Ex Machina




I wake. I sigh. I wait. I see. I smile. I rise. I look. I notice. I awaken. I observe. I pause. I brush. I spit. I view. I hear. I glance. I surge. I type. I halt. I listen. I note. I grin. I step. I stand. I lather. I rinse. I wipe. I turn. I move. I check. I nod. I collect. I foam. I shave. I clear. I admire. I piss. I flush. I smear. I moisturise. I turn. I catch. I dry. I spray. I dress. I adore. I answer. I speak. I understand. I climb. I descend. I eat. I compliment. I accept. I plan. I consider. I formulate. I read. I zone. I screen. I drink. I kiss. I extract. I gather. I accumulate. I garner. I stockpile. I brush. I check. I rise. I exit. I call. I tease. I plot. I move. I drive. I sing. I cruise. I forge. I advance. I frustrate. I lie. I speed. I overtake. I gesticulate. I rage. I growl. I glower. I overcome. I bristle. I prowl. I dictate. I oversee. I lead. I achieve. I pioneer. I evaluate. I target. I flirt. I chastise. I laugh. I frown. I complete. I direct. I orchestrate. I demand. I secure. I fabricate. I succeed. I triumph. I challenge. I inspire. I decide. I action. I activate. I consume. I quench. I envy. I roar. I rage. I burn. I slash. I throttle. I lash. I denigrate. I belittle. I strike. I wound. I attack. I conquer. I despise. I hate. I overrun. I dominate. I sign. I shake. I clench. I maintain. I read. I assimilate. I conduct. I move. I touch. I preserve. I continue. I subjugate. I exceed. I impress. I frighten. I illuminate. I shine. I blaze. I buy. I offer. I grace. I favour. I entertain. I joke. I outrank. I outflank. I identify. I attract. I bind. I deceive. I con. I dedicate. I pretend. I know. I understand. I grasp. I press. I pull. I remove. I shadow. I lure. I beckon. I bestow. I receive. I evade. I deny. I deflect. I swing. I duck. I blacken. I obscure. I hide. I take. I grab. I have. I remove. I strip. I push. I enter. I thrust. I delight. I lick. I bite. I tug. I caress. I probe. I stroke. I entrance. I hypnotise. I mesmerise. I float. I soar. I smooth. I sooth. I confuse. I defraud. I steal. I distract. I depart. I ignore. I sneer. I calculate. I follow. I invigilate. I guard. I misinform. I perjure. I mislead. I falsify. I construct. I destroy. I tell. I withhold. I reduce. I erode. I cloud. I arrive. I amass. I harbour. I harvest. I pluck. I suck. I drain. I acquire. I takeover. I obliterate. I annihilate. I beat. I overcome. I assure. I ignite. I manipulate. I control. I assuage. I decide. I conclude. I reflect. I dismiss. I ascertain. I point. I click. I review. I tap. I send. I spin. I trap. I block. I unblock. I do. I don’t. I will. I won’t. I can. I cannot. I should. I shouldn’t. I would. I wouldn’t. I did. I didn’t. I oppose. I combine. I bewilder. I daze. I encircle. I defend. I swoop. I revel. I increase. I fume. I snarl. I infuriate. I retaliate. I provoke. I win. I switch. I lower. I triumph. I outsmart. I outreach. I succeed. I delight. I accomplish. I remember. I twist. I turn. I grimace. I scratch. I scrape. I whisper.

I close.

I sleep.

I wake.

I am.

I repeat.


41 thoughts on “Ex Machina”

  1. Im not on twitter but i notice some of your quotes HG(bottom of page) and i really love ” life is like photography you need the negatives to develop”. Ill write this one down! 👍

  2. Yeaw…HG! I was waiting to find I fuck at some point! Not even the last on the list. That’s no good.
    I pray, three times a day, maybe more. I think, most of my day, must pay attention at what I’m doing. Behind one simple action there is a lot of thinking and studying.
    Then I try to defuse family crisis.
    Finally the bed, my true love.

