Narc Magnet

narc-magnet

You are a magnet. You attract our kind. You have done so at least once and you will continue to do so. Again and again. There is no hope for anything else. As an empath, super empath or co-dependent you radiate with the traits which draw us to you. Hitherto you had no awareness that this was the case. You would enter a room and be oblivious to the heads that turned your way as our kind detected your presence. You would have noticed that you were receiving the attention of people, but back then you had no knowledge of who was engaging with you or why that was the case. You have several sets of traits which appeal to us. These are the empathic traits, the class traits and the special traits. It is your empathic traits which stand out most of all.

These are evident in the way that you behave, the words you say, the gestures you use and the expressions that form on your face. The way your interact with people, the way you look about a room, the way you walk, the way you sit, the place you decide to sit and so many other things indicate to us your empathic nature. In the same way that everything we do is marked with the taint of our narcissism, everything that you do is stamped with the essence of your empathic traits.

When you walk into the hunting ground of our kind, you are identified promptly as exhibiting potential. It as if you give off a fuel signature, like some kind of scent which our kind smells and recognises as soon as you come near. You once did not see the Lesser as he leant against the bar and noticed you as soon as you entered the premises, his eyes fixed on you as he observed your entrance. The Mid-Ranger would look up from where was sat and find himself drawn to you, that unmistakable essence which you give off, being picked up and identified. Both Lesser and Mid-Range would not know why they wanted to engage with you save that they felt a compulsion to do so.

This need arises in the same way that a lion knows that it is hungry and therefore it must find some prey. The Lesser and the Mid-Ranger’s antennae twitch as you the empath walk through the bar. They are alerted to your presence and then they will watch and pick up on the other indicators which tell them what you are.

The Greater sees you and knows what you are. His lascivious grin indicative of the thoughts which are running through his mind as he begins to assess your suitability. You are signalling to him who you are, that you are empathic, that fuel is passing him by and an opportunity has presented itself.

Once upon a time you were oblivious. You walked through this den of narcissistic intent, unaware of the parasitic creatures that waited to climb down from their waiting perches so that they could engage with you, coil about you and draw you into their web with their silver-tongues and charm. You just thought they were being pleasant, polite and taking an interest. You had no idea how much danger you were in as you allowed your empathic traits to shine like a beacon. Each and every day you radiated these traits, issuing a sub-conscious “come and get me” to our kind. How good it felt to receive this attention. How pleasant it was to be courted in this manner.

As our kind picked up on your empathic scent and were drawn to you, they sought additional confirmations, assessing your class traits and hopefully special traits too, through a combination of instinct and design, dependent on which school of narcissist you had engaged with.

You do this as as easily as you inhale and exhale. Your traits are imprinted on you and they are indelible. They are part of your core and you cannot remove them. You cannot flick a switch and turn off these empathic traits. They are you. Imagine you will if some kind of glasses were created which allowed a physical representation of your empathic traits as hues of red light. If one donned those glasses and looked into this hunting ground as above, a bar perhaps, then one would see several things.

First there would be the normals who would have a slight red glow about them, indicating some empathic traits but limited in number and extent. There would be the dark and empty spaces which are where our kind lurk, the empathic traits completely devoid. Next one would see the dancing trails of scarlet and rose that signify the empath. The roaring flames of riotous red which blaze and indicate the presence of the super empath and then the supernova of bright red which is the signature of the co-dependent. As your gaze swept the room, one would see these differing hues and varying intensity, all indicative of the ever present empathic traits.

It is impossible for you to become incognito. You are unable to remove your empathic traits. You cannot switch them off and pass undetected. Accordingly, you will always stand out to our kind. You will always be identifiable, you will be seen and therefore if our kind is in the vicinity, whether physically proximate or through the accessibility of technology, we will be drawn to you. Like sharks which scent blood, like the hungry dog which smells meat, we pick you out and converge on you in anticipation of the fuel that will flow from you.

You will aways be a magnet for our kind. You have been created with empathic traits and you will always keep them. You will remain that beacon which we see and flock to. You will always attract us.

Of course you may learn to dampen down the manifestation of your empathic traits by altering some of your behaviours. Certain actions, words and gestures might be reduced, lessened and altered to reduce the extent of the empathic traits which you exhibit, but your traits always shine through and you cannot maintain this cloaking for long. It is contrary to who you are how you conduct yourself. Your empathic traits are so extensive that even when you have suffered the beasting at our hands and mouths, that when you have been drained, numbed and exhausted, the empathic traits will remain.

The empath will not shine with them as brightly and following the full horror of the devaluation and discard,t he empath will not function with such an obvious display of empathic traits because the brutality of the treatment will cause some diminution in function and display.

