30 Shards of Ice
Words are our weapons. Easy to use, low in energy expenditure but with such potential. The capacity to charm, to flatter, to instil joy, to create desire, love and passion, to engender affection and much more besides. Words can be used to soothe, to convince, to persuade and to calm. Those words can also hurt, upset, annoy and frustrate. Cutting comments, acidic accusations and pernicious put-downs. The greater of our kind show particular ingenuity in assembling those savage sentences which cause despair and generate misery for the recipient. We adopt a considered approach in respect of the uttering of these barbed comments.
- They will be reserved most often for strangers and minions in order to reinforce our superiority and to show off in front of you, our primary source. We have no façade to maintain with the newspaper vendor, the waitress or the driver of another car. They will suffer the caustic words to allow the provision of fuel to us by their shocked and upset reaction and also from you by reason of your admiration at our masterful handling of the incompetent person serving us.
- Those who form the façade rarely receive the lash of our tongue unless they deceive us and become treacherous. For the most part those people will only ever experience the pouring of honey in their ears and the sugar-coated pleasantries which are designed to keep the loyal to us and to maintain the façade to our benefit.
- The worst of these comments is directed at you as our primary source of fuel. The issuing of nasty, malevolent and hurtful comments will be saved for you during devaluation for the purposes of causing the maximum provision of fuel and the assertion of our control. Slurs about your life, your appearance, your family, your interests, your job and your friends will be routinely hurled at you. This will happen repeatedly, like a machine gun firing our bilious bullets towards you. We also like to wield a show stopper of a comment, a particularly chilling comment which is designed to drive a shard of ice through your heart. The type of comment which leaves you in a stunned silence at the malice it contains. The nature of the comment leaves you horrified that somebody would say that to you, somebody who is meant to love and cherish you, somebody who once said the most wonderful things to you (and will do so again in about a week as the rollercoaster ride gets into its stride). These comments are designed to deliver maximum hurt, total upset and have that negative fuel pouring from you. They may leave you stunned, sickened, frightened and anxious, they will chill you to the core but our kind will always deliver them because words are our weapons. Here are thirty icy shards which are driven through your hearts.
- I will always be in your head and your heart. You will never ever escape me.
- I will not stop. Ever.
- You know, I thought about your funeral before and it troubled me. It troubled me because I would no longer be able to punish you.
- Nobody likes you, that is why your dad left you, you know. Nobody else will say it but I will.
- I hope it takes years of therapy to sort you out.
- You think this is bad? This is nothing. I am just getting started.
- I always know where you are.
- You are my puppet and I will never cut the strings.
- I know everything about you. Remember that.
- It’s strange what can happen when you are asleep.
- No matter how far you go I will always find you, because I own you.
- I only chose you because I felt sorry for you.
- You have no idea what is going through my mind right now have you? But I know exactly what you are thinking.
- Go on scream, nobody is listening.
- You are not a person to me.
- I’ve caressed you. Now I am going to crush you.
- Just think, you have already had the happiest moment in your life.
- You have told me all your secrets. Remember that.
- I’m diseased and I’ve infected every part of you.
- Nobody will ever believe what you say.
- I’m the permanent reminder of all the things you want to forget.
- I will teach our children to hate you.
- I’m going to show you what loneliness really is.
- This is happening because you are a bad person.
- I need to cleanse you and I will not stop until it is done.
- When you close your eyes you will only ever see my face.
- I will never let you go.
- I will never put you out of your misery.
- I hate her because she reminds me too much of you.
- This is what will happen for the rest of your life.
There are many more, but what have you been told which has stopped you in your tracks and sent a chill through you?
82 thoughts on “30 Shards of Ice”
My mom told us we were lucky we weren’t flushed down the toilet like some babies were. She called us ugly names and whipped us for everything we did, and not truly bad things, but like licking our tongues out at one another. Every infraction garnered the exact same fury; there was no variation in levels of fury. She kept a strap perched on the corner of a picture in the hallway as a constant reminder that any minute, for anything …
Dad was abusive in an insidious way grooming us for later further abuses. They both died relatively early in life. Now, that doesn’t make me sad.
