The Octopus of Contrariness

The Contrary Octopus is a minion we use to keep you ensnared and under our control. He has eight tentacles of contradiction which repeatedly coil around you, keeping you in their grip and squeezing your self-esteem and confidence from you.

1. You’ve put on weight

You haven’t of course, in fact you look fantastic and we resent that because now you look better than we do. If we are inclined to take pride in our appearance we hate the fact that you are outshining us. If physical perfection is not something we tend to major in, then we are resentful of the fact that other people will admire you and give you attention and not us. We once basked in this reflected admiration, proud of how attractive you looked, but that was when we seduced you. Now we do not want you looking better than us or drawing attention away from us or even worse still attracting suitors so you might even consider leaving us. Few people are secure about their weight and with our repeated sniping, this tentacle will squeeze some self-esteem from you as you worry about how you look. You are forbidden from attending the gym or going running though, we don’t want you do anything about it.

2. You need to eat more

You don’t. You had a healthy appetite once and these days it takes more effort to swallow your meals because of the anxiety that grips you as a consequence of our behaviour, but once again the issue of weight is something we know causes people concern and therefore it is low-hanging fruit in terms of undermining your confidence. You may resist, fearing gaining weight and this will only provide us with an opportunity to emphasise how you never do anything that we want and you are so argumentative. We want you cooking hearty meals so that we can indulge in them too. We want you running around after us. Naturally we will have wrapped the first tentacle above around you last week and then follow-up with this one, pushing and pulling in order to maximise your confusion. Don’t even try to suggest we said last week that you have gained weight, you are just being awkward again.

3. You need to dress up

You are so exhausted through our manipulation of you that you rarely wear make-up anymore. It is too much effort and usually attracts some scathing comment if you do so. It is far easier to pull on those jogging bottoms and a sweat top, after all, there are so many chores to attend to, because we will not help, that you are best dressed this way for reasons of practicality. We will criticise you for appearing like this and remark how you once took pride in your appearance. This will be said to make you feel guilty for letting us down because you are our extension and you are expected to look immaculate when we want you to. You of course need to second guess when those occasions will be because you will often be caught between the pull of this tentacle and the next one.

4. You dress like a slut

You managed to order something online for that forthcoming night out. Usually any suggestion of you visiting the shops is met with annoyance and criticism by us. We remark about you spending too much time and money shopping. You needed this new outfit and it fits perfectly, elegant and classy, showing off your legs which you still remain proud of. You have spent time doing your hair and make-up and you smile with satisfaction as you look in the full-length mirror at how you still scrub up well. The smile disappears in an instant as we loom up behind you and ask you where do you think you are going dressed like that? We don’t want you going out and enjoying yourself. We do not want you commanding attention and therefore we wrap this tentacle about you and apply the pressure, denigrating your clothing choice, berating you for wearing “too much slap” and bandying words such as whore and slut around until the tears start to flow.

5. Hurry up

This tentacle will always make an appearance when you are doing something that you enjoy. If you are browsing in a shop, you will be castigated for walking too slowly and told to get a move on. If you stop to talk to some friends who you have bumped into one afternoon we will hover nearby coughing and harrumphing in order to unsettle you in front of those people before taking you by the arm and pulling you away, hissing at you that you are showing off. Whenever it involves you, you are wrenching the spotlight away from us and therefore your event needs to be over as quickly as possible. Expect early departures from parties where you are given more attention than us, from concerts when it is your favourite band playing and from family events where your supporters outnumber ours. The octopus’ tentacle will wrap around you and haul you away.

6. Stop rushing me

Naturally when it is something we want to do or where the attention is on us then we can take as long as we like. It does not matter if we need to go and pick somebody up, reach the shops before they close or get back for dinner, it is our time in the spotlight and we are damned if you are going to cut it short. No matter how politely you may remind us that we need to be somewhere else you will always be cut down for trying to undermine us and rushing us. It will provide us with the basis for criticism, even though we have stood in the bar for an hour longer than necessary regaling our coterie with stories of our brilliance.

