To Have Not To Hold

to-have-not-to-hold

You can have our kind but you cannot hold on to us. We will not permit it. We are the archetypal individuals who you can experience, you can love, enjoy, cherish and so many other things but the one thing you may not do is hold on to us.

We allow you to have us because what we give you is constructed and comes at no great cost to us. Instead it allows us to gain. By being generous with our supposed love, passionate with our words, highly desirable with our sexual prowess, charming, flattering and everything else which you associate with out love bombing of you, we want you to have it all. We want you to have all of our charm, our magnetism, our illusion. We want you to drown in it, become engulfed by the blazoning lights and soothing sounds, swamped by the seductive desire that we sweep across you like a tsunami. You can have it all because the more we give you, the more likely you will be carried away by this tidal wave of false love. The more sugar we pour over you, the sweeter the golden period and the greater your addiction to us becomes. Naturally,the extent of how much you can have of us is governed by our energy levels and our capacity for control, so that the experience is all the more fuller should you be ensnared by a Mid Ranger than a Lesser and many times more intense should you fall prey to a Greater.

You can have all of our time because it serves our purposes. All of our focus is yours, you get our near undivided attention as we pull out all the stops to seduce and conquer. You can have our financial resources as we spend money on you (even when we may not have the money to spend on you – incurring debt or using someone else’s resources) , take you to places, book interesting days out, tempting nights out and utilise financial muscle, whether ours or borrowed from  bank or devalued victim, in order to let you have the full on magical experience that is being seduced by us.

We will grant you access to our friends, which of course is just allowing the façade to wrap around you and convince you of our bona fides, our supportive and attractive coterie all so giving of their time to you, praising us and welcoming you.

We will allow you to have a route to all of our favourite things, although of course this is manufactured in order to actually allow you to attach to your favourite things as we mirror your likes, your desires and your hopes back at you, but it is still giving of us.

The Somatic and Elite cadres will allow you to have us physically as the weapon of mass seduction that is sex, is rolled our to delight you. You are apparently given access to our most intimate of levels, in a series of steamy and orgasmic encounters as we utilise our well-practised sexual skills in conjunction with the whole orchestrated seduction of you to create an intense and mesmerising experience.

We may move you in, a supposedly generous act as we allow you to have closeness and regular time with us, all engineered of course to maintain our façade of pleasantry and reliability as you are bound closer to us. In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.

Yes, by allowing you to have so much of us, we create the image of someone who gives, someone who sacrifices, who thinks of you before we think of ourselves and thus you, understandably, fall for this and truly believe you have us. You do have us but it is for, in the scheme of things, a fleeting instance. A mere moment in vastness of time and for all of its wonder and brilliance, you are allowed to have us but you cannot hold us.

We cannot allow this to happen because we will turn matters around, in order to ensure that our hunger for fuel is addressed, in order to cater for our slavish devotion to the maintenance of superiority and in order to assert our right to do as we please, when we please, how we please and with whom we please.

You cannot hold us. You cannot keep us. We regard ourselves as that omnipotent force that is not beholden to boundaries, constraints and bondage. You have no say over what we do. You are not there to impose your rules on us, keep us in check or prevent us from seeking out what we need in order to maintain our existence. Indeed, the prevention of you keeping us is material in ensuring that the threat of our departure is something that keeps you working hard to please us,to provide that fuel, be it positive or negative and to allow us to keep you just where we want you. We can keep a hold of you of course, that is the nature of the narcissistic covenant, but as usual, what applies to you will not apply to us and vice versa.

We make the decisions. We choose. We execute and operate. We are not there to be bound to one person and especially one which will invariably fail us. We consider ourselves as beyond such things and therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc.

We want you to try to hold on to us, that is part of our game playing. We want you to strive to keep us, to exert your every waking moment to clinging on to us but it can never happen. We are programmed to reject that desire to keep us as you want us to be. There is no hope for it to happen, but we will give you that false hope, through the respite periods and the periodic resumption of the golden period. You are led to believe that you have managed to keep us, that you can continue to have us and to hold us, but it will not last and it cannot last because the concept of being beholden to you and just you will ultimately run contrary to our needs and as you are well-acquainted with the idea now, our needs must always come first.

