Little Acons – No. 2

IT'S YOUR DUTY

A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child result in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.

38 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 2

  1. Pamela says:

    Flawed logic, it is the parents duty only. Not the child’s. Powerful stuff, HG.

  2. MLA - Clarece says:

    It’s your duty to dominate and dazzle…

  3. foolme1time says:

    Sarabella I never realized any of this until I just read your comment! My older sister was the one with resentment ( which I still to this day hear about) for having to take care of me! My brother who is the oldest has trust issues even still today and is on his third wife! I had know idea I had an narcisstict parent until I found HG! The truth is I found him through a friend who was just discarded from a narc. and I wanted to learn more to help her. Little did I know my ex who soon after that left me because I found out about another woman, was himself a midrange somatic! I never realized the effect it had on my siblings until just now! Thank you, I think!! Lol. I don’t mean to laugh but at this point I have nothing else left inside of me!! 🌻

    1. sarabella says:

      Want to really laugh? My father said my sister was always angry. And they thought it was cause of red hair. Like red haired temperament?! I think now because she was angry because she was connected to what she was missing very early on and knew we all needed more but she didn’t have the resources herself being a child to fill in all the gaps. But she never dealt with it and just took her anger and resentment into her adult life.

      yeah, it all falls into place, doesn’t it?! You laugh, you cry about it and then are just amazed you never figured it out before.

      1. foolme1time says:

        Here’s another laugh for you! My sister also is a ginger! Smh

  4. 12345 says:

    My monster, I mean mother, would occasionally say “I’m sorry…but” and then she’d say why she had to do what she did…because of our behavior of course. Typically a hard slap across the face out of almost nowhere. Then if my sister and I didn’t “forgive” immediately and I mean within a minute of her shitty apology she would fly into a rage if we didn’t act like everything was completely fine and that we adored her. We were not allowed to feel ANY emotion whatsoever that reflected poorly on her.

    As a result I’ve told my 20 year old daughter her entire life that she was free to feel any emotion she needed to in order to process how she felt. She would tell you now that she will NEVER say that to her kids because she is so sick of me saying she is free to feel her feelings.

    Note to self….balance is the goal! I went so far in the other extreme from my monster that it drove my daughter crazy! I have to laugh about that one.

  5. horseyak says:

    Same expression, woman’s body and you have my mother.

  6. K says:

    In The House of Lessers there was no duty, just violence and control. There was nothing I could do as I watched my mother and father destroy my twin and turn him into a narcissist. Mostly, I just stood by crying. Sometimes I wonder: How close was I to becoming a narcissist like my twin?

    1. sarabella says:

      I think this is the WORST part about this… when one sibling stands by and watches another (s) be destroyed or emotionally abused. Although my father and I have made amends, my brother was broken watching my father take out his anger on me by cutting me off as he dealt with my mother’s betrayals and narcissism when she finally went too far and he walked away. I know it killed my brother… bad enough that the parents are so dysfunctional, but then to have each sibling receive vastly different treatment in the fall out of this narcissism rippling through the family and tearing it apart. I then watched as my mother failed to do anything for my clearly struggling brother while she stayed at arm’s length and lived a comfortable life. Horrible.

      1. K says:

        sarabella
        I tried to hold my brother in my arms to protect him from them, but my parents pulled him away from me. I was about 4 years old and I will never forget it.

        1. sarabella says:

          K, I am sorry. πŸ™ That is the hardest part of this, being a child in all this. To bear witness. My brother and were really close when we were young. And while it’s true that siblings change as they grow older, I know that had my parents dealt with their break up better, maybe we would have stayed closer, maybe we wouldn’t have run to our own corners to nurse our wounds and try to survive. Maybe he would still be alive today. And that is a unique pain only an ACON will know.

      2. K says:

        sarabella
        Sorry about your brother. The loss is inexcusable. I wish there was a way to fix it for both of us, but there isn’t and that is truly a pain that only an ACON can know. I understand your depth of betrayal and hurt re: your sister’s letter and she never should have blamed you for how you felt about being abused. It wasn’t your responsibility. Keep your daughter close to you and safe. Children are wonderful!

      3. June says:

        Sarabella, I’m so sorry about you and your brother’s relationship being torn apart by what happened to you.

