Down

down-you-go

It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast. It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.

I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure. Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it. Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes form day to day and from hour to hour. But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried. You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own. It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you. You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all. What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale. Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.

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77 thoughts on “Down”

    1. You do realize there is “no bad” going down. Just ask any man. A BJ is only important to men like HG while it is happening and he is taking pictures so he can use them later. It matters not how good you are to be honest.
      Get off your knees! 🙂

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      1. Ah oh.. that amused me lol!

        I must say… I don’t think HG would generally tolerate a crappy blow job unless he felt he could really gain from the situation lol. Pictures…. or tell the person they blow at blowing…. lol!

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      2. He will tolerate anything that advances his aims. He cares not on this. Actually I will bet he would instruct her how to do it and this alone would give him pleasure of power. Not only is he showing her his ability to teach but his ability to control. I could be wrong in speaking for HG but it is what I can gather from his writings. Power Power Power

        (You want to know how to give the best BJ ever? Ask a gay man. I did this at 21 years of age and have inquired with one every chance I get when this topic arises or I need an answer. Thank goodness for my hairdresser as of late.)

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      3. Ah oh – maybe I should just ask my ex narc since he was so fond of hiding in the bushes off the trails of parks to get some dick lol.

        😂

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      4. He is at the very least bisexual – definitely leaning more on the side of wanting dick. Lol

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    2. Wow Ms. Brown, are you the same person who was so ‘uncomfortable’ because NarcAngel and Dr. Harleen were talking about sex off topic?
      Even providing a link to the appropriate article for any sexual comments?
      I’m very glad you’ve become So much more comfortable.

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      1. Since the topic is lingering, this reminds me of one of the best lines from Samantha on Sex and the City when asked about her skills giving bj’s.

        “They don’t call it a job for nothing. There’s suction, breathing patterns, teeth placement…”

        Words to live by. #Thosebjskillz”

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      2. Gasp… But still quite ‘vulgar’ and ‘unladylike’. I actually don’t care. Live and let live. Judgement free.

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  1. That was scary. Thank you for sharing all that you do. Your willingness to share has helped me greatly. You may not want it 😆 but I send you much peace Love and light…❤
    please keep doing what you do…

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  2. It’s amazing to me. This article sheds light on my confusion. I’m having such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he has been just an illusion of what I desire. He said he loved me. Loved more than ever. He sought me out. He knew every move I made and eventually made contact. Over a year later Now He won’t let me go, he won’t let me leave him. He doesn’t like any men talking to me. He thinks if I talk to them I’m wanting to be with them. He wants to move me to an isolated place out of town where there is nobody around. He told me this. He isn’t afraid of telling me what he wants from me.

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  3. HG, I have to know…do you every regret the discard and realize the replacement doesn’t give as good of fuel as the one before, or the one before that? Do you compare us to each other?

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      1. So suffice to say, you may not regret replacing a primary, but may come to realize the new primary isn’t as attractive, good in bed, or as giving as a former primary? Would this produce frustration that the appliance isn’t working as well as a former?

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      2. It is not so much the comparison in that way, remember you were once lauded for dressing in a stylish manner (painted white) and then you were told you dressed like a slut (painted black) and therefore there may be no difference between how you dress and the new IPPS will dress (from your perspective) but because of this split thinking, our perspective places the new IPPS streets ahead of you in the style stakes.
        The difference is where we recognise the fuel being provided from the new individual is not as potent as we though it might be. Thus, our comparison is not with you as the former IPPS but rather with what our expectation was of the new IPPS and if it falls below, then that person will be devalued and dis-engaged from.

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      3. I see. Well I was never devalued until after discard when I found the truth that he had been cheating. He overly complimented me during discard citing I deserved better than him. (Truth). But, the entire relationship was his whining about the loss of his old married life. He missed his old life (his old illusion when everyone didn’t know he was a narc and cheater). I often felt I couldn’t compare to what he had. I can see now I was replaced by a weaker woman. I was in therapy and growing during our relationship and once I felt strong and began to question his behavior and faithfulness, I was discarded.

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      4. HG what does this sentence mea: “the fuel being provided from the new individual is not as potent as we though it might be”

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      5. It means we thought that a prospect would provide excellent fuel but for some reason they have turned our to be less effective in the provision of fuel than we had hoped – perhaps they are not as empathic as first thought, perhaps they are less responsive than we expected, it might be for many reasons.