The super empath will continue to display these empathic traits because this person has the capacity to endure so much and then still have sufficient function to escape what has happened, once there is the eventual realisation as to what has happened. Once the super empath has had enough, they will seek their escape and their empathic traits continue to shine brightly.

The co-dependent, no matter how brow-beaten, how ground into the dirt he or she is, will continue to exhibit those empathic traits because the co-dependent would rather give you his or her last breath rather than take it for themselves. They continue to give, even when there seems there is nothing more that can be taken and thus their empathic traits remain on display.

This is why it is so often the case that you are almost passed from one of our kind to another. You are discarded but your empathic traits remain evident and thus another of our kind flocks to you, ready to gorge on the fuel which is generated by your empathic traits. Even if you escape, you continue to signal your suitability to us. You are unable to do anything other than stand out in this way.

It is only when you have gained the insight and understanding into knowing who it is that you keep attracting and why, that you finally learn what to watch out for. You cannot change what you are, indeed, why should you? What you can alter is your ability to identify us when we make that bee-line for you. As you radiate empathic traits, we also exhibit the narcissistic traits which once understood and once recognised in the behaviour of the everyday, mean you finally see and take notice of the red flags, flashing lights and blaring klaxons which herald this danger.

You will always be destined to be a magnet for us. That will never change. We will flock to you, be attracted to you and seek you out, our instincts seeking that scent of the empath which tells us that our needs will be met and fuel will be provided.

You will draw our interest and attention because the empathic traits flow from you. You will, once you gain the knowledge and understanding, know who it is who has joined you at the bar and flashed you that winning smile and then you can the seize the power.

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162 thoughts on “Narc Magnet”

      1. As in a person who willingly submits to a dominant person in whatever agreed capacity. If i asked you in what sense you were narcissistic that would not neccessarily make sense, you just are.. and so it is for some submissives. Many i guess might also consider themselves codependant, just on another level. It is perhaps not something you have not come across….am just speaking as someone who must have a beacon, neon flashing lights and a loud hailer when it comes to attracting narcissists…so naturally curious HG. Maybe you have something written elsewhere which might also be usefull ??

  1. Ok I think she’s a mid, we broke up over the phone, though she used a pity play and guilt, accusing me of not liking her as a person and only for what she looks like, when that didn’t work it quickly escalated to fury and she ended the call. I blocked her on social media. Then she threatened to report me to the police if I didn’t return her jacket.
    Shortly after that the smear begun (but I wasn’t made aware of it yet)
    I tried to explain myself the following day by text, which followed by a response where she rejected me (even though I wasn’t trying to get back with her I just want it to end more peacefully) and then silent treatment for 2 days.
    Until I missed a call from her asking me what date the jacket we being returned.
    Jacket was returned with proof of signature so she couldn’t say she never received it and her number blocked.

    I just went through igniters of fury and it was very amusing. Particularly not wanting your appliance to see their friends. I remember when she asked me what im doing at the weekend and I said I’m seeing one of my friends and she switched saying “this doesn’t feel right” when I tried to make her explain herself she pulled back telling me to have a nice weekend and that we don’t need to talk about it, and because i wouldnt let it go she said that I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s something she will talk to her therapist about.

    I wonder HG would you ever tell an appliance you see the good doc? I wouldn’t think it’s something a greater would reveal?

  2. I believe I may have attracted another narc, this time a female, unsure as to whether or not she’s lesser or mid range at this stage.
    It only lasted a month and because I ended it, she’s tried to smear me on social media claiming I’m at narc, bringing up my past relationships with men and saying I can’t turn gay because I was abused by a man. She knows a lot of lesbians do not like bisexuals so she is playing on that to make me look bad in the gay community which is very small and everyone is connected.
    I started thinking something is “wrong” with me and that I must be attracted to abusers, so it’s helpful to know abusers will come for me regardless due to what HG has described and that I must always be prepared.

    HG I believe you have articles about how the lesser and mid will react after no contact, could you please point me in the right direction?

  3. HG I want so bad to get just a tiny little bit of revenge on the one that broke my heart…. I want to humiliate him but not cause any real harm just enough so it embarrasses him? is there any specific things that you can think of that would work on a narc?

      1. If I remember correctly, Mr. Tudor has embedded some of his own pics in the blog pics – similar to da Vinci with the Mona Lisa. I believe one of the pics is of Mr. Tudor’s hands.
        Sarah, you might be in luck – you’ll get to see all 10 digits.

      2. Love All I know is one caught my full attention, I noticed others but this particular one……It stirred many things within
        I have wondered thou if I am wrong, if/when he decides to reveal himself I will get my answer. I am just scared if I ask he will say yes.

      3. Twilight
        So youd rather be stirred than shaken?
        Im quite sure our host can accommodate both.

      4. Lol Love
        If I tell you, it isn’t asking him and I believe he should be the first to know the question to decide if he wants to give an answer, it is about him after all.