I understand how you lived. Never being able to feel completely free, always being cautious, overanalyzing for repercussion, wondering when and what the next transgression would be and if the punishment would be verbal or physical (not that it mattered), that I was lucky to be fed, clothed, and have a roof over my head (told repeatedly) but not lucky enough to live like the other children who I saw with different lives or feel like they looked (happy). I was very seldom allowed to go to other peoples homes and when other children’s parents approached to ask if I could accompany them to something or somewhere fun it was usually declined. I was told it was because we could not afford it and we did not accept charity but I believe it was also because they didnt want me to see these “normal” lives.
Any of that sound familiar?
But I did see, and I held on to the fact that there was another way of living if I could survive the one I was in.
I chose to believe that I was sparing another that was not as strong so that I wouldnt keep looking for a reason. I also managed to hang on to the fact that none of it was my fault, but I didnt know I was looking for validation of that still, until HG did that for me through his journey and his work that led me here. I am forever grateful.
I hope that you feel validated also. It was not your fault. You had a right to be loved and not treated the way that you were but they were unable to provide that to you because of their own inabilities. They missed out on all that you had to offer them and thats sad, but you dont have to be.
Glad you fought for yourself to find a different way of life as an adult.
I too heard the line about being lucky to be fed, clothed and a roof over my head but in that my grandparents said that to one of my parents who would relay that to me and my brother. It wasn’t directed at me precisely but in a way it was in so I was to feel so grateful and lucky that I wasn’t hearing that. Even though I was.
Mistynolan…im so sorry you endured that horrendous abuse and also the loss of your parents despite them being the abusers. Life is so unfair at times. I hope you your futures a healthier happier one 💖
Keep playing at it, A, and see what happens. Said in a completely different tone than the playful conversation we’d been having up to that point.
I know S would be a great witness for me (as we watched a Dateline special on a spouse that went “missing)
Cm, my mom told us kids we chose her. Ok, in spiritual science she is right but not for a bunch of kids who love her and just having a bad day. That’s one we never let up on till this day, even though we now know she is right, if you are into that way of thinking.
I love my mother so much and miss her constantly….but she knew how to slice and dice. “You aren’t my daughter, you were your father’s first wife’s discard and I ended up having to pretend you were mine”, and my personal favorite “Why didn’t you die in a car wreck instead of your sister?”.
I looked just like her when she was young and people couldn’t tell us apart over the phone, so I don’t know why she said those things.
Of course my grandmother told me my mom said those things ‘because she always loved you the most’. Funny way to show it.
CM, I believe your mother`s behaviour is easy to explain. At first you were a small copy of her. A little clone. She loved herself in you. And you admired her. You were dependent on her. Later you became a competitior. “Snowwhite” the tale tells it all. It is typical for narcissistic mothers.
Wow cm your mother was very cold hearted. So sorry she said those things to you 🙁
My first experience was when I left my son’s father. I was 19 with a 3 month old baby boy). He told me, after threats, that “every dog has its day” while staring at me with fire in his eyes as he blocked the door. Then his behaviors indicated what he meant. (Knife slammed into a table and a hole punched into the wall).
That is awful. What a nightmare! I am so sorry that you went through that. To be so young (you were a child yourself) and with a 3 month old baby and having to deal with that crap. My dander is all-up-in-huff just thinking about how badly you were treated. It just make me want to kick his narcissistic butt all over the place. You deserved better and I am glad you are here sharing your stories with us. Thank you.
