Ice on the Awake


The bedroom is one of my favourite rooms. One of my ex-girlfriends used to call it the torture chamber. Another called it the freezer. Their appellations amused me. I don’t like to be touched. Dr O has suggested this is because that touch reminds me too much of what I am missing. I laughed at her remark. I prefer not to be touched, so how on earth would I miss that? I soon learned in the bedroom however that there was an expectancy to touch and hold. At first I would go along with this ritual but I soon tired of it and the thought of ‘spooning’ made me gag. I then learned however that my dislike of being touched and touching was actual a very useful weapon. I initially refrained from touching purely because I did not like it. No more. No less. The person in bed with me however would make such a scene about it that I learned they had to be touched or held to affirm that I felt something for them. Accordingly, by withholding any form of contact this would really upset them. It was marvellous. I was able to turn an idiosyncrasy of mine into a tool to cause upset and distress. If I refused to cuddle up (I’m shuddering just typing that) then I would be met with loud sighs and pleading requests. This emboldened me to not even face their way. In fact, I would lie looking at them and then purposefully turn my back on them. Moments later the sobbing would start and I would feel the power flowing through me before I drifted off to sleep. From what they told me, they endured many a lonely night trying to sleep. If they tried to place an arm around me, I would shrug it off or if really irritated (and this was a body blow) I would get up and sleep in the spare room. I love doing this. Not only do I get to really isolate the other person but then I can criticise them in the morning for forcing me from my bed and into the spare room. That gives me a delightful boost as I butter my toast.

53 thoughts on “Ice on the Awake

  1. Ali says:

    the not liking to be touched info puts a lot in perspective and explains a lot. Thank you HG

  2. It seems like I’m always the last one to make a comment but anyway, my ex was only affectionate in public to the point of embarrassing me. At home, he said I was suffocating him if I hugged him. He would oggle all the women in the mall and everywhere, and if they didn’t look at him, he would say they must be lesbians or they would have smiled at him. I wish I had known what he was back then!

  3. HG, you endure touching during seduction to simply maintain the facade. Even though you hate it. That is dedication to the cause. The fuel must be incredibly succulent for you.

  4. Virginia says:

    Other people I know don’t feel comfortable around the narc. They listen to their gut feelings and avoid him.

  5. Shannon says:

    I get nothing from my husband as far as kissing, hugs, etc. When he wants to initiate sex, he will come in the bedroom and lay on the bed. That’s my cue. When we first started dating and were making out, I would open my eyes sometimes and his eyes would be wide open and empty. That was another red flag I ignored.

  6. Narc affair says:

    Ive had a few experiences with this and have read up on it. It still mystifies me as im very into closeness and sex regardless if theres been an arguement or not. Id rather get past it and move on but from articles ive read men in particular really hold on to anger and hurt. The number one hangup is disrespect. Men value respect and if they feel theyre being treated like a child or disrespected most will be turned off indefinitely. Sex and intimacy will be used as a tool to passive aggressively punish their partner. Theyll withold it to shame and punish their partner for making them feel bad.
    Then theres asexual people who have zero interest in sex and fake it during seduction but revert back to their true self once theyve hooked someone into the relationship. The partner is in turmoil trying to figure out where they went wrong or what they did wrong meanwhile it has nothing to do with them. Many cerebrals are asexual. Sam vaknin being one and admitting to it.
    Narcissist sex is so complex. A narcissist could love the sex but if they are needing control and validation thru negative fuel they will avoid the sex they love to achieve that. They use sex as a tool and never out of love.
    There are also individuals that have hang ups with sex due to abuse and cant fully enjoy it or feel turned off if it becomes too intense. They feel smothered and dont like the loss of control as it reminds them of the abuse where they had little or no control. Their partner can start off being their lover but it turns into disgust and shame part way thru or at the end where they dont want to be touched or loved. That person is regarded as dirty and taking advantage.
    If sex wasnt so good id say good riddance! I never thought it could be so complex and mind boggling.

    1. Virginia says:


      I read Sam Vaknin’s book and listened to his videos.

      It is sure obvious that the CN doesn’t have any true intimate feelings. He can hug me one minute and dictate to me firmly the next. A normal person can’t switch on and off like this, within moments of each other, without any cause. It is weird to witness this every day.

      He enjoys working and hanging out with me for fuel, but the relationship can never develop past that. That is ok with me because he isn’t good for me on a romantic level. He is fine getting fuel from me and assistance, without caring about how it affects me. So, I am now starting to just live my own life more, and being less available to him.

    2. Ms brown says:

      I am asexual and not NPD…. there are many other reasons people are asexual and I wanted to clarify that. I am VERY sensually orientated, but do not have desire for intimate sex. complicated, yes

  7. XXX says:

    What about a massage? My ex always said how much he liked a good massage… Is that a lie as well? What about a massage with happy ending?

