By The By

Image result for picture of a range of emotions

 

By making you love us, admire us and adore us. By praising our brilliance, marvelling at our superiority and hailing our god-like magnificence. By craving us and worshipping us. By shining your spotlights on us. By seeking your sympathy. By playing the victim. By lying. By lying. By lying again. By issuing excuses. By using you, exploiting you and draining you. By taking your money and your possessions. By isolating you and scaring you. By having you run around for us, jump for us and pander to us. By comparing you to others, by making you anxious and by making you walk on eggshells. By promising the world, jam tomorrow and showing you heaven. By changing the rules that never applied in the first place. By raising the bar and moving the goal posts. By putting you down, mocking you and insulting you. By making you take the blame and by making you feel guilty. By making you scream, cry and sob. By wounding you and hurting you. By confusing and bewildering you. By pushing you and pulling you and pushing you and pulling you. By lifting you up and casting you down. By binding you to us and by sucking you into our world. By false promises and empty apologies. By using him and by adding her. By saying nothing, by saying nothing and by still saying nothing. By lifting you up, by slamming you down, by saying yes and by making you say no, no no. By never listening, by seeing only what we want to see, by doing what we want, by going where we choose and by doing as we please. By some distance, by yourself, by the narcissistic book. By vanishing, by disappearing, by disapproving, by snarling and by sneering. By smiling, by touching, by whispering and by caressing. By promising, by offering, by suggesting and by supplying. By delivering, by forgetting, by letting you down and by walking away. By being the best, by being like nothing else, by giving you your dreams and by shattering them too. By stealth, by slices, by insidious application. By charm, by magnetism and by honey-covered words with sugar-coated smiles. By a nod of the head, by a raise of the eyebrow, by a clench of the fist, by a swing of the foot. By nothing at all, by everything and more, by the first golden light and by the unceasing night. By silence, by shouting, by screaming and by sobbing. By laughing, by teasing, by holding and by shaking. By the illusion, by the fabrication, by the disbelief, by the horror. By the treachery, by the rage, by the isolation and by the smothering. By love-bombing, by triangulating, by gas lighting and by never stopping. By going, by returning, by hoovering and by departing. By not letting go, by giving nothing, by taking everything and by binding you tight.

By existing.

But never bye bye.

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78 thoughts on “By The By”

  1. HG.. By the By… i can not locate the socks you referred to on live q&a… Harrods does not have them… can you send me a link for them (can send to my email) I think they would make a fine gift for someone i know… TM two tone, i believe you said or i misunderstood… TY! ♡♡

      1. Lol! Hopefully you used new pairs of socks on them. Mr. Tudor, you have to make your fans work harder for you. These socks are just 8 pounds each. Please add more expensive items to your gift list 🎁 since it is apparent fans are already ordering 😀

      2. Bear in mind I only wear them from new and then dispose of them. Or is that appliances? It all just merges really.

      3. Haha HG, you’re really “too much”!
        To help you differentiate your appliances from your socks… the appliances are the ones you hoover…

      4. oh & By the By…. now you should get royalty payments for endorsing this brand!!! Just an idea, wink wink (other products you endorse?)

      5. I did write to them and praise their socks. They wrote back and invited me to choose two free pairs. I decided to use them literally to put a sock in it.

      6. You mean you are putting “it” in the sock, Red Hot Chile Pepper style?

      7. That was definitely a true statement ……..

        (Muffling people with socks)

        Lmao 😂

  2. This was great. He disguarded me before the abuse got bad. I think he knew I wouldn’t stand for it. He lashed out a few times and I put him in his place and told him if he kept it up, I was gone. His ex wife has a very different story. Emotional and verbal abuse, holes punched in walls, shoving his son… I was rescued…not rejected. Her life would have been mine eventually.

