How Could You?



“How could you do this to me?”

“How could you sleep with my sister?”

“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”

“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”

“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”

“How could you get me into so much debt?”

“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”

“How could you not see what you were doing?”

“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”

“How could you tear us apart like this?”

“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”

“How could you? In our bed of all places?”

“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”

“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”

“How could you destroy our family?”

“How could you not control yourself?”

“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”

“How could you disappear like that?”

“How could you be so heartless?”

There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.

Everything you thought that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.

Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.

Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.

We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.

  1. Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
  2. Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
  3. Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
  4. No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
  5. No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
  6. No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
  7. You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
  8. No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
  9. Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.

How could you not realise all of this?

No wonder we get sick of you.

20 thoughts on “How Could You?

  1. Magic says:

    It chills me to think of it now but in the early days of a recent 15 month ‘situationship’ with a married N whom promised he was estranged and divorcing (but then brutally dis-engaged with me 6 weeks ago when his wife called and announced their pregnancy by telling me it all meant nothing and its her always has been always will be) he said to me ‘Any man can sweep a woman off her feet – he just needs to know the right broom’. That still haunts me.

  2. theletterafterj says:

    These are my words, “How could you destroy our family? Your words,”No wonder we get sick of you.” We are opposing forces destined to collide till death do us part. It is literally a marriage made in hell. I realise it now and I intend to stay divorced for the rest of my life.

  3. Jenna says:

    How could you say that you love me more than i love you, then all of a sudden stop saying that you love me?

    1. K says:


      I think it is to make you get upset so they can get fuel.

      1. Jenna says:

        K, actually i asked him why he stopped saying he loved me. He said it’s because i was too demanding (of his time). So in his world, he was losing control by giving me more time than he wanted, and thus his love for me by making these ‘demands’ diminished. Keep in mind i would only ask to see him once every two wks. That was too much for him i guess.

      2. K says:


        I hear you. Towards the end it all disappeared like a mirage; synthetic love vaporized into thin air. Poof! He was with his shiny new toy and I could feel him diminish by the day. What a nightmare.

  4. Victoria says:

    So true, all of it. You say it like nobody else HG! Fantastic!

  5. Nicnocturnal says:

    If you are untroubled by the import of our allegations, then why such a malignant response when we damage the facade and out you? If we’re so insignificant then how do you not consider our public declarations of your behaviour as such? Surely it would be easier to take us on and denounce us as neurotic liars immediately after discard when we’re so vulnerable? Or do you work out which friends will be on each side prior to discard and focus your energies on those who you definitely know will believe you?

    Sorry for the questions all at once. Your contrary behaviour is fascinating.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fair observations Nicnocturnal.
      1. We are untroubled by the import of your allegations as against us direct because we regard you as inferior to us, to blame and that you are liars. However if you fracture the carefully constructed façade then you risk damaging a significant part of what maintains us and we cannot have that. Thus, we know you are lying but if other people happen to be swayed by the lies then this causes us concern.
      2. It depends on the school of the narcissist. I will have smeared a victim so that when they try to ‘out’ me, nobody is listening and I am relaxed, indeed contemptuous and scornful of their accusations. A Lesser may not have smeared or has done so to only a small section of the ‘audience’ so that when the victim manages to get opinion on his or her side then the impact is not insignificant.
      3. We do denounce you as neurotic liars and many different things, dependent on the nature of the smear and the capability of the relevant narcissist.
      4. Again, this choosing of those who are more likely to believe us and not you, is part of the smear campaign. If you haven’t done so already, you will find the book Smeared helpful in this regard for understanding more of our approach and also what you can do about it.
      No need to apologise for asking questions, but your politeness is noted.

      1. Victoria says:

        Hi HG,
        I will apologize too for asking one more question based on what you just wrote-if that is OK with you?
        Does the smear campaign begin when our replacement has been secured or does it begin from the first devaluation? My Narc. was an UMR.
        Thank you 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The Smear campaign will occur when we are moving towards your dis-engagement so it does not begin as soon as we start to devalue you (because it may prove advantageous for our façade for you to be well regarded externally and for us to be Street Angel/House Devil). Also please see the book Smeared for more on the timing and reasons for this.

          1. Victoria says:

            Thanks HG! Smear will be the next book I purchase as soon as I finish Treasured and Tormented. Just wondering do you have any new books coming out this summer? I love the way you write!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you. Yes, there are four which are on the cusp of being pulled fully formed from the Tudor Spawning Vat.

          3. Victoria says:

            Awesome HG, You have a wonderful sense of humor!
            Since I am on holiday for two months this summer I want to read them all! Would you please let us know on the blog when they are released from the spawning vat? LOL
            Thanks again, I can’t wait!

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Yes they will be announced.

  6. Ms brown says:

    This post is so brutal, because its blunt and true

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    When you don’t care about anything you are free to do anything

    We say why… you say why not lol

  8. Indy says:

    Well, I got those “How could you’s” when I left. “How could you give up the time we had together and not try?” “How could you cut all contact from me? I thought you loved me?” “How could you not give me another chance? I thought it was through think and thin?”

    Blah, blah, blah….after 3 relapses and multiple broken promises and treating me with a lack of respect….how could I?!? I just did.

  9. Ellie says:

    The worst one for me was how could you destroy every area of my life and expect me to be a good mother to your child. I got through it though and I’m a brilliant mother to MY child

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