  8. Virginia says:

    Of course, if the narc does approach me and want some intimacy, he is taken care of and I am not even bothered with. He did this 4 times in a row. I told him about it, too. I said, it is all about you. You don’t reciprocate. He would said, okay. It will be your turn next time. That never came. So, I gave up and did not offer to take care of him anymore. He doesn’t care. I act indifferent towRds him now. It has been about 8 months since I saw him naked. We live together. Hell, I will just move out and meet a man I can share everything with. I love intimacy. It has been 6 years without sex. Forget this!!

    1. strongerwendy says:

      6 years???? 😨

  9. Scout says:

    When we travelled in his camper van we slept on opposite sides. He insisted we hold hands, bridging the divide. Was this just a show of affection, HG? Didn’t it mean anything at all?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No it did not mean anything. It was done as part of the illusion.

  10. I think not wanting to cuddle and touch has more to do with the narcissist lower skin sensitivity. Touching simply doesn’t give them any pleasure.
    It explains a lot, why he never touched me the way I needed to be touched, he always went straight for the kill, hurting me in the process.
    I also finally understood why he chose to stay with that lizard narc of his even though there was never any closeness between them. He didn’t need it, all he wanted was fuel, which she supplies him with, even though it’s artificial fuel. She said: only I know how to treat him.
    It’s because I didn’t know fuel existed, couldn’t understand why he preferred her though she threw him out of bed immediately after sex, and then often out of the house.
    I understand everything now. He can have his lizard non feeling wife, And vice versa.

  11. E. B. says:

    Does not wanting to be touched (non-sexual touch) have anything to do with avoiding *emotional closeness and intimacy* in a relationship because narcissists cannot emotionally attach to other people, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes it does.

  12. abrokenwing says:

    Yep. Nice blow job is ok but hugs are too intimate and makes them stiffen.

  13. K says:

    Because of my childhood, I do not like hand-holding, spooning, or cuddling. After sex I just wanted to go to sleep or, occasionally, have a smoke. However, my boyfriend mirrored or used his father’s love for his construct (dad was an empath) because my ex was very affectionate; really warm and fuzzy. I was amazed by it. He loved to cuddle after sex. it wasn’t too bad and I got used to it. When he withdrew his warm and fuzzy self during devaluation it didn’t really affect me much. But his hugs were amazing and I can still feel them today.

    Sapiosexuality: another one for the construct. Thanks!

  14. Jenna says:

    My ex liked cuddling and touching. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other – no sex. Well, sex sometimes.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      All that cuddling and shit would happen but it often lead to something sexual….

      Which meant I was swatting him away lmao

  15. Scout says:

    Narcypants loved touching and cuddling up until the devaluation set in, then he went cold on me and I wasn’t allowed to touch him at all. He would physically rebuke me when awake and asleep. I never cried, I was just perplexed by his extreme behaviour. Thanks to blogs like this I understand I am not to blame for his twisted reality.
    I wonder how the new supply (JW) is getting on in my side of the bed….?

  16. Serena says:

    My Narc touches me when he wants sex. But usually it’s me that can’t keep my hands off him.

    I love being touched. I love my hand being held, cuddling on the sofa, getting a massage. Stroke my face, play with my hair. I love sex and pretty much any physical contact.

    But when it comes to sleeping I just like to stick my cold feet on him and once there warm then I moved down to the opposite end of the bed. I don’t want to be crowded. I don’t like him breathing on me. And if he is all gassed up that’s even worse. Sometimes I wish I had my own room.

  17. MLA - Clarece says:

    Did you ever have a girlfriend that caught on that intimacy and non-sexual touching was uncomfortable for you, so she didn’t take it personally? If that did happen, would you find it refreshing? Or disappointed you wouldn’t be able to manipulate that way?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Only one realised. The rest just thought they had done something wrong or could not figure out why I appeared to be blowing hot and cold. I think it would be refreshing but you are correct, there would be disappointment to lose a form of manipulation from the toolkit.

      1. strongerwendy says:

        But you abhore both non-sexual and sexual touching correct? I thought you had explained that you do sexual touching/contact to gain fuel and for no other reason (you stated you can take care of yourself alone sexually when the urge arises just as well, if not better, than being with someone else).

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        It could be the disappointment would wane as you would be gaining a new form of positive fuel; that being understanding of who you are and releasing you of pressure to behave in a way that you don’t want to always. That kind of acceptance without rejection would be appealing.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        I find this interesting because I was the one who would often go into the other room in the middle of the night and my ex would get upset lol.

      4. Virginia says:

        I always knew that it wasn’t my problem. I am very self aware and “others” aware. I have good self esteem and confidence, so that helps. I also spent 2 years researching narcs and I read over 2,000 pages on narcs. But, before I discovered who Narcs are, when I started to date my first CN, I knew he was way off within weeks of dating him. Then, as it kept getting more weird, I Googled narcissism traits just as a place to start to figure him out. Oh boy!!! The answers to my many questions about who and why he was this way he was, we’re shouting loud and clear!!