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      6. Boredom of the same routine? Need the thrill of the chase with a new prospect? The list could go on…..

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      7. HG, is there a pecking order of sorts?

        He has his new primary source, yet continues to seek me out. For sex mainly, especially if she is not around. He is treating me differently of course, because the golden period has shifted to her.

        I was just wondering, if he starts with another source and current primary starts to be devalued, will the times he seeks me out become fewer?

        The split thinking you have illustrated is helpful. Once considered amazing, beautiful, adorable, now called a dirty bitch. And only good for sex, not spending quality time with. Nothing we will do will change the devalution?

        So we shouldn’t beat ourselves up thinking we are unworthy……

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      8. There is a fuel index which explains how the fuel matrix is constituted. If you read the book Fuel it is explained in there and you will find the blog articles about the Fuel Matrices useful too.

        If he is seeking you out for sex, as a Shelf IPSS or a DLS, the golden period is over if she is the IPPS.
        If the golden period continues, she is an IPSS and not the IPPS.

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    1. Ajo, I was never devalued in the ways I have read in various places on the internet. He was never obviously mean or hurtful. Until I escaped he told me I’m amazing, the most beautiful person on this planet, talented, gifted, perfect, should be on TV for everyone to see how amazing I am and and and. That’s not to say he wasn’t mean in a very perfidious way, so perfidious that I didn’t even notice. There’s also that other post where HG talks about what it’s like when the crowd is gone. I forgot the exact wording, and my laziness prevents me from looking it up. That also didn’t happen. He wasn’t different to me. No matter whether we were alone or surrounded by 8776 people. Having said that, he was different when I was not around. He’d tell me, for example (he didn’t really say that) that he absolutely despises bananas and to others he’d go on about how much he loves bananas.

      I guess what I’m saying is they’re not all the same. Maybe. I don’t know. They don’t all follow the exact same pattern.

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      1. If he was mean in such a way that you did not notice, Anonymous, how did you know he was mean to you?

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      2. I meant he wasn’t mean in the “you’re an ugly and worthless whore and I want you to die already so I can piss on your grave because that’s all a useless piece of shit like you deserves” sort of way. I sort of wish that’s how it’d had been, then I would have left. I have a low tolerance for obvious bullshit. He criticised me for ridiculous (in my opinion) things. I’m an introvert, I find humans very exhausting most of the time. It’s just the way I am, the way I’ve always been. I can’t do small talk, I don’t do fake politeness (thank god I don’t live in the US), most of the time I just want to be left alone. The problem is I don’t look like an introvert. When I had an oral exam back when I did my MA, my professor and the other guy said (after the exam) that it’s so weird that I’m the way I am. I don’t look the way people expect an introvert to look, I don’t even act the way really when you observe the way I walk and carry myself. I sort of look like an arrogant bitch who wants to be the center of attention. So yes, I think that’s what he thought/hoped he was getting. So the longer the relationship was, the more he nagged. I always say that the second thing people notice about me is that their first impression was wrong. He pretty much fell in “love” with an image of me. Told me he loves me on the second day.

        It was really only after I escaped that things fell into place for me. There was a lot of denial going on, obviously. I excused so much of his behaviour. The criticism from above, the silent treatment when I “misbehaved”, the deliberate attempts to push me out of what he thought was my comfort zone.

        But yes, I really only realised after I left how crap it all really was. Which makes me want to build a time-machine and fly back to those times to be able to smack that bitch up in retrospect.

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      3. Why escape if you weren’t devalued? Mine wasn’t mean to me. There were a couple occasions when I walked in while he was upset at his son and I received some backlash, but I chalked it up to his son putting him in a bad mood. Plus, I would stand up for myself and tell him I didn’t deserve to be treated as such. I’d always get an apology. I believe, honestly I was too strong for him. Those who know him and know he is a narc are also in disbelief that he stayed with me as long as he did as I expected a lot from him. I like to think he actually “tried” to be normal with me. He knew I was a catch. I got to meet his family and friends (something the other girlfriends never got). He got a lot of fuel from people and his family telling him how much they liked me, how kind and pretty I was. He sister was like “finally one I like!!!”. I think they also hoped I could fix him with my strength and authenticity. The others were very naive and didn’t have a strong identity. But, that’s why he picked them. I’ll never know why he chose me other than I gave a lot. My giving must have made up for what I expected in return. At least for a while. After discard and my exposing him, he said he was so thankful he didn’t have to live under a microscope anymore and explain himself all the time. He called our relationship “a sad time in his life”. Haha

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    2. “Why escape if you weren’t devalued?”.