      1. Narc Affair
        He has identified previously that that is him pointing at you on the post Your Fault. I look forward to your hand analysis and guess.

      2. What about his palm? You could read about his life, fate, mind, and heart! 😉

      3. I’ll stick with reading his work. Im torn about his eventual reveal.

      4. I think its more fun guessing. Its become hg,s tradenarc remaining anonymous lol maybe each million we can get a different pic puzzle piece of hg 😂

  4. So what if we are magnets for narcissists? Empaths are exceptional and we have the ability to do exceptional things…..We aren’t more attractive to the narcissist because we are more vulnerable than most it’s cause we are more powerful than most

  5. Oh my gosh HG I just saw 5 million is right around the corner for you. Wasn’t it roughly a month ago you hit 4 million?

      1. On June 25th, HG will celebrate Tudor Style. 
        On Full Fuel Filling Mode.
        With The Mode. 
        In Rome.

      2. Yay!!! HG is converted to baking!!! What will be on the cards? Recipes for superior Hoover avoidance? Ingredients for a decent escape? Gluten free relationships? (jk).

      3. Dude! What about dessert? That last comment had a dark ominous tone! Got any sweetener?

      4. HG
        Short recipe to laminate.

        The Narc/Empath dynamic:

        One part cluster
        Two parts fuck.

  6. Narc magnet -mosquito magnet at the moment I don’t see much difference.
    I dislike the the tiny flying blood sucking hypodermic needles

  7. One way to weed out a narcissist is the fact that they suck in bed.
    How can one who only cares about himself make love to another?
    Not possible.

    1. Some do Janice, mainly the Victim Narcissist, but Somatic and Elite do not at all. Their sexual proficiency is a central plank of the seduction and thus an accomplished performance is provided.

    2. Very possible, Janice. My experience was the exact opposite, most of them were great in that department.

      1. some of the Narcs are best in that department that is too because of their ability to fool us with small (so called) gestures of love and intimacy.

  8. attracting narcs does seem inevitable, however it’s not impossible to make it clear to them that they will find no purchase, hold no traction – i.e. they will not get what they seek from this empath. It’s all about how we respond to their initial attempt to ensnare…

    I’ve met a good 20 other narcs.. possibly more… since leaving… ignore, don’t give fuel, do not react, pretend they do not exist or respond in a way they cannot cling. most of all make sure you’re secure in who you are and that your self-worth is solid and that it no longer depends on the approval of others. It can be difficult to deny empathy but it can be necessary.

    1. to be more clear: iot can be difficult to deny empthy towards a given person but it can be necessary to refuse it to narcs

  9. I’m feeling quite safe from predators actually. When I interact with others, I automatically scan their words and actions for BS and act as the situation demands. My default mode is grumpy. Men don’t like grumps. You have to be bubbly, smiley, and overall lovely. I’m not! 😀

  10. Maybe HG is trying to rid narcissists from the genetic gene pool. Afterall, it is the empath’s mistake.

  11. I think I might adopt a Panda for £2.99 a month. At least his letters letting me know how he’s doing won’t be fake.

  12. I fell in love with my first narcissist at 10! What attracted me was his kindness, his good manners and his shyness (I translated it as mystery), but he evolved into a rather mean character from 16 and on. We could never have a real relationship (my choice, I had better defences back then) Now I do not speak to him, I cannot stand him . But I find incredible that I “spotted” the guy when he was just a kid-and he spotted me as well. Recently, after having read a lot of HG, I realised that many of my ex boyfriends were narcissists or had strong narcissistic traits. Let me count… Seven?

  13. Hi HG,
    About the “usual suspects” (the few Narc readers we have here, but unaware they are N.). They cannot ‘feel’ a broken heart, so why do they come here for? What answers are they looking for? Just wondering.
    Thank you

     

    1. They come because they think that they are victims of our kind and wish to gather fuel through talking about their experiences. They wish to smear their true victims by labelling that person as a narcissist. They want to gain answers which they can utilise off blog for the purposes of telling others “yes I learned such and such did this, she/he is a narc, just as I said”. Remember, we do not know what love really is, we think we do and therefore for example a MR will think he is heart broken when really he is wounded.

      1. We know what Love is, she is clearly an Empath….oh, you mean “love”…that “second hand emotion”..silly me, my mistake, continue on 😉

      2. Lol Indy! 😂 Or I may just be a very lousy narc. Not even qualifying to be in any of the classes or cadres. I’ve been told I’m way too emotional all my life. I have failed as a narc! Hence why I stay in Mr. Tudor’s remedial class.

      3. Thank you HG for this in-depth answer. Fuel and Wound. I should have known.
        Strange to imagine a N googling “silent treatment”!! and landing on your site, reading, and not recognizing his/her own behavior.
        When you say they have no clue what they are, you are not joking!