  3. by sucking the goodness out of us, by making us wonder if he is right by his confusing statements, by subtly trying to make us jealous over other women ‘friends’, by never having a straight answer, “where r u going and with whom”, “oh somewhere and with someone” (very typical answer), by staying out until 3am then sneaking into bed hoping we won’t notice and being all loving again with us first thing in the morning when they want their ‘fix’ from us, by discovering the truth and realising we are not the crazy ones that he keeps saying we are, by frustrating us, by increasing our stress levels, by not knowing how he will be acting on a certain day, hour, minute, by leading double lives, by cheating on us and all the others, by lying countless times with the straightest of faces, by staring at us with empty dark eyes if they think they are losing control of us, by always feeling ‘not quite loved enough’ even though we provide them with gallons of love, by being aloof and silent… and the by the by’s keep rolling on… it is exhausting and we are worth so much more..WE NEED TO STOP going back to this behaviour every time he hoovers and we need stay strong .. ..bye bye and good riddance you sad excuse for a human being .. you CONMAN…

  4. My head says bye bye but my heart keeps holding on . I read everything you say HG I understand but for a kind hearted person it’s still hard to process . The person that use to wake me all hours of the night to say never leave me , don’t break my heart or I love you more than you’ll ever know . The person that would always say I just want to be added to your life , but really wanted my life . The person I loved so much and would of given him the world if I could have . To find the lies , the addiction to porn the other woman , the online dirty sexting sites , dating websites . He swore on he’s father and brothers graves he’s children’s lives it wasn’t true . I’ll never be the same person I have a hole nothing can fill . I have walked the line a couple of times of ending my life , the pain to much to bear . I often wonder HG would a greater even give that a thought?

    1. Would a greater give it a thought that you might end your own life? Yes if the loss of fuel would cause a problem.

      1. I told my narc I was suicidal when he left. I told him I considered running my engine in the garage. He laughed and said it wouldn’t have worked out for me anyway. My truck is too big to fit in the garage.

      2. Ha, ha! My exhusband’s opinion on suicide was it was the epitome of selfishness. Whenever someone killed themselves he would just be disgusted by how weak they were and how they only cared about themselves.
        Hurtful and outrageous as this sounded to me, I often thought about it the many many times I wanted to be dead. How could I hurt everyone else with the last thing I did? Thinking of others often kept me alive.

      3. I think selfish people project and are the ones who make that statement about someone committing suicide being selfish.
        They are carrying unbearable pain and feel invisible to the world and exhausted by it. It is truly a state of where all hope is lost.
        I have known 4 people who committed suicide. They each had very different life experiences unfolding when it happened. I never viewed each of those tragedies for that human as “selfish” though.

      4. Me either, Clarence! I’ve only personally known 2 who committed suicide, one being my father. I am always immediately hit with a tremendous feeling of sorrow and pain that they were so miserable and that the people around them either hadn’t even realized their pain or hadn’t been able/willing to help them. To me suicide is an act of desperation committed in intense pain. That is how Ive felt myself the many times I’ve sat up for hours fighting the compulsion to blow my own head off.

      5. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such a depth of isolation and sadness and hopelessness. Hugs to you!!!

      6. Thank you, Clarence. It’s all part of the learning process, though, and has helped me grow as a person. I haven’t really had any of those really bad periods since I retired. The combination of much less stress and much more reflection has been a wonderful thing! Also not having to interact with people face to face everyday has opened my life up to so much happiness and joy! Hope you have a great day!

      7. I am sorry but I can’t get over what you just said. It makes me nauseous. My head spins as if it had been hit.
        This is the end for me.

      8. High school girls were not off limits for my ex greater but he’d settle for anyone with a pulse. The girl he groomed and discarded me for was 18. Just a couple years older than me when I was groomed. He was 41 when he was with her. She attempted suicide and lived but there were no consequences for him. Even knowing what happened with her I still didn’t “get it”.

    2. Bel, I am going through suicidal thoughts like you from time to time. The shame for having been so naive, having believed the lies, having hoped against hope, having thought to be “the one”, “the most attractive”, “the best” sometimes seems to hard to bear….
      But please don’t give in. Don’t.

      1. Hugs to you Ursula and Bel. Please know you’ve been put on this Earth for a greater reason. Your heart wrenching experience was terrible but it happened for a reason: to make you more aware and see the vastness of life. This too shall pass. Please do not shortchange yourself. Your life will only become more beautiful with time. Give yourself the chance to experience your destiny. 💙

    3. Bel

      You are right you will never be the same, you will come through this stronger if you make the choice to do so. When in pain death really does sound comforting, heartbreak definitely manifest into a physical pain. Which can bring one to beg for death.
      Spend time thinking of why life is beautiful, even if it is only for a couple of minutes a day, increase this time and soon you will find you no longer think of him. This is harder said then done. Stay here read all of what HG writes about, maybe a time will come when actually speaking with him through a consultation will help bring closure to the chaos with in your life. Speak with all the wonderful ladies and the few men that have joined. You will find a support network like none other. And honest answers from HG. Knowledge is power and HG is giving kick a@@ self defense and escaping courses.

