The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to tryΒ to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

48 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. A.R. says:

    I dare to say this article is untrue in its essence. If we, the empathic ones, have the gifts of unconditional love & forgiveness & insight…we have the ability to heal the cracks & confront our fears & face the reality of our part which gives narcissists the entry invitation …
    Deny entry & the dance doesn’t begin.
    I must first desire what I already have and be content.
    What then could you offer that I don’t already have?

  2. abrokenwing says:

    Nobody knows me as well as you do.

  3. abbasgirlme@gmail.com says:

    So you’re getting supply from just reading the comments aren’t you? You found a way to feel like the superior expert, push people’s buttons and sit back and feed. Interesting. Pitiful and small. But kinda interesting nonetheless. Yawn. Oh, I guess it isn’t. Never mind.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have always explained that a small amount of fuel is provided through the comments however if you have paid attention to what I have written, this fuel comes from tertiary sources and is provided in a remote manner, accordingly the potency is low an the amount low. It is not a fuel source that a rely on and fuel is not the reason why I do this. So the description pitiful and small is apt to apply to the fuel provided. There is no pushing of people’s buttons through how I interact with them. Yes I am an expert, on my kind.

  4. MsSevyn says:

    I’ll be free from him when I let go of my desire to see him completely broken…

  5. Mona says:

    Narc affair, the fear of abandonment was a great problem for me, because I have had a special event in my childhood, when I felt more than abandoned. I felt, as if I was left for death. He smelled that deep wound and abused it. He discarded me in a harsh way. Luckily that was not the kind of abandonment I experienced in childhood, so he failed his aim. It was not similar enough to the traumatic event in childhood.
    How upset and confused he was when I said to him with a lovely voice: “That is the first time, that someone leaves me, strange feeling.” He said to me: “You always told me, that you have had bad experience with men.” And I said:” Yes, that is true, but I never told you, that I always left them first. I did not want to worry you.” It was half-true. I do not forget his unbelieving face. One point for me in that unnecessary fight.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Hi mona…ive experienced in my childhood moments of abandonment and its not until recently ive really looked at where my fear of abandonment stemmed from other than a mother who was a narcissist and scapegoated me. So many instances i now know contributed to this fear of abandonment i could list them all and this isnt to play victim its to better understand why i fear this and how to overcome it. Fear is so debilitating and over time becomes a handicap.
      You hit it on the nail narcs before and during seduction really study their supply source and one of the most important areas they want to know is vulnerability and fears and this is crucial in able to keep you under their control. We read it as them caring and taking an interest in our past but its really to use as leverage and control. During the first few years when id disengage hed say ” you dont want to be alone again”. This was to intimidate me and bring up a fear which he knows is abandonment. Id respond no but id rather be alone than feel this way. Over time hes dropped that tactic. However he knows thru me going back that thats not entirely true. Thats the problem with going back repeatedly it teaches them youll put up with more and more abuse.
      Im sorry you were discarded that mustve been terribly painful πŸ™ good for you for not letting the ex narc see the full extent of what it did to you πŸ‘

  6. Mona says:

    Windstorm2, if I made it, you will make it too! I am now at the point, that I do not only realise it intellectually, but feel it down to my bones.This awful experience with the narcissist is a great chance to heal. You can see how absurd his behaviour is/was. It is absolutely toxic and inconsistent. It has nothing to do with reality. He would not have targeted you, if you haven`t had qualities that he! admired in the beginning and then devalued because of his envy and jealousy and his own nastiness. Please change your view!

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Mona, thank you. You are very kind! For the most part my mind is in a good place. My narc experiences that did such lasting harm to my self-confidence weren’t from my husband. They’re from up to 55 years ago from my mother and hate filled family narcs, many of whom are now dead. This doesn’t dominate my life, but its always present in the back of my mind.
      I’m glad you have recovered so much! One of the evils of all narc relationships is being isolated so we can’t find out truth from others. Being able to talk to others here is a healing balm and brings much comfort! ❀️

      1. Mona says:

        Windstorm2, the harm of your self-confidence was caused by your family, I know. Although we do not recognise it, it dominates our life unconsciously. We tend to look for the same kind of people we are used to and try to solve the unsolved childhood problems with their help. We hope that they are similar (in parts) to our family concerning the good traits and they do not have the bad traits. If your parents or relatives were very charming, you look for these kind of people. Unluckily there are a lot of narcissists and/ or psychopath who -of course- have that ability. The chance to meet such a kind of person is great. We cannot solve our childhood damage with the same kind of persons. It will always create the same drama as in childhood. And many behaviours or comments we see and listen to in the beginning (only the little red flags) seem to be quite normal for us. Other people would say: “Oh he contradicts himself a lot, let us be careful, we cannot rely on this person.” We do not care about this red flag, it is in the beginning no big problem for us. We think, everyone has a fault. Nobody is perfect. That is wrong! It will be a big problem later. We have to learn, that our own values and behaviour have to be the benchmark for a relationship. If we treat someone with respect, he has to do the same. If he does not the second time we ask for that, leave the person. She will not respect you. Accept no excuses because of childhood damage on his side, that is their own problem, instead install a strong set of boundaries. We are not responsible for their problems and their inner devils. I know, HG`s writing helps a lot to understand and to heal, but please read additionally “In sheepΒ΄s clothing” by G.K. Simon.
        He describes a lot of manipulative tactics, often used also by normal people. The book describes manipulative behaviour in normal every day situations, where people try to influence us to get their will. Before I read that book, I did not even know, that I had been manipulated so many times. I learned it through that book. We are worth a good and respectful behaviour ! We have been always “good enough”. Everything else is a lie.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Very wise words, Mona