         

         

      4. True but that is because of the narcissistic perspective and the fact that it is the other person who is at fault.

      5. That is so true Mr. Tudor. My female narc friend calls all her lovers narcissists. Yet, she cheats on all of them, uses them any way she can, and verbally rips them apart when angered. At a recent party, she became furious at her current lover for ‘talking too long’ with another woman. In her anger, she told him out loud for all others to hear that he is nothing, and will always remain a loser. Ironically she was with another man the day before.
        Then she gathered a circle of women and stated that he is a narcissist – mean and unloving.

  14. Yes, I am learning here to identify all the different types of N and to control my traits. And I think one not so distant day, I will live happily ever after with myself… And maybe a dog.

  15. This article was very frustrating!!! All the writer said was that empaths attract narcissists – over and over again in very fluffy words … but not once did the author give detailed information about what an empath does or exhibits to attract them nor did the author give any information on how to identify a narcissist! I’m done!

      1. HG
        Will you ever fess up that you can also spot a juicy empath by how many exclamation marks they use in one short post?!!!!!!!!!

    1. Angela
      I am an empath and I have always recognized an empath when I saw him or her. I just never understood why or how, only that I was able to recognize them. Being here has taught me about instinct and paying better attention to red flags. As for the narcissist, you need to read the many posts and comments here and then you will get an idea of how they work. The coverts can be very difficult to discern. It takes practice, but I am getting better.

    2. Angela
      Oh you just missed “solve all your problems in one post” day. That was last week. Pity.

      In other news: Helen Keller can see why theyre attracted to you.

      1. Oh NA! You tease! He told us it was a secret. Now what should we talk about since we’re healed?

        Gluten free biscuits? Lavendar oils?
        *Peddling on the corner of HG and Hades*

  16. I do not know if anyone is familiar with the children’s book, The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein. I think the tree in the story is a co-dependent. She gave all her apples, branches, and her tree trunk to the boy in the story and she was just a stump with nothing left to give and she was unhappy, so she offered the boy her stump as a seat, and then she was happy again. Crikey! What the hell!

    1. Oh, no kidding!!! That book always creeped me out. A teacher read it out loud at a faculty meeting as how she felt we should be for our students! It was all I could do to sit still and keep a straight face! I never understood how people could read that and like it!! 😱

      1. Love, your reference to the movie American Pie was wicked funny. It is so important to have a good sense of humor here.

        Indy, levity is a valuable asset here and I appreciate your humor; I felt sad reading the book too.

        NarcAngel, the book is a trip, even more so after reading all of the posts and comments here regarding co-dependency. your comment “One thing is for sure: History shows no good comes from fucken apples.” was hilarious!

        MLA – Clarece,”save for a few rotted ones to throw at his head.”
        I agree! Ha ha ha ha. There is no reciprocity with narcissists and I will never look at the book the same again either.

        Windstorm2, Hear hear! There will be no more “noble sacrifices” or abusive relationships for me anymore. You are right the tree was a victim and the message is appalling.

    2. But why let her apples go to waste? They were meant to feed others – to nourish him. Her wood was meant to keep him warm. And her stump was a place for him to rest.

      1. The tree could have been a home for birds, mother to more trees, etc…. It’s giving until you die, due to others taking and not giving back. Codependency. 🙁

      2. Love and Indy

        Maybe her stump had a knot hole she needed filled with wood. Maybe her big red juicy apples the were just a lure.

        One thing is for sure: History shows no good comes from fucken apples.

        You both have good points so let us ponder…….Which is better? To die doing what you love or remaining alive to be useful for others (birds, mother to more trees). With respect Indy-that sounds a little co-dependent also.

      3. Lol NarcAngel. Didn’t the movie American Pie teach us what could be done with a warm apple pie? Maybe the boy caught on to that idea quickly.

      4. 😂🍎 I love that you went there, Love!

        BTW, yes girl, you ARE an empath for real, silly! Not remedial! You are nicer and sweeter than I could ever be! I could not respond to your other comment so I put it here.

      5. Hi NA,

        It does, good point! Both still give. Let me think, how can a tree not be co-dependent? They just stand there. Making fruit and leaves.

        Anyone got some special brownies, because this is totally a midnight smoke convo 🤣

      6. Indy
        When the tree passes out from Kush can you hear it fall? Whooaaahhh dude!!!!!!!!!

      7. No brownies, Indy, only rum, but here’s my 2 cents. Instead of fulfilling her destiny as a tree, she gave her whole life to someone else’s selfish needs. Someone who only ever saw her as an object, and never really cared about her. If you see her as doing what she really wanted and being “noble” in her sacrifices, do you see women who stay in abusive relationships and end up sacrificing their lives for their narcs as noble? Do you think that codependent women who stay in abusive relationships are happy? I’d so, then ok we’re all entitled to our opinion, but for some of us who have been there – we KNOW there is no real happiness in sacrificing yourself for someone who doesn’t care about you. And we see the tree as the victim she is. And reading a children’s book that glorifies being a victim is appalling to us.