      1. “I have. I remove. I strip. I push. I enter. I thrust. I delight. I lick. I bite. I tug. I caress. I probe. I stroke. I entrance. I hypnotise. I mesmerise.

        according to the above you had a bit more activity than zero…

  3. Welcome to the machine. Take a look at https://youtu.be/paG1-lPtIXA
    Bert Kreischer – The Russian Mob Story.
    This sentence somehow links narcissism to a funny youtube story. Maybe HG will not catch that it is just funny and really has nothing to do with narcissism save for the fact that HG could have the nickname “the machine” in real life. Plus I will see if he really does read every comment. *throws match*

  4. Question HG, would you consider this description of your life and say, if you were an unaware Narc, as this is someone who loves life? Do you love life?

    Narc used to say alot how much he loves life. That despite his own suffering inside, he always loves life and to make people laugh. And this still puzzles me. How someone so alone, so bitter, so full of rage, so self-destructive, can love life other than he views his charm, his influence, his power as you describe above, as someone who knows how to love. But he doesn’t seem to see that its not so normal to ‘consume’ people and to plow through so many lives and have not much to show for all that.

    1. An unaware narcissist would read that and not see it as applicable to them. They believe they love life, but what they mean is, they love fuel, they just do not realise they do.

      1. So this is why he always responded to any of my unplanned actions as outlined in your How to Get Him to Hoover post. I think he knows what he is on the one hand but not enough to see that needing fuel is not loving life. He once said he needs people to take from but he didn’t say more and I was starting to guess at what was going on but I was too afraid to ask for more explaination. But any of those points I engaged in did elicit some response. Always. And I always misinterpreted why they all worked even though I was not premeditated in my actions; my behaviors were all emotionally and heart felt or human driven. I just thought he was mixed up in his love for me as well. Not that it was all only feeding his addictions. All of it on some level, whether positive or negative fuel.

    1. Right??!! I read through my letters from him and all the sudden a light came on. Every sentence was I!!! I feel, I’m sorry, I’ll do better, I want. I, I, I. Wow!!

  5. So true… Everyday of the Narc looks exactly the same. He wakes up, he looks good in his expensive clothes, thorougly washed and ironed. He goes to work in his expensive and ideal car. He talks with people in this most gentleman but unemotional manner. He shows off, he proves how good he is at his job to get admiration. He eats once a day, but he doesn’t take pleasure in food. He reads to get knowledge, not for entertainment. He talks to his mother about what he ate and what compliments he got today. And then he turns to his IPPS for fuel. For sex, for admiration, for devaluation, for silence. And goes to sleep while watching tv… Just like that.

    1. Hello Love!
      I would put the letters “wo” in front of the word man.

      This is beyond madness as HG drives his IPPS to madness.

      Sometimes when I read his work, I sit back and SMH and think of how insane life would be with a person like this. I would look at him and know his mind is working in ways that I really can’t comprehend. I think I understand and then I go into full tilt trying to see the world through his eyes. It is surreal.

      I have not had a person like this. I am too selfish with my fuel.

    2. Love
      It is ecstasy and madness and deliciously intoxicating…. BTW, I liked your daily haiku on THE NARCISSISTIC TRUTHS – NO. 41! Nice job!

  6. Dear Mr Tudor,
    The narcissist I know was ex military… clockwork personified! When I would visit for coffee, he would vacate to the bathroom, minimum 4 times! I now summise, he was texting other supplies!
    If his schedule was rattled, he went into a tailspin.
    Regimented as ever!
    Annnnnnd repeat!
    Funny as a fart in a pickle bottle, looking back!
    Amusingly, Thankyou

  7. This is a wicked post! Always on the prowl for fuel, like a shark. I wish I discovered you in 2015, “The Year of The Gaslighting”, then I could have removed myself from the chum bucket sooner.

  8. So there truly is no concern ever for the effect of your actions?

    Is it all about the reaction no matter what the cost?

  9. Hello HG!
    How do you deal with unexpected events that “break up “your mechanised routines?
    Do you ever “perform’ spontaneously or without preparation?


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