You Were Warned

you-were-warned

 

“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

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46 thoughts on “You Were Warned”

  1. He warned me….

    Him: I don’t think I will ever get married again, I am not good at them just look at my past record.
    Me: So you don’t want to have a relationship?
    Him: No, I am open to a relationship, but my track record isn’t great.
    Me: Well maybe it was who you married?
    Him: yes, that is very possible.
    Me: Maybe what you need is a really good relationship and forget the marriage part.
    Him: Yes, maybe!

    Later on:
    Him: I am like Henry the 8th. Bad track record.
    Me: Seriously, that many?
    Him: Well I didn’t marry them all but yes I have a few ex-wives.
    Me: Did you move to fast?
    Him: Yes, I did, I am a romantic, fell hard fast. (he is far from romantic!).

    Later on in a discussion about a bad ex: (bipolar according to him, yet now she is psychotherapist…go figure).

    Him: I think I was truly only in love once
    Me: who was that, the mother of your children?
    Him: No, the last one. We were only married for 10 months, moved way too fast. The thing is, I think I truly loved her, but I loved a fake person, that wasn’t the real her…. she was crazy. She totally changed after we were married, started acting different. I am sure she is bi-polar. She is betrayed me, burned me. She even tried to get a restraining order from the courts and a policeman showed up at my door when she was leaving and taking all her things. There was no reason for her to do that at all….she was really off her rocker. That is why trust is so important to me.
    Me: You know you can trust me, I wouldn’t do that to you, that is horrible how she treated you.
    Him: Thank you.

    UGHHHHH!

  2. Well…after reading this post..it really reminds me of these conversations with my ex ..Now that I see it in retrospective,I can describe the cycle of abuse with the abbreviation:
    DRHRR:
    D: devalue
    R: respite
    H: hoover back
    R: Re-start the Golden Period
    R: Repeat

  3. Dear HG, do you ever feel helplessly trapped, – or rather, do you ever see the danger of becoming so? What do you do then and / or what is your mindset in such a potential situation?

      1. I didn’t mean that this time. 😉
        More like: what do you do, what is your approach / mindset when you see the possibility of a situation arising, which could limit your options or power, like at work or when you need to make a decision about a situation or something you would like to do, but the outcome is not sure, not completely controllable? Or when you can’t be sure of full success? How would you go about it, what do you tell yourself?

    1. “How I wish …, how I wish you were here. We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears … wish you were here.”
      (Pink Floyd)

  4. Wow!! I recognize all of this!!! Incredible! It happened in the beginning and then again almost a year later when I found some sketchy emails and confronted him (he went suicidal that night and said I should leave before he destroyed me like he did his ex wife). He discarded me for the girl in the emails a month later. HG, Do you think low level narcs ever get hooked themselves? Can they convince themselves during the high of the love bombing that they are in fact in love? I think my ex narc may believe that and once the excitement fades feels she just “isn’t the one”. He was also not outwardly abusive to me, although he was verbally and emotionally abusive to his ex wife and ex girlfriend. I didn’t see his anger until the relationship was ending. Also, do narcs put on new identities? Every time I have seen him since the break up, I barely recognize him. He even dresses different and seems to have morphed. It’s creepy.

  5. Hi HG… I just found you video on YouTube last night, and I was looking for some info that could/should help or give me some direction how to deal with a Narc after we are separated now for 9 months and the last 4 weeks he coming after me to comeback and hes email show so many anger on his words even he saying that I own him a explanation why I don’t want to be with him after so many years of relationship… I believe you know that he already know all this answers. But he denies and ignore every single word I said for him before.

    My questions are: Why the narc get so anger with us if they have no emotion?

    Why the narc they try to scare/forcing you to come back to them if you already showing no interesting on them? Nothing!!! and also they have so many others “people” as their supplies?

    Thank you HG!

    CrAmelya

    1. Hello Carmelya, welcome on board.

      1. It is incorrect to state we have no emotion. We have fewer if them. We become furious. See the book Fury as to why.
      2. For fuel and for control.
      3. As to why we have so many appliance providing us with fuel – please see the articles/Youtube videos about The Fuel Matrices

      1. Thank you HG! I understand now why he’s anger or furious. It is clear. He don’t want to let me go because I am one of those appliance that providing him with fuel. I will read the book Fury and the videos you recommend.By the way,

        I would like to share some my thoughts about the Narc people that I learned for been with them, not the bad things…I think these are qualities that help them a lot… I see the Narcs that they are extremely no “exaggeration” intelligent people, their IQ probable are the highest, very organized, always planning ahead any area in their lives, their ears are like radars, even when their eyes are looking faraway like they are not here right now-they see everything and with details, they do not miss a thing, well educated and know a lot about everything or almost everything

        Thank you HG again!

