I Remember

i-remember 

The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all). She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance. On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on. Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me. She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had one this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.

32 thoughts on “I Remember

  1. Maia says:

    You’re pleading to the good nature of a narc sociopath?!! They don’t have one!

  2. KT says:

    HG please leave Jane be. Please allow her to heal. Don’t give her false hope

  3. Watermelon says:

    This post makes me feel sad for Jane.

  4. June says:

    No offense HG, but that is a disgusting thing to do to poor Jane. Wow.

    Just wondering…since there are so few narcissists who speak honestly about what they are, have any of your own victims, in their healing process, ever come across this website?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I very much doubt it. If they have, they have not made themselves known.

  5. I remember all dates.
    March 28 first date
    April 13 first kiss
    April 21st first time in bed
    April 22nd first party, and weed
    May 24th moved in with him
    June 4th the shattering

    6 years ago

    1. KT says:

      Did it only last 4 months?

      1. emotion detective says:

        No, it should have though. It still continues all these years.

    2. Windstorm2 says:

      That’s very rough. Can you focus on positive dates? Happy, uplifting, spiritual, life-affirming events that have happened since you left him? Maybe start a list of dates for positive milestones and achievements? Just a thought.

      I have even written things I don’t want to remember on a paper and burned it outside and let the wind blow the ashes away. Then whenever one of those memories pops in my mind I remember the ashes blowing away.
      Ive also taken colored gel pens to write a list of positive memories in a journal. When I feel down I visualize this colorful list and think of how it keeps growing.

    3. Tiny Dancer says:

      🙁

  6. Not So Sad says:

    X marks the spot LOVE .. Fatal with a narc .:)

    🙂

    I hope you’re doing ok.

    NNS x

    1. Love says:

      Yes NSS, x does mark the spot. 😲😵
      I’m good. Hope you are doing well. Sounds like you’re enjoying the summer.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thanks Love:)

        One day really hot sun & the next rain coat & umbrellas 🙂 I’m happy to read you’re doing well as always .

        NNS x

  7. Exhausted says:

    As intelligent as I think I am, I got hoovered back into play

    1. C★ says:

      exhausted… it happens, but just try to move on and stay n/c

  8. Victoria says:

    Great article HG. So even though you did not want her back at that time were you waiting for Andrea’s devaluation to commence before contacting her again? Or was the formal relationship with her over for good.
    Fascinating to see first hand how contact from us is interpreted and taken. Thank you 🙂

  9. Love says:

    Who would have known that a little x could carry so much power?

  10. DLS says:

    He’ll never know how I feel.
    https://youtu.be/HG7I4oniOyA

  11. KT says:

    Would you have wanted her back if you had no IPPS at the time?

  12. DLS says:

    All those “since I hate you then no, wait, I love you…” that would have driven me mad.
    I would have called you “freak bastard”, screamed at you with all the voice in my throat.

  13. jenna says:

    Aww jane sounds sweet and sentimental. I hope you hoovered her nicely.

  14. gypsylee73 says:

    This is pretty funny. Especially the “..since I realised I hate you” notes. Thanks for the lulz, HG!

    1. Anonymous says:

      And this is why you’re my best friend, we’re probably the only weirdos who find this funny. Move to an island with me?

      Jane sounds rather annoying, but I’m sure she’s a nice and lovely person and so on and so forth.

      1. C★ says:

        Anonymous…annoying as all hell‼︎‼︎…. my thoughts exactly as I read this

  15. ELLE says:

    Wow HG!
    Seriously effective manipulation tactics. It’s impressive and scary.

    My narc is a somatic and I believe lesser. Silent treatments and spits venom drop of hat.

    He has not hoovered for a 1.5 yr but has been busy with others… and I haven’t messaged or seen him.

    He told me he hated me and to die and that he never wanted me the last time we communicated … interesting to see how YOU do that too …

    I miss him. Lol.

  16. Hannah says:

    Can you remind me that it happens to all of us, that the “other one” or the one we are being told is better will fall as well? I’m having trouble remembering that today. I also need to remember that I will probably be shiny and new again at some point. These things are both obvious and hard to deal with until they come to fruition.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It happens to you all. The new IPPS will fall, just as you did.

  17. gabbanzobean says:

    I feel for Jane. I am just like her. I never forget a thing either.

    And I hear you on the “take the wonderful, batter it, twist it, warp it”. Case in point. He had a song for me. “Beautiful Mess” by Jason Mraz. (feel free to look it up, it strikes me as very subconscious….) which he dedicated to me. He was a mid range cerebral so he analyzed all the lyrics in the most sweet and loving manner. Despite the obvious undertones of some of the lyrics…

    And towards the end of things before I was cast aside? He had the same talk with me about our song, but rather than analyze it in the loving way he originally did, he did it in a mocking way, picking apart the lyrics again and laughing about it. He was still polite and charming too with undertones of mockery and cruelty toward our relationship and me.

    He took a beautiful song and destroyed it.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      They can take a beautiful anything and destroy it. Mockery. Just like you talked about with the song. Totally mock how you feel about something important to you – often something they had formerly acted like they approved or agreed with. That mockery was so devastating.

  18. TEX says:

    Not only am I preparing for divorce I recently ended a relationship with one of your elite members. The hoover attempts you write about blew me away, like clock work they were. I love reading these, he still texts and I try so hard not to reply. These help me so much, I picture him doing and saying the same things. Most times I don’t reply, never answer the calls but every now and then I just can’t help myself. I won’t see him, that I know but I will admit for the first time ever I became addicted to someone. I knew it was never going to be a permanent thing, I did it anyway thought I could handle it.
    Yeah no, totally fell and I paid for it boy. Next mission after divorce is me, that’s for damn sure!

    1. C★ says:

      I will be curious as to how the divorce proceeds with this Narc. Have you served him yet? … I have been n/c and haven’t gotten the courage up to file yet, for the 2nd time… it was so bad the 1st time, I had it dismissed. please let me know how it goes for you. This is my 3rd Narc marriage. never again….

  19. HG, as much as I respect you and am thankful for your help, you were a piece of shit! Poor Jane. Thankful for this, as there are triggers everywhere for me to do what Jane did because I, too,chronicle milestones and memories. Tomorrow is one year post discard, this post was meant for me. Tomorrow I am going off the grid, no social media before I do some dumb shit to put me back in his sphere of influence.

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