      8. Hi Windstorm2,
        Totally agree, being used like she was in this book was completely codependent and not a fulfilling existence at all. Yeah, been there too. Truly. It was a little joke thought I had about how can a tree be free? Doing tree things….then my humor went a bit down the silly road. I didn’t mean to minimalize at all. I actually battle my own signs of codependency pretty regularly. No disrespect intended.

      9. Didn’t pick up on any disrespect, Indy. If anything I’m the one to go down the rabbit hole! I have no trouble imagining trees living their tree lives and enjoying tree things! My empathy is not limited to the animal kingdom. I identify with plants as well! 😄

      10. (I should prob stop on making brownie jokes, I really didn’t mean to make light of a serious topic. yall will start thinking am a regular stoner, really I do not partake often. My brain Just thinks like that sometimes-silly space cadet thoughts)

      11. That was one my daughter’s favorite books in kindergarten and I got her the hardcover book and wrote a sentimental note to her about my unconditional love for her just like the tree had for the small boy when she entered first grade.
        Flash forward about 18 months ago when I stumbled on this blog and was learning but still a hot mess. My daughter pulls the book out to read with me for old time’s sake.
        I felt like I was going to have a complete barf-o-rama fest by the end. I would tell that tree to hoard her apples save for a few rotted ones to throw at his head.
        I can never look at that book the same way.
        True, reciprocal love would have been the boy planting a tree next to his when he grew up and moved away, so the giving tree would still have company.

      12. Yes, that would be much better! A tree friend! Yeah, my son had this book too, I always felt sad reading this one. I always wanted to read another book after, like Bill and Pete Go Down the Nike. Nothing like an allegator-bird friendship. 😉 It was a bit unhealthy, since the bird was also
        His toothbrush( can anyone say objectification lol) , but I digress…

        *im in a silly mood

      13. My other favorite storybook when my daughter was younger and getting into school was “The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn. It’s basically how a Mother Raccoon makes her baby raccoon brave to leave her to start school by taking his paw and kissing it, then folding his claws over it to protect it. Whenever he gets lonely, scared or thinks of her, he can open his paw and feel her kiss on his face to know she’s with him.
        Even now, once in a while, if my daughter has something she’s apprehensive about, she gets a kiss on her hand to know I’m with her.
        And I didn’t have to wear myself down to a stump either…

      14. I havent read this tree book, I just noted both Love and Indys take on the giving and taking. I personally dont see any nobility in giving all of your resources away but seeing it as giving out of love vs exhausting your resources is apparently different for everyone. Some would stop at giving away all of their fruit, others would not see it until they had become a stump.
        It sounds like the interpretation depends on where you are in the dynamic as per Clareces example. Makes you wonder about other things directed at children. I know many nursery rhymes are dark, and on the other hand, have always thought Disney (at least the early ones) painted an unrealistic view of the world for them. Tough balance for parents.

      15. Clarece, what a beautiful note to write to your daughter ❤ I know she will cherish it always.

      16. Love
        Youre going about this all wrong.
        Its no fun if you just give them your apples. They want to pursue you, break you and then take them. Try spouting fountains of fuel in every direction but theirs and watch the show lol.

  17. Is it quite typical HG for those of us who are likely to be ensnared by one for your kind as an IPPS or IPSS are just as likely to be ensnared during friendships and with work colleagues ? How does this dynamic play out between your N partner and your N friend ?

    1. Yes, your susceptibility to our kind means that the risk of being ensnared as a colleague or a friend is high and then of course your ensnarement through those channels presents a risk of you being ensnared thereafter in a romantic setting as you are promoted to IPSS or even IPPS, since this results in better fuel for us.

      1. Ah thanks HG, just seen this. I think I didn’t explain the end part of my question very well. In fact I didn’t because I’ve just re-read what I wrote.

        How does the dynamic between the N friend of an empath and the empaths N partner. Do they hate each other ? Compete for the attention of the empath ? Is it always the intimate partner who wins ? Does the pleutonic N give up ?

  18. Truth be told…..we are attracted by your kind as well and that is the problem. It shouldn’t be like this. Because even if we know, we can’t stop it easely. It’s a true entanglement very hard to break.

  19. This article is very sobering. My take away from it is that these creatures are always lurking, but if we stay knowledgeable and vigilant, their ploys will not work. The red flags and gut instincts were present with both of my exes, I choose to overlook them. I will continue to date, laugh and enjoy life. The narcs in my life were not worth the time I gave them and definitely not worth my future happiness. While those experiences did hurt, I refuse to be a victim. I will continue acquiring knowledge so if another narc finds me he better be ready for a fight.