Thank you, K,
My father felt the same way. I left, returned home with parents and my father kept a gun st the door and always answered the phone. My father guarded me from him, said if you go back you will “kill your mother”…I think he meant it was killing him. My father gauarded me until I moved out of state. He went to the market with me etc as he stalked me in a very small town of 3000. My father always referred to this narc as “dumdum” 🤣 My father was not a loving man openly, but this showed me he really did love me. My father did not like my ex husband either, he thought of him as the “rich ass”. Haha I miss dad.
dumdum…snicker snicker. Love and respect. I am so happy you had your dad!
My narc husband puts his family first. Me and the kids are possessions only. He has an unusual relationship with one of the sisters and only she knows his secret bank accounts. She is a viper narc. I believe when I’m out of the picture they will collide. I Will slither out of this marriage the same way the narc slithered into my world. Seriously. And that’s my plan. I will need an Oscar when I’m done. Thanks to this blog I can do it. And I am. So basically I was never family to him in a since he never said it like your husband said to you, my narc just acted it out. Actions speak louder than words. I should post this in the enmeshed post since I see them as one. Enmeshed brother and sister. Please forget your husband said that to you. You can do it. Practice.
Yep, my Narc has a creepy relationship with his one of his 3 sisters. He says with pride, “they taught me everything I know about women.” 😳
Yuck! That is wicked creepy!
I feel certain something unnatural went on between my ex N and his sister. When he was charged with the sexual assault of our granddaughter – he disowned his sister.
Yup, I hear ya! My ex had a bizarre relationship with his mother. It was really odd, but I thought it was cultural. I am thrilled that you have the tools necessary to get you and the kids out of your situation. Now, you can mask-up and act your way out of your marriage and you will get something better than an Oscar-your freedom. Actions do speak louder than words and narcissists let us know that we do not matter and never have; we are dispensable. I try not to think of those words that my ex said to me, but every once in a while they pop-up and haunt me, but being here and sharing our stories has been enormous help. I hope you win that Oscar. I am rooting for you! Please, keep us updated.
HG, I hope you’re not collecting these to add to your arsenal…
You better pray nothing happens to your Mother (with a big smile).
Holy shit! Did he ever get arrested or charged for any violent threats acts? Jesus, that triggered some empathic anger in me. I’m sorry you heard that and went through that!!
The first Narc in my life was a lesser who threatened me verbally and with a knife (slammed it in the table inches from me) (and a car ) and it led to me leaving my home state. Small town was too small for my freedom from him.
He was in many bar fights and altercations at weddings, parties, etc. He was a very imposing man who taught phys ed in the army and boxed so was not usually on the losing end. Once his hand was split and got infected from some guys teeth but I never saw any physical damage on him otherwise.
He also told me that Fathers in other cultures would “break their daughters in for sex” so that it wouldnt be so painful later on and asked if I wanted him to do that for me. My mother sat about 6 feet away with a disgusted look and started to protest quietly. He turned and threatened her not to move or speak or she would be sorry. Nice piece of triangulation there.
I’m torn at times to tell things like that because it is from a different perspective than a romantic or intimate one and I think people find them too disturbing or dark and yet that is the reality for many children in these relationships. I expect every mother reading that would say that she would never let it get to that point or that she would leave, and yet they have all done things they thought they would never do. My mother thought that once too.
It should be a cautionary tale and yet I fear also that some will rationalize that their situation is not so bad compared to it and remain in their relationship.
That is why I say if you are with someone abusive you SHOULD go. If you have children you MUST go. Damage is done early to a child, and often before the intimate partner acts (if they do at all). Children dont have a choice.
You didnt make excuses, you made a way out. Not an easy one at that, having to uproot. Thats only one of many reasons your awesome. You are what a child expects of a Mother and what everyone should expect of themselves. Respect.
Masters of the cruel, hateful and hurtful statements. Shards of ice, indeed. Thank you HG.
Here’s one of my favorites…
“you’re just good enough to fuck”
Along those lines, I would then hear “I don’t trust you enough to share details about my personal life”.
