Why Has He Gone Back?

WHY HAS HE-2

 

Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly batshit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”

 

“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”

 

“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”

 

“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she felt for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”

 

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

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24 thoughts on “Why Has He Gone Back?”

  1. Thank u HG for clarifying… I really do love your work and am gaining so much insight into narc behaviour…

  2. HG.. I am curious.. wouldn’t a narc be bored by going back to his ex? I mean after all, he knows all about her and the type of fuel she would give him..whether in sexual ways or on all his selfies and posts on social media or just being at his beck and call 24/7. Wouldn’t it be too predictable and hence wouldn’t fuel would be of a lesser potency to keep him interested? Why go back to the same old thing when he could have brand new fuel from someone else.?

    1. Hello Sunbirdie, no because of our split thinking. What was once black become white and that which was white has become black. Going back to an ex may be for negative fuel through malign hoovers or it may be to resurrect the formal relationship and/or seek positive fuel through a benign hoover. We have invested in you and we want to keep drawing on that investment. It is our compartmentalisation and split thinking which enables us to keep returning. Yes, the staleness will return in time, possibly sooner than the first time, but return we do nevertheless.

  3. Wow.wow.wow. I am BLOWN away that this piece of incredible writing is mirroring my exact experience with my Narc down to the last triad he created.

  4. Not sure if my comment went through or not. HG, is there a particulular school of narcissist that would remain with a partner long term and alternate only secondary sources of supply? Same as what school would be less likely to triangulate supply? Other then to hoover for fuel, why else would a narcissist return to a previous source?

    1. The Mid-Range is most likely to do this.
      Triangulation is evident in all the schools.
      We would return for character traits (which is not often) , residual benefits (more likely), to exact revenge.

      1. Would a mid range do this to maintain a constant fuel source or for economical reasons( can not be bothered to exert energy to bind a new IPPS to themselves regardless of stale fuel supply) or both?

  5. Hopefully people who read this article will soon be in a position to not be so desperate as to put up with this crap. HG is absolutely correct that when your ex was trash talking THEIR ex, they were projecting. Meaning: their ex was never the “bat shit crazy” one. The narc is. I remember very very clearly that conversation he and I had. He almost used those EXACT words!! At the time, a red flag was raised in me. My mistake – I ignored it! I do recall thinking: if he says that about her, he could say that about me. I was right !! But …..I ignored it ! Hind sight is 20/20. Please people, listen to your gut. LISTEN

  6. My ex had an niss after we ‘broke up’ (but we would still engage in cuddling and kissing; we could not resist). I would be jealous of her, so he finally ditched her because he said i was giving him too much stress regarding her. Also, she is overweight and he is a somatic, her weight always bothered him, and fitness is important to him. I contacted her a year later, and she said she hasn’t been in contact with him for several months, so i know he was not lying. But now, he’s in contact with her again😫

    1. Yes jenna..it seems they never really leave their ex because either the ex doesn’t know about him and his affairs and doesn’t question where he has been and with whom..and more importantly she keeps stroking his ego so he just goes back for more.. or never really leaves her even if he said he did.. 😢

  7. This stirs up so many bad memories. But, when I’m missing him and feeing low, this is the thing I need to read. Over and over. So 100% accurate that it still makes me shake my head in disbelief. Thanks for the smack back into reality H.G.

  8. Sometimes your posts break my heart and fill me with empathy for the sel-made prison in which narcissists are trapped. And sometimes your posts make me angry and provide me with perfect clarity about narcissists. Hmmmmmm. Crafty Devil!

      1. AMAZING!!!! I am planning on a return trip to explore the rest of the islands.

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