7. Shut up

Nothing you say has any value. Who are you anyway? You are nothing without me so shut up and listen. Do not dare to speak and point out my many faults and contradictions, you are not allowed to do that. You are not permitted your own voice or opinion, those are denied to you. Mine is the only voice that must be heard, strident and bragging. You are not allowed to defend yourself when I am wrongly accusing you of something. You are not allowed to talk when I am reading, flirting online, watching a television programme or staring into space as I plot my next move. Your silence is expected and when I tell you to shut up, you had better do it.

8. Well, say something

What’s wrong with you? Speak. Anybody would think that you are not allowed to say something. You stand there mute and idiotic. You are making me look stupid by not joining in with the conversation. This is my evening remember and you had better shine and sparkle so everyone realises how great I am by choosing you. Make them laugh, say something of note and don’t embarrass me. Make sure you speak highly of me and keep the praise going, laugh at my jokes, prompt the praise and fulfil your role as my number one cheerleader. Don’t ever stand there in silence when I am ruling the roost. What do you mean I just told you to be quiet? Don’t start with those games again, how many times have I warned you?

43 thoughts on “The Octopus of Contrariness

  1. Ali says:

    the organisation comments… I think that varies depending on the level of narc, lesser, mid-range or ultimate (there you go HG, super power level ultimate, for your ego boost of the day). covert?

    my ex was not organised at all and because of his belief that it is beneath him to clean, and because he is a covert and enjoys victimhood, he was not only disorganized but with no one to clean up after him gladly lived in his own filth… waiting for me or his mother to clean up after him.. oh how he rankled and cringed at having to pick up anything at all… that is the work of minions and slaves… not the all high and mighty… oh how I mistreated him once I refused to pick up after him… oh… right… he actually convinced others he “could not” pick up after himself… but don’t get me wrong… when it was time to put on the facade he was clean and well-groomed… until he’d play the pity card anyway… I was a rotten rotten naughty no good excuse for a slave… I talked back, I said no and I called him out on his behavior… woeth him…

    I am still learning that I am not responsible for his behaviors. The guilt trips have not worked in a long time but the scape-goating (baaaahh) still gets to me… because no one else has figured out that it was his choice and no one else has figured out that contrary to his claims he could pick up after himself, he just chose not to…

    HG, will you be, or have you in the past, discussed “covert” narcissism and is that linked, for the sake of argument, to lesser, mid-range or is it a completely different type of beast? You know… what does it eat in winter and all that jazz?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ali, I prefer Ultra when it comes to me, but thank you for the label of Ultimate nevertheless!

      I do not categorise by reference to covert or overt because those terms are too wide. Covert behaviour can be found in both Mid-Range and Greater, the Mid-Range Narcissist in particular.

  2. Twilight says:

    Narc Affair and Superxena
    Did you notice how they walked? I would compare him to a wolf on the hunt. He would just give me that smile I loved, that and we played paintball a lot. I would sit back and watch him. The way he moved was different then most of the men I know. There was only one other I knew that moved like him and he to was a greater.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Twilight…his walk is one of confidance. Good posture and eye contact with people. I wouldnt say it was a wolf on the hunt but he comes off very sure of himself in body language.

      1. Twilight says:

        Narc Affair

        Lol I would have to rephrase myself, he was very confident yet we spent a lot of time in the woods. It was the way he moved through them. I have watched wolves and I just associated that with his movements. When we played he was very quiet you never heard him come up on you, until it was to late.
        In public he was very confident.

    2. superxena says:

      Hello Twilight!
      My ex didn’t have any particular way of walking or moving. He was very muscular and his body language was mostly intimidating to others.
      I did find something special about his “grin” …and the way he was observing his environment all the time..specially when we were out. He was ” registering” everything around..almost like a machine getting “input”, controlling…

      1. Twilight says:

        Hello Superxena

        The more I think about it it, it wasn’t a style just a “feeling” he projected.
        I haven’t thought about him in a long time now, it is strange

  3. Sarah says:

    My N once said (whilst on the phone), “A friend of mine is really fussy and keeps saying the girl he fancies has let herself go. So, I told him he’s only got 8 teeth, you can hardly be choosy”. I think this was HIS wake up call that HE’S not getting any younger himself and that he’s starting to worry about his own appearance.