But then he’d repeatedly tell me how he wants to put his baby in me and have “a piece of him inside me for nine months.”
MLA – Clarece
Well, isn’t that romantic. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
(note the sarcasm). If I did not live through the NPD abuse experience, then I would think this blog would be the perfect script for American Horror Story.
That is brilliant on AHS. Especially with season 7 set with a political election storyline, Ryan Murphy needs to find HG’s blog stat!!
My malignant exn started with how we would be entwined in beautiful love making but soon reduced it to I’m a great fuck. He couldn’t make babies, but he wanted to make sure I held his sperm inside me a long time.
Freaking weirdo. Always asked if there is still any still there.
Dr. Q that’s just horrible! But the way you phrase your comments makes me laugh sometimes! Just the phrasing, not the sentiment behind it.
Thank you lol! I’m a very goofy person 😂
No shame… none lmao
I think the most depressing part about it all (for me at least) is that I made all these sacrifices and put everything in… to get absolutely nothing. Ah but wait I did get a nice new bag of issues (complex ptsd).
He said those words to me like four months in the relationship Over some dumb shit!
I was a beard, a hole, a financial investment….
He never gave me anything that I wanted and I can assure you that’s no exaggeration.
I couldn’t even express myself or state an opinion that had nothing to do with him! I would either go into a state of rage and start screaming about how I would eat shit and die before he silenced me or I would go cold and he would be totally confused.
I have a few psychopathic and sociopathic friends and one in particular purposely will desensitize me to the crap my ex would say. We laugh about a lot of the lines now even though they were obviously cruel.
My friend will call me and say mid way in conversation “shut your holes … your holes are open” it’s just the way he says it we start cracking up.
X narc never called me names, but he projected nasty characterizations onto me, and “dropped bombs” and started fights wherein he’d accuse me of the worst things. Constant fights. I believe it all stemmed from that first injury I dished out when I told him that I only wanted to be friends with benefits. But that was all I wanted from him. Thank all that is good and right in the world I didn’t drop all of my guards.
This is how things started for me as well.
He said to me at the beginning ‘ I don’t want people at work to know about our relationship ‘. ( last thing I wanted) . And I laughed it off. ‘ What relationship ?- I said . We gonna see each other once in a while and have a good time’ . He only said ‘Well done ..’ He wasn’t happy but I was just being honest with him . I didn’t see the future for us and I didn’t wanted him to get too close to me cos I was scared that he will play with me for a while and drop me like a hot brick when he gets bored. I also wasn’t in a position to give him what he wanted at the time .
But he wanted and was demanding more and more of me ..sex , romantic dates, going out together, cinema ,restaurants, musicals , stand up comedy shows, weekend away etc .. and nothing was enough.
He managed to make me get close to him by creating this emotional bond.
It meant to be just fun , just sex .
He easily moved on and it’s me suffering now.
As I predicted.
Dr. Q PsyD and patty,
I am stunned by what your narcissists have said to you both. I reiterate from a previous comment, that if I did not live through the NPD experience then this blog would be a great script for American Horror Story!
The worst thing he ever said to me was, “You were never family.” I will never ever forget that. The words might seem innocuous, but he knew I always wanted a family and he knew those words would hurt me the most. They know what is most important to you and then they destroy it.
I am following a manslaughter case in my area and in today’s paper I read: “The weapons she used to kill C.R. were words, delivered by phone, mostly text messages.”
The accused convinced her friend to kill himself (via text) and then listened with her cell phone as he was dying from carbon monoxide poisoning. She is a narcissist, I think.
K, you reminded me of another one mine said. I loved his family much more than my own and felt totally accepted by them. He told me that I would never really be part of his family. They only liked me because of him. If We broke up, they would cut me off.
That really scared me until I had children. I knew then my bond to them was as the mother of their grandchildren and nothing he could do would change that,
That’s horrible the case you described. Wonder if that’s legally possible here. I’ll have to ask mine. I’ve sure never heard of anything like that!