      I do not mean to just jump in, and if I have offended I do apologize.

    4. You need support, Bel. See your GP, explain where you are at. Keep educating yourself on NPD here and elsewhere. Don’t let emotions over a fake persona get the better of you.

    5. Bel, you are worth so much more than his lies. You are a beautiful person, which is why he was drawn to you in the first place. What he is or what he did to you has no reflection on you, nor are you responsible for him or his behaviour. That hole you feel can only be filled by you, by loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved. I know this all sounds like cliche but, honestly, I felt just like you do a year ago and I’m a different person now. I love my life, my friends, most of my family (ha) and most importantly, myself. Stay strong and get help. There is no shame in admitting you can’t cope, We’ve all been there x

    6. Bel,

      Many of us went through what you are experiencing now. We decided not to give up, we are still here. You will never be the same again, that’s true. You need to hold on to yourself now, push through… it WILL pass.

      Do not throw your life away! He is not worth it at all. He would not mourn you. He would most probably smear you post mortem, telling them what a nutter you were. But this is not about him, anyway. He does not matter.

      You know the TRUTH now, and see things clearly. This is a GIFT!! In truth lies healing, Bel, embrace it! Close that chapter of your life, and start a new one, stronger and wiser!!

    7. Bel…. my heart goes out to you…. I know a lot of us here have contemplated the same. I hope you can overcome the urge and live well. You may not see it now, but they are not worthy of you. Try to understand that and how their mind works. HG and this site can help you overcome more than you ever thought possible

  5. This is the second time I have seen this picture used here, yet it is the same one he sent to me with a message we will be discussing this later.
    It really was a interesting conversation – topic mimicking facial expression to change your emotion at that moment

    HG do you see what the discussion was really about with out the details of said conversation?

  6. It always feels like the final goodbye, until it isn’t. Why do we let ourselves stay in this insidious cycle? I used to think it was fun, a game, but now it’s just exhausting.

  7. A fantastic text. Heart shaking. Overwhelming Poetic..And so very true.
    He did everything of that to me …everything.

  8. What’s important is that we say it.
    The guy in the picture looks like my ex narc, except he had hair and deeper, meaner eyes.
    The second to last pic, it’s him. Black t-shirt and all.
    I feel a meltdown at the moment. I’ll get over it.

  9. I have noticed this guy in your illustration, shows up frequently on your blog writings. Who is he? He looks eerily familiar to me… I know you want to say minion, but in reality, who is this and why does he appear so often?

    1. Ms Brown C. The guy in the pic may be a model. That particular pic is on the cover of an issue of ID magazine. I bought the issue a just before HG posted this article for the first time. I had goosebumps.

  10. I had a dream about my narc. He put on his jacket, and I jumped up and down. “Take me! Take me! Take me with you please!” I wanted to say. But I couldn’t. And he left me behind. Just like a dog. I am his pet dog.

  11. HG! Tell me, what do,you do for fun when not engaging in the dark arts? For real….. I am most intrigued

      1. How very tiring that must be, HG. Do you never stop and enjoy just nothing? A moment of respite? I’d occasionally find my ex sat on the sofa staring out of the window looking almost relaxed (he never looked completely relaxed unless he was faking it for the audience). I suppose he was just plotting away in silence. *sigh*

      2. Nothing is a waste? I beg to differ. Expending endless energy on the manipulation and destruction of other human beings with neither regard nor respect for their wellbeing… Now there’s a waste.

  12. I’ve just relived my whole relationship from this accurately written blog. I’m exhausted now. Need to lie down and recover…

  13. By driving me crazy, by breaking my heart, by kicking my ass, by stealing my love. Bye bye Devil. I am too tired to deal with you anymore.

  14. Dear N, And also by pernicious projection. By crocodile tears – a wolf in sheep’s clothing. By being perfectly inhuman. By annihilating. By mocking. By violating. By plotting and scheming. By showing feigned remorse. Feigned everything. By reeling and casting and hooking and thrashing. By netting, by gasping and slowly suffocating. By smashing boundaries. By blaming. By repeating. But I do say bye bye. Because I can. Because I am not the narcissist and my bye bye is my freedom. My bye bye turns me from victim to victor. My bye bye takes my power back. My bye bye is real. Sincerely Not Yours, A Healing Soul.

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