    I’m not one for perfect physical appearances, I get my kicks from a sense of humour and the inner niceties that accompany it. He has always been about looks (whether they were bitches or not, intelligent or not – face body and fuel was the goal), yet he can only succeed by using his psychopathic charm skills.

    I once saw this empath’s experiment, where she had 12 cups of different coloured drinks (empath representatives) all surrounding an empty cup in the middle (the narc). She poured each drink one by one into the empty cup, explaining that this is the fuel from each empath that a narc gets. At the end, the empath cups were empty (exhaustion), and the narc’s cup was jet black and dirty – describing that no matter how many he tries this with, or how many times he does it, he is still left an empty black hole. She then throws the liquid away it away and does it all again (the cycle).

    1. Narc affair says:

      Sarah…Oh yes trauma bond girl that was her vid! Very good one!

  4. Jenna says:

    Luckily, i was only subjected to one of these: ‘you need to eat more.’ That’s because he saw that i eat v little and my weight is a little on the lower side.

    1. strongerwendy says:

      Mine would always make sure my favorite foods were around. Basically, anything related to bread 🙂 (plumping me up so I wouldn’t attract any others? I didn’t gain a ton but enough to be rubenesque…). Then he would lecture me on nutrition and health and his expertise on the paleo diet and how he “didn’t care about weight, just wanted me to be healthy.”

      Needless to say, I’ve lost my “narc weight” and am actually allowing myself to enjoy looking good.

      1. Jenna says:

        Strongerwendy, i’m glad you lost your ‘narc weight’ (if that was your intention) and are enjoying looking great!

  5. K says:

    7. Shut up: We were on our way to go apple picking, when I told my ex to get into the right lane because the exit was coming up. He said,”Shut up. I know where I am going.” So when the next exit came up, I kept my mouth shut and he drove right on by. I said nothing until he remarked how the farm wasn’t this far and that’s when I told him he drove by the exit. He said, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I said, “Because you told me to shut up and that you knew where you were going.” It took us an extra half hour of driving to exit the highway and turn around. He was such an ass.

  6. superxena says:

    Oh… Sometimes it really gets very tiresome to read some comments( ED’s ,ISY…) I wish I had a “dislike” button…would that be considered bullying??? I know…I am not a “good girl” by writing this…but I really wished I had a dislike button…please???

    1. lansealan says:

      Hi Xena,
      No offense…Nobody’s forcing you to read their comments, right? Just skip over them.
      Plus I don’t think HG has designated any of his minions to assistant moderator status yet. I believe I remember him saying he posts most comments with a few exceptions…don’t recall “boring” being one of them?

      1. superxena says:

        Hi lansealan,

        Thank you for your observation. It is interesting to see that you got offended by my comment.

        1.First of all I will continue reading the comments on this blog since I find the majority of them giving,interesting and educating

        2. I will continue expressing my opinion…since I have the right to do so…as you do.

        3. Some of the comments coming from certain bloggers have a large history and that is why I find them tiresome now.Some of them have been very offensive ,annoying and distasteful .And yes, after awhile they are tiresome to me..According to the Cambridge Dictionary the
        definition of Tiresome: “Annoying and making you lose patience”. I never wrote the word “boring” as you implied.

        4. As I understand from your message , you are implying that I am one of HG’s minions although you do not say it directly..so:

        a) How ( according to you) does expressing my own opinion make me one of HG’s minions?

        I would appreciate your comment..perhaps you know something about myself that I do not?

