The Narcissistic Truths – No. 41

i-bring-chaos

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56 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 41”

  1. Would the witholding of sex merely be a punishment of sorts or a test to see how much one can take? It has already been made clear that I am being put on hold, a “break” so to speak, possibly to reignite my spirit, make the fuel more potent. Also, this was done in reaction to my attempt to leave, to put up a boundary, install an ultimatum. Everything is exactly as it was, just no sex because I had stated that it had become the only positive for me in the relationship, therefore it had to be removed.

    1. The withholding of sex may be used to test and it may be used to punish. It depends where it occurs in the dynamic, the nature of the dynamic and the surrounding circumstances. Since you attempted to leave, the withholding of sex would be regarded as a punishment for your treachery.

      1. I am sick with worry that this is truly the end, so obviously his plan is working.

    2. Hello Hanna!

      I think it is as well one of the many manipulative strategies the narcissits use in order to create ( at the beginning of the relationship) an addiction to them by giving to you something ( in this case sex) and then taking it away from you. And if this works in provoking a reaction from you ( fuel for them) then they will continue applying this strategy. They use of sex or whatever they can provoke you with is used to create and reinforce the addiction.
      I find two books specially helpful in understanding this dynamics: Exorcism and Escape.
      My ex used many other strategies to provoke me…they certainly know which bottoms they have to push..being different with every new person they entangle with. What makes me react emotionally is not the same for others!!
      Best wishes!

    1. I do not feel chaotic save when the deep seated malice rears its head or when my fury is ignited and I am frenzied. I bring chaos to others because is generates fuel and exemplifies the power and impact that I have.

  2. Chaos is exhausting.

    Unrelated – when the narc decides to downgrade you to “best friend” is this to extract fuel when needed without the sexual relationship (because let’s be honest, there is no “just friends” with a narc, there is always an underlying tension) to keep around as backup, to shelve for later use, or just for triangulation. Or is it all of the above? He is now pretending that he wants a serious relationship with the other “less complicated” girl, so I have been pushed aside. Either he really is trying to have a renewed golden period with her or there is someone else who is replacing me. I get this. I know that no contact is the way to go and I am getting stronger every day regarding that but I need to gird my loins and know what to expect of our further encounters or possible hoover attempts. Complete NC is impossible in this situation.

    1. Being moved form IPPS or IPSS to NISS is done

      1. To maintain a hold
      2. To draw fuel still
      3. To provoke you through this downgrading
      4. To triangulate you
      5. To keep you available should you be promoted again

      1. Yes to 1-4 and why he did it, and a big fat no thank you to 5. This was the slow beginning of the Super Nova. Hell, no. It may have taken a while for my head to take over, but hell no. I will never, ever be shelved by him. Again.

        He HAD a chance with me (fury was the result when I told him I gave him a chance, as he asked me to, to forgive him for 35 years ago … to which he screamed at me that he didnt want a chance, but I said it was a chance at proving himself to be an honest, trustworthy, loving person as he manipulated me to believe and he FAILED … his fury resulted).

        So no, I know too much now. And he knows i know so he won’t ever try to promote me. Though he did last try to leave a hint when he said for me to take a break from him, and our paths will meet again. No thank you, I said, we are done for good. Our paths will never cross again. I am unpromotable

  3. I’m watching that, NA.

    Apparently, a fridge exploded on the 4th floor. The tower wasn’t safe overall with the plastic cladding for it to spread that quick.

    1. So very tragic! Ive not watched yet this morning but im sure there were many that didnt make it out 🙁

  4. HG
    On the interview with Christine Louis de Caonville, she mentioned that victims of narcissistic abuse are often better informed than their therapists about NPD. Do the Good Doctors read your blog? And, do you ever wonder if others in the mental health profession ever check out your blog? It seems like there is a lack of knowledge regarding NPD in the profession.

    1. I know they do from time to time from remarks they make. A number of MH professionals do read my work and also consult with me too, but I agree that the understanding of NPD and by that I mean a proper understanding of it is clearly lacking, so credit to those who are taking on board my work for the purposes of extending their knowledge for themselves and also to utilise professionally.

      1. HG
        Excellent! I was hoping that the Good Doctors took an interest in the blog and it is good to know that you are being consulted. The lack of knowledge in the MH profession is shocking to say the least.