      To put it bluntly, because I found out he fucked everything with a heartbeat. And probably even things that lacked a heartbeat. I guess that’s a form of devaluation hahaha. To be honest, if I hadn’t made that discovery, I probably would have tolerated his nonsense for a bit more, but not that much longer. I’ve been asking him since around December to go see a shrink, suspected he might be schizoid. Not only because of his behaviour towards me, but he was just…weird. I think he never understood how I operate, because I’m basically the polar opposite of a narcissist. What is fuel to them, is poison to me. I found his attempts to make me more outgoing entertaining. He never understood that I’m not shy, but am very much capable of finding things in a supermarket and it’s not that I don’t ask because I’m scared, but because I’m not an imbecile and I’m not going to bother staff just to hear my own voice. He also never understood I don’t need validation from others. Unlike him.

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      1. Oh and while I’m at it. He also accused me of liking “negativity” and “sad things”. This is still something I haven’t figured out completely. I think it’s more like he can’t handle things that he knows are sad because he doesn’t know how to deal with them. For example, my father died when I was 16. Whenever I said ANYTHING about my father, he got uncomfortable and went on about me liking sad things. I had to put my cat down almost two years ago (the one in the pic, it’s his birthday, hence the pic, because I LOVE sad things, that’s what he’d say). My cat was 19 when he died, I felt shit. He didn’t understand that, he tried/pretended for a day but then it became obvious he couldn’t handle it/me.
        I also like to read about serial killers and other misguided individuals (oh hello HG!!!) and he thinks that’s me liking negativity and abnormal.
        My favourite part was whenever he was an ass, and I reacted accordingly, he told me “be cute” and if I wasn’t, it was “I don’t do negativity”. If I talked to him on Facetime after one of his episodes and said something that wasn’t nice (i.e. didn’t ignore the elephant in the room) he would raise his finger to warn me – then sometimes he’d hang up on me. He created negativity, but then decided he doesn’t do it hahaha.

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  4. “Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough?”

    No. Never. In fact, I even said I was always too good for him, both to him and to others. I know I’m awesome. Maybe I’m a narc.

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  5. One thing that makes no sense. I was already down. He dumped me on March 30. We decided to meet up to talk and so he can give me some of my belongings. He booked us into an actual castle for two nights. I was confused. He arrived on April 24. Did all the stuff guys “in love” do. I confronted him, he said he didn’t dump me, and doesn’t want to. Fast-forward to May 13: I discovered he was cheating. I messaged a bunch of women. One told me she hasn’t met him yet, but he really wanted to. They’d been talking online for 3 or 4 months. Interesting thing: on April 12 (3 days after booking his flight), he wrote to her “I should tell you that I’m interested in a co-worker. I feel good about it”. Essentially, he told her he’s not interested. I am not his co-worker. He doesn’t have co-workers. No more messages between them. May 3rd, he writes to her again. “Co-worker moving aboard for good before anything could develop between us. I’m on the market again”. I didn’t move aboard, I have been aboard since 1977.

    So I guess I was up and down without being aware of it. What doesn’t make sense to me is that he told her he didn’t want to be in touch anymore just before we met. Does he maybe at times think he can be normal and honest?

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  6. Been reading these blogs for a couple months now. Been trying to escape what I now believe is the infamous narcissist. Messaged me within the past week, “I will ruin every relationship you will ever be in. You know I’m your heart I will. And when you find the one, I will sooner or later come find you and make love to you”. It is a constant cycle, and part of me feels bad if I don’t reach out back in case I am wrong. He ordered me to stop seeing the current guy I was dating, asked me to make a list of what I wanted and send it to him, regularly blocks me on and off, and gets upset if he finds out I start seeing someone else. “You’re so full of it, I thought I was the only one” did I forget to mention he has a girlfriend?? Does this sound familiar to any of you? Advice?

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    1. HG, I this is the DOWN comment I made I referred to, and of course it’s only one out of many comments which are starting lead me to question his true personality. I don’t know what types of comments are typically made to secondary intimate sources. If he is indeed plagued with npd, I know my life has been torn apart his past year like it has never before, and I’m no teenager anymore.

      Again, thank you. To all the rest of you, God bless and I wish you recovery from the massive amount of heartbreak! Not even a nurse can fix this inside, I suppose time and distance alone can only heal.

