You’re The One That I Want


I will have told you that I only have eyes for you, that you are the one, that I am completely dedicated to you and that I only ever want to be with you. You make me say these things. It is your expectation of such faithfulness to you and you alone, indoctrinated into you by the world, that causes me to have to say these things. I need to fulfil your expectations in order to capture you and then keep you. It is a ridiculous state of affairs. Since when can a person be sustained on one thing alone? It is impossible. At its most basic, you are given only water to drink and nothing to eat. You will starve. Then if you are given just bread to eat your body will be malnourished as it is not getting the nutrients it needs from fruit, vegetables, meat and so on. One food stuff alone is not sufficient. Take your job. If you had to do the same thing over and over again, the absolute same task you will go out of your mind with boredom. Either that or you would lose your job to mechanisation. One thing is not enough.

Have you only ever had one relationship? Unlikely. How else would you know whether this is right if you have nothing to compare it against? Can one man win a football match? Of course not. He needs his team mates. Where does your stimulation come from? Are you confined to reading just one book repeatedly? No. One film seen countless times? No, you like and prefer a variety of silver-screened entertainment. Do you have just one person you interact with on a social level? Again the answer is no. You draw your social nourishment from different friends, family members, acquaintances and so forth. One is not enough.

I am no different. The thing that sustains me is fuel. I must draw this from several sources. Yet, my necessary actions in acquiring this fuel subject me to moral indignation and disapproval. How is that fair? I do not tell you that you must only eat one kind of breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, why should I be expected to gather my fuel from just one appliance? I need the variety. Not only is this necessary to ensure that I have fuel on tap at all times, it is necessary to provide the catalyst for the provision of fuel from my primary appliance. If I have nothing by which I can provoke a reaction from you, your free-flowing fuel will soon dry up.

The result is that you and I are never alone. There is no singularity despite all of my words asserting that this is the case. When I first ensnare you there will be another who is being subjected to my vitriol. You are most likely warned of this psychotic ex. What I am less likely to tell you about is my ongoing campaign of denigration in order to harvest further fuel from this harlot who has let me down. I may even be faithful at first. Yes faithful by your understanding of the concept, namely that I will not physically consort with another. I am not faithful however in just being solely committed to you. I will be reaching out to others in order to bring them into my sphere of influence, most likely whispering the very same things that I have said to you. My lips may not lock with these new opportunities but that is more by accident than design. I have certainly locked with them in order to draw fuel from them. As I walk through the day those invisible fuel lines reach out and attach to most who I interact with.I am sure, judged by your standards, you would not be overly concerned about the methods by which I draw fuel from some. In other instances you would be most concerned. Yet, you must understand that I am only doing what everyone does. I am seeking variety. In your instance you do it because you prefer it that way. It is interesting. Maintaining a variance keeps things fresh and stimulating. In my case I have to do it. There may not yet be any lipstick on my collar but there are scores of fuel lines attached and in ways that you are always going to find distasteful. That is of course if you ever find out.

27 thoughts on “You’re The One That I Want

  1. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

    Thanks, that’s what I thought. If I sent them to her, that would just give him the opportunity for further smearing (and he’d collect a lot of sympathy fuel). But if he opens the package when he’s alone, he’ll just have to stew in his private irritation.

  2. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

    While clearing out some boxes of old souvenirs, I came across all my ex-narc’s love notes to me, mostly on Valentines and birthday cards. I’m thinking of either sending them to him and saying that since he’s so committed to recycling, I figured he could reuse them with his new victim… or sending them to her and saying she should just consider them as written to her, since I’m sure he’s saying the same shit. I’m wondering, HG — which would annoy him more?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Send them to him.

  3. M. says:

    Ballerina 9, just to clarify here, my question had nothing to do with hoovering. HG knows that.

  4. Teli says:

    Hi HG, my narc kept on hoovering so I sent the new supply screenshots of his text messages. She broke up with him and the next day they are together and more inlove than ever. What excuse do you think he gave her? The text message was really explicit about what he plans on doing in bed so I cannot figure out how he got out of that one.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will have been smeared, dismissed as a liar, crazy, obsessed and then he will have turned on the charm with her. It is easy to do. If he hoovers you, ignore him. Do not feel any compulsion to try to warn his new prey as it is not going to work. Focus on yourself.

