Discarded (Dis-Engaged)


 Image result for surreal woman falling

The discard. Treated like refuse. Cast aside. Thrown away. Jettisoned. Abandoned.

As you know, the word Dis-Enagement is more accurate but for the sake of familiarity I will continue with the use of discard, but do understand there is no finality associated with this act.

You may actually be told that the Formal Relationship is at an end.

More usually, you are left wondering if the end has come, a further parting coup de grace to add to the cocktail of bewilderment, anxiety, misery, pain and carnage that has been left behind by our kind.

I have explained what triggers the discard, a variety of different circumstances which give rise to you being dropped, but whilst you may understand how those circumstances cause you to be discarded, there remains certain nagging questions. Why go to such effort to only leave you in the dust? Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel? Why get rid of you if we are only going to come back and hoover you?

Once again these apparent contradictions only serve to prolong your confusion. Indeed, so much of our behaviour is inherently contradictory because in being so, this allows us to generate misunderstanding and misery on your part. That equates to fuel, that equates to stopping you moving forward and escaping us and it equates to creating something that we will come back to.

Why do we go to such effort to seduce you if all we are going to do is fling you to one side?

First of all, when we seduce you, we see the manifestation of our enduring hope that you are The One, that you possess the unlimited supply of fuel which will put an end to our seemingly never-ending quest for fuel. You will provide fuel which is potent, plentiful and permanent. This is what we want. The person that means never again shall we have to seek fuel from another source. No longer need we engage in so many manipulations to keep our lifeblood flowing. Everything that we have ever wanted and ever needed is finally within our grasp. Such a promise means that we must go to such lengths to seduce you. You are our Holy Grail, restitution will be poured on our lips from that chalice and in so doing, you will grant us freedom. Freedom from the hunting, the chasing, the harvesting and the extracting. Relief from this burden that we carry – some of us doing so far more effectively than others – each and every day. This prospect is why we must seduce you, bind us to us and keep you as ours. We do not set out to discard you. That is furthest from our minds when we look into your eyes. It makes perfect sense for us to give you everything that we know that you want if that means you will remain with us and give us our precious fuel. It is a transaction. We grant you the illusion of the perfect love and in return you are to provide us with our perfect fuel. It is the ultimate deal.


Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel?

When we dispose of you, it is precisely because of our need for fuel that you are discarded. You no longer provide us with the fuel that we desire. It does not matter if from your perspective you are just as loving as you are now as you were when we first met. It does not matter that you have crawled across broken glass to fulfill our needs. It becomes irrelevant how much you continue to adore us, worship us, beg us and strive each and every day to accord with what you think that we want. You are second-guessing us to the extent that you no longer even know who you are. Your thoughts become dominated as our thoughts – what will he say to this, how will he react to that, what is the best thing to do now, should I stay or go? You can give and give and give but when the discard comes, it just is no longer enough. From our perspective, you have failed us. We must place all of this blame on you, for we have to remain blameless. Most of our kind do not recognize any culpability because they have no insight, but there are those of us, the highers, the greaters, who know you have done all you can but it is not enough. Still we must blame you, because that is the way it has to be. We are to remain superior, you are to remain inferior, because if we allow that balance to shift, then we are no longer in control and if we lose control we lose ourselves.

Yes, the rampant paranoia will cause even those of us who are greaters to continue to blame you, you are but an agent of the vicious world, a manifestation that has been sent to topple us from our lofty perch. But we also know that we must continue to blame you, even when we recognise there is no blame or perhaps less blame, because we must at all times, in all circumstances exert control. We dare not countenance what would happen if it were any other way. To do so would be to entertain the unthinkable. Extinction.

Thus, your failure is both believed and manufactured and you must be discarded because we need the fresh, edifying and invigorating fuel from elsewhere. The shiny, new and exciting appliance that has been successfully embedded during your devaluation. If this has not happened, then it is in progress or quite possibly, although rarely, about to happen, if the discard has occurred as a consequence of an emergency measure.

Our need for this glorious and fresh fuel means you have to go. We do not care if this seems unfair from your perspective. This is what has to happen. We need fuel. You are no longer providing it as we require it. You are discarded. The positive fuel has lost its lustre, the negative fuel has dimmed and so because all is as the fuel orders it to be, we must attach to the new appliance and cast you to one side.


Why get rid of you if we are only coming to come back and hoover you?

This suggests that we may as well keep hold of you if we are only going to return to you at some later juncture. Why don’t we just maintain a grip on you and save ourselves the bother of hoovering – and you the pain of discard – and keep the Formal Relationship going?

