I Cannot Love You More

i-cannot-love-you-more

I have always adored you. It is true. You did not realise it. How could you? I kept my adoration confined to something distant and something remote, always living in hope that one day I would be able to pour my adoration all over you. How long has this condition lasted for? I would suggest over ten years. Yes, that long. It was when you first joined the company. We worked in separate departments but I saw you arrive one day and from that moment I felt this adoration for you. It was strong and powerful and flowed from deep inside of me. I knew in an instant what it was and I just knew that I had to provide it to you. I had no idea when that opportunity might arise, when I might be in a position to furnish you with this potent and unending adoration. You did not know this but I managed to copy your photograph off the company website and I would lie on my bed or sit in a chair and stare at your picture wondering when I would be able to provide you with what you deserve. I contemplated listening to you lying beside me and whispering my name, the sensation of your hand in mine, the delight in sharing experiences. This adoration has remained, churning and growing inside of me. I have sustained it and nurtured it for all this time. That surely shows just how powerful it is and just how special you are to me. Yes, I know you had no idea. How could you? I kept it to myself as I wanted to save it all for you. Of course there have been others during those ten years but they were just practice for when I would be able to provide that adoration for you. I was fond of those supposedly significant others but let’s not you nor I delude ourselves; they came nowhere close to evoking the adoration that I have for you. I was not surprised. I understood that from the instant I laid eyes on you that you were the one. I could not make my move though until I had tested myself. You see, I had been let down so many times before. I thought I knew and understood what true adoration was. I had been deceived by imposters and found that they promised much yet delivered so little. I did not doubt you but I had to be sure. Accordingly, I kept my distance, adoring you from afar and pushing my resistance. Each day that passed where I denied myself the chance to give you my adoration was another day where I tested whether that adoration would remain intact and it was. I came through the test. I asked many questions of myself and I found that I was not wanting. This time was the reality. This was true and honest adoration, nothing more and nothing less. I realised as the months became years that the longer I waited the surer I would become and moreover, like a grand whisky maturing, the longer I waited then the more powerful this adoration would be. I understood that to allow this adoration to grow and build, to test it, to determine whether it had any boundaries and shortcomings would ultimately mean that I would be able to dispense adoration like nobody else could ever do so. I could give you what you deserved and in return you would provide me with what I wanted and needed.

This may seem strange but there almost came a point when I thought that perhaps I would never provide this adoration for you. I wondered and considered whether I would be better served by keeping it within myself. Locking my adoration away as I always wondered whether it would come undone after another day of waiting and testing, but then I realised that since I adored you so, I could no longer keep this adoration hidden. What person would I be if I did not provide you with the very thing which you deserved? I would be failing both you and I. Thus, that is why I made my move. There was nothing distinct which triggered this need to make my approach and provide you with this adoration. There was no catalyst other than the realisation that the time had come. There was nothing more to be gained in keeping this adoration confined to myself. I had to release it and lay it on you. I had to pour it over you, spilling over you and coating you. I needed to provide this most perfect adoration and allow you to bask in it, delight in and know that this is what I will also provide to you. How can that now be the case? I have waited so long to give this to you that there can be no outcome other than this permanent state of adoration which will allow us to become one and preserve that state of affairs forever. Ten years may seem like a long time but it is but a blink of the eye when compared to the infinite adoration I will give you and that shall keep us together. We shall not crumble, we shall not fall. I promise you this, just as promised the same to her last month and her the month before that and her the same last year.

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25 thoughts on “I Cannot Love You More”

  1. unspoken: and then devalued the heck out of them all… and her as well…

    could it be that your kind truly envies how free and liberated empaths are? how we feel our feelings and still remain strong despite deep debilitating wounds? could it be that from afar that is true yet from close by temporary “worship/love” turns to “hate” for being all that you are not? is there envy there under the surface? I wonder… if the desire to sully and destroy our empathy has roots in there…

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      1. I took your advice and bought “Exorcism: Purging the Narcissist.” The Aftermath Effects you wrote about hit me right in the head! I’m applying the techniques you recommend, HG, and have come to terms with the fact that it takes discipline and consistency. This book will help me finally move on and will be a great resource for weak moments. Thank you, thank you, thank you, HG!!