  5. M. says:

    HG, what kind of woman can feel relatively happy living with a narcissist? A woman who does not really care for him herself? Who, just like him, has many flirts and lovers, but stays with him so that she has a safe base and the facade of marriage? A woman who thinks, “well, he can have as many as he wants, it is me he wakes up with in the morning”? A woman who is dedicated to their dog or their children and gets the love she needs from other saurces, not from a man? A homosexual woman? A woman in complete denial of what is really happening? What I am in fact asking is, can there, actually, be a kind of woman who can have a good life (from her own perspective) with a narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Those who choose to live with and engage with our kind in a romantic relationship may do so, so long as they are willing to realise that they will always be the one who is making compromises, that the relationship will be turbulent and they will also feel like they are giving up ground. Someone who is utterly selfless and co-dependent, who thrives on giving and giving may find some succour from such a relationship but we only keep on taking until there is nothing left to give and then we will dis-engage. Thus this co-dependent may find validation by giving and giving but they will not be happy. If a woman is prepared to allow the narcissist to do as he pleases then this will work to an extent but remember we thrive on fuel so we need a reaction from you, thus we may shift behaviours to those things you cannot tolerate to gain that fuel and/or go elsewhere and dis-engage from you. If you look to play the same game as us, well that tends to be unnatural to those we select as victims, but if you did make such an alteration in your behaviour it would not be tolerated by us. We can flirt and have others ; you may not. Yes it is hypocritical but that is the way it is.

      1. M. says:

        Thank you for your extended answer, HG. I am in fact trying to understand what kind of woman his wife is. They married recently, have lived together for a year now, and he seems better and more relaxed than ever. He used to be a very angry, dark, mean person, he really looks lighter now. He says (because of course he keeps hoovering quite intensly) that with her he has found companionship and he has sorted out all his everyday problems. On the other hand, I look at her. She seems really satisfied. She looks also lighter than before. So, I keep wondering, it is as if the rules are nroken somehow. Because, until now, no woman could be happy with him -for obvious reasons-,I happen to know that. I totally understand what you are saying about the same game and the fuel factor. I am just thinking, maybe she is not playing any game, maybe she is just different from all of us. What is the deal there, I cannot tell. Thank you, again.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      2. ballerina9 says:

        HG, You should turn your great answer regarding the type of woman who could be “happy” with a N into an article. It’d be a waste other readers miss it.
        Food for thought for the gals impatiently waiting for their hoovers.

        1. 12345 says:

          Good idea. I would love to read that but I’m afraid at the stage I’m in I might try to become that person should I ever stumble an dating another narc again. Historically, I’ve tried to be exactly what other people want which leaves them not knowing who I really am. Clearly, I’ve got a boatload of work left to do.

          1. ballerina9 says:

            @12345… re-read HG’s answer again… it is very discouraging and hopeless (as we well know!)

            I wish some us posters could physically hang out, warn each other if we miss a flag on the dating scene…. It’s useless talking to friends if they haven’t dated a narc.

      3. 12345 says:

        Queue up the Stepford Wife!

  6. Patricia says:

    and yet we are expected to exist only for you and you alone…

  7. Sniglet says:

    I completely disagree with the following paragraph “It is your expectation of such faithfulness to you and you alone, indoctrinated into you by the world,..” And, you have made similar statements in other articles.

    HG, the expectation of faithfulness, when involved in a serious relationship is not necessarily an indoctrination. I believe that it is quite natural. For example, to solidify a marriage, you would have a duty of care to stay true to your wife and your children at all times. That duty is compounded by the idea that the woman would not want her cheating husband to sire bastards and squander her children’s future inheritance through division with those outside of the family. So, it is not to “you and you alone” any longer. It is to your wife and your children.

    A good mother will defend her own flesh and blood, move mountains to keep her children’s status. Foresight of security fuels her strong expectation. Very natural, and many animals do it too.

    Ultimately a narcissistic father such as yourself, as you already stated, would not care about anything else but himself. A narcissist poses a clear threat to the family through his infidelity bringing in 3rd parties for the pleasure of his cock. His logic will be gone and replaced by sensual worldly empty indulgences. After all a man can only think with 1 head at a time. A narcissist’s tendency for unfavorable dalliances and delusions of grandeur is more likely than not trouble.

    Thus, your statement is erroneous.

    (Oh, and I have not even commented on the health risks posed by the cheater to his family.)

  8. Sarah says:

    There is no future in any relationship now-a-days, full stop.
    The choices?

