Little Acons – No. 1

YOU CARRYMY TORCH

A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child result in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.

Advertisements

57 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 1”

  1. I’m looking forward to learning more about the narc parent-child dynamic to better understand how narcs are created. Thank you!

  2. He played the victim to the rest of the world. “Tell them I am a hero”, he repeated again and again.”Tell them I am your father, tell them my father is a hero”. I never felt he was my father, I had one already. My mother was really ill, so he was a “hero” staying and taking care of her. He pretended to be poor. He never had a proper job, but there was always this idea he was a great lawyer. And he did not take care of her, no, she was his prisoner. She could not walk. He tortured, manipulated and abused her. He did not let anybody see her or help her. And he was abusive to me as well. He destroyed our relationship. He deeply damaged my future relationship with men. I chose so many narcissists because of him. Oh my God, HG. I don’t know what happened, this meme of yours was like the missing key of the puzzle.I don’t know what to say now.

  3. When I am in here, I think about lovers, not parents. It is a kind of denial, I suppose. Or maybe I am tired of analysing my complicated childhood. My father was definitely not a narcisist. My mother…I don’t know what she was. I really don’t. She was absent-present, my mum. But, just 5 minutes ago, I realised that my horrible stepfather was one. Oh, God.

  4. Thank you kind sir I’m looking forward to this new series! I’m sure it will be amazing! Xxx

  5. Thank you for broaching this subject HG.

    I fear for my child. Words were said that worry me since we left “patrinarc”
    I was asked why feelings are so important and why would i not just “cauterize” them… Logic is good yes and intelligence. But feelings are as well.

    Undoing the damage seems a near impossible task now that said child turned 18. I always tried to protect and diffuse situations but…

    My only small relief is that there is some kindness left there and some decency… But I’m not sure if I can salvage what my child would attempt to cauterize…

    I guess only the future will tell…

    1. Ali
      I worked hard to teach my children empathy, but my oldest was always different from his siblings. He was much as you describe your son and it always hurt me inside. He just didn’t have any empathy. He could never understand and doubted it even existed. He thought everyone just pretended to care to trick people. He had no trust in anyone else. His only joy and happiness came from power and domination. I feared for him as an adult as well.
      He’s 34 this year and things have turned out much better than I feared. He met and married a girl who grew up with a narc father, but understood and knew how to protect herself and set boundaries. I could see a big change in my son after he entered this relationship but especially after their first child. He will never know happiness or joy like we do, but he is much more content now and has a very successful life.
      Keep showing your son love and don’t give up hope! ❤️

  6. I second 1Jaded1’s message. I am excited that you have started this serious. And, I know this is a long hard path for you and many of those here still recovering from parents that are narcissistic. Thank you for doing this and sharing this very personal process with us.

    I lucked out in that department, I did not have narcissistic parents, though they had their own issues to work out.

    I am wondering, HG. Have you thought about linking up with therapists in the community that work with those with NPD and those that are survivors of NPD abuse (including ACoNs)? Like have a referral link to those you approve of or go through certain certifications/trainings that you know of? Why I am saying this is that many here cannot find this kind of help and it is a huge need. Lots of crap therapists out there that do more damage. I know, I have had a few personally as well as know a few professionally that I would not send my pets to….and, there are those that are god sends (far and few, though gems). I have found some, though I cannot vouch for them, though one group specializes in ACoNs. Not sure how to share this or if I should. Advice?

  7. Thank you HG. Great choice for #1….carrying a torch, made out of lead and sterno that had to be relit every five minutes because you are in a wind tunnel, running uphill, in shorts and a t shirt they picked for you to wear and you say you’re cold and they say, “you should of worn something warmer, you never listen though do you”?
    A picture is worth a thousand words? In this series more like a thousand tears.

  8. Meaning the child becomes more accomplished then the parent? The child is pushed to do things that the parent did not? i.e. degree in fields that the parent did not pursue? I am guilty of this. One of my sons has personality traits that have scared me in the past. I pushed him the hardest and he is now at 26 making 120k a year. He is an Electrical Engineer working on a master in computer programing and coding.
    At one time, I thought I would lose him to a very dark road. He sent me a text once.

    “Mom, did you ever think I would do something very bad?’

    “Yes, I did.”

    ” Well, I would have had it not been for your superb mothering skills.”

    When he wrote this, I knew I had him back and he would not be evil.

    1. Ah-Oh, you sound like you made every attempt to be a fierce and involved mother. You shouldn’t have doubted yourself but I’m so glad your son reassured you and opened up to you!

