that stuff soo much.

      4. I’m sure Love could mix up some masculine scented oils to make it a nice experience for you to dive in too…

      5. Well then, even better if it can be a tub for two in slime with you. I think you have your prize for your next contest at 5 million hits. Lol

      6. I realized boys will be boys, and even our HG could not resist wanting to play with slime if given the chance… Lol

      7. LOL!!!
        Well anything that has glitter involved, I’m in. I come home covered in it many days. I hand the glitter over to the kids at let them go. Lol
        I love to see kids creative and using their brains.
        And tell your daughter to get working.
        She has a job to do for HG.

        No plotting in the slime bath HG.
        A place for relaxing your brain.

      8. Mla …oh no not your daughter too(slime)? 😂 I have 20 containers of different slime all over. Its quite the craze. Shes mixing shaving cream into it, hand soap, hand sanitizers, my hand creams which went missing lol Glue all over the table i cant escape it! I blame u tube diy videos!

      9. Curious, hahah, you described my house. concoctions everywhere and lots of science experiments. And yes, YouTube videos. So much that my daughter makes her own. They are hysterical. Not uploaded but she makes instructional cooking videos. Her narratives are really funny.

      10. Seriously! The best is when she makes glitter slime. It’s like I should add Tinkerbell as a dependent on my taxes since it stays everywhere…lol I actually love it though. And I love that she is being creative and not just addicted to her phone or iPad. I’ve created a whole area with a built-in desk that is her own “crafting corner” where she paints and does her projects and has her art all over the wall.
        Too funny though! I’m glad there’s another “Slime Mom” in the mix!!

      11. Clarece

        Yes, glitter slime and my daughter wonders why one day, I had glitter all over my face?! Ah, I dunno, glitter is floating everywhere in our house?! Meebee? ! lol

      12. It’s like the Bubba Gump slime collection. Slime with clear glue, white glue, shampoo, lotion, saline, marshmallows (oh that was a fun microwave clean-up), glitter, shaving cream, borax, dish soap.
        All different colors, all different textures. #lifeandtimesofaslimemom

      13. It’s interesting how you are really drawn to these slime comments. I think we should explore that more… lol

      14. Oh, that marshmallow thing isn’t just her then? LOL Its definitely YouTube as when she does her little tutorials, she even has “challenges” and makes remarks about “if you agree, type in the comments” type thing! They are really funny. “tasty treats” is what she often calls them. And then all the versions of slime. Toothpaste was one of them! lol I try not to react, but sometimes…. its a real mess lol.

  9. It is unbelievable no one knows about narcissism until it’s too late (and if you’re lucky to find this site!)

    It is unbelievable how HG never sleeps and posts comments at 1.30am 😨

  10. It’s unbelievable that I gave in to his hoovers and went back with a cold heart and a clear mind. It’s unbelievable that he knows that I know and still wanted me back. It’s unbelievable that the games are still being played. It’s unbelievable that he can not hurt me any more. It’s just unbelievable even if it will only last for another day…

  11. Yes to all. I understand it all, I agree and I have him pictured in my mind with a red outline all around him and an arrow pointing at him that says “you shall not cross this line”.
    But I still can’t believe how could such kind exhist.
    I can understand that awful actions can be done. What I don’t understand all together, completly, totally, is how can someone go on devouring people like that without remorse nor problems.
    There are few missing pieces to this picture. It isn’t all here.
    The real motives are missing. Fuel is not a motive, fuel is what keeps them going. There are no motives as of now, nothing that can explain this.
    That is unbelievable.

      1. I don’t mean to contradict, what I mean is to define the concept of your fuel. Because we all need energy to function but you look for a specific type, the one that gives you power. That’s the good fuel. So, would it be correct to say that your final goal is to achieve power?
        And if power is your ultimate goal, what is it that you must exorcise with it? what fear is going on inside you that’s so powerful, so strong, that you must sacrifice your human nature to it, as if you could not afford the full spectrum of being human?
        You must be powerful because you refuse to be weak. You must lead because you refuse to be led. You must be in charge because you refuse to be guided. You don’t trust someone else’s guide, you don’t trust someone elses’s lead. You don’t trust anyone on anything.
        And if you don’t, than you must only trust yourself and the only way not to let yourself down is to have complete power over everything that’s around you and that has ever been around you. Because even the idea of having lost power over someone that you don’t even see anymore and you never cared about makes you doubt yourself. And you can’t afford it.
        With all due respect and untarnished admiration and gratefulness.