    Thanks H.G.

  20. I had noticed a special kind of men around me about 15 years ago. I remember I talked about it with a friend of mine, which was also a lover.
    I tried to explain my perceptions of this particular behaviour the best I could but he couldn’t really give me an answer. He wasn’t one of them.
    At that time I was under attack by an engineer I worked with. I would find him stearing at my bottom at the copy machine, or he would literaly wait for me to finish my work to meet me “by accident” at the exit door just to say “goodby”.
    He was very, very handsome and I liked him but he never asked me out. He was all over me during work hours, so much that everybody noticed it and were talking about it but if I approached him just to talk he was acting “superior” to me.
    He was saying to other people that I was dressing too sexy (!) , wearing too much perfume and he couldn’t concentrate on his work (!!!)
    When I talked to him about these things, in a polite manner and also hoping he’d asked me out, he denied everything and acted like I was the one trying to seduce him. He quit work after that. He never came back to work!!! I kept receiving phone calls where nobody answered for months.
    It was horrible!

  21. I was where you are, but I can see the good in people. I’ll continue to interact, knowing people best serve their own interests. I don’t think I’ll ever date again. I’ve been celebrate 2 years, but I am still complete, because I complete me. I’ve come a long way from that woman who wouldn’t leave her room or bed and cried for years, all day long.

    1. Good for you, Jess! Reading your earlier comment we have many similarities. Our children, grandchildren and even the dogs give us strength, love and support to be the best women we can be.h. Happiness comes from being at peace with yourself.

  22. I think narcissists and codependants attract each other bc theyre both codependant and fit together so well but in a dysfunctional way. Both are looking to the other to fill their lack of self love. Someone who loves and respects themselves wouldnt stay with someone who abuses them and thats why they attract. The narc knows a good supply source is one who will put up with their bs bc they lack the self love to leave and the codependant needs someone to reflect back the love they struggle to give to themselves despite it being a manufactured fake love. The two cling together in a codependant dynamic drawing from each other what they think they need when its from within that they need to find it.

    1. Narc affair
      It is so true. They are looking for the “It Girl (Boy)” and we are, too. It reminds me of that song in Urban Cowboy, Lookin’ for Love, by Johnny Lee. But it really does come from within and that is where I am looking for love from now on.

      1. Hi k…ive researched self love quite a bit and found it doesnt just happen when you try to love yourself its the result of “doing”. Practicing daily things that show yourself you love and respect yourself. Some of those things are setting up boundaries and standing by them, learning what your beliefs are and placing importance in them, kind self talk and bejng mindful what you feed your brain both thru external sources and also the thoughts you feed yourself thru the day, surrounding yourself with likeminded people and getting toxic people out of your life. Theres so many ways you can love yourself but its from the “doing” that you actually “learn” to love yourself. Much like a relationship actions are what matter. So its a growth cycle and you dont just wake up one day and say i love me. No you have to do the work to feel that love and for self respect to grow. Thats what most victims want a narvissist to do for them and its impossible only we csn do it for ourselves.

      2. Narc affair
        I couldn’t agree with you more. I am setting up boundaries; no more toxic people in my life. You are right about putting it into practice. We have to love ourselves first, so we are happy and healthy and then we will have better and stronger relationships. And, it does take time and patience. The more time I am away from my ex, the more I realize just how unhealthy that relationship was. Many of us here experienced a complete lack of reciprocity with our narcissists and you are correct; it is impossible to expect anything from them. We must do it for ourselves. Your advice is excellent, thank you.

      3. Hi k…i came across a few videos on u tube about self love and what i wrote in my post is what was said. It really shocked me bc i was surprised its something you gain thru practice and doing. I thought you tried to be more patient and loving with yourself but its way more than that. Just like in a relationship with another person you show them you love them thru your actions towards them. You prove your love. Same thing with ourselves. Also self respect is something that develops thru doing these self love acts. Discipline too. Learning to know whats best for you regardless what you might want and doing it. You start to respect and trust yourself. It takes a long time im sure. Im learning all tgis but have not yet done the work to get there. Its promising tho having come from a childhood where i never knew self love that its possible to learn this on my own.

      4. Hello Narc affair, it is sad because many of us here came from homes with little or no love. But, on a positive note, we are all here sharing our stories and learning how to recognize unhealthy relationships and how to avoid them. It does take awhile but it is possible. Light and hope!