        Thankfully, I always knew it was a problem with him. He told me that I have a Ph.D in Psychology, and how he is like 2 year old. He then said, this can never work. Of course, because he was powerless with my powerful knowledge and awareness. He couldn’t control me. I told him that he was a CN. Note: I don’t have a degree. But, he said that I was so smart and how I can connect the dots like no one else he has ever met. He really liked me a lot, but he could never have an upper hand over me. He could not accept this.

        He contacted me 8 months ago. We broke up in 2013. He told me how he has not dated anyone since we broke up. I think he was trying to make his way back to me. But, I told him that I am living and working with a male colleague now. So, it ended there and I have not heard back from him again. He doesn’t know that I am living with another CN now 😬.

        The narc I broke up with in 2013, was highly successful and wealthy. We dated for 3 years.

        My problem:

        I am highly intellectual and I am attracted to highly intelligent business minded men. I also intellectualize my feelings, so I ignore my feelings at times and analyze them as thoughts intellectually. This causes my warning signals/ feelings get mentally rationized as to my reasons for staying longer. My mind tells me that I can endure and I am strong. The feelings say, you deserve better, and just leave.

  18. giulia says:

    You do touch yourself when you jerk off. Or you don’t like that either.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I jerk off through the power of telepathy guilia!

      1. windstorm2 says:

        Wouldn’t that be telekinesis? 😝

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, Big HG likes to communicate with Slightly Less Big HG on these matters!! He needs loving too you know.

          1. Jenna says:


      2. aww lol 😘

      3. giulia says:

        could you explain that?….does your “thing” have a brain and you comunicate with it?…ah ah 🤓 …or you go absolute visual and somehow you get there through imagination…
        Wow….this is fun…I’m not visualizing…I’m thinking about all the different ways to come! 😀
        But not getting physical at all takes away a lottt of fun…

        1. Jenna says:

          Giulia, how about we treat HG with respect and not refer to his private anatomy as his ‘thing’ with a ‘brain’ etc. He is so professional here, we can at least reciprocate by being polite? I am surprised he even posted your comment.

      4. strongerwendy says:


        yes, I believe he referred to it as “slightly less big HG” 😉

    2. lmao giulia, how have you been? cause I feel like I’m losing my mind .. it’s nothing good like you said, I’m paying for the supernatural powers in some way..

      1. giulia says:

        Hello ED,
        sorry to hear that….and yeah…it’s no good…I am doing well. Busy and happy. My narc is leaving me alone and I hope he doesn’t get tired of it.
        Looking for another big sexy guy to get down on me and get nasty and sweaty…it’s summer time…people walk around with shorts, tight t shirts..tanned…it’s all so beautiful 😎💓

        1. hahahaha… hey giulia, I met giulio from Italy last weekend, are you Italian?
          he’s an actor from Rome, here for a while..
          my n is leaving me alone too but I feel he’s crying and calling me.. I wish that stopped so I can have some peace of mind and yeah.. I’m excited about this summer, we have the Great Lakes here so I swim a lot and sun tan on the beaches, it’s going to be beautiful free summer.. the last one I spend mostly in courts, jail and prison,,I mean he did I just kept bailing him out of trouble.. enough of spending my time on other people!
          I jus worried a lil about you, cause I know how this feels, and sometimes I feel so bad, it takes a toll eventually.. hugs giulia, take care of yourself …

  19. CBD says:

    My lover ALWAYS wants to cuddle after sex. Is that only for the show?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is.

  20. Virginia says:

    I can’t edit my typos….

  21. Virginia says:

    I have been with 2 cerebral narcs. One loved affection, but withheld sex. The other one, #2, avoids both. He started holding hands, but avoids kissing and anything sexual. It is weird to me. If I reach out to even touch his knee, I sense a weird reaction and his facial expression shows me that he doesn’t really like to be touched. He does give me a “motherly” hug now and then, but thstvis probably on order to keep me around a bit longer. I keep thinking about how I want to start meeting a normal man with normal desires and attitudes.

    Every man I have been with has been very happy with me in all aspects. No one ever turned down kissing or sex like narc #2. It just seems too strange…

  22. Metamorph says:

    He confessed to me that the cuddling stuff never happened with anyone before me…said he hated it and had no desire….just wasn’t in him. But then he also confessed I was the first he did that with. He always cuddled me. Funny enough he said something very revealing and unnerving….”you are the only woman who can destroy me”.
    A definite foreshadowing. He is now answering to the law for a long time and making restitution for his abuse.

  23. windstorm2 says:

    What on earth are the brown things in the picture? They look like small rodent skins! You excel at finding disturbing pictures, HG (by way of your minion of course) but this one is a different type of disturbing – much slower to set off the mental alarm bells. Which is very fitting for the subject matter.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      My wigs.

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Haha… You wouldn’t have to cut your hair every twelve days then!

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Ms brown says:

        You wear animal pelts for wigs?!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Whatever is required.

          1. Ms brown says:

            depending on what court you are in

  24. Cc says:

    I understand not wanting to be touched completely. Having to share a bed with someone is bad enough. I hate to hold hands, I hate to hug, I hate to be burdened by someone’s weird need for that. Having sex is bad enough as it is.

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