  7. Pamela says:

    Or the person we wish you were.

  8. Narc affair says:

    I think theres so many sceneros how it can end which a victim can either be vulnerable to hoovers or completely immune to them. My last narc pulled the vanish act and that was enough for me to not want to be with him. Im the type of empath that when someone hurts me deeply to a point i cant get past it then im done completely. I have no interest and am turned off from that person. I never want to experience what they did again. The only negative is it takes a lot to get there or has to be something specific like abandonment. Once thats reached no hoover whatsoever is a risk of going back.
    Where theres vulnerability is when you have been discarded or have walked away but arent sure of your decision and still are hoping theyll change.
    Regardless no contact is the best way to stay sane and healthy.

  9. K says:

    I will take the lines of coke; it is much safer than your kind.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do both, much fun to be had.

      1. K says:

        HG
        Fair enough and you are right; beige really is boring.

    2. abrokenwing says:

      πŸ‘Œ

    3. Twilight says:

      K
      Both equally addictive
      Both leave you feeling the same
      When mixed together …….

      1. K says:

        Twilight
        You are so right. An unholy union that leaves us wanting more, even though we know it is dangerous. It is an ungodly affliction.

        1. Twilight says:

          K
          lol I wonder thou if a substance like cocaine effects their brains differently then an empath or normals thou.

  10. catandmouse says:

    He had me fooled..from the very first lies and even after I had proof of all the lies..he still maintained he was genuine.. he is a master at creating a charming illusion and pulling women into his manipulative web. The hardest part is now knowing it was all fake and I was just a person to provide new fuel for him..

  11. nomorenarcs says:

    This is exactly how I am feeling. Worst of all, no one in your inner circle understands how it is possible for this to be true. So you shut up and keep it all bottled up inside because there is no one you can talk to about this; they just won’t get it. And if you do end up trying to discuss how your feeling, you end up looking like a fool. It angers me that even now, a year after having disconnected myself from this individual, the imprint he has made on my heart and soul still has the ability to invade my life in such a grand and devastating manner. Today and this evening have been one like so many others where the sinking feeling, sense of loss and devastation are taking their toll. The knot in the pit of my stomach and the ache in my heart combine to form a lump in my throat; and before I know it, the tears come streaming from my eyes, sobbing sometimes leading to wailing, as I try to wrap my head around how I could have been so wrong, so foolish, so blind? Sometimes, I pray for death, the pain is so unbearable. And I hate him for not only how badly he deceived me, but because he has caused me to doubt my faith, which has always strengthened and sustained me through some very difficult moments in my life. I hate him because now I fear I will never trust another man ever again and will always be suspicious and waiting for the shoe to drop. I hate him because I fear that if I ever do find someone new, I will take out all my anger and hurt on him and ruin a good and healthy relationship. I hate him because I fear I can NEVER trust myself again to spot a narc if one should walk in to my life again.

    And then I come to your blog, Mr. Tudor, and find the oasis in the desert: answers to questions, posts that help us to realize that we’re not crazy like they want us to believe, tools that help empower us and wrestle our souls away from their grubbing hands, and ways to beat them at their own game. Most importantly, your blog allows us the space to say without judgements the things we dare not say to those in our inner circle. I am so grateful to you for all that you are doing to help those who have suffered life-altering abuse at the hands of narcs. My gratitude to you is immeasurable

    I would very much like to schedule a private consultation with you, however I feel I would like to read some of your books before doing so in order to be better prepared and informed so as to enable a more constructive consultation. I just don’t know where to start. Would you be so kind as to recommend some titles, please?

    Much appreciation and gratitude.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello NoMoreNarcs, you are most welcome and thank you for your kind comments and observations. You will find a consultation of significant assistance and I look forward to engaging with you. In terms of reading material I would recommend Fuel, Fury, Ask and Ask 2, Sitting Target and Chained to begin with.

