Fuel Me Once

fuel-me-once

Fuel is the very thing that I must have. It is through fuel that I function and exist. I regard all emotional energy as sustenance. A lack of emotion causes me considerable concern and this will ultimately result in my detachment and me seeking the same from an alternative and more reliable source. There are those that suggest that I derive fuel from certain inanimate objects, for instance, status symbols. I drive an expensive car, wear the tailor-made suit and live in a large house and all of that apparently provides me with fuel. It is true that we covet these things as they accord with our sense of entitlement. They also enable us to demonstrate to the wider world our success and achievement. We crave such materialistic representations of success. However, my kind and I do not desire the Rolex watch, Ipad or diamond encrusted mobile telephone in themselves. We want those items because of the responses that they create in other people.

Those who see us drive by in a Bentley convertible invariably stand and stare open-mouthed. That reaction to our prestige provides us with the fuel we need. The admiring glances that we draw when we walk through the department at work in one of our excellent suits, provide us with fuel. The compliments we receive for the style of shoes, the holiday cottage we own and the extravagant party that he have laid on are all sources of fuel to us. Inanimate objects are the platforms for the provision of our fuel. Whilst some people will marvel at our choice of motor vehicle, there are others who will express jealousy and envy. Those reactions are most welcome as well. The cutting comments that accompany a green-eyed stare are lost on us. The words evaporate because it is the emotion that is bundled up inside those words and the baleful stare that we want.

Our fascination and reliance on the inanimate object and the part it plays in the provision of fuel does not end however with what you may regard as traditional inanimate objects. The most effective inanimate object which provides us with fuel is you. How can we regard a person as an inanimate object? In the same way that the words in a scathing comment dissipate as we seize on the emotion, the identity of those providing us with fuel, slips to one side as we savour the fuel that we can extract. Those of you who we seduce and draw into our world where we can draw deep on your fuel stand to be regarded as nothing more than an appliance. We see no person. We recognise no identity. We see a machine that has one purpose and one purpose alone. The provision of fuel for us.

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24 thoughts on “Fuel Me Once”

  1. HG,
    Going out on a limb here…and will presume a few more items on your list?

    House(castle?) adorned with pieces of art throughout…a museum of sorts. Total OCD with nothing ever out of place. Immaculate landscape.
    Bed linens for each season and/or occaision for potential targets. Well stocked candles, etc. for ambience and aroma therapy…including fragrances you don’t care for(just in case)
    Matching appliances, dishes, silverware, cookware, etc. The best coffee maker even tho you probably only drink tea.
    Only you are allowed to wash dishes if need be. No one can sanitize them like you. Well stocked refrigerator and liqueur cabinet.
    Car wash once a week, whether needed or not.
    Impulsive buyer and shopper.
    A dozen pair of designer sunglasses, for any occasion or if you’re just plain bored.
    A titanium money clip in lieu of a wallet.
    Load up the shopping cart at the market with organic food items to lure and impress potential “health nut” or physically fit targets.
    The most expensive anti-aging cremes & lotions (with atleast 2 extra backups in the cupboards)
    Extensive collection of all the most popular colognes(again target specific)
    Enough for now.

    Was going to suggest a Harley for when you need the “bad boy” image, but I don’t think your that much of a risk taker and probably alergic to leather.

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    1. Hello lansealan!
      Nice description of how you “visualize” him…and he DOES have a Harley…so….that would make your description more accurate …..

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      1. Lansealan, Hahahaha…”The best coffee maker even though you only drink tea.” Love it! All one has to say is coffee and it is like a beacon for me….hypnotic trance walk as I follow the smell..

        Hi SuperXena 🙂
        HG has a Harley? I missed that and would not have guessed. I would have guessed a BMW bike. I totally see the Jag (which he says he has) and perhaps if there are other vehicles, some Italian or German high end vehicle. And a stable of fine horses too, for the shows and fox hunts. (Why not?)

        Yeah, he doesn’t touch dishes. If I were a greater, I would poof them with my magical powers. 😉

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      2. Ok…I give and consensus wins…
        I’ll attribute the dishwashing thought to an OCD ex.
        I’m also ok with the Harley…however, will stick with HG being “low risk” especially because of the potential physical or “cosmetic” damage(lmao) (
        “No Function, No Fuel” right HG?Would assume he just strategically parks it for “status fuel” and not for bad boy image.

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      3. Hello Indy!
        How are you! It is interesting to see how different we visualize him…First I thought of him like a sporty person with a Ducati…that he told me he didn’t have..so I am confused….so I guess we visualize him as we “want”him to be! . I personally love sport motorcycles.. I like the feeling of freedom when riding them…the power of the engine ,the control ,the landscape AND the SPEED… Brum, brum !!!
        Would it sound cruel to say that that is the only thing I miss of my ex Greater? Just the motorcycle…LOL.
        Nice hearing from you…sorry for the unfair attacks you experienced from ED…it was the most incoherent “case” I have read up to now..
        Best wishes!!!

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      4. Hi SuperXena!
        I can totally see you on a cool sport bike! Just by your name alone! Zoomy Xena 🙂

        Nah, the only thing I miss from one of my exes was the trips to all over. But, freedom is priceless :- )

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      5. Hello Indy!
        You made me laugh!!! Yes I like brum,brum ,zoomy bikes a lot!! Perhaps we could make a “duo”? : You marching and me “biking”??? Lol
        Yes….freedom feels good,good ,good!

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      6. Hi Indy! Yeah..that’s a good one…good vibes!!! Ha.ha..just thinking at how this duo would look like made me laugh😀 You can march as fast as you can( with feathers??) and I can bike the slowlest…hilarious…We can have this song as our theme?? Ha,ha

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  2. Blood is to a vampire as emotional energy is to a narc.

    Now I really get why both my narcissists were so thoroughly enraptured by me. Not because of who I am of course, like they pretend – my values, morals, personal qualities, intelligence, etc. – none of that. It’s that everyone tells me that I’m a highly emotionally expressive person and what’s true is that the emotions that I feel are very deep and are totally authentic. I couldn’t hide them if I tried – they’re always all over my face. And I enjoy being ’emotionally authentic’ since it fits in with my values. It’s like presenting a cokehead with the highest grade cocaine right under their noses. I just need to accept that I will always be like walking shark bait to these broken demons so I need to immediately withdraw from their vicinity the moment I start picking up on red flags.

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  3. Through your writings, Im better understanding your motivations in life relationships to satisfy your insatiable appetite for fuel. Thank you.

    Psychologically speaking, do you think maybe subconsiously you are acting out your own inner pains by causing that same pain to those who get too close? If so…are you working on identifying them in therapy?

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    1. You are welcome and thank you for reading.

      I recognise through the work that has been done that my need for power, superiority and domination arises from the helplessness that was once experienced and must never be experienced again.

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    2. Perhaps that is true HG

      but lots of us have experienced the same, but we choose to not continue the cycle of abuse, or keep it at a minimun as much as possible ..

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