    1. Get to know everybody and have fun

    2. Become a recluse and deny your existance

    3. Stay indoors and pretend you know everybody and you’re having fun

    4. Have cosmetic surgery to look like that little one from the Crankies and spend your life on chat shows, explaining why you did it

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      There is definitely some truth in what you said…

  9. Sarah says:

    You’re the one that I want – do you want a vol-au-vent?
    Ooh ooh ooh… honey.

    Another hoover text tonight. NC. Either I’m the one that he wants, or his ‘potential’ new IPPS has just died. I need to suck on something for comfort.

  10. Narc affair says:

    This is why i always try to keep things in perspective. Theres no future in a traditional relationship with a narcissist with marriage and all that goes along. They can never commit to one person and the lying and cheating will destroy anything you try to build. The best you can do is take them and leave them. Take them while they treat you good and leave them when they treat you bad. How long you do this for depends on what they mean to you and the affect they have in your life.
    Never would i live with a narcissist. This is the quickest way to unmask a narc. Being with them day in and out is a recipe for disaster. They have no room to breath and deregulate their narcness in private eventually fury sets in and things start to unravel.
    Expectations need to be greatly lowered. They need way more than any one person can give. Only they can fully fill their void but most narcs will have no interest in learning how to do this,theyd rather keep doing what works and extract fuel from others.
    Narcissists are codependant on many and youll always be sharing them with a myriad of others. Youre borrowing them and their time. They will never belong to you fully. They are like a caged bird needing to fly.

    1. Ms brown says:

      ha ha …. that just brought to mind, he said to me once, “I am a butterfly, let me fly”

  11. Matilda says:

    Enraging as posts like these are… sometimes, I feel pity for you. If you do not address the void within, you will never know *what it feels like* to have a meaningful relationship.

    You will say ‘it does not matter, I am always fuelled’, which, to me, is an act of defiance, the easy way out. To live means to love, to suffer, to grow, to try again. You are not exempt from that, you choose hide from it.

    1. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

      Having dealt with a couple of different personality disorders now (including narc and borderline), I completely understand how you feel, and often feel much the same way while I sit here recovering from yet another one. A normal person behaving this way could certainly help it and is making a choice. Not so, of those with a PD. I will give you some insight that was given to me by a couple of therapists that have helped me recover. Do not be taken in by HG’s remarkable insight and ability to opine on what he and is kind are and what they do, and assume that this recognition means that they can choose to change. Their brain are not wired the same way as ours, and the view the world through a completely different lens, which guides there behavior very differently from the rest of us. They literally cannot help themselves. This is especially true of the lesser and the mid…they have no idea what they are, and believe that they are the normal ones. This might be less true of the greater, but they are still compelled by their internal wiring and the needs of their internal void to do what they do. They cannot help it. Truly. It takes many years of intense therapy to re-wire them, something most of them are unable to endure. Many, many therapists will not even deal with these PDs because of the personal and professional risks…the PDs often turn on them and destroy them as well. With all of that said, feel sympathy, but do ot from a safe distance. The fact that they cannot help it doesn’t change the facts of the horrendous damage that they do. They are not safe people in any way.

      1. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

        Sorry, many spelling mistakes above…fat fingers and autocorrect…I hate them!

      2. Matilda says:

        They might not be able to change, they might just make others believe they could not.

        They are dangerous regardless, as you rightly say. I can spot them now, and keep my distance. Progress.

  12. Suckerfornarcopaths says:

    I was recently discarded by one of your kind, and my ex-spouse, who knows this individual intimately, began sending me your blogs…so I decided I should just subscribe. It is morbidly interesting as well as very disturbing to be inside the mind of a narcopath as you so eloquently facilitate. I am still coming to grips with the devaluation and discard…at times I question my conclusions about what this person is, and then one of your blogs smack me right in the face with reality. It is very difficult for someone like me (I suppose I am an empath by your definition, and particularly susceptible) to comprehend someone thinking and acting this way for all of the reasons and goals that you describe. Sadly, she is still somewhat able to get inside my head, even though I should be armed against that. Is that normal? I will continue to read…continue to “preach the gospel” of the narcopath.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello SFN and welcome on board, you will find the material here which will provide you with understanding and ultimately freedom. It does take time however because you are fighting the emotional infection and your emotional thinking which means that enlightenment does not happen overnight.

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