There are four elements to this answer

  1. Punishment. You let us down and we must maintain the façade that you let us down – part of the maintenance of control which I describe above – and for that you should be punished. We should not be let down. We should be given what we want, after all we consider ourselves as so entitled, therefore in failing to give us what we want and need you are in the wrong and we know only too well that if you are wrong then punishment follows. That is the way that it always has been. By discarding you in such a harsh and callous manner, we are able to dole out a punishment to you and thus we feel in control once again. You took away our fuel, that means you exerted control over something that belonged to us. We do not like you to do that, in fact we hate it. Thus, the discard allows us to punish you for this heinous act and assert control once again.
  2. Shame. Whilst our kind would never admit it outside of this arena, shame follows us like some spectre through our lives. Shame drives many of our behaviours and it is sufficient to state no more about that in the context of shame’s role with your discard. We thought you were The One and we got it wrong. This makes us feel ashamed because this failure is a reminder of something we would much rather forget about, the weakness that threatens to escape and consume us. We are ashamed that we chose badly, we are ashamed that we have been fooled again by picking The False One. Of course it would never do to admit this to you or somebody else and thus you have to be discarded. Like some diseased limb which shames the rest of the body, you must be amputated, like some infected clothing you are torn away and thrown to one side, our revulsion at our own shame causing us to fling you away. Once you have been discarded, the shame abates and we can be what we want to be once again, grand, superior, omnipotent and brilliant.
  3. Contrast. If you have not had sex for some time, when you eventually do, is it not usually the case that the sensation is all the more heightened, the orgasm more intense and the experience all the more rewarding? If you abstain from your favourite chocolate, do not drink for a month, refrain from smoking, or attending your favourite restaurant, is it not the case that when you reinstate these things it is so much better? Indeed, it is and this is just as applicable to you. By discarding you we are also allowing us to experience fuel from elsewhere so that when we hoover you, your fuel becomes delicious and amazing once again. If we remained with you, drawing the fuel that has become stale, this would never happen. We need to discard you to prime the pump for the future need. At the time of the discard, we do not envisage returning to you, but invariably it must happen because of the rule of fuel.
  4. Potency. If we had not dis-engaged from you, we would not be given the opportunity to flex our hoover muscles and demonstrate our power by drawing fuel form you once again, with or without the restitution of the Formal Relationship. Hoover fuel is potent because of the contrast and the break from your fuel, but also because we are drawing it from someone who may well have resisted our overtures – or ought to have done so – and this provides us with a huge sense of omnipotence. Imagine, we treat someone disgracefully, fling them to one side and then with our powers of persuasion and seduction we bring them back to us, to do what we want again. That is power. If we had not discarded you, then this we could not do this.


These are the reasons we dis-engage from you.

As ever you are blameless, but we must make you to blame.

46 thoughts on “Discarded (Dis-Engaged)

  1. Queen3 says:

    When disengaged, will they tell you? I’ve have asked if he is no longer interested and that question is never given a direct answer. Is that typically the behavior of a greater or mid-ranger.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is usually the case we do not tell you.

  2. mistynolan01 says:

    Love — that was touching, beautiful and inspiring. I’m thanks for sharing.

    1. Love says:

      My pleasure Misty. 💜

  3. Krystal says:

    I was with a man for only a month. (a month isnt that insane?) he love bombed me hard though.. And it is not easy for me to trust as he knew this. He was perfect in every way shape and form.
    I had an off couple of days and questioned his intentions.. Since then, given the silent treatment BUT he randomly messages me back with nothing but confusion. He will tell me I made him scared like I’ll leave at any second.. He’s never loved anyone like this before. And back to ignoring. Then randomly text back again. And ignore… It’s confusing and horrible and he has me looking crazy.now I’m hanging on… Because he refuses to give closure I need.
    He refuses to say it’s over or leave me alone. I’ve gotten nothing but crumbs and confusion.
    How do I know to move on… I’m nervous to.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I will tell you. You need to move on.
      In just your short post you have highlighted several elements of the narcissistic dynamic and manipulations.
      Go no contact. He will not give you closure – read here and my books and create your own closure. Seize the power.

    2. mistynolan01 says:

      Girl, jump off the crazy boat NOW and to be grateful that he’s letting you know what he is only one month in! You are in lust or infatuation, not love, so don’t delay until you DO fall in love and become a victim of his “machinations”.

      Do read HG’s “Manipulated” and “Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist” for help — excellent manuals.

    3. Ms brown says:

      take HG’s advice seriously and do it NOW!

    4. ballerina9 says:

      Krystal, You are so lucky to be “here” just 30 days in, and not years later and post guillotine-like discard! 

      HG’s advice to you is PLATINUM! 
      Print it, frame it, tatoo it on your arm or keep it dripping as an I.V!
      Just do it!

  4. Siobhan G. says:

    Another one bites the dust…and another one’s gone….should be a narcissist theme song..one of many 😏

    HG! Can a narcissist disengage, because of wounding only and not stale fuel. Can the fuel remain just potent positively and negatively and one still be discarded/disengaged?