    2. The most interesting partner( in my opinion) for a narc is bpd? The facade, mixed emotions and inconsistencies cause them to do the dog head tilt.🤔

    1. Dr. Q PsyD, I like you just the way you are and I read all your posts and trust everything you write. Thank you.

      1. Thank you K – ur awesome and I appreciate u supporting me!

        Hugs from afar

      2. Thank you K! I appreciate you supporting me! Hugs from afar!!!!

  23. Absolutely spot on.

    Really unconfortable to read, especially hard for me was “you have been passed around from one to another” Narc & to know that my last 3 relationships in 10 years were with Narcs (Lesser, Greater which was the longest, Mid-range).

    H G Tudor, you have indeed helped me to understand them & other really great resources have helped me understand me (Super Empath/ Co-dependent) and one thing you are right – I can not change my nature nor do I want to.

    An amazing thing has happened. I no longer want to change who I am to take “power” over the Narcs who passed through or are still in my life. That is the waste of my nature & my power.

    No, no, that is what Narcs want, to continue to influence our nature to prove their own is really the one that is superior, “evolutionary” even, the nature that will lead & adapt fastest & hardest if ever there was an apocalypse (lol! all the Narcs I know have doom theories).

    Instead I am tapping into my power & my nature as I learn to take the oxygen mask first for myself, second for myself, third for myself & then offer the oxygen mask to children (those who are deserving of assistance). Learning also to stop fearing any of your kind because none of you have killed me – not my spirit, not my nature, not my intellect, not my ability to love – even though the Greater tried so very hard.

    It is so good to know & understand firstly my nature & to recognise the power in it – after all its the fuel for such “important” people that I intend to spend the rest of my life using that fuel for me & for my needs and to interact with the “normal” as much as possible.

    As all Narcs know, life is too short & too scary & soon the apocalypse will be upon us, so better get on with it!! Lol 😆

    Thanks, H G Tudor.

    KC

  24. That stage when you realize that if any human gives you the time of day, they are probably a sociopath or full-blown narcissist: which is better? Knowing or not? I have lost hope in humanity. Even the “normal” folks are so selfish: they will take and appreciate you as a giver, admire your charitability with an “awwww, how sweet you do this work!”, then move on to their own self-interests (hoping they are not recruited to pitch in with your charity efforts). The narcs and sociopaths just woo you til they get what they need, and move on with no appreciation. There has to be a balance. I just don’t see the balance within individuals; the balance appears amongst individuals (givers and takers bouncing against each other like charged particles).

      1. Nope I’m not a cluster b lol. I just attract cluster b personalities lol.

      2. Then why did you state in a prior post that you are cluster b? I observe you are an extreamly conflicted and contrary individual. Are you d.i.d. also? Or just different people on different days…. I highly doubt your claim of profession as well… my new bs meter is stealth btw

      3. Ok i miread that. Youd deal with many cluster b’s being a psychologist. Youre a healthy narc magnet 👍

      4. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I know it is hard to read a person through text. Yet, I wanted to give my 2 cents on Dr. Harley Q. I actually believe she is genuine. I could tell she is younger because of the vocab she uses. Also, her narc relationship issues are more related to the newer generation – sexual ambiguity, etc. You don’t need 15 years of schooling to be a psyD. Most are in practice by their late 20s.
        She doesn’t have to use clinical terminology to gain acceptance. But again, to each his own.

      5. Hi Love,
        I agree, I think Doc is legit too. She used some terminology in a convo with me that someone in the field would use with ease. It’s like code switching. I get it.

        And I feel her struggle here of being on the fine line of being viewed as professional versus a human who experienced abuses too. I straddle that line too. For me, it’s hard to separate myself fully from my profession sometimes as i use my mind, heart and soul in my work often. It’s bound together. Tightly. And, i need a place like this to learn, heal and bring this message back to others, including clients. So, I had found myself saying in the past here the same, I’m here for my healing and sharing, not professional. Though sometimes information pops out, because it’s part of me too. Those DBT skills I sometimes share, I only share because I use them on myself too. I’m still healing and learning.

        Does that make sense?

      6. Thank u narc affair and love lol!

        You are correct we are usually practicing by the age range you mentioned.

      7. Thank u HG

        He knows I’m the real deal

        Thank u Indy !!!! I will be writing a longer post in a little

      8. Ms. Brown,

        I understand you have probably been through a lot regarding your narc experiences and I completely understand why you would be highly suspicious of people. I speak to my audience and don’t feel the need to speak in clinical terminology all the time. In addition to that I am just a person who wants to relate to people who have been through similar experiences on this blog.

        I can assure you if you met me in real life you would feel differently towards me. I’m not quite sure why you have so much anger directed at me. I would understand if I came at you in a disrespectful manner but I don’t attack you and I am certainly not a mean spirited person – I am quite the opposite.

        I get the impression the problem you have had with me began when Narc Angel and I were talking about some sexual things in an earlier blog post that may have made you feel uncomfortable.

        It’s okay if you don’t like my playful and relaxed style. That is perfectly fine but you and a few other people have been unnecessarily aggressive towards me and incorrect in your assumptions. We really should be supporting each other. This is like a witch hunt sometimes.