        1. 12345 says:

          I think you’d make a great minion (only using that term because that’s what HG calls them), superxena. You would moderate with fairness and a sense of humor 🙂

          1. superxena says:

            Hello 12345
            Ha,ha You really made me laugh! Lol!
            Thank you for your comment!
            First I don’t think I have the knowledge to do it and certainly not the neutrality that should be needed…as you may see from my comments above!
            Hypothetically ( I say so because that is never going to happen) if I would have a role here …it would be a lot different…but not as a minion…I do not know where those implications by some people come from …interesting though…!!
            How are you?

          2. 12345 says:

            I’m good! Just one more day till the weekend❤️

          3. superxena says:

            @12345
            Yeah,yeah…soon weekend!!! Good to know you are fine!!!

      2. lansealan says:

        Hi Xena,
        My response, as requested:

        I was very far from being offended. I’m curious how you determined and/or arrived at that conclusion.

        #1. Obviously you’re choice.
        #2. Agree, obviously your right.
        #3. Obviously your opinion, whether true or not. I only used “boring” in lieu of tiresome as I felt it was less offensive and a diluted substitute. I appreciate you defining “tiresome” for me as well as find it interesting you allow comments from strangers to annoy you to a point of impatience.
        #4. You did misunderstand. Absolutely no insinuation. Was only referring to HG’s assumed lack of staffing. If I was directly implying, I would have clearly stated it.
        #4.(a) Mute point. Refer to #4

        And knowing things about you that you might not be aware of is trully subjective and of course would just be my opinions. I did find some of your remarks interesting and noticed a few contradictions. If that still interests you I’m sure I can accomodate, as I’m typically not short on words and/or opinions. Lol. LMK
        Hope all is well and nothing but good things. 😁

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Moot not mute

      3. superxena says:

        Hi lansealan!
        Everything perfectly fine with me thank you.
        And thank you for your answer. Although I did not really get any clear answer from you…I do not need more comments from you and I certainly do not have the need to comment further. I hope you are fine as well!!

      4. lansealan says:

        HG…my bad.
        Thanks for the autotudorcorrector…😜

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha pleasure

    2. Twilight says:

      Superxena
      Lol I agree, I can only read so many before they have given me a headache and I feel like I have a serious hangover. To much choas running through them.
      I will say that is the one thing about the man I was seeing, organization within in him. Must be the compartmentations. I would look at him sometimes and it was like he was running through files when he was sitting there contra-plating things.
      I am seriously overthinking today.

      1. superxena says:

        Hello Twilight!
        Thank you! I like to read all the comments..and I have found myself giving some of them the ” benefit of the doubt”… But unfortunately some of them are still disrespectful not just for the owner of the blog but to the other readers..although I have understood there is a purpose to let them through..
        How are you?

        1. Twilight says:

          Hello Superxena

          I am going great, thank you!

          I am not surprised by the comments, yet HG does give a lot here.

          How are you doing? Has spring sprung there? It has here, been enjoying the rains the past few evenings.

          1. superxena says:

            Hello Twilight!
            I am doing fine ! Thank you…actually it is summer here now…it is warm…as warm as it can be around these Nordic Countries.
            It is a free day here..so I am doing some ” paper work ” at home!
            Nice to know you are doing fine!

      2. Narc affair says:

        Twilight…you brought up organization with the narc and ive experienced the same with my narc. He is the most organized person i know! Id read its common with narcissists but maybe moreso greaters? Mine will do what he says almost always unless its deliberate not to. If i ask for something online he will send it to me, occasions like bdays hes never missed, impirtant dates he remembers. Another thing i noticed as well is routine. He has a routine and sticks to it religiously. Ive teased him about being ocd. Every thursday he does his shopping for the 6 yrs ive known him. Even rituals like holidays he has certain things he does on those days every year. I find it kind of cute. Sundays is his coffee day. He only drinks it that day lol i dont say it in that im poking fun but it fascinates me. Im not sure if this is related to narcissism or just his quirky personality.