    Can disengagement occur, cause the narcissist has become infatuated again with some one new. Like a kid in a candy store…sees it…must have it and partner is then detached from to seek it?

    Can it sometimes not be about our fuel , but just the endless need for more fuel based on being easily infatuated?

  5. Kim says:

    OK I understand by why is it taking so long to hoover me it’s been three months there was a malign Hoover at two months but that’s it no benign Hoovers and nothing since a month ago

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is plenty of time yet. He is focussed elsewhere at present.

      1. Kim Michaud says:

        Couldn’t take anymore I messaged him telling him I know he’s a narcissist and outlined one do he’s know what I meant since English isn’t his first language then blocked him on everything I need this to end I’m obsessed I admit

  6. Sheryl says:

    My children and I were all discarded but not entirely. He haunts our lives popping in and out. He stalks and torments. We move, he follows. I changed states, he moved into the town I relocated to. I move half hour away, he moved onto the street behind me. I can never escape. I wish he had just thrown us out. It would have been easier. I can’t seem to ever get away. What is this?

  7. AH OH says:

    Look! He has a picture of us all.

    1. mistynolan01 says:

      Some are jumping off; some are being pushed. Poor us (“eaus” as HG pronounces it!)

    2. Love says:

      Lol! I’m enjoying my fall. Going down gracefully, doing a yoga move 😉

      1. mistynolan01 says:

        You’re a joy! Making lemonade out of lemons all day!

        1. Love says:

          All day everyday!

          The way of love is not 
          a subtle argument. 
          The door there 
          is devastation. 
          Birds make great sky-circles 
          of their freedom. 
          How do they learn it? 
          They fall, and falling, 
          they are given wings. 

          — Rumi

  8. E. B. says:

    Another excellent article! The last sentence is very validating.
    Do you think it would be possible to reduce your fuel needs by shrinking your inner critic (Matrinarc’s harsh criticism, discontent and dissatisfaction)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I see force in that suggestion.

  9. mistynolan01 says:

    Some days I’m so strong as to be badass. But then I read a post like this and even though it’s meant to have the opposite effect, it just made me want to be with him again.

    I texted him that when he discarded me he didn’t give me closure. I know better than to say that or even think it at this point because you have taught me, HG, that that is the narc’s intention.

    I invited a Hoover and it’s clear why: I miss that heat that only he provides. He gave me what I knew he would — more of the drug that is the narc. I never knew phone sex could be so good. He wants to come see me.

    I like playing with fire. I’m addicted to it.

    I’m ashamed.

    1. sarabella says:

      You know what helped me with this? Really putting it out there to myself AND to him I outright told him what he was doing to me was almost erotic, the pain and eroticism turned me on, that at times, I wanted him to make me sing with it. At first I was just in a fog, reacting, being jerked around. As I grasped the dynamic, how it tied to my own core pain, I invited it so as I went down that space, contacting him, I did so with an awareness of the wounds that needed healing. I told him I didnt want him to stop sometimes, but I was no fool (in the end) and I was fully aware of what I was doing even though it was getting addictive. So I thanked him for the opportunity to heal and went NC. 3 months now.

      Don’t be ashamed but use it if you can as an opportunity to see your wounds so you don’t end up in it forever or back the victim of another narc. Be mindfull of it while its happening and use him as a learning and healing tool.

      I miss it too, but not that much anymore. He taught me to miss it more than I really did.

      1. mistynolan01 says:

        Sarabella, you are so right! Having had love entertwined with abuse of all kinds at the hands of my parents, I’m not surprised his seduction and devaluation sparked the masochistic switch. Heady stuff. (“The Secretary” with James Spader is one of my favorite movies — they made it work!)

        I know that’s a different dynamic than the empath and the narc — that will ALWAYS end badly, unfortunately for us — and them! They don’t know what they’re missing.

        I determined that I am a super empath, after reading HG’s definition, so I won’t be missing what the narc dishes out for too long!

        Hey! You made me think of the solution. Something along the lines of Fifty Shades? LOL!

      2. sarabella says:

        Everyone is different but it was what I found worked for me. And best yet was I told him, thanks for letting me do that, ‘use’ you to work out some of my issues. Now CYA. Felt a bit like pay back. He used me, I then used him both to understand the dynamic and to break free of him abd what he caused. Its always a work in progress though as he still invades my thoughts. But I feel pretty resolved to never contact him again. And he will me never hoover me, of that I am sure. Though, I was a hoover after 30 years. Fucker

  10. mykeytolife says:

    Great post if.