  6. I noticed something. A while ago actually. I’m part of a NPD/ BPD/ASPD cure search group, where empaths and PD’s join in discussing the how and why, the stigmatization of NPD, DBT, etc… And sorry to say HG but they are nothing like what I see/read here. They’re actyally the most beautiful souls who just happend to end up with different coping skills for their HSP and C-PTSD. They don’t want to hurt, they don’t scheme, nothing of all this. The difference is striking. I love your posts HG, but after communicating with them daily and them being amazingly beautiful in their journey it doesn’t add up or make sense.

  7. Oh my goodness it’s the same thing my Narc said to me in he beginning and what he said to his ex wife and his girlfriend while we were married! He didn’t think when he decided to get a girlfriend I would befriend her and file for divorce the next day! Empath power and the lioness awakened..

  8. I was in bed with my narc. He was performing his mandatory cuddling after “making love” to me. He looked into my eyes as only he could and said “you know, I’ve been told I’m a sociopath”. I guess that was his version of whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

    1. 12345, my cerebral mid range reflected on whether or not he felt he was a sociopath. “I used to think I was a womanizer, but then I thought maybe I was a sociopath instead. But, I feel guilt, so I don’t think so…”

      Cue the continued debate back-and-forth amongst himself. LOL. This was always done a time where we were not “making love”…. he saved his Superman and Batman stories for the cuddling afterglow. 🙄

  9. My ex husband took an in depth personality quizz at a therapy session and was told by the therapist that, based on his results, he should be a woman. He reacted to this news with pride and satisfaction.

    I should have realized then that he was telling me he’s a bitch. Unfortunately I was fooled by the penis (useless as it was).

    Did you know there are bodies running around that look fully male, but are actually genetic females?!

    Perhaps THIS is the cause of all the political backstabbing!!

  10. My ex told me he was insane on a couple of occasions and I didn’t believe him. It’s very sick and twisted. The “tell” and you have NO idea that it’s the truth. Looking back I find the entire relationship as traumatizing!

  11. Ersatz love. It was so long ago I don’t remember being warned. My memories are all just a mummery of fabricated love…how sad.

    HG, after you referenced the collective noun: murder of crows, I looked up the collective noun for narcissist and found: a reflection of narcissists.
    Of course, the humble empath had no collective noun. Marginalized again! So I made one up: an intuition of empaths or an inkling of empaths.

      1. Or a blaze of empaths? 🔥🔥🔥
        Fuel implies we are only to be fed off, but blaze implies that you can try but you may get burned! **sizzle sounds**
        We are dangerous weaponized empaths!!!

      2. But of course!! I like that word, Tudorized, the opposite of tenderized! Toughened up!

      3. I’m gonna get me a tee-shirt printed with the slogan

        Traumatised?… get Tudorised!

  12. Mr Tudor, do you warn your targets? My ex Narc only ever told me how amazing he was in all of his previous relationships. I of course began to believe that it really must be me bringing out the worst in him. I remember telling him he should just leave me as I obviously was incapable of making him happy. After I wised up a bit and started calling him out on all his BS he used my line on me “I just cannot make you happy”.

      1. HG..
        I was just wondering about what else are you told by the ones you devalue besides telling you that you are cruel referring to the above thread and to your answer: “And more besides”. What do you mean with: ” And more besides”?

      2. Really?!?! And when you give the warning, have you already figured out which vulnerability of theirs you plan to exploit? Or do you personally use the warning to gauge their reaction if they ignore it or take heed?

    1. JN told me once that I was the only person on the planet who brought out his nasty, ugly side. His “good” side was reserved for everyone else, better for them and they were more deserving.

  13. Three months in – exact words ” I’m
    Damaged “. I couldn’t imagine what he could mean by that. 5 yrs together. 2 years apart and finally am aware exactly what it meant !! Always felt I was a good judge of character but this one had me totally snaffued

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