We decide when we come back, we decide when the false love is shown to you again, we decide when you get to see us, get to speak to us and receive our attention, seduction, fury or disdain. We must behave this way to shore up our idea of being the one who calls the shots, who makes the decisions and pulls the strings because we dare not contemplate for too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters.

We will always let you have us, but you will never be allowed to hold us.

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60 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold”

  1. This statement made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. “In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.” Gee, thanks…I think?! This post is an awesome view of your world.

  2. The only good thing about this whole deal are your writings.
    It was not clear to me why you were writing these things. I thought fuel but not really then I thought you liked to be brutal because you hated women but again, no.
    Now I think you do this to help others to escape from people like your mother. That brings you joy. Not much because we escape but because in doing that we wound people like her, therefore her.

  3. I read through the comments of the whys and hows of your therapy.
    My true feeling about this is that no matter what someone has done it cannot be forced a therapy on him. It’s pure cruelty and ignorance, besides a therapy with these bases is useless.
    Made me think of Lou Reed. He has been forced into therapy as well. They did elettroshock on him. I think of all the women that had lobotomy done. Lou Reed never talked to his father again.
    Your mother is a fool.

  4. AS always HG, wonderful article!
    I really needed to read this today-to be reminded of the person I once believed was real. These reminders keep me strong and conscious that narcs will always continue to do the same thing-the narcissistic cycle endlessly.
    I love they way you write. Thanks for another great one! 🙂

  5. Well I’m certainly glad HG can smell coffee. It would be awful if he couldn’t. I do not like this tiny new print on the blog now. Is this the new format? I can’t always find my glasses.
    Sometimes I get a notion that narcissists are a different species of human. I don’t want to trade lives with a narcissist because I think feeling love is better. I also think being accountable is better.. My accountability is to God.

  6. Hello Narc affair!
    I find your comment very,very interesting. Actually these same thoughts that you are having now haunted me several times and for a long time. This I am going to state is based on my own experience from a 6 year relationship with a narcissist as an intimate primary source.
    I never felt or saw my ex happy or “relaxed” as you and me can experience it.Until I realised that I was analysing this from my own perspective : a person that CAN feel happiness and i”harmony”/comfort.
    But the truth is that they cannot feel happiness or harmony…they have never felt it because they are not capable of doing it….consequently they cannot be unhappy or discomforted.
    It seems that for them is something non existent..

    I hope you do not find this confusing..but as soon as I stop analysing him from my perspective everything( well the most) made sense…

  7. What a terrible life to live… You can’t feel the joy of love and being loved. You don’t know what true intimacy is. You have no friends who truly love to laugh with you. You can’t enjoy simple things in life: the sun on your face, a walk by the ocean, the smell of morning coffee. You can’t build anything stable in your life. You can’t feel good about yourself in your own skin. A house is not a home.

    1. I understand your sentiments but you have to remember you are regarding all of that from YOUR perspective, you think it is a terrible thing not to be able to feel joy or know what intimacy is. So let me address your observations.
      1. I do not feel joy. I feel power. It does not trouble me at all that I cannot feel joy. However, you feel troubled if you do not feel happy or joy. Who then has the better deal?
      2. Correct I do not feel the joy of loving. Again, that does not concern me in the slightest.
      3. Correct I do not feel the joy of being loved, but I do feel the fuel from being loved. That is what works for me.
      4. My friends do truly laugh with me. My friends enjoy my company, I am interesting, humorous and charming. I have many friends. Their responses are genuine.
      5. I cannot enjoy the simple things in life. Correct, but I do not need to. You do. If I do not need to, then it is of no concern to me is it? I can feel the sun on my face but it does not fill me with for or happiness in the way it does for you, but that doesn’t bother me. I can walk by the ocean and appreciate the view. I can smell coffee. I can use those experiences as part of the construct in my world. You feel happiness from them, they serve a different purpose to me – but they both work for us, just in different ways.
      6. I cannot build anything stable in my life. I have a successful career, many readers, friends I have known for years so I build and maintain many things which remain stable. I accept I bring chaos to many places, usually romantic relationships and I burn, raze and destroy but again that serves my purposes.
      7. I can’t feel good about myself in my own skin. You tell yourself that but I have an excellent conceit of myself.