      9. Indy,

        For what it’s worth, I value your input as a health professional. You’ve always been considerate and fair, informative without lecturing.

        The mental health field is riddled with narcissists and BS-ers. You are *not* one of them. 🙂

  25. As borderline, my emotions are constantly fluctuating. But as a co-dependent, if i have expressed anger, i will later always apologize and say ‘i’ll try to change’ and i genuinely try every time, but sometimes i relapse into the bpd behaviors again (it’s a work in progress). Luckily, my mid-ranger passive aggressive ex usually says ‘if you can try to change, then i should also try’ and he genuinely tries as well, for a few weeks or months, but then he either forgets, or being a narc, he defaults to his previous ways (mostly 3 day silences). If i text him and remind him about what we had agreed to, and how it hurts me, he realizes once again and stops the behavior for another few weeks or months, ie. he immediately contacts me (within minutes), makes me feel better and apologizes, which i appreciate. Basically, i have to remind him. After reading some narc behaviors here, i feel like my narc ex, though being a narc, is quite cooperative.

    1. Mine is too but some narcs are veryyyy good at knowing what you need and playing into it. Your narc sounds like a covert? They can be the sweetest most reliable narcs but they play the narc game and they think similiar to other narcs.
      I still find myself second guessing if hes a narc thats how good he is but i know he is by the things hes done over the past 6 yrs. Hes perfect for awhile then bam hes dr jekyll and hyde. The moods change and i get shelving behavior. Hes never abandoned me and is always there for me but i sense when somethings amiss and probably with another supply source.
      Narcs are self serving first and foremost. I no longer let the sweet and reliable act fool me. I e seen the mask slip and i know theres a dark side.

      1. Narcaffair, yes mine is covert. He had been in depression for 10 months after i had originally escaped him. Now, he’s no longer in depression. I am suspecting he has a new ipps and it hurts like hell.

      2. Jenna..he definitely would be in depression after you escaped especially if he had no back up sources. He mightve been there for you and used you as a crutch til he felt ok again and had a new fuel source. Quite often theyll even pretend after a hoover that the relationship has been resurrected when in actuality theyre shopping for your replacement. Then the devaluing starts from what seems out of nowhere but youve been replaced and they have no need to keep try as hard or keep the facade going. The ultimate users.

  26. It’s almost discouraging reading this article… like why even bother anymore if I’m just going to keep attracting the same type over and over again? Ahhhh oh well, empowerment is a good thing 😂

    1. We don’t ONLY attract Narcs but the Narcs really go for us. Mr. Tudor is teaching us how to identify them so we can move on to better options, Now that we have this understanding we can discriminate and make more informed decisions. Hope is not lost! This really is empowering stuff Star!

  27. This is completely accurate and why I am proceeding with extreme caution! The good news is that I have recently identified three very-obvious-lessers, two covert narcissists and an empath in a pear tree. I think I may have finally figured this out. Thank you, HG.

    1. I agree. My psych told me last week that this was my fate, he has not said how I can elevate beyond this but maybe my therapist can help. If there is no help I bloom by myself, my health, both mental and physical improves. I have 3 dogs, 5 children, 15 grandchildren a a few select friends I break bread with. I’ll be just fine by myself because I am complete, I need no one to complete me. I don’t have a need to be mentally and physically tortured and abused, I don’t ever want to be forcefully sodomized and raped. And with all of my family, luckily there are no ties with the sociopathic narcissist.

      1. If your psychologist couldn’t tell you how to escape I don’t think your therapist will either.

        Not all bad😊you are in the right place. I suggest you read exorcism. Also, you have what most do not have. A strong family support system.

        HG, offers several options such as consultations via email and phone.

        Peace and Healing⚘

  28. This reads like it’s our fault we are who we are… Without empathy one cannot feel another person’s pain or understand their pov; one cannot demonstrate compassion for people or animals. A human being without compassion is not whole.

    1. That was his intent. Y’all are supplying him. You will never escape. You will never not be empathetic, blah, blah. Don’t you see through what the author is doing? He’s disempowering you and he loves it.

  29. “I have never met anyone with more potential then you.” That sentence has been echoed into my ears from the multiple predators who have crossed my path including my NPD parents. Those words have become ones that should have alarmed me by now, but instead have sucked me in to a lifetime of hope and a continuation of belief that I can overcome all the challenges endured. Potential….. It has now become something that I grab onto the horns of and kick ass and take names. It is time to harness my own personal potential while discarding anyone’s opinion of who I am and how I choose to live. I Am talented, I Am empathic and I will use my “potential” to elevate above any and all parasitic/clustered individuals who I encounter. Thank you for what you do to release so many from their inner prison and back into the world of infinite potential and possibility.

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