        And while it was totally wrong of your sister to physically hurt you and cut herself off from you emotionally…dealing with this stuff is hard, and it sounds like she did so because she was in a lot of pain. I hope things can change eventually between you two. <3

        Just yesterday, I started beginning to try to repair years of mistrust, jealousy, and emotional distance between me and my own brother. He really genuinely thought, and told me matter of factly, that I would choose my laptop over him even if someone paid me to choose him. (It's not true, just so you know. I love my laptop, but I could replace it. I could never replace my brother.)

        And for me…it's hard for me to open up to anyone in person, but even harder when I'm afraid he'll make fun of me for what I say or use it against me when he's in a bad mood. He has before. And the way he treats people…even though from his perspective they deserve it, it's…it's not good. I wonder if he's a narcissist himself. Things he's said make me think he's on the verge of self-awareness about it too. Like saying destroying a kid socially and emotionally for disagreeing with him was like his job, something he just had to do.

        Sigh. But we're working on it. And hey, HG actually has a pretty good relationship with his younger brother, doesn't he? So even if he is a narcissist, that doesn't mean things are hopeless. πŸ™‚

        I'm so sorry about your brother passing away, Sarabella. And that just gives me more motivation to make things right with mine.

  7. AH OH says:

    I approached it in a very different way. I never said it was their duty. I said it was my duty.

  8. E. B. says:

    This is exactly what I was told over and over again. Narcissists believe they have all the rights but no duties and responsibilities for their children and they will find an excuse to justify their needs and behaviour.

    For example, the narcissist parent will raise one over-responsible child who will feel he/she has to take care of almost everything and everyone in adult life, a second child who will feel responsible for some areas only and a third one who has to be taken care of.

    This brainwashing is extremely harmful when narcissist parents belittle or ignore their children’s accomplishments but they praise them for being over-responsible. A narcissist partner (an IP or at work) may notice this conditioning and will know how to take advantage of it.

    I believe that narcissistic, empath and co-dependent traits are taught. Children in unhealthy families are assigned different roles and raised differently.

    1. sarabella says:

      “For example, the narcissist parent will raise one over-responsible child who will feel he/she has to take care of almost everything and everyone in adult life, a second child who will feel responsible for some areas only and a third one who has to be taken care of. ”

      Holy shit. You just described all of me and my siblings. My sister the older, me the middle, my brother last. My sister said she felt she always had to take care of me and my brother. Her resentment was sky high and at one point, claimed she moved across the world to ‘escape’ all of the family problems. The problem is, when I asked my father what exactly my sister did to take care of us, he said she never did. So in her case, she FELT the responsiblity, resented the gap my mother left and in her mind, she felt responsible and overburdened. So in her case, she saw and knew we were not being cared for properly (not financially so much but emotionally and spiritually) and her guilt or absorption of the reality made her think she was doing something and in her resentment, she was a very angry abusive girl pushing and rejecting a responsibility she didn’t want but then later, thought she had taken on. Does that make sense? She actually shunned me and my brother a long time ago, but then recently, accused me of shunning my brother because at long last, after hurting so much also for the neglect of him, I pulled away. When she did it all those years, no problem. When me and my dad finally gave up, we were the bad guys.

      All of this swirling around because my narc mother had orchestrated it all for us to do this so she did not have to get involved, get off her ass, struggle and fight for her children and keep us together. The saddest was my little brother who was in fact, a mama’s boy so can you imagine what it did to his head and psyche when she split to live his life? He contorted himself to balance the gaping wounds she left, to forgive her and to reinstate himself and found distrubing ways to try to get cared for that were profoundly destructive to his life and in the end, ended his life.

      Wow. You nailed this one.

      1. E. B. says:

        Hi Sarabella,

        It is sad to read that your brother ended his life. I am very sorry about it. His pain must have been unbearable.

        “…when I asked my father what exactly my sister did to take care of us, he said she never did.”

        Have your ever asked your sister this question? Unless she became a narcissist or a pathological liar, she will give you an honest answer.

        It is not that I am on your sister’s side as I do not know her but I wanted you to know that if you asked any of my narcissist parents about me, they will give you similar answers, that I *never* did anything for them or for anyone, that I *always* was this or that. This is the *all-or-nothing* way of thinking.

        I am sorry to say that first I do not believe your father when he uses the word *never*. Second, if it is true what he said about your sister, he should have added that he did not let your sister do it because it was not her responsibility to take care of her siblings but *HIS and his wife*. She is not your mother. You already have a mother and a father.

        It is important to hear both sides of the story if we want to know the truth.