      The fact is that our victims tell themselves these things in order to make themselves feel better about themselves following what has happened. It is your self-defence mechanism and your emotional thinking underlining your perspective on the world. I understand that. It is the victim station “okay, I have had my heart broken, my finances drained, I am left with debt, a hundred questions running through my mind, I have lost friends, been smeared, not concentrated on my job and nearly lost that because of my entanglement with this person who I now know is a narcissist but he cannot feel good about himself in his own skin/karma will get him in the end/he cannot feel love/his life is empty so there, actually I am the winner.” If that makes you feel better and gives you something to cling onto, that is fair enough, but remember this is from your perspective. From my perspective, I used you up and spat you out and I move on without a backwards glance. I continue to succeed in my endeavours (I accept this is not applicable to all of my kind – especially those from the LLR and MLR schools). I have no need to feel joy and its absence does not impact on me in any way. You are left crying and hurt. I am not.

      Do understand Nat, I am not attacking you with this response but rather I am detailing this in accordance with my continued dissemination of the brutal truth.

      1. “now know is a narcissist but he cannot feel good about himself in his own skin/karma will get him in the end/he cannot feel love/his life is empty so there, actually I am the winner”

        It isn’t a competition – that’s the blind spot a lack of compassion creates. To know an N is always hungry and can never be full doesn’t win me anything.

      2. Dear HG
        It is YOUR self-defence mechanism and your way of thinking underlining your perspective on the world. I understand that.

        I know why you need to do a lot of things which ocupate your time, mind and body.

        Everything what helps you not to think abaut your problems you call fuel.
        Only the intense experiences can cut you from your own emptiness.
        The mind games and super sex etc. helps you not to feel the endless “nothing” in you.

        I understand

      3. This is an interesting perspective HG but from your blogs i dont get the feeling you are content or happy not the way a person should feel happy. Youre running from a creature(your true self/past) continually and using fuel to bury it. You feel unease and thats not a feeling anyone feels good about. The fuels an addiction and codependancy and that isnt strength but the opposite, weakness. Power is seeing dysfunction, facing it and changing it. Thats full control of oneself. Narcissists feel ” out of control” thats why they control others!
        I speak this from my own person situation as well. Ill never be convinced a narcissist is ok with how they feel. You speak of this creature and how it makes you feel and thats a huge weight you carry around that im sure causes you a lot of discomfort and unhappiness.
        This isnt meant to offend at all just my take.

      4. I am jealous of the fact that you have the ability to not feel certain emotions.

      5. ★HG: I must say, quite powerful and well said…. I mean, we are ALL different and what works for one may not work for another… You make it work FOR YOU, so why would you want to change… I do get that. However, it doesn’t mean I condone some of the actions, but as long as you don’t hurt me or someone close to me, I really don’t care how you choose to run your own life. *To each his own* I am just content that I have some understanding, that i previously did not have, as to the dynamics of NPD. I can choose to identify and engage…. or not. I can choose how to deal with “emotions” I had and devastation I experienced from being in said entanglements. I would never attack HG nor try to change him…. i learn from him and I appreciate him…

      6. I absolutely understand your perspective HG, the truth is brutal indeed, I know you don’t miss those things in life, you don’t need them as we do, so they cannot hurt you.

        But still… when I look at the dog who spent entire life in a shelter, I still feel sorry for this animal, though it doesn’t know how beautiful life can be at home. I might show it to him and take him home, but this old dog will not like it anymore. We might say he’s happy in that shelter, but we both know he couldn’t even know what happiness is.

        Now that I know so much about Narcs, I no longer even try to make myself feel better. I no longer have hopes. I feel sorry only for my replacement. I’d prefer to think about my ex as a person with a lethal brain disease – deep inside I would do anything to help him, I could cry, take him to hospitals, and prey, and ask “why him?!”. But still, there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t make him recover. I can’t make him SEE what love, intimacy and happiness is. He’s sick..