        1. superxena says:

          Hello Narc Affair and Twilight!
          Now that you brought it..I agree with you both..it has perhaps something to do with the Greaters..mine was one and the routines you described are very similar to my ex’s routines..Extremely,pedantic organised…doing the same things at the same time…his clothes very organised. …he had a methodology…strict methodology for everything . I guess it is because they hate changes( mine did it)… Because they lose control? There was not “room” for improvisation…we HAD TO stick to the plans…..scarry ..if you ask me…

        2. Jenna says:

          Narcaffair, my ex was similar. He is very organized, has a very rigid schedule, etc. You may be on to something here!

      3. Narc affair says:

        Hi superxena
        Youre right it could be fear of change. I never thought of it that way. Routine is such a big part of his personality. He is able to be spontaneous tho.
        It just fascinates me tho how some people have a set daily routine and stick to it. I suppose it brings comfort. Im the opposite i tend to go with the flow.

      4. Indy says:

        Hi Twilight,
        This organization and sticking to a ritual thing and being resistant to change. This is fascinating! I had that experience too with the exes of mine that I believe are in the NPD spectrum. Hmmmm….

        1. Twilight says:

          Hello Indy

          How are you? The different views from so many, yet many things are so similar with each one.

  7. lansealan says:

    Hahaha…at one point in time these tactics confounded me and I actually thought she was insulting my intelligence on purpose(now verified, Ty HG). Now, can’t help laughing…not only at her, but at myself as well! Wow…you guys really are messed up. Badly😕😕😕

  8. 12345 says:

    I gained 5 lbs at one point. We were together at one point when I was younger and he said he needed to talk to me. I thought, oh my gosh, he’s leaving her! Uh…no. He said “if you gain anymore weight we are done”. I bawled my eyes out and stopped eating. More recently prior to discard he asked me if I knew why some women don’t have wrinkles. I said heredity? He said “no, they are overweight and the fat plumps up the lines on their face”. I asked if he was referring to me and he told me to be the judge of that. The sad part of this is that I look at pictures of myself 30 years ago and I was HOT if I do say so myself. My body was beautiful. I would kill for that body today. I let him convince me that my body wasn’t good enough. So not good enough that the punishment would be abandonment.

    1. Ms brown says:

      12345… nothing is ever good enough. Even when you do what they want, no matter what, it will be reversed… and on and on and on it goes. Most women, our appearance is important to us. For some of us, more so. It will get attacked. And then they go and replace you (my case) with a very unattractive new ipps. I feel sorry for her! Nah, NOT REALLY 😳 What I’m saying is, I get what you mean….

    2. Narc affair says:

      Wow what a winner you were with ughhhh!!! 🙁 it never ceases to amaze me the depths narcissists will go to devalue. Ive been devalued but never the extent of so many ive read about here and elsewhere. Its so sad.

  9. Cc says:

    You sound just like a typical man.

  10. I needed a lil boost to get up from bed today n it did it
    i thought n thought about what fuel is, and fuel is .. energy! eureka!
    right?
    you want our energy.. the surge of power you feel after you obtain our fuel is a boost of energy, our energy
    so there is an exchange of energy happening, it gives you energy to live but it weakens us..
    I’ve told you how drained I felt during and after conversations with the psychopath, and how bad things were happening – well I also think not only do you take our positive energy, you also release negative energy onto us, and around you, which causes physical damage, injury, etc.
    or if we absorb that energy, it causes us cPtsd symptoms, often illness of some sort..

    fuel: energy

    advise to myself: don’t interact with vampires aka narcissists.. don’t let them steal your energy

    our bodies generate only so much during the day, I have a limited amount for me to function normally and it seems like I’ve been freely giving away my precious resources to others who instead of reinforcing it and giving back, they were depleting me completely

    so now keeping this in mind, when I focus my own energy entirely on myself, imagine what I can accomplish! 🤸‍♀️

    1. abrokenwing says:

      ‘i thought n thought about what fuel is, and fuel is .. energy! eureka!
      right?’

      Are you serious ?

      1. Brian says:

        I’ve found that if you let them escalate a conversation into a shouting match…you feel bad and they feel good. Maybe even energized.

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