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      1. Lynnie, I see you left your comments a couple of weeks ago. I am no expert so I don’t know if this guy has NPD. I’ve personally not experienced that sort of behaviour (yet) and have only ever been the primary source twice and to my knowledge, never a secondary source. But in the end, does it matter if he has NPD? He’s obviously not good for you, he says horrible things to you, denies you any form of happiness, blocks you on and off, is in a relationship with another woman, threatens you. My suggestions is that once his blocking is off, you turn yours on. It’s not easy, but anything else will prolong your pain.

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  7. I cannot say what he dropped with nonchalance during our friendly talk…..but it summarizes somehow what you just wrote.
    That’s why I say he’s back to hurt me.
    I must not let him do that.

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    1. Why HG are some of us kept in the relationship like me for decades then ? I was discarded on average 4 – 5 times per year but he never left it was always just words . I’d cry and beg for the marriage not to end . My ex husband would also on any special occasion at the last minute throw himself on the bed and refuse to go , for any reason he decided at the time . We ( my children) and I would cry and beg him to come and not spoil the day . It all sounds so ridiculous now but that was our lives . One Christmas Day he abused my eldest son from the time he’s eyes opened , saying one of my sons thief friends stole he’s iPad . The words escalated to pushing and abusing my son only to find he’s iPad were he left it . That was our Christmas Day . Was I kept so long because I took the abuse so well , I didn’t fight back ? I was so manipulated…. I can see though the final discard I had started to become unruly and defiant . When he threw himself on the bed I started to ignore and leave without him I started not to care . I shake my head in disbelief now not knowing whether to laugh or be disgusted in myself . All this from a professional man that holds a masters degree that has others lives in he’s hands with he’s profession . Sorry everyone if I got a little of the topic . 😊

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      1. Ahh HG I just read dropping the bomb … explains the above . Tonight I have to stop reading way to painful …

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      2. Hello Bel, there are a variety of factors which impact on how long devaluation lasts and whether dis-engagement occurs. Part of it is the victim’s stickability, the nature of the narcissist, the fuel matrix, the existence of the factors which cause devaluation and dis-engagement (see the relevant articles in that regard) and these all combine. If you want the complete analysis to your situation you are best served with a consultation.

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  8. ‘Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? ‘

    I really really really don’t like this sentence.😠

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      1. But ONLY after he tried to condition me too! And I identified each interaction that was such an attempt. And I did start to believe, but no more.

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  9. I’d love to stay down this time. I’ll be happy looking up at him while staying at hand reach of my daily life. No climbing walls, no leaving steady ground, no going away from home.
    I don’t need revenge I just need to feel safe.

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  10. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I know this may appear a really really silly, if not stupid question, but have you previously, or can you please explain the difference between a ” normal” relationship and yours ….. meaning …..
    if you told the truth, would you not get the same benefits and rewards?
    There are lots of similarities, where we empaths get confused and sucked in, however there are a lot of other normal males/ females who appear similar to you, but are far from it. I would really appreciate your clarity and definition about the norm and your kind, to help others.
    Always with thanks

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    1. No because if I did I would not provoke the same emotional responses nor would my grip on those individuals be as strong.

      A normal, healthy relationship is devoid of the manipulation. It is devoid of the abuse, it is predicated on a genuine attraction as opposed to causing a genuine attraction based on a fabrication. A normal relationship is not one where one party is expected to give all the time and the other one takes.

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      1. Dear Mr Tudor,
        Many thanks for your clarifying response. We empaths are so honest, giving and trusting, we should keep reminding ourselves of this. One wonders if a narcissist has ever experienced “normal” in their life!
        Again, Thankyou

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  11. Just looking for some feedback. I am unable to speak with a psychologist because I cannot get past the fact that someone is paying to listen to my problems, and it feels so ridiculous.