      2. Giulia

        i have my version of ” fuel”
        See all the images of fuel have looking like flames… ??
        The fuel riceived from us it is turned into actual combustible hell-fire-flames, the narcs have to live in the fuel of hell… and his aim is to drag us there with him.
        I wish i could explain it better..
        but i am so tired.. i am going to sleep..
        i have been ignited today and yesterday so he could have his fuel to keep the hell-fire burning…

    1. Yes, there is a lot missing here, and not many will ask the question why this is the way it is. Most people here don’t accept HG’s explanation with full seriousness like they would a psychologist or a scientist. They think they are just musings of a narcissist.
      I’m not accepting this reality just because this is so. There is a reason, there must be a reason. And there is.
      The key to understanding narcissism is in our evolutionary history, in the role of emotions, and our genome.
      A narcissist can only be diagnosed by a DNA test, not an evaluation by a psychologist. There is a missing DNA string missing responsible for printing positive emotion proteins in their brains.
      In the future, a narcissist will go to his genome doctor with his genome chart sequenced, and will then be directed to gene therapy, which will fix the missing sequence, and the narcsissist will start to feel all our emotions, and cease to be a narcissist.
      And that’s very believable.

      1. emotion detective,

        Could the rewiring of the brain circuitry due to child abuse be considered as a possible explanation for this phenomenon? Envy and jealousy are anathema to me. I can’t feel them at all and I think that has more to do with my history of child abuse than missing DNA.

        Food for thought: If I were trying to catch a serial killer, I would hire a serial killer to teach me how to catch him.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD,

        You are correct. It is nature and nurture. And I agree with all your posts.
        Thank you, I value your input.

      3. Where in all this would people with addictions fall? The alcoholic or cross over addict whom is also narc behavior? Is it the addiction or the behavior? The chicken or the egg if you will or I could be oversimplifing the issue.

      4. I’ll get back to you on this later, I promise. Thanks for this question, I have something to share with you.

      5. I gave Giulia this information for her to stop being afraid. He’s not evil, or a monster, there’s nothing to be afraid of. He’s human like everyone else, he just has a little different DNA out of sequence.
        We live in a consequential, logical universe, where everything has an explanation, and a reason.

      6. Addiction is comorbid (co-occurring) with many disorders. These range from mood disorders to personality disorders and other psychiatric disorders. Keep in mind that there is a nice chunk of narcissism in all cluster b personality disorders.

      7. Narcissism is seen co-occurring with sex addiction, alcohol and substances – especially cocaine.

      8. Emotion detective

        yeah.. a very important missing part of their brain and soul..
        however, we would have a very hard time trying to help the narcs to
        re- posses all that..
        because who is qualified enough to discend into hell withouth being spotted , and steal back all those brains- souls from Satan???
        As for me, i am a fool to even think that i am half way in doing

      9. well, the people we call narcissists were never really narcissists, so they won’t re-posses something they never had, but there is hope in curing the condition via genetic therapy in the future – studies are being done on this as we speak..

      10. EMotional detective,

        I have no idea where you are getting/misinterpreting/inventing this information from but it’s getting quite annoying.

        I will continue to correct whatever you post because this has gotten ridiculous.

        You have not told anyone your occupation and where they can locate any piece of information you claim to be research.

      11. Emotion detective
        and doctor Harleen

        your beliefs are totally different from mine.
        I believe that behavioural and personalities disorders are not only psycological but spiritual..

      1. Sometimes I use my head, sometimes I definitely don’t, sometimes I over use it. It is nevertheless my favourite choice of messing with the world. Thinking doesn’t cost anything and can take you where you want to go, most of the times.
        I am not at rest, right now. I haven’t been for some time. Still fighting…

        “thinking is my fighting” ….Virginia Woolf.