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      2. last I checked, Aries God of War didn’t begin with an “H”… did you make a typo and get stuck with “Haries” or is it really “Hades” in disguise? I mean… We all know the “G” in your name is abbreviation for “God” – grin –

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  2. I think he is telling us that this kind of romance isn’t real. An illusion. I used to wish for such, especially the deep soul love, the soulmates talk all night love (Saul Mates lol). No more🙁 I need a crystal ball and Cher. Maybe he exists in some deli in Queens. Ordering a gluten free pastrami on Rye in a NY accent, sitting on his roof top at night, looking at the same stars. …oh that is a cartoon about mice..and I own cats…..sigh

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      1. Hi 1Jaded1,
        I am doing well, thank you. Yes, it is all but a dream.

        While eating my coconut Thai soup, I day dreamed….I need a crotchety old man of 45 that will have coffee with me Sunday mornings while we discuss nothing and everything. We will bitch about the squirrels stealing the bird seed and how no one paves the roads any more. We will plan our escape to socialist Canada and have snow ball fights. If he is lucky, I will throw a biscuit at him during a formal dinner, on a dare. He will eat it afterwards, with a smile. Salt and pepper hair, sea-blue eyes and a tight back side wouldn’t hurt either…

        I am managing my romantic notions, I think…

        Cards!!! Yes, I wonder what those cards would say about my odds of finding this man. LOL

        How are you 1Jaded1?

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      2. Hey Indy. Doing okay, thank you. Trying to soak up as much Vit D while it is still Summer. I hope you find your mate. It sounds fun to have that kind of fun with out the riff raff. I wish we could be ether to avoid the look attraction thing and just do ether. Eh.

        Hah..King of Wands mixed in with King of Pentacles. Fire and Stability. Too much tto ask.

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      3. Ooo I love cards!! I am thinking of giving up on the idea of looking for a mate. LOL If he is out there, he will find me at the right time and I, him. One thing is for sure, he will have a few walls to scale.

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  3. Seems very over the top and this is a huge red flag i now see clearly! If its out of a romance novel and too good to be true it is bc its been tried and tested many times over!

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    1. Exactly, Narc affair. Everything tried and tested. A Narcissist, 18 years ago. He was an expert at creating fairytales. Candles, Maria Callas and poetry. Once he created a small book for me, with lovely verse and drawings of his own. One other day, I woke up, went sleepily for the coffee, opened the tin and a tiny paper was inside: “I love you…” I went for the sugar, a second tiny paper in the tin: “…so much”. I was thrilled! I learned that he did exactly the same tricks with his next girlfriend-the book, the coffee, the sugar, the notes. Well, at least the book was different.

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  4. Also my narc noticed me at work. I approached him but he later told me he took an interest in me a few years earlier and would fantasize about me sexually and otherwise. At the time i found this to be a huge thrill and compliment but now i see it as a big danger sign and flag waving.

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    1. Same here. My narc told me that he saw me at a Christmas party nine years prior. There were maybe 100 people at this party, it was in a small, dark room, and yet he noticed me. Nine years later he told me he still remembered the dress I was wearing — and described it to me perfectly. I recognized it and still had it! He told me he “You were different. Unlike other women, the dress wasn’t wearing you. You were wearing the dress.” Nine years after he met me, he pounced. It took me six months to get away. I nearly lost myself completely. I feel so bad for his wife and son, who I didn’t realize he was cheating on.

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    2. That is exactly what happened to me! I approached him and he threw out similar bullshittery!

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  5. HG Tudor, this is the story of my life… It looks so stupid now when I read it through your words… I was so naive..

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  6. One more brick in the wall of understanding. This helps so much to keep me from thinking I’m imagining it all. And most importantly killing the belief that I was ever special.

    My N said she’d noticed me two years prior, we had mutual friends, and that when we’d end up in the same places and she’d see me, the person she was dating at the time would say that I’m the type of person my N should be with and marry.

    She told me that story many times throughout the first part of our relationship. I’d say what a crock but it worked. We did get married. 🙁

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  7. HG,
    I used to address my previous relationship partner as Fy Brenin. Welsh for “my King”. Would that suffice? Lol!!

    He said it was important that all his friends knew I chose to call him that because he didn’t want to seem like a megalomaniac.

    A lot of work has been done in one year!

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