    I would much rather get feedback from strangers because they will never know me. Anyways, my Narc just dumped me yesterday, on my birthday, mind you. I was upset at first, but I’m feeling better today because it was expected. He and I have been in relationships multiple times. At least 7-10 over the past 2 and a half years. The same pattern every time. Last time he was attempting to get back with me, I told him I wasn’t that bothered by our last breakup because I knew it was coming. And I knew he’d be back in a few months, so whatever. Same feeling now. He’ll be back. He always is. I enjoy the satisfaction that I never truly believe his kind words and gestures. I am benefitting from it without feeling the same hurt that many people feel when faced with a narcissist. He thinks that I’m hurting but I’m not. Well, I was yesterday, but. Today is much better. The hardest part for me when he goes is just missing his company, not his affection. I understand what he is and accept him for it. I don’t mind. We’ve had conversations about he and I using others together. I am very much open to that, especially towards other flames of his. I am bisexual so, it benefits me to engage in this way. Otherwise, I am left desiring one thing or another. So I guess the real question is, how do I avoid missing his company? I know he’ll be back, so I just need have to find a way to enjoy the ride. I know people might think that’s it’s stupid of me to allow myself to play victim. But, the truth is, I don’t think I can get the kind of love I need from someone else. As much as I try, and want to, the love I’ve received from others just seems too easy, and they appear so desperate. I don’t understand my situation basically is what I’m trying to say. Any possible suggestions or enlightenment?

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  12. Jealousy is not it. Hope is. We cling with hope that you might love us the way we need. Far too often it is too late that we realize that even with your cognitive skills you choose not to change.
    It is that choice not to change that we are baffled by. At this point we have usually twisted ourselves into pretzels changing for you.
    Desperation pulls at us to know you truly have no desire to change. How can that be? We have put in our all for you. Our investment did not reap the outcome we had imagined either.
    The vacuum that resides within a narcissist is as vast as a black hole…unable under any circumstanes by anyone to be filled to the point of contentment for long periods of time.
    It still seems so surreal that narcissists can hold & understand the knowledge they do while still continuing to grasp at an ideal that is truly insane as the result in the recreation of circumstance or substitution of person will ultimately yield the same results.

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    1. Yes! Isn’t that the definition of insanity! They do the same thing over and over and over, yet think they’re going to get a different result. And these mid rangers and elites are brilliant! But I think this is where they are arrested developmentally. I kid doesn’t get this concept, therefore they don’t either…

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  13. My n is actually trying to make me quit smoking post discard and brings me a nicotine patch every morning. I appreciate it, though.

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    1. What if he laces these patches with arsenic, slowing poisoning you? (Perhaps, I’ve watched too many crime shows, but things like that do happen. Be vigilant, CM.)

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  14. “Gorged on my love”.. COME ON HG, seriously? What love? There was no love to begin with. We do not owe you because we were given nothing !! Your feigned passion, dedication, attention and desire were all self-serving and – an illusion! If it’s is not authentic then it is cheap.. fake as a car-boot Fendi! You put all that effort in for one sole benefactor – yourself! Benefitted on a massive scale, hardly! Was it not you who was the one that benefitted ? Grade A fuel in exchange for cheap, fake emotion/attention/desire. Lemme tell ya, it ain’t all that!!! Give me that authentic Vuitton any day! It smells real, it feels real, it IS real. And I owe it nothing!

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    1. Kiava, yep. He told me to stop hurting myself. I said so caring for you is hurting myself? He said, “I would expect nothing but.” I said Woa! Re read what you just wrote. And I also expect nothing but for him to care. Then I said, you used me. End of Story. He raged off and
      blocked me. Truth seems to wound some narcs.

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    2. HG today I’m angry 😡 I’m not someone that gets angry easy . Angry not one but two oxygen thiefs deliberately entered my life purely for their own agenda . From the age of 16 – 48 my youth was stolen my soul stolen , from those vile , disgusting predators . I will build a wall so high now no one will get in apart from the select few in my life now I trust . I know that is not the purpose of your writings , but I am a magnet . Can I ask do you not post some comments due to rambling , off topic or of no benefit ?

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      1. I don’t post comments immediately where there are long posts or questions. Most posts eventually are posted save those which are nonsensical, spam or gratuitously offensive for example. I only delete a very small number of posts.

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  15. What is found initially difficult even though I got out was that I was not pretty enough for some reason. Childhood trauma, can remember my mother telling me I had a big arse (which I dont) and other physical parts of me and my attitude.
    So I know I have never been good enough even although I have been told it time and time again by others. Why do we want to hear it that you are loved from your mother’s mouth and not everyone else? I just did not believe it until now. It took my experience with a narc to sort me out! That narc told me he loved me HG in a message and instantly I told him don’t you ever say that again, no idea where that came from. Can you explain HG for me please.

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  16. What does a narc want? Really? Money? Fame? Up to which point? What’s the use if there’s this “emptiness”? Nothing would ever suffice.

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