  12. Mona says:

    Yes, I fell in love with an illusion. I accept that now and I am sad, that I did not get love. It hurts, that I was not able to see, what it was. I could not see the truth, the ice cold truth. I was not able to see that because I was blind on one eye. And that hurts much more. I was blind, because I was used to some kind of that behaviour. He did not cause my false belief in his love and he did not cause the great wound, in which he could slip like a snake. My first love were my parents. They pretended love, which was no real love. That hurts even more. Not loved in a right way from the beginning. Used, abused, manipulated. Always told, that abusive behaviour would be love. That first love caused the deep belief that I am not good enough. The deep belief then caused this disaster. Nothing else.Slowly I see and start to feel that truth. I accept the truth, that my first love did not love me. Slowly I stop to complain about it. It is only a fact and has nothing to do with my value as a person. That closes the wound. It is only a very small wound now, but deep. I do not need and long for their love anymore and therefore I do not need or long for his fake of love anymore. Yesterday I found a golden envelope, in which he congratulated to my birthday. I am not sure, if this card is new or old. I took a look at it and noticed, it was printed in the town, where one of his lover lived or lives. I looked at his writing and thought what a stupid comment. I feel ashamed that I was in a relationship with that man. A very big fault in my life! I lost the illusion that I am not good enough and deserve only fakes and bad apples. I loved the illusion of love, not the person behind. He will never accept that.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

    2. sarabella says:

      I am walkiing a similar path since the night I asked myself how did this really happen and the story of my mother just poured out in all its significance.

    3. windstorm2 says:

      This really resonates with me, Mona. Used, abused, manipulated. Taught from our parents that abusive behavior is love. But especially that this caused the deep belief that I’m not good enough.
      That deep certainty that I’m not good enough (for anything, just insert whatever) has been the bane of my existence my whole life. I understand intellectually that it is not true. That it is a lie. But deep down, it’s always there. There seems no way to eradicate it. It’s like how HG describes the toxic mixture that narcissists inject deep into us.
      Leaving them doesn’t cure it. Even their death doesn’t affect it. Decades after the narcs are dead, traces of this poison lingers tainting our mental health and causing fear and misery. With learning and much effort we can seal the cracks to keep more toxin out and protect us from more harm, but I’m afraid there really is no way to completely eradicate this toxic poison of self doubt and shame. It’s warped and twisted us beyond repair.
      Sorry to sound so downbeat. Hopefully most of you are better off.

  13. Giulia says:

    It’s the closure you’ll never ever give.

  14. Natalie says:

    You have made mention of your looks and financial resources and I’m sure those things have aided in your machinations. Do you think the illusion would be as effective if you lacked those superficial attributes?

    I hope this doesn’t come across as rude because it’s not my intent.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No it would not.

      1. DebbieWolf says:

        HG

        If the illusion isn’t as effective without looks and financial resources then don’t you think that the person who would only be attracted to those things is as superficial?
        it would make me angry personally to know someone was only attracted to my belongings and my looks and not to me as a person.

        Of course attraction matters I don’t dispute that but I think you know what I mean here.
        My question to you HG is does it irritate you to think you need superficial means to attract someone?

        I believe you are everything you need without all of those things you use to impress.
        I put it to you that “you are enough” in and of your self.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No it does not irritate me.

      2. Natalie says:

        Thanks for your insight HG. I wouldn’t have been nearly as attracted to my exes initially without those things. Being the object of attention by an attractive and financially secure man was an ego boast for me. To be honest we all have our aims as well but aren’t as forthcoming It does seem as though we as “victims” receive our own karma as well.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are most welcome Natalie.

      3. ajo says:

        I’d disagree. My ex narc was attractive, but really more of a dork. Totally unassuming. He teaches 4th grade for goodness sakes!!! He has a GREAT cover. Nice guy, good with kids, book worm, Christian.

  15. Katie says:

    You flatter yourself.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No that is your job.

      1. Ms brown Cβ˜… says:

        βœ”οΈŽ

  16. mistynolan01 says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ‘€

  17. Stephanie Farlow says:

    Hauntingly true and genius writing. Today my friend called and said he is having a nervous breakdown. She spoke of how he had to take time off work. He has not left the house and stays at home and reads. He doesn’t “have anyone” as in romantic relationship. I let myself feel what I was feeling and I felt safe again. I remember I love a ghost. All is well again. I know I can stay vigilant and maintain no contact.

  18. Cindy Fisher says:

    HG Tudor you are brilliant!!
    You actually are going to be a lifesaver for my battered self,, cannot wait to be able to have a consult with you
    I have been devestated by the fith disgard!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed I am and I look forward to consulting with you.

  19. Patricia says:

    God I really fucking hate this one

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes but what do you really think?

      1. Patricia says:

        I really think this sucks and it is fucking devastating…..damn you

  20. Scout says:

    ‘ You are never truly safe…’ Sinister! However, I’ll know I’m safe when I meet a gentleman I can share my life with, provided my heart heals enough to let another man into it, that is.

    1. ajo says:

      Yes! That is the ultimate revenge. When we find true happiness and they aren’t even a thought in our mind anymore. We get trauma bonded to these men. Was the trauma is cleared and healed, we will find and love HEALTHY men. I just know it. But I won’t dare date until I know I am healed. Broken attracts broken!!

      1. ajo says:

        *when…

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