      2. It is clearly a recognised clinical tool which has gained widespread acceptance. It does not cover it all.

      3. Love….there are plenty of narcs willing to victimize you if you want. But do You?

      4. Haha, Love!
        I’m wondering the same thing – what they say about us. 😉 Would also have some questions for HG about us, if I was in their place. 😉
        Would also like to know if there is anything here, which surprises them. I hope they learn, too.

      5. Yes Giulia…
        There are many a narc
        For all to see
        But none as grand as he.

        My daily haiku

      6. Oh…Love….dear…..please…no…no…don’t….
        I know what you mean but try to look at it from another perspective….the other perspective…the other side. You may not see it now but it’s there.
        Without taking anything from HG, whom I admire and respect…but the heart…your heart needs protection… 💖

        https://youtu.be/3HFCDVQeDD8

      7. Thank you Giulia for that very nice song. Don’t worry, I am just crushin’ on our celebrity narc. No harm in that ❤

    2. K and HG,

      I agree with both of you there really is a lack of knowledge about NPD and how it presents in relationships as well as every day life.

      Many people in the mental health field have a narrow understanding of the disorder and only know about the grandiose types so the covert -victim types often go over looked.

      HG’s work is extremely informative and I believe it is important that we all spread his work around raise a greater awareness of the disorder and narcissistic abuse. I am always sharing his work with people and directing them to the blog. It is extremely helpful.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD

        Ditto! The coverts are very sneaky and dangerous. HG’s work is amazing and accurate. I am quite surprised at the dearth of knowledge in the MH profession and we have a responsibility to educate as many people as we can. Christine Louis de Caonville said NPD abuse is pandemic. That was disheartening to hear. I talk to my children about NPD, as well as, my friends and the staff at my daughter’s school. And it most certainly does present in every day life. Schools are highly politicized and full of narcissists.

  5. HG do you want peace from the chaos you hold within yourself? I am just curious, I can only imagine you wouldn’t due to you may not actually know what this is like, and you can not miss something you never knew. I do know if you were not who/ what you are something’s could not be accomplished.

      1. Thank you for responding, I realized that when I reread what I wrote.

      2. HG you know I can not imagine you any other way. Your like someone I knew in a dream, he got the job done!

  6. My mid range ex doesn’t like chaos. He likes calm. From observing him for 3 yrs, he mostly prefers to be alone (with his phone or laptop) or with a very small grp of friends, in peace and harmony. His dream is to live in isolation one day. Whenever i would argue, he would not want to participate in it, and would just log off. Then the next day, he would apologize and say that he’s sorry, to pls accept his apology because he doesn’t want to lose me. This is why i believe npd has a very broad spectrum. Some of the behaviors amongst narcs are very similar, but some are different.

  7. Indeed you do and we don’t realise until we are in deep, if at all. I turned the narcs I knew around and said walk away and cause your chaos elsewhere, here will not tolerate anymore. Enough. Period.

  8. For me it only pays off to be intelligent than caotic to control. Me my sister, two lawyer and the accountant are teaming up to make my father follow the right path and not the one in his dreams which are nightmares for everyone else.
    Off topic I dreamed of Lou Reed…he hugged me and told me he knows I always loved him….undescribable…

    Good day everyone 💋
    https://youtu.be/itzpiIzpV-g

  9. The Midranger (my most recent) was/is an extreme hoarder of absolutely everything… complete chaos inside and outside including his vehicles and the cerebral (my criminal defense attorney huz) couldn’t find his desk, nor his couch nor his bed, nor his kitchen counters, etc…. though brilliant and functional in his realm of criminal defense law… My first was a pristine greater elite… he was even more OCD than I, and created chaos in other ways but not in the living quarters…. just my observance as I know a person’s environment is a clue as to what is going on inside…. the elite conceals it and the others have physical evidence of the chaos within

    1. Ms brown
      My mother hoarded garbage, old newspapers, coupons and junk mail. Boxes of crap were everywhere and the house was filthy and infested with fleas. Absolute chaos! My mother and father were lessers.

  10. This goes hand in hand with provocation. A narcissists calm is chaos. Only when others are in turmoil or in some exaggerated state is the narcissist content and feeling at ease. Calm is uneasiness to the narc. They need others to take on what they feel inside.

      1. Svr…calm = chaos it seems ridiculous but ive seen it firsthand. The narc seems happiest when something chaotic is happening. Its so messed up but so is narcissism. Their way of thinking is so very different.

    1. NA, yes, he resented the “cocoon” I lived in. I didn’t understand at the time why he called it that and why did he resent it. Now I now.

      1. Wow, I can’t even fix a typo this early in the morning before coffee!

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