    2. Empath cries, please excuse me a moment.
      Right pulled myself together, hat of to you one cool mother.

  9. I guess you could say I am curious how the cerebral mid range I was entangled with…how did he become what he is? What in his childhood made him that way? I know bits and pieces of his childhood history and a few things about the dynamic of his parents and life growing up. Not everything of course, only what he shared here and there (and who knows if it was even true or not….)

    HG, in your opinion, what could causes a child to become a narcissist? Thank you in advance for your insight.

      1. That certainly agrees with my experiences. There’s definitely a large genetic part. I think you can see differences even in babies that are lacking all the emotions. Certainly some babies show all the emotions and very obvious empathy from very early and others do not, even if they’re treated the same.

    1. I do think it can be partially genetic and personality based. Some are born more of an alpha nature. They take it upon themselves to be in leader roles and give orders than take them while others are more followers. Malignant narcissism is unhealthy tho and these people set out to destroy. Narcissism has been around since the beginnjng of humankind. Like anything its a spectrum healthy narcissism exists but too much to the right you have narcissism so profound the person has no regard for anything other than themselves. Thats also when you get into criminal activity bc of sense of entitlement. Sam vaknin i think spent some time in jail for fraud? Sociopaths and psychopaths are more at risk for being criminals.

  10. I hope you write a lot more about the narcissistic parent. I’m just now realizing my mother is one after this last relationship caused me to self reflect about why the hell I keep falling for narc men. Yep, she’s a classic! Raging one minute and crying the next. Control freak to the max. She speaks to me like I am a child and I am 36. My 9 year old even noticed it. It’s a fine balance, trying to figure out how to deal with her without no contact. I do minimal and it seems to injure her. She loves to feel needed and wanted.

  11. I perpetuated the cycle without knowing it. 🙁 N parents, N-ex and N children. It’s so hard to watch my children become N’s. They have no empathy for others, no soul and everyone is a transaction.

    1. That indeed must be so very hard. I was worried my children would be of ‘that kind’ as I was worried that I had not been a good mother. Now I see clearly as out of that fog, that subconciously I have made sure they did not experience what I did and live miles away from the perpetrators. They are my beautiful, kind, loving angels that have there own voice and are heard, granted they are not always right lol! But hey that’s only growing up and being shown boundaries.
      I cannot feel for you truly because I do not know what it’s like but I can resonate as I as you can see had that huge fear.
      Take care

  12. I like these series of posts focused on a common subject. They reveal the narcissist’s real intentions not what they pretend to be.
    Children are only a means to an end. They give the narcissist a false sense of immortality.

    1. Yes, that and to expand more, the child is given role of tending to parent’s needs and validation. I believe I may have another Narc relative and she always viewed her 2 daughters as caretakers for her. For instance she would say to church friends or neighbors when they were growing up, “I’m so glad I have daughters. I know I’ll always be taken care of.” It did not bode well when in her old age into her 90’s she had to go into Assisted Living and was not taken into the home of the daughter she preferred. In contrast to another elderly female family member who never wanted to burden her children, had her kids meet to discuss which items they would want from the household upon her passing so there would be no disputes, was open to going to assisted living so the kids would not feel the guilt of that decision; the other Narc relative never wanted to discuss disbursing items between the daughters. If they brought it up, they were called “vultures”. Burdening them with hard decisions was the last thing on her mind.
      I’m curious HG, does MatriNarc have that kind of dynamic and expectation with Rachael? Her being the only girl and her daughter that she will be named Caretaker and do all of MatriNarc’s bidding as she progresses in her twilight years?

      1. I can tell you that my husband keeps all of his assests secret from our kids. his sister and her son are the only ones who know of his multi bank accounts. He has an unusual relationship with that sister that I just realized recently, or I would have been gone many years ago. I don’t think incest is there but something weird. Both are narcs so they understand each other I guess. And he wonders why I’m fighting him. He acts like he wonders.

      2. Hi Clarece,

        Very interesting, I agree. It is true that they want to be looked after by other family members and refuse to talk about important matters which may come up when they are not able to make their own decisions (power of attorney and other legal arrangements). I think their behaviour has to do with control. Even if they have the financial resources, narcissistic parents want to take advantage of other family members, especially daughters if the narcissist in the family is the mother. If the Acons do not want to sacrifice their lives for their parent, the narcissist will threaten to cut them out of their will.

        My late great-grandmother loved to be the centre of attention and liked to entertain other people telling stories that she thought were “amusing”. One of them was about when she tried to abort her youngest daughter and as she did not “succeed”, she had at least “a daughter to look after me when I am old”.