Yeah, I know that feeling all too well. I wasn’t even a part of my birth family either. I was “stateless”. (not recognized as citizen of any county) I am using the word, stateless, out of context here because I wasn’t recognized by my biological family so I felt like a refugee. I have 3 biological children and they are my family now and I am lucky to have them. Being shunned is an awful feeling.
The case is terrible, they did date and they were both 18 at the time of his suicide. Very sad!
I read about that story also. The girl is now 20 years old and the picture I saw of her in court with her attorney, she looks so smug… and then completely hollow inside. She has nothing to offer society. I feel horrible for that son’s mother.
MLA – Clarece
The case is tragic. She does look smug and all I could think was: She is a narcissist. You are right; she looks completely hollow inside and I feel so bad for his family and friends. There was another case in California, a couple murdered a 3 year-old girl. The picture in the paper shows the mother’s eyes and it reminded me of The Void, so I cut it out of the paper. Another narcissist.
I can see why the Prosecution is pushing for this case because the sheer volume of her texts giving him his marching orders on what to do and when, then belittling him for feeling scared or having second thoughts it absolutely is criminal. She knew she had control of his mind at that point.
Last week I saw the headline blurb about the California couple along with a story in Wisconsin of “one of the worst child abuse murders” where a boyfriend beat the 16 month toddler (girl) of his girlfriend. Her body showed residual bruising and bodily impact showing it was something this poor child endured for some time. I don’t understand these women who are missing the Mother Lion gene to protect their own. There’s co-dependency but I don’t even know what you call that. Babies and toddlers are so helpless. I can’t even look at the picture of that man who did that to her. I’m hoping he dies a brutally painful death at the hands of his fellow inmates in the near future. I feel physically sick when I look at those people who commit these acts of violence. I couldn’t look at the picture of the CA couple for more than a few seconds either. Nauseating.
Wow! He waited until the holiday and then put me on a back burner. Said he met someone else and is going to see how things turn out.
I moved several states away from my family to be with him. Then I was alone right before holidays.
His words to me right then were “family is very important during holidays”. Knowing full well mine would be alone.
MLA – Clarece
The texts are shocking and sad! Manipulating another human to commit suicide is horrific. I feel so bad. There are no words to describe the insanity that we see in our world. Sometimes I feel tremendous sadness. I didn’t know about the Wisconsin baby…it is very upsetting to think about how badly she was abused. The mother must have known. I hope he gets brutally killed in jail, too, and they should arrest and charge the mother. That poor baby…there was no Mother Lion gene in that woman. I couldn’t even read about the CA woman; I just cut out the picture. As an empath, I wish there was a way to protect all children born into this world but there isn’t. Little angels that need love but get beaten. it is heartbreaking.
Yeah , I haven’t experienced physical violence or even name calling from the men I was seeing but the things he said to me hurt me deeply and cause damage.
Omg thats so sick. Shes obviously a sadist too 🙁
Something like ‘if you do not learn to forgive, you will end up dying alone and it will be your fault!’. ‘So what?’, I replied. His fury ignited as he realised his words could not hurt me any more. The good thing about being numb is that you genuinely do not give a damn. 🙂
“So What!” I couldn’t agree more. I would rather die alone then put up with another narcissist! After a while, you do become numb and the words just bounce of you, like a suit of armour.
That’s exactly what happened, K.
They also tend to repeat themselves, so, after a while you will have heard it all! It does not shock or hurt any more, and you just focus on striking back equally viciously.
I did not recognise myself anymore, felt as if I was turning into a monster. That’s when I knew the fighting had to stop.
Matilda, me too.
I got tired of his ‘shock and awe’ and fought back hard. Then after I exposed his true colors to someone, and saw what a mess it all continued to be did I decide I had to just cut him out of my heart and I just had to try harder to do so. Told him I cut him out once before (first cycle 30 years ago) so I could do it again.