      2. DJ

        Yes the FUEL to keep the flames of hell burning..
        and their master Satan satisfied…

  12. It is unbelievable that our positive input: love, understanding, desire for intimacy, friendship and connection is a) cognitively grasped “right”:. the narc understands it to be a manifestation of empath’s love but b) wrongly experienced emotionally: the narc objectifies and reduces it to merely positive fuel, negative fuel or criticism, it never feels as real love to him.
    It is unbelievable that the narc’s negative input: abuse, silent treatments, indifference is a) (post education) cognitively grasped “right”: the empath understands it to be a manifestation of the narcs’ inability to love but b) wrongly experienced emotionally : the empath secretly hopes that a change can occur, that he had made a mark (“I hope one day he”ll understand what he lost), as hurt (“he’s happy with someone else”).
    In that sense, the similarity is unbelievable.

      1. Wrong. We feel emotions. Hate, fury, envy, antipathy, jealousy, frustration are some of them. We have a limited emotional repertoire but we are not emotionless.

      2. We’ve been over this, HG already.
        These are not emotions I refer to, the ones you feel are primal defense mechanisms.
        We scoop them up alongside positive emotions because there is very little research of what emotions really are, still.
        Those you named are with us for a long time. The ones you are missing appeared much later in our evolution in a different part of our brain.
        From what I’ve seen in cat scans of your brain, where we have gray matter, you have fat tissue, or white matter of some sort, which means the healthy tissue protein is not printed by DNA.
        The hate, fury, etc are located elsewhere, and we feel them as well.
        All of this means, that when our new emotions were evolving, something disrupted the evolution in 1-4% of our population.
        If you study our evolution you will find the answer to this question.

      3. They are still emotions. You stated we have no emotions. That was incorrect, you cannot state “These are not emotions I refer to, the ones you feel are primal defense mechanisms.” They may be mechanisms but they are emotions nevertheless.


        A conscious mental reaction (such as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body

        emotion detective?

      5. Yes, is is how we define emotions without having done any research on what they are.
        It is a guess rather then reality.
        Human beings live in an illusion of self created reality, not in an objective reality.
        Fear is not an emotion, although we feel it. It is an instinctive reaction created by our brain for self defense.
        Compare any ’emotions’ mentioned by HG, and compare any of them to the positive emotions we feel: love, empathy, joy, gratitude, hope, etc.
        what’s the difference? Is there any difference?

      6. I can see why you feel that way; however that is an inaccurate statement.

      7. Where did you obtain this information? Can you please direct me to the research article(s)?

      8. Hi Doc,
        Amen, Yeah, I’m getting rather frustrated by misrepresentation of current research in the psych field. It’s not ethical how ED is stating unpublished work as fact, especially when it flies in the face of current psych and bio theory of human behavior particularly for narcissists. Stating sources or foundational sources is basic procedure. Her refusing to give foundational sources is telling. I’ve worked in research and with behavioral geneticists ((coincidentally), this is totally not consistent with how info is shared. I’m open to new ideas, present foundation sources.

        I said the same you did in another post, nature-nurture and the biosocial theory. Sigh…my words fell on deaf ears. I worry about readers that come here and read it and become misled. I guess that is the nature of blogs and internet. Gonna go pet my cat and take a soak to soothe my irritation lol 😂

      9. Please do not state your oppinion as fact. It is important to provide accurate information to the public.

        To be fair you might be misinterpreting what you are reading.

      10. What is your occupation? I do not recall ever receiving an answer to this question.

      11. Indy,

        I agree with everything you said. It’s important to communicate accurate information from credible sources. If asked about where some information came from it should be easy enough to locate and prove if it were in fact in then research.

      12. Emotion detective

        Narcs do have emotions..
        with 10 years of experience i can say that they do..
        if they didn’t they wouldn’ t be alive..

      13. Well, you see therein lies the trick.. they don’t feel any positive emotions, this is why they crave fuel, which is our emotional reaction.
        Ask mr Tudor to make a list of emotions he doesn’t feel.
        He said many times, he lives in a different reality from us. It is a reality without emotions. I don’t call the primal instincts he feels, emotions.
        Emotions evolved over four millions of years in modern humans, so we lived and survived without them for a very long time.

  13. So very very true.
    I have yet to meet a person who hasn’t experienced it that understands. I doubt I ever will. That’s not their fault, it just is what it is. They are blessed in their ignorance. That’s why being here amongst other sufferers is so valuable. It feels like home.
    As for closure- the only closure will come from truly understanding and accepting and the only place to truly understand and accept is here.
    Excellent article HG.
    Thank you.

  14. 8. Read, read and read so you understand.