        Her daughter used to have a good job, bought herself an apartment and took her mother to live with her and took care of her. She never married and was a IPSS. When her mother passed away at 95, her eldest narcissist sister moved to her house to be looked after. When this sister passed away some years later, she was over 70 and exhausted. She died some months later.
        Once she wrote on her FB profile: “My mother was the greatest miracle in my life.”

      3. Hi Clarece,

        Very interesting, I agree. It is true that they want to be looked after by other family members and refuse to talk about important matters which may come up when they are not able to make their own decisions (power of attorney and other legal arrangements). I think their behaviour has to do with control. Even if they have the financial resources, narcissistic parents want to take advantage of other family members, especially daughters if the narcissist in the family is the mother. If the Acons do not want to sacrifice their lives for their parent, the narcissist will threaten to cut them out of their will.

        My late great-grandmother loved to be the centre of attention and liked to entertain other people telling stories that she thought were “amusing”. One of them was about when she tried to abort her youngest daughter and although she did not succeed, she had at least “a daughter to look after me when I am old”.

        Her daughter had a good job, bought herself an apartment and took her mother to live with her and took care of her. She never married and was a IPSS. When her mother passed away at 95, her eldest narcissist sister moved to her house to be looked after. When this sister passed away some years later, she was over 70 and exhausted. She died some months later. Once she wrote on her FB profile: “My mother was the greatest miracle in my life.”

  13. My brother and two ex boyfriends all had inappropriate relationships with their mothers. I always thought it was akin to emotional incest and reminded me of Freud’s Oedipal Mother Complex. One time I was irritated with my boyfriend and quipped, “If you love your mother so much, then why don’t you go home and fuck her.” He got real quiet after I said that. Also, I called all three of them Norman Bates from Psycho.

    1. Ive heard the term “husband son” as well. My mother puts my brother even before her husband who is a cerebral narc. He actually tries to emmulate my brother and be him. My stepdad was in a previous abusive marriage which makes sense now.

      1. Narc affair
        “husband son” “sister wives” it smacks of incest. Yuck, zero boundaries!

      2. K…there was never any incest but she treats her son better than anyone including my stepdad and hes too beaten to think anything of it. In fact he tries hard to be like him to gain my mothers approval. Im soooo glad im not part of that cycle anymore!! Very cleansing to walk away. Altho she still tries to triangulate me with him despite not seeing one another for 11 yrs. How sad is that?

      3. Narc affair
        Very sad! I stay away from my mother and brother. Their relationship is odd. He was always her favorite so I nicknamed him “The Golden Penis” because he could no wrong. The last time I saw my brother was in 2010. I do not miss them at all and no contact is very cleansing, indeed.

  14. I am guessing most of your readers ARE adult children of narcissists. It is what makes us susceptible to your kind. Always something new here, thank you.

  15. Thank you HG, you are definitely shinning a light on that which wants to hide within the darkness.
    It takes a different kind of courage, none of your kind has to go where you are. You truely are an amazing man.

  16. Oh yes, can’t wait for them. My Narc’s mother was a terrible person to interact with… she hated me, she hated her own family, she excluded her own daughter (an empath). Unfortunately, my ex Narc could not see that there’s something wrong with her, not with everybody around her. He is still under a huge influence of her and he’s almost 30 now… Nothing and noone could ever break this bond.

  17. Hello HG. As you are an ACoN as well as a narcissist, I’m thinking that posting this series won’t be easy. Thank you for posting it anyway. You will enlighten many (as you always do). . There will be those who know and understand, as well as those who will receive “aha” moments.

    Again, thank you.

      1. Hi HG,
        I am confused. . .Is this title a new book you are publishing?

    1. …it is cold,dark,rainy,stormy,lonely ..doesn’t matter..whatever means are needed…to achieve the goal,again: Victoria aut Morte. Huge responsability for a child..a decisive and heavy indoctrination at an early age..

  18. Love this new series and ive had a front row show into the making of not one narcissist child but two, my mum and brother.
    My brother is her flying monkey/golden child and he carries her torch in smearing me to family. He smears what she wants him to smear as a result of me bucking the system and defying her control. Sorry mum im not your mini me and i never will be! You tore your own family up to spite yourself. Your grandchildren wont know each other growing up bc of you not me. I no longer carry the torch of guilt and shame you put on me.
    You raised a narcissistic son and i hope youre proud of your creation. He may have a lot fooled but im not one of them and choose to not have that toxin in my life!!! Goodbye felicia!

    1. Great post. One thing wrong though: remove one word “sorry”, because you need to eradicate that word. You have nothing to be sorry for. Your very brave and how enlightening to have that load lifted, with you on that one. Happy life 😃

    2. I understand how you feel my dad got my sister to be the same way so fuckin gullable she is and he told her to her face he was manipulative his golden girl I call her

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.