        1. sarabella says:

          EB, sorry I misled. He didn’t actively end his life but started to self-medicate at a very young age and act out criminally when my mother left. A lifetime of untreated mental health issues and substance abuse destroyed his life.

          I don’t need to ask my sister as other comments she made allowed me to put it all together though it took years. And she would never, ever have an emotional discussion with me. In fact, she outright said, I will not talk about it anymore. Thing is, she never wanted to talk about it and never did. I was always met with her angered silent treatment, scowling, looks, and walking away. I never had a sister to share this hurt with. Just my brother but then at some point, he was just living his life, nursing his own wounds and coping.

          My father could not have added all that as my mother left with me and thus there was no effort on her part to continue to be an active parent to my sister or my brother except for 2 times a year for a summer and winter visit. The logistics alone told alot of the story. She only got very involved with my sister when she had kids, so she could be the doting, loving grandmother.

          It has taken me 30 years to piece this all together at last so I wouldn’t expect to be able to convey all of the nuances in a single post. But I do know the truth now. I listened enough this time to what my sister was telling me, to what my father told me, to the ‘evidence’, to my mother’s childish outbursts 2 years ago, to learning at last about narcissism and the family to understand what has been really going on.

          Sad thing? My daughter is never going to know my mother because I refuse to chase anymore the mother I never had. And except for a few lame hoovers, she has made zero effort to reach out. Pretty much how she always was though, but this time, I am accepting it as it is, rather than resisting it and fighting it. This is who she always was, I just invented alot of things to fill in the gaps, just like my sister did with her anger and misplaced ideas of responsiblity born out of her own defense to survive and her role as the Golden Child.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            By protecting and filtering that garbage out of your daughter’s life though, you will have that relationship with her that will bond you two so strongly. I don’t know how old your daughter is? If she’s still pretty young? Mine is in middle school now and in those off moments when she comes to me to tell me how much she loves me and as she put it the other night “I know I may be getting hormonal now, you know, with changes, and acting like I don’t want you around sometimes, but I love you so much and I’m so glad you’re my mom.”
            Because of what you went through, I imagine you have talks with your daughter to have her better prepared mentally and emotionally for any negative or toxic behavior she may experience from other people. And you will reap the benefits of that tenfold with having a beautiful mother / daughter relationship with her.

          2. sarabella says:

            Thank you MLA….

            I mistakenly didn’t see a toxic friend this past 2 years and she kept telling me I had no right to deny my daughter her roots. I was so angry when she kept telling me that as here she was, someone who had to stay away from her own mother because her own mother made her feel so dirty and ugly and unloved and abused. But I wasn’t allowed to make a similar decision?

            Why is this such a pattern around my life? Friends, my sister, tellling me I cannot defend my life, it is not allowed but they can do and say whatever they want and its ok?

            I make yearly efforts to expose her to my father’s family side and to a place we do have some historical roots, but why should I be forced to take my daughter to my mother who made it clear 7 years ago that she was not going to make any efforts to come in to my life?

            Yes, I have a very close relationship with my daughter. She is vibrantly open with me. My father even commented on how attached she is to me. We are close, enjoy each other, affectionate, bonded. Why would I risk that to expose her to a mother who never had any of that with me? I coslept with my daughter when she was a baby and literally, every single conversation begane with, is she in her own crib? It was after getting narcissism more than I did that I understood she was even THEN trying to break up my bond with my daughter, control me, put down my parenting choices and criticize me, like an all in one. How insanse is that?!

            So thank you as I sometimes do wonder if this is the best solution then I pause and think and remind myself. It may hurt that this is it, that it has to be this way, but could it hurt anymore than what I was denying of my feelings every time I tried to be close to her or feel accepted by her? I was always scrambling to find something she might like about me. And I now get how she was punishing me for decades for what she did, too. This pain is less and I would never forgive myself if after what I know now, my mother ever got in my daughter’s head and turned her against me.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            You just keep doing what you’re doing with your daughter. You stopped a pattern, transcended and get to experience the greatest bond that can exist which is between mother and daughter, at least from the mothering side. Your daughter will carry that through her life and if there are grandchildren, you’ll get to have those beautiful relationships to look forward to and grow with also. Love will fill your heart from those relationships.
            Your job as a mother is to protect. That is what you’re doing right now. When you’re daughter is an adult, she can see her grandmother on her own terms then. And believe me, from your open and honest approach and being a fierce mom in her formative years, she will be no dummy and see right thru your mother at that point.
            My daughter’s dad and I split when she was 4 and in pre-school. We were the first couple in her class to split. When it was the two of us in our house, our evening ritual was always me reading to her at night and rubbing her back until she fell asleep. Many times she wanted to do that in my room. I didn’t care if she crashed in my bed. She did not like sleeping alone in her room by herself and she says she always feels “safe” with me. Since she was such an easy child and would always fall right asleep, who cares if it was my room or her room back then? Her best friend’s dad died from cancer in 2nd grade. Her mom has shared that her daughter sleeps a few nights a week in her bed just because she likes being close to her mom. There are all kinds of circumstances and reasons if one lets their kid sleep in their room during a transition or for whatever reason. Your mother was projecting about the crib because clearly she pushed away that intimate attachment with her babies. It’s on her. Not you.