      7. HG!
        I must say that after 6 months of being on your blog this is the MOST BRUTAL ,COLD and EXCELLENT presentation of yours.
        Your comment depicts in a harsh and concise way the truth about the real problem in this dynamic between the narcissist and the ones he entangles with. It feels like a slap on the face ,a wake up call an urge of going back to reality again. I have to say as well that it was until I understood the FACT that we are completely different entities with different needs and feelings( because you as well have feelings and needs different from mine) that I finally could find a closure with my ex. No more analysing..just accepting the fact that my ex is who he is and moving on.
        I am not usually very expressive with words but this one I had to comment: THANK YOU for bringing me back to reality again with this cold,harsh truth.

      8. You are welcome Superxena, I am pleased that you are able to use it in this way to progress.

      9. although I want to add that regarding pain or wound…both “your kind” and “my kind ” have those feelings and as far as I understand the narcissistic wound (as you have described it) is as deep and profound as the wound inflicted by your kind to us…being the main difference between “you” and “me” the way we deal with it…so I don’t think that in this case, neither “you” or”me” have a better deal…

      10. But if it all works so well, why the therapy? Yes, I understand it was so ordered but you must have crossed some lines or something. Some things egregious enough that others saw or experienced that landed you there. In otherwords, this list you just made for Nat describes what works for you, why and how. And it seems so real and functiinal, but what about an equally long list of what is not working?

        See, we are that list. We are not saying what we say just to balance the feeling of having been soul raped. We descibe our experiences as we are everything that is dysfunctional about you. I do not have such a desciption of my self in my real partnership. But in relatoon to you, we are what is not working in you, everything you disowned, we absorbed and became.. Hence why we are the mirror as well. We absorbed everything you don’t want to be. The narc is never going to know who I really was because he was so vested in getting me to work a certain way, getting me to become his shadow self. Getting me to be everything about himself he can’t be. I was easy to control and manipulate because been here, done this in my family. I slipped in easily.

        With each day I get better and better, I wonder who he is torturing now as he has to have someone to destroy, to become his corruption.

      11. I have explained many times why I have engaged in the therapy. I had it forced on me but I agreed with certain conditions and those conditions are achieving matters which I want to achieve and therefore undergoing the therapy will enable me to get what I want.

        Of the things which are not working? They don’t matter to me do they, because I do what I want and I have no remorse or conscience.

      12. But isn’t it true that your 5 rules alter how you may want to operate, so you can be restrained here from completely doing what you want?

      13. Yes, and I said I know you were ordered to but there are reasons why which you have kept private and it is those reasons to which I am referring to. Yes, I know you do what you want and don’t care. Its just there are missing pieces to your story. Point still remains that what you don’t care about is what your victims act out. By denying it in you, or not having it in you, it becomes their burden. Energy is neither created nor destroyed comes to mind. You offload it from yourself, they carry it for you. So its still there around you, just not a part of you. Just what came to mind yesterday.

      14. See, we dont fall apart because we feel, have emotions and are so crippled. We fall apart because we have become the YOU that won’t and can’t fall apart as you did as a child. We cry because you lost that ability. We cry for the normal responses that were denied you as a child and that you still don’t have but energy must move so we do it for you. The receptacles of all those disowned parts of yourself.

      15. This sentence “From my perspective, I used you up and spat you out and I move on without a backwards glance.”
        Repitition Compulsion there. Who are you really trying to chew up and spit out first? Are you doing it to them before they can do it to you? Does it seem like a win when you complete this task and move on to the exciting new prospect? Does fuel = winning?

      16. Thank you. So If it is winning and you are beating them, the whole thing is like a game in your mind?
        Are you really just beating or winning against Matrinarc repetitively?
        Side note….watched Becoming Cary Grant on Showtime….Narcissist with Mom Issues. Definitely narcissist but you understand what made him and how lost and caught up he got the facade. Poor Archie Leach I bet he was so much more than Cary Grant.

      17. I am curious why your mother as a narcissist would force you to get therapy HG. It wouldve had to have been something substantial to push you into therapy with a monetary ultimatum. Hopefully nothing of a criminal nature. You dont strike me as the type. I guess we dont know all the facts but that is something that piques my interest..why force you into therapy? What does she have to gain by you in therapy? If shes a narcissist she certainly wouldnt want a therapist messing with her handiwork. So why?