Just imagine how omnipotent he must have felt ensnaring you again after 30 years!
We think we are defending ourselves well, wounding them willingly… but they are *enjoying* the fight whereas we are wearing ourselves down to the brink of total collapse.
It took me a while to understand that. And I shut it down just to rob him of this satisfaction!
Yes, I didn’t like what I was turning into either. I felt like I was an abuser too, although I was defending myself. I saw our daughter cry and I knew it had to end. It was so sad. What a bloody mess!
A bloody mess, indeed, K! If we had known then what we know now, we could have saved ourselves a lot of heartbreak… but I am grateful for the insight I have gained so far 🙂
Ditto, Matilda! I am flipping it and looking at it as a learning experience, too. It is we can do at this point.
Exactly, K! 😀
I texted him once and said I won’t let him humiliate me any more.
He said, “you woke me up for that? Fine. I will not humiliate. You are no longer my victim.”
If you knew him, you would know he wasn’t kidding.
The discard was horrible a month later and then he met someone and married her within 3 months and shoved it in my face.
That’s amazing that a narc would just admit it straight out, maybe he knew he had been exposed in your mind and there was no going back. But narcs usually try to convince you until the bitter end, that they are misunderstood.
and then dumping you a month later because he knew that he needs a victim :-0
I hope you die of cancer or HIV.
I’m glad your baby died
One of HG Tudor’s exes has found his site?
Doubtful, Brian. He wouldn’t have posted it then.
I think she is saying what she was told by an ex. 🙁
the plot thickens
Mine told me he hoped I died as well. Absolutely disgusting!
Linsey, why would you be glad an innocent baby died?
It was my ex that said this to me. I lost a baby in a previous relationship and he through it back in my face along with many other things
Thank you for clarifying linsey. I’m really sorry you lost your baby. And i’m sorry your ex said such hurtful things to you.
Linsey, thank you for the clarification. And i apologize for the misinterpretation on my part. I am sorry you lost your baby and i’m sorry your ex was not sensitive about it. Stay strong. Sending you hugs.
Linsey, the first time i replied to you my comment disappeared. I wanted to ensure you receive it, so i tried replying a second time. But now both comments are showing up. Just wanted to explain the reason for duplicate comments.
I’m sorry you were told that and list your baby 🙁 I had an ex that told me he hoped I died of AIDS too, right after he begged me not to divorce him. Those switches from hateful to pathetic to hateful words blow my mind.
Wow! There’s a language translation drop box below and I tried it just now it works. That’s awesome.
I can only choose languages from a-i . Can’t scroll further for some reason.
My most memorable were
1. If I ever want to get rid of you, I’ll just have you committed (he knew about my mother looking at me in shock when I was about 8 and saying,”Oh my God! You’re mentally ill”, and how that had warped my life).
2. All of your friends really think these things about you, too. They’re just afraid to tell you to your face. They laugh at you and talk about you behind your back.
Just thinking about my earlier comment. It was 53 years ago my mother said that to me and not only do I still remember it, it still causes pain. If that’s not testament to the power of words to hurt and control a person, I don’t know what would be. 🙁
Your mother’s words weren’t even directed at me and I am upset by them. I can’t imagine how you felt then and now. I am truly sorry for the pain she has caused. I am going to go off and have good cry now. Got your 6, Windstorm2. Love and respect.
1. That is a terrible thing for an 8 year old to hear!!! And then to have it thrown back at you! Horrible! I am sorry your mother said that to you.
2. My ex told me all my friends think I am crazy and talk about me behind my back, too. Really, this whole experience is nightmarish!
It is terrible K, but that’s what they do. I was her main source of negative supply. I criticized her by not behaving like she wanted me to. Hurting me made her feel better and how she felt was all that was important to her. She never changed, but then God knows I never did behave like she wanted!! 😝
1. You can’t hide yourself from me
2. You’ll never be guarded enough for me