          4. E. B. says:

            Clarece,
            I like your comment about the mother-daughter relationship.

          5. E. B. says:

            Sarabella,

            Thank you for clarifying about what happened to your brother. I know that there are many things you know about your sister and her behaviour and you are only one who is able to form a more accurate opinion about her personality. It is good that you keep her letters. I made the mistake to delete most of the emails my family had sent me before I went no contact. These emails would have helped me to have some evidence I could need to protect myself if they carry out their threats (I think they will not).

            When your daughter becomes an adult she will appreciate your efforts to protect her from an unhealthy and harmful grandmother.

          6. sarabella says:

            EB, I always wondered why she was always so angry. She used to bully me and physically hit me alot. When I started to remember that, my mother actually confirmed it. There are many reasons she was so angry and the reasons have more meaning now. The bottom line though is that sadly, we can’t have a relationship because all it does is remind us of our past and with my brother gone, the wounds are too great

            I just blamed myself so much for society being what it is that they can’t accept people with physical issues that it made it near impossible to separate out that reality from the fact that I had a very unloving and unkind mother. Oh, she could wax empathy for other people and other people’s plight but she was in direct competition with me. I received no understanding or compassion. I just never saw that it wasn’t me. It was me for other reasons cause that’s the way it is with the ugly parts of humanity, but it wasn’t “me” when it came to my family.

          7. E. B. says:

            Sarabella,

            I do not know why your sister used to be angry at you as I do not know your family.
            It could be Triangulation (Divide and Conquer). Narcissists will lie to two people about what the other supposedly did or said. Maybe your sister was angry at you because of the lies she used to hear about you from a narcissistic family member. It is a control tactic. Narcissistic parents do not want that their children have a good relationship among them or become a group which could turn against them. Besides, the child/Acon who often hears the narcissist complain about his/her siblings will feel “special” and “accepted” by the parent and “better than his/her siblings”. This child/Acon would rather feel rejected by his siblings than by the narcissist parent.

            Maybe your sister hated your mother but she used to displace her anger onto you because you were not as threatening as your narcissistic mother. In our culture, it is ok to bully a sibling but not a “Mother”.

            My mother played the Martyr/Victim role too and she used to show empathy to others but not to me.
            When I see people who are unbalanced in their behaviour, I think this could be a red flag.

        2. sarabella says:

          EB, I would add one thing. Let me tell you how I also figured more out. I kept alot of letters from people. I found one my sister wrote to me as a late teen and I was but 16 or so I believe. She told me that I needed to stop playing games, be the responsible one, and so many things that when I read it now, and understand what was going on at that time (some serious effed up shit), she was projecting everything she was thinking to survive on to me. Why was I, a 15 year old, suppossed to be smarter than my parents?!!!!! I read that letter and wanted to vomit cause I remember when she sent it. I was wanting so much for someone to be on my side, to understand the depth of betrayal and hurt I was coping with from my parents and grandparents, and here I was, being blammed for wondering how I was failing to act properly to being neglected and abused by my parents and grand parents. This is how I saw though, that while it hurt alot so young to get that, to know that I was being blamed, she was writing about her ideas of how she was coping. Be more responsible than your own parents was the message….

    2. SVR says:

      Sometimes you don’t even realise you were from a dysfunctional family as you know no different. Some people never have the Awakening required. I have the narc I met to thank for drawing my attention to wounds I never knew I really had, but knew there was something with me but could not put my finger on it. I will add I thank that narc for nothing more.

      1. E. B. says:

        SVR,
        I totally agree with you.