      18. As explained many times before, there was the threat of criminal and regulatory investigations against me. They are based on lies but the time involved would be an unnecessary drain and distraction. The threat of those would be removed if I attended therapy to address my behaviour. I was also threatened with the loss of my inheritance. I also agreed to it for additional reasons which will become apparent to you in due course. She has control to gain by keeping me in therapy and the maintenance of her facade which believe me is a huge facade.

        She doesn’t know what she is. She does not regard the therapist as messing with her handiwork – she sees it as extending her handiwork.

      19. Have the criminal inquiries been put to rest since you’ve been in therapy a couple of years now? Or is there still an active investigation going on?

      20. There was never any investigation to begin with because no complaint had been filed. The threat was to file a complaint to bring about the investigations, which would have drawn a blank but I do not want the intrusion nor the drain on my time.

      21. I do agree with you HG-After several Pvt Consultations you stated:
        ” interesting, humorous and charming.” I will add that you are HIGHLY intelligent, magnetic and very handsome(even though I’ve never seen you, I know it”
        Thank you for all you do!!!

      22. Ty for your reply HG. Ive not read anything about this situation. Of course its very personal and we dont know the details yet.

      1. Such a hard concept to understand even reading your truths … so hard to understand .

  8. Thank you. I needed to hear this today. My head knows this to be the truth. If only my heart could follow.

      1. You state ‘we dare not contemplate too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters’. I’m just curious what would happen if we do take hold.

  9. Corinthians 13: 4-13

    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

    13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

    1. “Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love”…. ~ Thich Nhat Hahn ~

  10. HG,
    As much as I do not feel like dishing out the compliments, this article really is starting to bring it home. The timing is almost coincidental to what I am needing. At least you are able to provide insight with thoughtful reading from a place without a conscious. Unfortunate the motive is not truly to help others. Talented writing nonetheless, and can’t help but want to dig into the mind of an individual like yourself.

      1. HG,
        You are welcome. My anger at my recognition of the situation appears to be directed towards you, and what I have thus far, I’m sure you won’t mind.
        Appreciate your patience.

  11. Such an old looking hand 😄 narcissists are definitely not committment material. They will never belong to anyone yet everyone belongs to them.

  12. So he thought. The sad thing of it HG is that with this mindset, you and he keep operating. He is 54, so you have a few years to go. But you never will see or experience what life is like to just stop so much control and fear and destruction. I am getting it, your world reality, but there is so, so much you won’t ever experience. And I think you could. Like I think he could. You just have to stop one step at a time. One step. But you can’t any more than he could. The people he has gone through these past 3 years… you will only add more cadvres but will never really get on top of what you run from.

  13. It is quite evident you have excellent verbal reasoning and concept formation as well as abstract categorical reasoning. You really are great at distinguishing between essential and nonessential features and picking up on patterns.

    I would be interested to hear your perspective on subtypes of psyhopathy. Have you considered creating a classification system for psychopaths?

  14. HG, thank you for sharing this. This sounds so like the guy I was in an online relationship with for a year. He did call the shots. Always. Except the very last time he tried to hoover me and talk about meeting again in person, possibly even sleep with him, I told him I had to go out with friends and would continue this later, but I never came back. He hasn’t called the shots anymore.

    I feel cold hearted for ending it like that after the intimate talks we shared, but i felt so addicted to him and he was so good at knowing just when to turn on the charm to keep me in his harem, there was no way to end it unless he had no opportunity to convince me leaving was a mistake. And I still worry at times it was a mistake.

  15. This article has always stirred something in me I could not quite put into words. I’ll try now.

    You say that you will not be bound to one person yet you are still hoping to find The One. In case you found her, how would you imagine this to work out, HG?

    You would lie to her, cheat on her, come and leave as you please, disregard her wishes, show no concern at all for her well-being. Because all that matters is what YOU want, correct?

    With every decision we make, we give up something to gain something we deem more valuable. Some day, you will have to ask yourself if insisting on doing what you want is really worth losing *everything else* for.

    If you’re lucky enough to find The One in this lifetime, you will not be able to keep her if you’re not willing to give up some of your freedoms and make some concessions.

    But then again, you might not care, and one could conclude that you have never been earnest about finding her.

    Quite puzzling.

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