  11. mykeytolife says:

    This is my life at the moment. I wish I never gave him the time of day. When we were friends I tried to get him a girlfriend. He always flirted but I was not provocative like him. He seemed like all he wanted was to have fun and sex. Not a family. I had kids and was going through a divorce. I told him that I wasn’t ready because I had kids and they didn’t need a guy coming in and out if their lives. I should have listened to my gut. He was just a guy looking for a good time. He rarely finished doing anything for our family. It was always about him.

  12. Watermelon says:

    Thank you for this article HG, it is very eye opening. I must bookmark it for the next time I’m asking why the hell hr came back.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  13. mistynolan01 says:

    I’m hurting tonight. Champagne isnt translating into bubbly.

    I’m in therapy for BPD but the borderline keeps me feeling too deeply. Do I need special therapy for this shit too??

    I know it gets better, but when HG? What does it take!?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Time and discipline.

      1. mistynolan01 says:

        Ahhhh discipline, the lack of which is my albatross! DBT sessions are now focused on that. I’m learning how to “see” my emotions and not reflexively act in on them. X narc is highly irrestible, but thanks for the ray of hope.

    2. Indy says:

      Hi Misty!
      Yay DBT therapy! The combo of HG and doing DBT skills is a great combo to get through!! It helped me a ton. And, HG is correct, putting in that time and discipline is key. For me, it took minimum of 30 days of No Contact to get over the addiction of the messages from the ex. Then the longer journey of my own shit that got me in the relationship. Still working it, but you will see it!!

      1. mistynolan01 says:

        Indy — thanks for the encouragement. I’m so hopeless sometimes – I re-initiated contact a few days ago. We’re a long way apart and now speaking of traveling. I sometimes ask what in the hell us wrong with me. I’m in a better space today (thanks to HGs “you wear the guilt” post — like hell!). I won’t be traveling and back to “no contact.”

        Continued success to you!

        1. Indy says:

          It is a work in progress. Do not beat yourself up! It sometimes takes several takes! Listen, I did not learn this stuff until my 40s (keeping flexible yet firm boundaries, sticking to my values, saying no). Good for you on going back to No Contact! It is hard, I know. And, it does get better and better with time. My exes would pull the pity-play and guilt trips to attempt to get me back. Sometimes it worked in the past, sometimes not. I am stronger now though. It does take time. I see my battle scars as stripes of courage and achievement (sorta like in military). You are getting there 🙂 Thank you and continued success to you too!!

  14. mistynolan01 says:

    This broke my heart. It’s like narcs are in a prison of their own making and won’t tell those that love you what the rules are. No one can read minds. It’s not fair.

  15. MLA - Clarece says:

    You have mentioned that you have been devaluing Kim now for several months. I think she had a respite period around the holidays.
    With that happening, does that mean Andrea (her predecessor) that was your regular go-to for negative fuel is completely shelved now? Are you engaging a rotation of replacements now and Kim is the source of negative fuel?
    Lastly, do the doctors have sessions with you about this and try to intervene so Kim possibly doesn’t get as hurt or traumatized as some of your past victims?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, Andrea is subjected to a malice obsession.
      This forms part of the pro-social work.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Do past partners who escaped you rather than you choosing when to disengage get this malice obsession / “black” thinking towards them? If you chose when to discard, does that in a way keep them “good” to you or you reflect on them with “white” thinking?

  16. daddyempath says:

    HG, my ex and I got into it the other night over our child we have together. She blatantly called me honey, stating “honey I need you to listen to me..honey honey”. She has remarried and I felt this was done to purely to punish me, because her new husband is a downgrade, and I professional athlete. She asked for the divorce, so I gave it to her. After our divorce I told my supporters, she acts as if I divorced her. The aftermath she was very sadistic, now her hoovers appear to be benign. My question HG is you said that she’s fueling off of both new primary source and myself, and she hides her new husband, could she be in some early stages of devaluation and then possible dis-engagement of her new primary source?

    1. Daddy Empath says:

      How much are your sessions?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Audio US $ 100, e-mail US $ 40.

  17. gabbanzobean says:

    I guess this explains why my middle ranger has had 30+ sexual partners. That must be some fuel harvesting. Where was his wife (formerly girlfriend) during all of this? (I asked). His reply “oh we were on-again off-again…”. Yep hoovering the wife. Eventually marrying her and binding him to her with a child before heading back out to fuck the masses again. Then came my predecessor. Then me. And now….God only knows who else.

    Interesting comment he made to me when I expressed initial surprise at how he had sex with so many people. And his rationale (since of course he has no clue what he is) was….”Well I did not lose my virginity until I was 23 so when I was finally able to get it, I guess I just wanted it all the time, more and more. From anyone”. I guess this would be the type of response one would give not knowing what they are. With sex came that seduction and the general “fuel” I suppose. He has his porn too.

  18. foolme1time says:

    HG, Is there a reason why I stopped getting your posts to my e mail address?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not that I know of.

  19. Powerful image & oh so true!

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