    Removing the emotion and focusing on the logic helped me a great deal. The golden period is disintegrating by the day and I will soon be checking out of Hotel California.

  15. “Devaluation : It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for”.


    A current (non-romantic) experience made me realise how much narcs rely on your silence! Your silence enables them to keep up their facade – and more importantly – to RE-WRITE HISTORY afterwards! Thought long and hard about how to counter that most effectively and long-lastingly.

    So, I completely ripped the narc’s facade apart in the narc’s absence, addressing those in the narc’s closest environment: those who matter, those I wanted to see the real face underneath the veneer of fake kindness… words verbatim retold as well as documents shown for proof and further insight. It was good to see the horror on their faces when the disbelief faded. And it was even better to know that they would never see the narc with the same eyes, and their relationship would be forever tainted. My kind of everpresence.

    The narc had a notion that people knew something, but both sides remained silent. I would not care if the narc knew: all I said was true and can be proved. The narc did not know the *full extent* of the revelations. I hope this will keep this person from ever straying from the truth in recollections later on, if only for the fear of getting caught in a lie!!

    Mission accomplished.

  16. Another goodie. Thank you for writing that. Your salves seem to be quite frequent these days HG…or maybe I’m just in a different frame of mind to when I first started reading your blog – I don’t think so though. Do you feel you’re writing more from a supportive perspective too? As opposed to the harder nuts and bolts ‘darker’ stuff.

    I was wondering also….our many threads thanking you and sheer visitor numbers prove that you have successfully created a one of a kind place here which was one of your aims. At what point will you decide you’ve achieved your goals – including your revenge? How will you measure those things? If you don’t mind me asking a personal question.

    1. I should have said, writing *more frequently* from a more supportive perspective. Your harder nuts and bolts posts are still the majority.

      1. HG,
        Is your aim of being the one and only source and being global in this topic only A PART of you legacy? What else is part of your legacy you are securing? Is the Grand Design connected to achieving this legacy?

  17. How do you respond when your own victims write in? What if a current target ordered a private consultation? Would you advise them all the same, to see it play out? Or manipulate in your favor? Just curious…

    1. They do not write in.
      If a current target ordered a private consultation – do you mean I am targeting them and have not yet engaged with them or I have engaged with them?

      1. “THEY DON’T WRITE IN”. I obsess:
        a) Your women are completely analphabetic (or loose all their literary skills in the aftermath).
        b) NSA (No Such Abuse. You are actually an angel)
        c) “How do you respond when your victims write in”?: see “sibling question” in “Denial of Victory”, September 2 2015
        [Q: “Your neighbour has bought a new car. It is clearly better and more expensive than yours. How do you feel?”
        A:. “That would not happen”]

      2. I should have said “victim”, because I meant someone with whom you are currently engaged. Or perhaps someone who has been discarded. Odds are, if they haven’t yet, at some point they will.

  18. Dr HQ

    Non narcs: gray matter
    Narcs: fat tissue or white matter ‘of some sort’.
    So were all walking around with Chicken McNuggets in our huge craniums?
    Seems legit.
    Thats how all the scientists are doing it now. I asked Hawking.
    Source of the research? My guess is Facebook.

    1. Exactly lol.

      Of course Facebook articles are real credible you know….??

      :: can you hear my sarcasm ::

      1. NarcAngel,

        Your comments are amusing and often make me bust out laughing!

        You are fiesty thing lmao! I’d imagine you would put up quite a fight with any narcissist lol!!!!!!

  19. It took almost 2 years to wrap my head around the fact that …being involved, never included the concept that we were two completely different functioning people. That is the narcissists greatest illusion. We were never one together …only a functional utility to serve an agenda under the false auspices of love. Unbelievable! But, that is the reality! When you remove the messages and all the thoughts that you are somehow responsible …it is then, you let go completely and harness a wisdom that will catapult your life in a healthy direction. That’s what you can believe in. It all starts with you …and the helpful words of HG! Thank you!

  20. So you write some repetitive faux intellectual bullshit as “Anthony” and then you comment “d’oh” as “Jackie” and you’re all just the same retard. How “fabulous!” says the fatass leabian version of you known as Rhema.

    You truly are a grotesque monstrosity. I want to see what you look like when all your heads come together in one body.

    1. I’m so confused right now lol! What is going on? Who are you talking about? Did I miss something?


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