      2. sarabella says:

        Yes, I can sort of thank him (and did actually) for that now. When I read 2 years ago, people sort of feeling ‘grateful’ to a narc for showing them some things, as they survived enough to go on to lead much better lives, I thought that was impossible. I thought I would never, ever get over how much hurt me gain. Never. I felt so frozen in utter pain, hurt and felt so violated.

        But I hung in there and did realize that he showed me how desperately attached to him I was for some odd reason and it was not all manipulated by him. He says he could not take my infatuation with him so I will leave him alone and never reach out again. But from so much of what happened with him, I learned to connect to my own heart in a far more honest manner than I ever did before. I found wounds he put there in me a long time ago and why he actually had changed my own life ages ago. It’s a powerful experience if one can survive it.

  9. DLS says:

    “It is your duty to do everything I say without discussing it and right away or…..terrible things will happen to you, tsunamies of shit will swallow you and spit you out, nobody will ever want you or talk to you, you’ll die alone and rejected.”

    Then you realize that those are the things that will happen if you keep listening to that person the destiny decided would have been one or both of your parents.

    Few years ago I went to the Santuary of Loreto. Once there I decided to confess myself and I had to wait a long time because there was a crowd before me.
    Then my turn came and I decided to confess the one thing that I was struggling with the most: my parents. I said” look, I know the fourth commendment but I just can’t honour my parents. They ask me to do things I don’t agree with because they are wrong. They use me and put me through unnecessary stress and pain. I feel nothing but anger towards them. How can I obey the Lord in this circumstance?”
    He told me I didn’t understand the commandment. The Lord wasn’t asking me to do all my parents were saying. I had the right not to obey them if their requests were wrong. Jesus himself didn’t obey his parents when He was only twelve and stayed in the Temple without the permission of His father and mother.
    I had to be decent with them but I didn’t have to do everything they told me to do.

    The priest was old, with a long grey bierd and a small figure but the energy and strenght that was radiating were almost unatural.
    I felt renewed in my faith and myself. I was fighting a good battle. He had cleared my doubts. I will never forget that confession.

  10. “I didn’t have four kids not to have my own quartet!!” ha

  11. Narc affair says:

    The narc parent places a lot of duty on their children and if they dont conform to their expectations they will punish them until they eventually mould them into what they want or they alienate them from the family. Its your duty as a narc child to do and not ask questions, believe their take on everything what they say is always right, dislike who they dislike, never assert your own opinion, live up their expectations, do their dirty work, be their minion and flying monkey, back them, be who they want you to be. As a child of a narc youre duty bound to be extensions of them and never have a mind of your own. If you can do all that you graduate to golden child then unto nrcissistic adult. If not youre shunned and made a scapegoat but you have your dignity and you can be you.

    1. sarabella says:

      This meme hit me in the gut and I was to afraid to wonder why. Thanks for putting the energy into expressing it. I am only just getting the intricacies of the fact that my mother has veen ounishing me for decades for HER obscene behavior because she got caught and she was shamed deeply. I never ever saw this until reading and reading herr to out it togetherm

    2. SVR says:

      My sister is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. I am not sure of my sister and wonder if she is a narc or an empath. She has never really hurt me except for 1 physical incident when young and 1 verbal as an adult, so my question is can a golden child turn out to be an empath?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Yes.

      2. ACON's Mom says:

        Yes.

    3. Tiny Dancer says:

      It’s all come to a head, things in my marriage, over my Ns treatment of our older child. The younger is the golden child.

      I backed our older on a decision that wasn’t her decision and holy fury.

      The most eye opening part for me was when she, weeks later and still raging, came to find me to say “but how would you feel if you were me” and I said “but it isn’t about you, he’s happy” (a seriously benign, normal decision on his part like deciding to have cup cakes instead of a cake for his birthday) and she said typical and stormed off. She’s still pissed about it and has never once acknowledged his happiness as an actual positive thing.

      It’s the saddest, saddest thing and no one wins here.

      1. Tiny Dancer says:

        And it’s been miserable going against her. She’s not just raging to herself in the corner. Both of us have been mocked and ridiculed repeatedly in private and in public. The entire experience, that in any normal world would be fun, has been almost unbearable except for the fact that she’s out of town more than in these days. And ultimately she’s gotten her way not entirely but enough to prove her point that when she said the decision is up to him what she meant was the decision was hers and hers alone to make.

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